you’ll start to wonder if
you ever made a noise
you’ll start to believe that
you never fell

because you were alone
in the woods that day
that you came crashing down

i think they were all
just too afraid to admit
that they were wandering
in the forest that day

i think it’s harder for them to admit
that they heard you fall

i think it's harder for them to admit
that they wanted to fall, too

i’m not happy

but i practiced forging
its signature
until no one could tell
the difference

it’s worth the risk
of burning up—

the chance
to sit on the sun
and watch you
revolve around me
for a change

she was
an odd kind
of suicidal

not manic
or depressive,
no—
she lived her days
to the fullest—
hopeful even

that each
would be her last

champagne bottles
litter the rock bottom floor
of a woman
desperately wishing
for enough bubbles
to make her float

she had the audacity
to create me
with her own existence

she had the audacity
to subject me to life
with the promise of her love

she had the audacity
to spend her life
putting conditions on her love

i had the audacity
to love in shades of pink
as well as blue

i had the audacity
to drink in shades of red
as well as white

i had the audacity
to live
as well as she created me to

i had the audacity
to destroy me
with my own existence

she had the audacity
to mourn a life she created
with the promise of her love

the audacity

i’ve always paid it forward

smiles and mercy
forgiveness and understanding

but making you feel crazy
for loving me
the way he made me feel
for loving him

that’s a debt you have
no business paying

i’ve started
writing again

perhaps i’ve started
feeling again,
too

i dreamt i was with her
the same way you
being with her
has haunted me
all these years

i dreamt i was with her

i dreamt i was with her
haunting you

if stars can fall
out of the sky

then maybe,
maybe so can i

maybe it’ll just
take more time

if you knew how to love

i like to think
you’d have loved me

i didn’t understand
the grass that grew beneath my feet
so i dug

i didn’t understand
the roots that grew below the grass
so i dug

i didn’t understand
how soil could lead to rock
so i dug

i didn’t understand
how rock could lead to magma
so i dug

i didn’t understand
how magma could lead to rock
so i dug

and i kept digging

through the core
through the magma and the rock
through the soil and the roots
through the grass

i kept digging to get through
to you

i didn’t understand
how someone could live
so differently from me
on the other side of the earth

so i dug

i’ve been alone
without feeling lonely,
i’ve felt lonely
without being alone,
and perhaps if i
could have felt you instead

i could have avoided both

he may love me
for as long as i live

but i will always love you
the longest

i couldn’t depend on you
but i did

i can’t depend on you
so i don’t

that’s the difference
between the girl you met

and the girl that
you now know

i wasn’t asking to be
a one-way ticket
...but i refuse
i refuse
to be dallas
on your way to denver

a baggy shirt
on tall, broad shoulders

****** hair
on tear stained cheeks

because she knew
how to act

she just...
she just didn’t know
how to be

i thought it would come
in a heart-shaped package—
the giggles and inside jokes
with my best friend,
the talks of forever and someday,
the blue eyes that look like home to me

he came wrapped a little differently

but he’s still a gift

~

there are no street signs
on this road we walk
hand in hand

passersby can’t identify us
at the corner of
friendship and forever

but i don’t mind

because here we are

i would rather
not be thought of
than to be after-thought of

her parents chose
a man she’d never met
over her—
a man they called god

her love chose
a woman she’d never met
over her—
a woman he called courtney

and so somewhere along the way
she started wishing that she
could be someone she’d never met—

they seemed to get all the love
meant for her

~

i thought loving you
in the third person
as the third person
was as pure as love got

but i was wrong

watching you love me
as i fell out of love with you

that is as pure as love gets

and i know
that if i’m ever at
rock bottom again,

you’ll be face down
in the dirt with me,

probably digging
for bones

i couldn’t tell
if it was my mind
or the world
or the heartbreak
or my expectations

but it all felt too big
everything felt too big

but you

you’re so small

he loves me
the way i’ve always
wanted to be loved—

with his entire body

all two pounds of it

if i didn’t wear a
best before friend,
maybe you’d give me
the same nonchalant love
you give the others

we could grow
a field of daisies here
if you didn’t insist
on erecting a mountain
in the middle
of our valley

i found irony
in the way zen
sounded like an insult
rolling off your tongue—

as if my resilience
absolved you
from ever stealing my zen—

from forcing me to be resilient
in the first place

i wasn’t your means

you’re not my end

you never let your
eyes wander

but you reveled
in the sight of me
dancing in your peripheral

i kept my beauty

but you never apologized
for taking my beautiful
away

how much courage
it must have taken
to be born into a world
living in a black and white
nightmare

and decide to listen
to the voice inside of you

the one with the audacity
to dream in color

i don’t have wants
i have needs

i have you

can you hear
my heartbeat
through black and white
photographs
of my chest?

does it remind you
you’re alive?

i want you
to wear my legs
like a necklace

we steeped
in hot emotions
for the better part
of two years

so oh good god
did we feel good
going down

but now

now we’re down

it’s okay if the unconditional
in your unconditional love
has a footnote

it’s okay if that footnote
demands you be loved
in return

it’s okay if your footnote
has a footnote

it’s okay if that footnote
admits you’ll settle for
unloved
unrequited
unconditional after all

i put you first

you put me third

or is it fifth?

i don’t know,
i just know
it’s odd

i’ve tried your name on
like a sundress,
played your laugh
like a 45

so tell me when it
became considered lawless
to love
like a pastime

holding a flower
that shared
her elegant whimsy

regretting that he
had never held hers
like he’d always
secretly hoped to

placing a white tulip
on the mahogany
that had the audacity
to house her body

wondering where
her soul
was calling home
now,

and if it was still him

the difference between
constellations and stars
is all this space
~

i don’t want us
to start over,
i just want us
to begin again

you looked at me
with the same
cosmic adoration
you shared for the stars
and i found a new home
in your sky

you’ve taught me
by example
how to resent
my own love

lying by myself in bed
lying to myself in bed

the silence of night
forcing me to listen
to the voice in my chest

you still do, amanda

you always will, amanda

you still love him, amanda

~

if i can’t be whole
without you in my heart
they might as well
just strip me down

and sell me for parts

kneeling down here
in your audience

finding irony
in giving you a standing o
while you’re the one screaming
on your feet

i sit on a pastel couch
with cabernet stained lips
looking at
black and white photographs
of women
who marched
who spoke
who cried
who fought
for me to live in color

colors they never got to see

i wonder if
there’s ever been
a moment when
all seven billion hearts
beat in unison

i think i was taught
to fear the dark

same as the other kids

same as those adults
who feared this thing
called the unknown

but i make love
in the dark

i make life
in the unknown

i guess they taught me wrong