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Mar 2021 · 272
you made a noise
amanda Mar 2021
you’ll start to wonder if
you ever made a noise
you’ll start to believe that
you never fell

because you were alone
in the woods that day
that you came crashing down

i think they were all
just too afraid to admit
that they were wandering
in the forest that day

i think it’s harder for them to admit
that they heard you fall

i think it's harder for them to admit
that they wanted to fall, too
Mar 2021 · 1.1k
forgery
amanda Mar 2021
i’m not happy

but i practiced forging
its signature
until no one could tell
the difference
Mar 2021 · 232
to sit on the sun
amanda Mar 2021
it’s worth the risk
of burning up—

the chance
to sit on the sun
and watch you
revolve around me
for a change
Mar 2021 · 129
odd kind
amanda Mar 2021
she was
an odd kind
of suicidal

not manic
or depressive,
no—
she lived her days
to the fullest—
hopeful even

that each
would be her last
for the last two years,
i’ve lived every day
like it’s my last,
hoping that it is

which i realize
is dark

and odd
Mar 2021 · 234
bottles of bubbles
amanda Mar 2021
champagne bottles
litter the rock bottom floor
of a woman
desperately wishing
for enough bubbles
to make her float
i’ve been drinking
for four days straight

hoping that if i drink classy,
it means i’m not broken



i’m broken
Mar 2021 · 261
the audacity
amanda Mar 2021
she had the audacity
to create me
with her own existence

she had the audacity
to subject me to life
with the promise of her love

she had the audacity
to spend her life
putting conditions on her love

i had the audacity
to love in shades of pink
as well as blue

i had the audacity
to drink in shades of red
as well as white

i had the audacity
to live
as well as she created me to

i had the audacity
to destroy me
with my own existence

she had the audacity
to mourn a life she created
with the promise of her love


the audacity
i am not the
christian
conservative
straight
daughter you wanted

i guess we both
let each other down
Feb 2021 · 353
paid in full
amanda Feb 2021
i’ve always paid it forward

smiles and mercy
forgiveness and understanding

but making you feel crazy
for loving me
the way he made me feel
for loving him

that’s a debt you have
no business paying
the debt’s been paid

love me,
and i promise to let you
Feb 2021 · 102
again, too
amanda Feb 2021
i’ve started
writing again

perhaps i’ve started
feeling again,
too
sometimes i feel like
the weight of my soul
just drops back into
my body

and i become a poet again

i become amanda again,
too
Feb 2021 · 166
haunting
amanda Feb 2021
i dreamt i was with her
the same way you
being with her
has haunted me
all these years

i dreamt i was with her

i dreamt i was with her
haunting you
her being in the arms
of the man i love
has made me hate her

if she was in my arms,
maybe you’d hate her too
Feb 2021 · 135
fall out
amanda Feb 2021
if stars can fall
out of the sky

then maybe,
maybe so can i

maybe it’ll just
take more time
Feb 2021 · 187
you’d have
amanda Feb 2021
if you knew how to love

i like to think
you’d have loved me
Feb 2021 · 87
so i dug
amanda Feb 2021
i didn’t understand
the grass that grew beneath my feet
so i dug

i didn’t understand
the roots that grew below the grass
so i dug

i didn’t understand
how soil could lead to rock
so i dug

i didn’t understand
how rock could lead to magma
so i dug

i didn’t understand
how magma could lead to rock
so i dug

and i kept digging

through the core
through the magma and the rock
through the soil and the roots
through the grass

i kept digging to get through
to you

i didn’t understand
how someone could live
so differently from me
on the other side of the earth

so i dug
we are all people
on the same rotating sphere

we should try to understand
one another

so that we stop hating,
terrorizing, and killing
one another
Feb 2021 · 69
lonely / alone
amanda Feb 2021
i’ve been alone
without feeling lonely,
i’ve felt lonely
without being alone,
and perhaps if i
could have felt you instead

i could have avoided both
Feb 2021 · 102
perks of a first love
amanda Feb 2021
he may love me
for as long as i live

but i will always love you
the longest
my friendship
with my ex-fiancé
is the most meaningful
thing i’ve ever been
a part of
Feb 2021 · 113
the difference
amanda Feb 2021
i couldn’t depend on you
but i did

i can’t depend on you
so i don’t

that’s the difference
between the girl you met

and the girl that
you now know
Feb 2021 · 329
layover
amanda Feb 2021
i wasn’t asking to be
a one-way ticket
...but i refuse
i refuse
to be dallas
on your way to denver
if he calls you his
best friend
but would rather spend
all of his time
with his other friends—

you’re an idiot, girl

you’re not his best

you’re not even close

~i don’t need you, ryan~
~and i don’t want you, either~
Feb 2021 · 132
how to be
amanda Feb 2021
a baggy shirt
on tall, broad shoulders

****** hair
on tear stained cheeks

because she knew
how to act

she just...
she just didn’t know
how to be
imagine if living
your truth
was a right you felt
you had at birth

imagine that world,
raise those children

trans. women. are. women.
trans. men. are. men.
Jan 2021 · 95
gift
amanda Jan 2021
i thought it would come
in a heart-shaped package—
the giggles and inside jokes
with my best friend,
the talks of forever and someday,
the blue eyes that look like home to me

he came wrapped a little differently

but he’s still a gift

~
grateful for you,
ryan
Jan 2021 · 321
at the corner of
amanda Jan 2021
there are no street signs
on this road we walk
hand in hand

passersby can’t identify us
at the corner of
friendship and forever

but i don’t mind

because here we are
you are the most
meaningful and permanent
part of my life

even without a label,
even without a photo
to prove it,
even without sharing a bed
Jan 2021 · 73
afterthought
amanda Jan 2021
i would rather
not be thought of
than to be after-thought of
ending all my
sentences with
prepositions
and i don't have
the energy to care
Jan 2021 · 100
someone she’d never met
amanda Jan 2021
her parents chose
a man she’d never met
over her—
a man they called god

her love chose
a woman she’d never met
over her—
a woman he called courtney

and so somewhere along the way
she started wishing that she
could be someone she’d never met—

they seemed to get all the love
meant for her


~
i had to process
some **** tonight
Jan 2021 · 261
as pure as love gets
amanda Jan 2021
i thought loving you
in the third person
as the third person
was as pure as love got

but i was wrong

watching you love me
as i fell out of love with you

that is as pure as love gets
you are the
single greatest
friend, brother,
and uncle
i’ve ever known

good lord i just want
you to be happy

with her,
alone,
with someone else—
whatever your happy
looks like
Jan 2021 · 605
probably digging
amanda Jan 2021
and i know
that if i’m ever at
rock bottom again,

you’ll be face down
in the dirt with me,

probably digging
for bones
i’m never gonna feel
alone again

not as long as
i’ve got you,
puppy boy
Jan 2021 · 143
right size
amanda Jan 2021
i couldn’t tell
if it was my mind
or the world
or the heartbreak
or my expectations

but it all felt too big
everything felt too big

but you

you’re so small
you keep me sane,
baby boy

you make everything
feel like the right size
Jan 2021 · 349
two pounds
amanda Jan 2021
he loves me
the way i’ve always
wanted to be loved—

with his entire body

all two pounds of it
i brought home a puppy
this week

i named him whiskey

he named me mom

i’ve never been
so smitten
Jan 2021 · 319
maybe best isn’t best
amanda Jan 2021
if i didn’t wear a
best before friend,
maybe you’d give me
the same nonchalant love
you give the others
Jan 2021 · 83
field of daisies
amanda Jan 2021
we could grow
a field of daisies here
if you didn’t insist
on erecting a mountain
in the middle
of our valley
you put up
unnecessary boundaries
Jan 2021 · 149
zen
amanda Jan 2021
zen
i found irony
in the way zen
sounded like an insult
rolling off your tongue—

as if my resilience
absolved you
from ever stealing my zen—

from forcing me to be resilient
in the first place
Jan 2021 · 364
means to an end
amanda Jan 2021
i wasn’t your means

you’re not my end
when i think about
you using me
as a distraction from
your failing relationship

...well it’s the worst emotion
i’ve ever experienced
Jan 2021 · 69
peripheral
amanda Jan 2021
you never let your
eyes wander

but you reveled
in the sight of me
dancing in your peripheral
Jan 2021 · 117
my beautiful
amanda Jan 2021
i kept my beauty

but you never apologized
for taking my beautiful
away
the fact that you think
we could just be friends
after we’d been
where we’d been,
and that i’d still feel
as beautiful
even though you now
refuse to say it to me...

i just... what?
Jan 2021 · 77
he had a dream
amanda Jan 2021
how much courage
it must have taken
to be born into a world
living in a black and white
nightmare

and decide to listen
to the voice inside of you

the one with the audacity
to dream in color
we’re not where
we should be, yet

but i wish you could see
how much progress
we’ve made, martin

happy mlk day
Jan 2021 · 87
needs
amanda Jan 2021
i don’t have wants
i have needs

i have you
Jan 2021 · 146
alive
amanda Jan 2021
can you hear
my heartbeat
through black and white
photographs
of my chest?

does it remind you
you’re alive?
Jan 2021 · 626
necklace
amanda Jan 2021
i want you
to wear my legs
like a necklace
ryan, darling,
i want you
to eat me out

i want you
to hear that high pitch
squeal you know i make
Jan 2021 · 147
the tea
amanda Jan 2021
we steeped
in hot emotions
for the better part
of two years

so oh good god
did we feel good
going down

but now

now we’re down
i want to steep again

i miss us
i miss our passion
i miss our tension
Jan 2021 · 310
footnote
amanda Jan 2021
it’s okay if the unconditional
in your unconditional love
has a footnote

it’s okay if that footnote
demands you be loved
in return

it’s okay if your footnote
has a footnote

it’s okay if that footnote
admits you’ll settle for
unloved
unrequited
unconditional after all
he cannot and will not
ever love me—
i don’t think he knows
what to do with a woman
like me

i keep trying to convince
myself that it’s okay...
because it has to be
Jan 2021 · 768
odd
amanda Jan 2021
odd
i put you first

you put me third

or is it fifth?

i don’t know,
i just know
it’s odd
Jan 2021 · 266
pastime
amanda Jan 2021
i’ve tried your name on
like a sundress,
played your laugh
like a 45

so tell me when it
became considered lawless
to love
like a pastime
Jan 2021 · 65
still him
amanda Jan 2021
holding a flower
that shared
her elegant whimsy

regretting that he
had never held hers
like he’d always
secretly hoped to

placing a white tulip
on the mahogany
that had the audacity
to house her body

wondering where
her soul
was calling home
now,

and if it was still him
when i tell you
that i’ll love you forever,

forever isn’t contingent
on a heartbeat
Jan 2021 · 73
all this space
amanda Jan 2021
the difference between
constellations and stars
is all this space
~
we’re growing apart

it feels like losing beauty,
like losing a picture
of forever
Jan 2021 · 109
begin again
amanda Jan 2021
i don’t want us
to start over,
i just want us
to begin again
can we get back to us

please?
Jan 2021 · 161
beautiful
amanda Jan 2021
you looked at me
with the same
cosmic adoration
you shared for the stars
and i found a new home
in your sky
i can count on my fingers
the times in my life that
i’ve felt truly beautiful

moonlit skinny dipping
with you last night
was one of them
Jan 2021 · 207
resentment
amanda Jan 2021
you’ve taught me
by example
how to resent
my own love
you will never know
how badly i want to die
when i think about
how much you treat
my love like a burden

i feel foolish
for missing you
so much more than you
ever miss me
Jan 2021 · 173
lying in bed
amanda Jan 2021
lying by myself in bed
lying to myself in bed

the silence of night
forcing me to listen
to the voice in my chest

you still do, amanda

you always will, amanda

you still love him, amanda


~
Jan 2021 · 75
for parts
amanda Jan 2021
if i can’t be whole
without you in my heart
they might as well
just strip me down

and sell me for parts
Jan 2021 · 309
standing o
amanda Jan 2021
kneeling down here
in your audience

finding irony
in giving you a standing o
while you’re the one screaming
on your feet
lili girl,
in my fantasies,
you’re making us
pancakes at the stove

one foot on the hardwood
one on the granite

me beneath you
trying to hide my tongue
in between your legs
Jan 2021 · 142
susan
amanda Jan 2021
i sit on a pastel couch
with cabernet stained lips
looking at
black and white photographs
of women
who marched
who spoke
who cried
who fought
for me to live in color

colors they never got to see
every time i think about
susan b. anthony
living to 86 years old
and dying just 14 years
before women got
the right to vote...

the right she dedicated
her life to fighting for...

it harrows me
Jan 2021 · 1.8k
seven billion hearts
amanda Jan 2021
i wonder if
there’s ever been
a moment when
all seven billion hearts
beat in unison
i guess not

our boys wouldn’t
be afraid to cry
and
our girls wouldn’t
be afraid to try

we wouldn’t
be afraid
to let boys love boys
or let boys be girls

we’d all just be
seven billion
human hearts
Jan 2021 · 67
taught me wrong
amanda Jan 2021
i think i was taught
to fear the dark

same as the other kids

same as those adults
who feared this thing
called the unknown

but i make love
in the dark

i make life
in the unknown

i guess they taught me wrong
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