so i just sit here
parked at this dead end
of a relationship

because it's still
the most beautiful road
i've ever taken

i let you use the back of my throat
as your punching bag
when i know you need
something to hurt for you

but it’s not enough that i gag for you,
you want me to break for you

and though my mouth
may hand them out—
it’s not my heart’s job
to take blows

there’s a select group of humans
who’ve learned
that it’s easier to bleed
than it is to feel

i've gone from lovers
to strangers
and beginnings
to ends

but the most
painful change
is still best
to friends

she realized
that her heart always
pounded harder
on the climb up
the mountain
than on the stroll back down

and i guess that’s why
she learned to
romanticize the hard—

i guess she craved the sound
of her own heartbeat

the way i love you
makes me doubt
that i ever loved them

i’ve always been attracted
to men who admire the sea;
i’ve found that such a man
is more likely to admire me

i guess we finally
found out

we can't both fall
and not collapse

you do not get to
call me

magical

brilliant

stunning

you do not get to
turn those beautiful words
into a consolation prize

what if we woke up to
find the sun rising in the west?

would i be your lover
and her your second best?

i wonder how many
millions of years
it’ll take
for those stars to die

the ones that spell out
your name

at the end of the day—
it doesn’t matter
how meticulously folded
the envelope is

all i can see
are the big red letters
stamped across the top

RETURN TO SENDER
...

for the first time
it doesn’t feel like
i’m falling in love

you and i
are just walking into it

hand in hand

my mind can turn so cruel
when all the lights go out

but you always seem to know
when i’m trapped in the dark

because you show up
with your smile and a rocket ship

and fly me to my heart

i always
respected
the kind of depression
that cut
into wrists
and arms

as i stood there
on a balcony

scared i might feel
the impact

there’s a subtly
to your softness
the starkness of your beauty
almost hides

almost

the sad truth is that
many of the same people
who preach that love conquers all
actively try to conquer a love
they don’t understand

i didn't feel naked
when you asked me
to undress

i felt naked
when i realized
you asked her to,
too

it’s not your fault
that he needed
two women
to make him happy

it’s not your fault
that she met him first

it’s not your fault
that you refuse to be second

the knife in my back was
yours

the fingerprints
hers

the blood
mine

there’s this little pink canvas
between my legs

come

paint your name
all over it,
won’t you?

it terrifies me—
the thought

if the stars hadn’t made you...

where would all that magic
have gone?

i ask you
if i can breathe in
your air

and normally that would feel
like your lips on mine

but we aren’t normal,
are we?

so we stand
just close enough
to feel each other
exhale

we keep doing this thing
because it makes us
feel alive

torture does that, ya know—

makes you keenly aware
of exactly how much blood
is left in your veins

after all these days and nights
we spend together

i find myself making
choices
and faces
and noises
that i never have before

you’re rubbing off on me
and i like it

it’s a shame
that running from
healthy relationships
doesn’t burn calories

i’d be a size zero

you and i
are holding hands
on the edge
of something beautiful

so you tell me—

do you want to enjoy
the view,
or the fall?

his smile
wouldn’t be one
that i’d ever get to kiss,
but his eyes—
those eyes taught me
that there’s no such thing
as a wrong turn

just detours
and scenic routes

i had no idea how to sew
the first few times
love asked me to stitch up
my own heart

~~~

you should see
what i can do
with a needle and thread
now

...

at least now we both exist
in the same state

confusion
heartbreak
yearning
virginia

what if this time
when you step off the jet bridge
and into the next chapter

what if this time
you don't stop by baggage claim

i learned over time
that people would rather
the sun
over too much rain

but then you came along
and reminded me—

some people choose to live
in seattle
...

people wonder how
a woman who loves skydiving
could distrust gravity
the way i do

but the difference
between falling from 12,000 feet
and falling in love
is simple

one comes with a ripcord
one comes with rock bottom

i didn’t know
how to love you
when you first made
your name known—
my heart was missing pieces
from him

two years later
and i’ve carved your name
into pieces of me
that i didn’t even know existed

and i know the earth
had to be spinning
because the sun was setting
on you and me

but at the exact moment
your hand touched mine

i think even the world
stopped and stared

a rebellious soul like mine
never thought to romanticize stability
until the blue in your eyes
felt like my first cloudless sky

when i came out of her,
i was her daughter

when i came out to her,
i wasn’t

i've cried oceans for a man
whose words moved mountains
and whose eyes challenged the stars

and as i stand here
and look at the mess we made,
i think...

we really could have had
the world

you're afraid
of how far you'd fall
if you jumped

you're afraid
i wouldn’t catch you

you're more afraid
i would

the word ‘was’
carries a lot of weight
so that you don’t have to

i didn’t even have a hammer
the last time that
love asked me to rebuild
the walls he tore down

so maybe that’s why
i’m okay
demolishing them
for you now

this time i have a power drill
and an entire squad of humans
willing to suit up
in bright yellow construction vests
with me

it’s not that
there’s someone else
in the picture

it’s that
someone else
is your picture

and i’m the sun in the corner
begging not to set

on the nights
when my eyes
bleed harder
than my heart—
you let your own
bleed out for me

i feel like the moon
trapped in a sky
not meant for her
every time your sun
comes back around

i know you
love me
i just wish you knew
how to

to assign each other
the best intentions

to love with the grace
that only forgiveness indulges

to fight for one another’s peace
armed with the strength of our own

i don’t need
to ever touch
the moon

i just need to know
the moon resents the space
between us
like i do

i believe in
wrong places
and wrong people
but never wrong timing

you are never too early
or too late
for all the lessons and beauty
meant for you

you once told me
she’s not that fun in bed...

i’m excited to see
what god you end up
believing in
after all that missionary work