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67 · Oct 2020
insomnia
amanda Oct 2020
i’m grateful for the nights
i can’t sleep
for the time i get to spend
with the stars—
none of us knowing
why we have to exist
in the dark,
but choosing to shine anyway
4am and counting
67 · Oct 2020
collapse
amanda Oct 2020
i guess we finally
found out

we can't both fall
and not collapse
the second
you started having
feelings for me

we started cracking

i was afraid of that
67 · Jun 2020
pride
amanda Jun 2020
the sad truth is that
many of the same people
who preach that love conquers all
actively try to conquer a love
they don’t understand
you should always be proud
of who you love

and if someone doesn’t
love you
because of who you love...
make up the difference
and love yourself
that much more

happy pride month
66 · Oct 2020
dead end
amanda Oct 2020
so i just sit here
parked at this dead end
of a relationship

because it's still
the most beautiful road
i've ever taken
66 · Dec 2020
adjust
amanda Dec 2020
you’ve left me
in the dark
long enough
for my eyes
to adjust
you’ve made me feel
so unimportant
recently

and i don’t much care for
this phase you’re in
65 · Jul 2020
muse
amanda Jul 2020
you may never have asked
to be my poem

but i never asked
to be a poet
there is a lot of guilt
associated with
writing love poems
for a man who
doesn't want your love...
but you don't know
how to stop...
because your heart beats
in iambic pentameter
65 · Dec 2020
until you
amanda Dec 2020
i’ve always known
how to be
a fantasy

i didn’t know how
to have one
lili

you taught me
how to crave the taste
of someone

and to be honest,
i still do
64 · Dec 2020
constellation
amanda Dec 2020
i wonder how many
millions of years
it’ll take
for those stars to die

the ones that spell out
your name
63 · Oct 2020
monsters
amanda Oct 2020
i wasn’t wrong
to fear monsters
as a girl

i just expected them
to live in the dark

not in the silence
when you don’t respond to me
i assume you’re with her
—in her—
forgetting all about me
62 · Sep 2020
heartbeat
amanda Sep 2020
she realized
that her heart always
pounded harder
on the climb up
the mountain
than on the stroll back down

and i guess that’s why
she learned to
romanticize the hard—

i guess she craved the sound
of her own heartbeat
really she craved
anything that reminded her
of how rare it is
to be alive
62 · Aug 2020
smiling
amanda Aug 2020
i didn’t know
my cheek dimples
could get sore
before i met you
smiling
like a complete idiot
61 · Dec 2020
reverse
amanda Dec 2020
what if we woke up to
find the sun rising in the west?

would i be your lover
and her your second best?
if the world started
spinning in reverse...
would you go back
and meet me first?
61 · Nov 2020
naked
amanda Nov 2020
i didn't feel naked
when you asked me
to undress

i felt naked
when i realized
you asked her to,
too
i dont trust you anymore
60 · Jul 2020
rocketman
amanda Jul 2020
my mind can turn so cruel
when all the lights go out

but you always seem to know
when i’m trapped in the dark

because you show up
with your smile and a rocket ship

and fly me to my heart
you make me spend
less time in my head
and more time
in my heart

because you’re easy to love

~to ryan~
59 · Jul 2020
subtle
amanda Jul 2020
there’s a subtly
to your softness
the starkness of your beauty
almost hides

almost
it’s in her eyes
or is it her smile?

to lili
57 · Nov 2020
the blood, mine
amanda Nov 2020
the knife in my back was
yours

the fingerprints
hers

the blood
mine
57 · Aug 2020
rubbing off
amanda Aug 2020
after all these days and nights
we spend together

i find myself making
choices
and faces
and noises
that i never have before

you’re rubbing off on me
and i like it
a little lesbian
double entendre
for you
57 · Aug 2020
the scenic route
amanda Aug 2020
his smile
wouldn’t be one
that i’d ever get to kiss,
but his eyes—
those eyes taught me
that there’s no such thing
as a wrong turn

just detours
and scenic routes
55 · Sep 2020
little pink canvas
amanda Sep 2020
there’s this little pink canvas
between my legs

come

paint your name
all over it,
won’t you?
53 · Jul 2020
size zero
amanda Jul 2020
it’s a shame
that running from
healthy relationships
doesn’t burn calories

i’d be a size zero
52 · Aug 2020
walking in love
amanda Aug 2020
for the first time
it doesn’t feel like
i’m falling in love

you and i
are just walking into it

hand in hand
52 · Oct 2020
consolation prize
amanda Oct 2020
you do not get to
call me

magical

brilliant

stunning


you do not get to
turn those beautiful words
into a consolation prize
you lost the right
to love me
the moment you chose her
51 · Oct 26
hard pill
amanda Oct 26
it’s a hard pill to swallow

but he puts it on my tongue
and tells me to swallow

i gulp down a man
who isn’t you

and just like the other drugs—
he didn’t help me forget you

~
51 · Oct 2020
alive
amanda Oct 2020
we keep doing this thing
because it makes us
feel alive

torture does that, ya know

makes you keenly aware
of exactly how much blood
is left in your veins
dramatic
but not inaccurate
50 · Aug 2020
seattle
amanda Aug 2020
i learned over time
that people would rather
the sun
over too much rain

but then you came along
and reminded me—

some people choose to live
in seattle

...
you don’t think that
my constant feeling
and poetry writing
is a burden

you choose to live here
49 · Sep 2020
exhale
amanda Sep 2020
i ask you
if i can breathe in
your air

and normally that would feel
like your lips on mine

but we aren’t normal,
are we?

so we stand
just close enough
to feel each other
exhale
46 · Jun 2020
stable
amanda Jun 2020
a rebellious soul like mine
never thought to romanticize stability
until the blue in your eyes
felt like my first cloudless sky
you’re the best thing
that has ever happened to me,
and that will never not be true

-jj
46 · Jul 2020
now
amanda Jul 2020
now
i had no idea how to sew
the first few times
love asked me to stitch up
my own heart

~~~

you should see
what i can do
with a needle and thread
now

...
amanda Sep 2020
i always
respected
the kind of depression
that cut
into wrists
and arms

as i stood there
on a balcony

scared i might feel
the impact
i'm terrified
of physical pain
cause i'm a dainty lil thing

but some people
cut themselves
to deal with
their emotional pain,
and i think that makes them
stronger than they realize

unwell, yes.
but strong.

message me next time
you need to bleed out
on someone, please?
45 · Jun 2020
picture
amanda Jun 2020
it’s not that
there’s someone else
in the picture

it’s that
someone else
is your picture

and i’m the sun in the corner
begging not to set
45 · Oct 2020
starstuff
amanda Oct 2020
it terrifies me—
the thought

if the stars hadn’t made you...

where would all that magic
have gone?
45 · Jun 2020
transfusion
amanda Jun 2020
on the nights
when my eyes
bleed harder
than my heart—
you let your own
bleed out for me
anna-
every time i cry
about him,
you’re ready to hold me

and i just don’t know
how i’m lucky enough
to have you
45 · Jun 2020
was
amanda Jun 2020
was
the word ‘was
carries a lot of weight
so that you don’t have to
the older i get,
the more respect i have
for the past tense
43 · Jul 2020
the world stopped turning
amanda Jul 2020
and i know the earth
had to be spinning
because the sun was setting
on you and me

but at the exact moment
your hand touched mine

i think even the world
stopped and stared
42 · Aug 2020
distrust
amanda Aug 2020
people wonder how
a woman who loves skydiving
could distrust gravity
the way i do

but the difference
between falling from 12,000 feet
and falling in love
is simple

one comes with a ripcord
one comes with rock bottom
i once heard someone say
that human beings
aren’t afraid of heights—
they’re afraid of falling

i didn’t realize how true
that was
until i met you
40 · Jul 2020
sun
amanda Jul 2020
sun
i guess i could
stay at a safe distance
and watch you
brighten the world
from afar

but i would rather burn
trying to get close enough
to touch you
i don’t just want
your light—
i want your heat

i don’t know
what’s gotten into me, ry
...but ****, i want you tonight
40 · Jul 2020
semantics
amanda Jul 2020
when i came out of her,
i was her daughter

when i came out to her,
i wasn’t
i won’t forgive you
for this one,
mom
39 · Aug 2020
walls
amanda Aug 2020
i didn’t even have a hammer
the last time that
love asked me to rebuild
the walls he tore down

so maybe that’s why
i’m okay
demolishing them
for you now

this time i have a power drill
and an entire squad of humans
willing to suit up
in bright yellow construction vests
with me
if you break me,
i’ll be okay

so this is me,
giving you my all,
allowing you the opportunity to
amanda Jul 2020
to assign each other
the best intentions

to love with the grace
that only forgiveness indulges

to fight for one another’s peace
armed with the strength of our own
39 · Aug 2020
walk a mile
amanda Aug 2020
he said—
if you’ll let me,
i’d like to borrow
those powder blue stilettos
and walk a mile in your shoes
right alongside you

or as many miles as it takes
to get you to happy
to my favorite man

you’re forever
a part of me
39 · Oct 2020
it’s not your fault
amanda Oct 2020
it’s not your fault
that he needed
two women
to make him happy

it’s not your fault
that she met him first

it’s not your fault
that you refuse to be second
38 · Sep 2020
some life
amanda Sep 2020
all things point to the fact
that in some life
if not this one
i’ll finally get to touch you
the way i’ve spent this life
and probably the past fifty
wanting to
you make a girl
want to believe in an
afterlife
38 · Jun 2020
the house i built
amanda Jun 2020
and though i knew
you’d never call it home,
i built this love meticulously
and lived in there defiantly
completely on my own

so as i feel
the house lose its roof
and the walls lose their blue

i can’t help but feel
homeless
in the house i built
everyone told me
i would feel free when i
stopped being controlled
by this unrequited love

so then tell me—
why does it break my heart
that i’m falling out of love
with you?
38 · Jun 2020
the world
amanda Jun 2020
i've cried oceans for a man
whose words moved mountains
and whose eyes challenged the stars

and as i stand here
and look at the mess we made,
i think...

we really could have had
the world
preston,
four and a half years later,
your name on my phone
still makes my heart
beat out of my chest

my first and favorite love
38 · Aug 2020
timing
amanda Aug 2020
i believe in
wrong places
and wrong people
but never wrong timing

you are never too early
or too late
for all the lessons and beauty
meant for you
36 · Jun 2020
jet bridge
amanda Jun 2020
what if this time
when you step off the jet bridge
and into the next chapter

what if this time
you don't stop by baggage claim
you have this tendency
to carry your past
like a dead weight

when you start over this time,
i want you to consider
letting it go
and truly starting over
36 · Oct 2020
same state
amanda Oct 2020
at least now we both exist
in the same state

confusion
heartbreak
yearning
virginia
i love being
this close to you

even if we’re worlds apart
36 · Oct 2020
you're afraid
amanda Oct 2020
you're afraid
of how far you'd fall
if you jumped

you're afraid
i wouldn’t catch you

you're more afraid
i would
everything about
a future with me
scares the **** out of you

because you're a smart man
36 · Jun 2020
pause
amanda Jun 2020
i know how terrifying it is
to press pause

to lay in bed
feeling the unrelenting rotation
of the world pass you by
as you try to sleep your way
through the pain

but let me tell you a secret,
my dear—

the more you try to
fast forward through the hard,
the more you’ll have to
rewind back to it in the end

so feel it.
pause it and exist in it.

yes—the world will keep turning,
but don’t let that scare you

someday so will you
35 · Jun 2020
soft
amanda Jun 2020
you give life’s hardest moments
a softness
that i could live in forever
my best friend
is so f*cking dope

to you, ry
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