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amanda Aug 2020
i kept praying for a sun
to come brighten my days

i just didn’t know
he’d be
so hot
perpetually
a little into
my best friend
amanda Jul 2020
2 and 4am
look the same

the unrelenting dark—
the fear that this night
won’t give light to day

2 and 4am
look the same

but 2 and 4am
are not the same
2 hours closer
to finding direction
in the east

just remember, my dear,
the sun has never
not come up

just. keep. spinning.
4am
amanda Sep 2020
4am
they tell me i can have
everything i want—
just maybe not
in the way i wanted

but if i let my heart
speak its mind
in the stillness of 4am,

it says—
what’s the good
in having you
if it’s not in the way
that i wanted
?
amanda Oct 2020
there were exactly
750 days
between our first hello
and our last goodbye
oct 12, 2018 - oct 31, 2020
amanda Oct 2020
it’s oddly demoralizing
when 7.8 billion
minus 1
people
want you

and you only want
the minus one
amanda Jun 2020
i always intend
to turn the corner
and leave my feelings
in the past

but somehow
through no fault of my own
i always seem
to turn the wrong way
and head back down memory lane

back to where we started

back to the first time
i realized your eyes
were blue
the green in your shirt
brought out the green
in your blue eyes today

don’t think i didn’t notice
amanda Jan 2021
the math
says my heart
has only been mine
for 8,993 days

so then tell me
how it’s been yours
for 8,994
99
amanda Oct 2020
99
i don’t know
if the fates will grant me
another 75 years,
or you some 73—

but if they do?

it’ll be me
and it’ll be you
amanda Aug 2020
she learned about love
by experiencing everything
that it wasn’t
at the hands of boys
who knew nothing
of magic
amanda Oct 2020
this poem isn’t about him
and it’s not about her

it’s about you

because something oughta be
amanda,
all you do is give

so this one’s for you,
darling
amanda Oct 2020
you added too
to my three words

and absolved me
from this
unrequited love
amanda Nov 2020
my entire conception
was an accident

and i think i’ve spent
my whole life
fighting the notion
that no one
ever chooses me
my parents didn’t mean
to make me

and they’ve made it clear
i am not what they want
amanda Sep 2020
she slept behind rocks
and underneath nameless bodies
to keep warm—
staring at the mansion
across the way

a roof
and 808 windows

a mansion that was always
going to be
someone else’s home

and never hers
it doesn’t make sense to me
that some people
go to sleep without dinner
when the world
produces so much food

it seems like senseless suffering

kind of like
having to love you
amanda Oct 2020
whatever deal i had to make
with the stars
to land on this earth
at the same time
and in the same place
as you—

how could i have settled
for anything less
than lovers?
amanda Sep 2020
i always
respected
the kind of depression
that cut
into wrists
and arms

as i stood there
on a balcony

scared i might feel
the impact
i'm terrified
of physical pain
cause i'm a dainty lil thing

but some people
cut themselves
to deal with
their emotional pain,
and i think that makes them
stronger than they realize

unwell, yes.
but strong.

message me next time
you need to bleed out
on someone, please?
amanda Dec 2020
you’ve left me
in the dark
long enough
for my eyes
to adjust
you’ve made me feel
so unimportant
recently

and i don’t much care for
this phase you’re in
amanda Oct 2020
i always thought
i wanted to be loved
until you showed me
what it’s like to be adored
~
you adore me

and that makes me feel
like magic
amanda Jan 2021
i would rather
not be thought of
than to be after-thought of
ending all my
sentences with
prepositions
and i don't have
the energy to care
amanda Aug 2020
today we woke up
and chose each other

again
same time tomorrow?

commitment is cool
amanda Feb 2021
i’ve started
writing again

perhaps i’ve started
feeling again,
too
sometimes i feel like
the weight of my soul
just drops back into
my body

and i become a poet again

i become amanda again,
too
amanda Oct 2020
and if the stars
had aligned
just a second sooner

maybe you and i
would have too
amanda Oct 2020
we keep doing this thing
because it makes us
feel alive

torture does that, ya know

makes you keenly aware
of exactly how much blood
is left in your veins
dramatic
but not inaccurate,
is it, ry ry
amanda Jan 2021
can you hear
my heartbeat
through black and white
photographs
of my chest?

does it remind you
you’re alive?
amanda Nov 2020
you make forever
seem less like a concept,
and more like
all the tuesdays
amanda Jan 2021
the difference between
constellations and stars
is all this space
~
we’re growing apart

it feels like losing beauty,
like losing a picture
of forever
amanda Nov 2020
i guess the thing
that hurt the most
wasn’t you choosing her

it was the way
you almost didn’t
i felt like you used me
as a distraction
when you two weren’t
doing well

and i was really angry at you
for a really long time
amanda Oct 2020
he’s the kind of pure
you almost don’t want to defile

almost

~
amanda Sep 2020
the way i love you
makes me doubt
that i ever loved them
amanda Oct 2020
i’ve never wanted to be
amanda
as badly as i did
the day i met ryan

except for every day since
amanda Nov 2020
amanda
amand
aman
ama
am
i
allowed to admit
these letters
are losing meaning
everyday?
some days
i don't want to be me

some days i don't want
to be a person
amanda Nov 2020
the world we’ve built together
may not include
a bed

but there are lots and lots
of coffee shops

and pie
some soul mates
don’t sleep together
amanda Sep 2020
as long as there’s
a her

i almost wish
there was another me—

someone to sip
black coffee
and breathe out white smoke
with

someone to fantasize
about black and white photos
of you
with
amanda Jul 2020
just because
you created my heart
doesn’t mean
you get to dictate
how it beats
i’m not done hating you

you wouldn’t let me
commit suicide
yet you don’t want me
to be happy
if that happiness doesn’t look
like your idea of happy

what kind of monster are you
amanda Nov 2020
she said
mine left me broken,
too

i've got a place
downtown

if you'd like to roll around
on each other's pieces
A--
you are stunning
and kind
and ****** up like me

but i can't roll around
on our broken pieces
together

i'm tired of bleeding
amanda Oct 2020
the way he appreciates art
is an art
in its own right
the way you consume
words and images,
books and paintings,
the mountains and me...

you’re an artist
amanda Oct 2020
i know
he loves me
i know
he wants me
i know
he thinks
my brain is magic
my body is perfect
my face is stunning
my soul is art
my laugh is adorable
my friendship is forever

i know
him

i've known
since the beginning

i know

i know
i don't get to have him
amanda Oct 2020
you tell yourself
she’s the right woman
for you

but then ask yourself—
why are you heartbroken right now?
amanda Jan 2021
i thought loving you
in the third person
as the third person
was as pure as love got

but i was wrong

watching you love me
as i fell out of love with you

that is as pure as love gets
you are the
single greatest
friend, brother,
and uncle
i’ve ever known

good lord i just want
you to be happy

with her,
alone,
with someone else—
whatever your happy
looks like
amanda Jan 2021
there are no street signs
on this road we walk
hand in hand

passersby can’t identify us
at the corner of
friendship and forever

but i don’t mind

because here we are
you are the most
meaningful and permanent
part of my life

even without a label,
even without a photo
to prove it,
even without sharing a bed
amanda Sep 2020
texas is still hot
at sunset

i guess even the summer
is trying to avoid
falling
~
amanda Jul 2020
i’ve turned longing
into a science

you’ve turned the space between us
into an art
i’ve never been
much of a scientist
and we both know
you’re not the artist
amanda Oct 2020
i dance barefoot
on glass shards
of feelings for you

and i do it
with a smile
no one deserves
to love you
the way i have to

but you deserve to be
this loved

so i guess
i'll keep dancing
amanda Jan 2021
you looked at me
with the same
cosmic adoration
you shared for the stars
and i found a new home
in your sky
i can count on my fingers
the times in my life that
i’ve felt truly beautiful

moonlit skinny dipping
with you last night
was one of them
amanda Dec 2020
the world
wouldn’t be
any less beautiful
if i wasn’t here
to appreciate it

but it’s more beautiful
because i am
poets point out magic
everyone else
is too busy to notice
amanda Dec 2020
i’m a poet
before i’m an author

i’m a friend
before a daughter

i’m free verse
before i’m rhyme

and i’m yours
before i’m mine
defining myself
amanda Jan 2021
i don’t want us
to start over,
i just want us
to begin again
can we get back to us

please?
amanda Oct 2020
i bend over backwards
to accommodate
your love for her

because making you choose
between us—
forcing you to live
with half the love you deserve?

well, darling
that would break me
please don’t ever think
i would do ANYTHING
to get in between you two

your happiness with her
nearly kills me,
but to watch you hurt
because of me?
that would do the trick

(i love you
to the moon and saturn)
amanda Nov 2020
i’m not willing
to lose the best part
of my life
simply because
he comes
with a wife
amanda Oct 2020
i don’t mind
that you love him

just do it better
you better find him
magical

he deserves to be adored
amanda Aug 2020
someday
our headstones
will measure our lives
in years
between dashes

but the minutes
and hours
and days
we created
between dashes

well— those will belong
to just us
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