Past and future come together
in a maelstrom of emotions.
Swirling delusions
illusions
collusions
render my thoughts
unintelligible.
My stomach knots,
knowing I need to face
you, and your torrid
condescension.
Cold sweat beads on my body,
I shiver in the exact opposite
of anticipation.
Too much going on...
I can't deal with stress...
work, family, health.
Life.
Great expectations guide me down a road
travelled by those who judge.
Actions of yesterdays haunt me,
hide me from facing light.
You're not helping.
I cried out for support as I met
new friends, co- workers,
challenges.
You laughed at my burden,
shared my unease with your friends.
They shared your laughter
while nobody dipped a toe
into the pool I was drowning in.
Past and future collide
forming the present.
I live in restlessness,
imagining the worst,
feeding off a dish of foreboding,
drinking from the cup of delusion.
This is my normal.
My reality.
My life
This is the 6th piece I wrote for the Anxiety / Release collaboration. When I wrote this, I thought it had a very strong chance at being my submission. I personally think this was the most powerful piece I wrote up to this point for the collaboration. I was (and am) very pleased with some of the imagery I came up with. I think my favorite line is 'You're not helping'. That line says so much to me, I still get shivers when I read it.
I hope you are enjoying this journey through darkness with me, as I guide you down a path of poems that are focused on Anxiety. I have received very little feedback (which is fine), so I am not sure how this series is being looked at. Nevertheless, dear reader, please read the work, even if you don't want to interact with me on it. Please understand the sweat, the tears and the raw emotion that is plugged into each piece. It truly is exhausting. As always, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my work.
Rod E. Kok
April 2014