i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss the way your arms shield me from the cold
i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss how you wrapped yourself around me like i was your everything
i'd be lying if i said i don't wanna feel how i did whenever you'd pull me closer in your sleep
but
i wouldn't exactly be telling the truth if i said i miss the way you never listened
i wouldn't exactly be telling the truth if i told you i loved the names you called me whenever i would be having a freakout
i wouldn't exactly be telling the truth if i implied that i enjoyed the way cheated on me
but then again
i love the way you lie

i didn't ween myself off of you
even though you were the most addicting drug i've ever touched
one day i decided i couldn't take the comedowns anymore
no matter how high i got off you
i'd like to tell my family i've kicked you
my skins glowing and my smile no longer seldom
yet sometimes the idea of you sets my soul ablaze
and i get the urge
to pick through all my files
emails
messages
memories
carpet picking for shards of you
even the worst of you
i've quit you cold turkey
but it's a fun idea, isn't it?

abyss
void of sound
eyes tightly clenched shut
digits connected to tense palms over little ears
nothing can hurt me here
or so i thought
all the times she screamed at me
i should've just covered my ears

don't worry about me
i'll worry about you
it's my job
relax son,
i'm your guardian angel
if your soul is cracking at the seams
you can have some of mine
and when i'm gone
you can return it with your tears
and replace it with my peace

Material divided
The odds aren't great
But the longer I stare into your picture
I know what sacrifices I'm willing to make
My fingers play with the silk slipping back and forth
Now there is a ribbon around my torso
Plastic china shrank to distort
Ever so slowly
Painfully
Carving skin
Against an indifferent ribbon

orange and red streaks reflected on garden eyes
smoke in my lungs
and a tiny bit of cancer between two delicate fingers
as you grow, everything changes
for better or for worse
life is short baby girl
light a cig

hi there
strawberry locks
porceline skin
seashell pink lips
hiding teeth so fair
someone who has me lost
despair becoming thin
let me brush your hair with my finger tips
i knew from the moment i met you
we were gonna change each others life
i chased after being happy when you were around
and walked when you could no longer run
maybe the universe isn't so cruel
loving someone, not by the edge of a knife
of you, i surround myself with an excessive amount
because loving you is fun

some things bring me joy
like the drip of a faucet
coming to an end
knowing there will be a day
where there will be one less boy
and between life and death you shall cross it
lay in your eternal bed
what i love most about you
is that one day you'll be dead

waking up in the middle of the night
struggling to breathe
searching for anything my eyes can find
noticing all the little statics of reality
this is a losing fight
and no one can save me
here, there is no individuality
sleeping is micro dosing death
and when i realized that
eternal slumber didn't worry me as much

in the most platonic way possible
i enjoy sleeping next to you
or anyone i love
because i know
i'm sleeping next to someone who will miss me when i'm dead

i knew a man who was the best **** actor
i'd ever met
there was this silky texture to his skin underneath the stage lights
there was endless echoes in his laughter
his arms were a safe haven within his own theatre
i could feel his soul become one with mine
watching him perform an entire act
with just our bodies
i don't think i have ever seen a portrayal of love look so convincing
but it was all an act
when the lights were out and he took off his mask
there stood a gremlin of a man
possessing the most vile soul i had ever come in contact with
a man who convinced me i was a precursor of his lies
there stood an extension of Abaddon
in the middle of an empty stage

it's nearly impossible to fathom how somebody else is alive because i chose to be
with this roots emerged from the soil beneath my feet
curling around every inch of skin rapidly
down my throat and over my eyes
i have become encased
within the plane of a boy prophet

i hope it resonates
the ways of me
my eyes you'll drown in deep crystal blue as you sink to the bottom
where god hid gold
my laugh deafening and leaving no silence for hate
plump lips where words fly like knives and cut open your heart
the numbers carved into my collarbone numbering your days
in existence
i am alpha
i am the omega
the beginning
and the end

insecurity in itself is greed
you sit there
you ramble
about how
you can't do this because you aren't thin
you can't look good because your nose is too big
you aren't lovable because you're scatterbrained
dude
listen
you block out all the love everyone is giving you
pieces of their soul
in the process of hating yourself
you also project your hurt onto others
who are just like you
that just wanna feel loved
and
who wants to make you feel loved

"Industrialization is ruining humanity
Capitalism is ruining humanity
Social Media is ruining humanity"
*******
Since the dawn of time every single advancement in our existence has lead to our downfall
If we've learned anything in the past year it's how bleak everything truly is
We have blindly chased progress all this time
Existence in itself is merely a capitalization on some sort of product
Some way to have profit
We're all born to die
We're meant to have a downfall
We can't last forever

i am not built to last
i am built to live
built for walking in the middle of the road
showered with streetlamp rays
built for dying on bathroom floors
i live for feeling skin to skin
i live for sleeping in while the world moves on without me
i am going to give a lifetimes worth of love
in about a fifth of the human lifespan
my impact on this world revolves around a ticking clock
i am merely a marker
a guardian angel

and just when i thought i had enough
i feel every part of myself ascending
this isn't love
this is the hardest **** ive ever smoked
high on lust
and baby
we've still got an ounce to smoke

We’re the same
We’re complete opposites
I grew around you
But you aren’t that anymore
And now I am no longer growing around who you use to be
But I have become you
The you that no longer exists

Peeping eyes
Colorful Mushrooms
Decay exists as a life form
It reminds me of you and I
I hope you’ll see what I need you to see
And you’ll love my establishment of mutual understanding
And
"Please tell me you love me more than being Sick”

I deleted all the photos
I blocked you on everything
I moved to an entire new state to get away from you
Yet I noticed
I still sleep in your shirt

Take over
It’s fine I promise
Make a shell out of me
***** making me tired
This is just something I’ve put too much energy into trying to fix
I ran my course

going through the motions
i have accepted you'll be here the rest of my life
so like a wound i just tend to you when you're at your worst
and sit and enjoy a cup of coffee when you're at your quietest

you're not all one
but in my mind you shall be
through your bedroom window and the floor beside your bed i lied
in the garage i smoked *** with you and your baby-mothers-father
in the back of your car where i first heard the melody of my soul
in your inner city house i spent too much time in
waking up in your arms and you lying to me then and months down the road
sleeping in your van while it was 40 degrees
in your arms because i was lonely
in your heatless house with candles lit and all but it wasn't romantic
running on no sleep while the sun scanned over us that morning
in your basement while your mom was at work
in another basement as i stared at the posters on your wall
you are different people
but i still got what i wanted

dude like listen
i love you
i grew inside your womb
you created me with your own flesh
the best of our relationship
was before i could even form a thought
and that's kind of sad

i'm in unimaginable pain
but i have never been happier

I don’t want peace
I want chaos
I don’t want stability
I want endless uncertainty
I can’t feel anything else

“Is this how you want your life to go?”
No
That’s why I’ll be gone by 21

my head feels dizzy
my soul feels funky
i have googly eyes
there are stitches in my soul
my eyes feel glossy
i have doe legs
my head hurts
i can't think right
i feel sick

it has been 3 years since ive seen you
who are you
there's an image i have of you in my minds eye
but i don't know where my pupils are
you use to make me laugh until i couldn't breathe
but i haven't felt my lungs in years
what are you if i ain't me?

i can't unsee my eyes
i'll always feel my fingers
grounded to my toes
mouse brown shall always root in my skull
there's just some parts of you
i can't outrun

i use to grab your vape from our bed
faster than your hands could move
and i would grin at you as i raised it to my mouth
i would hack immediately
"see? what did i tell you?"
you didn't tell me ****
the homie and i would roam the back roads
passing it back and forth
it felt like stitches for my soul
so i really doubt
it was the nic that hurt me

at least i know you have my back
when i lost my grandpa
you were there
when i felt loved
you were there
when my friends left
you were there
when i met my brother
you were there
when my momma and i fought
you were there
when my dad left
you were there
when i suffered among filth
you were there
when i fell in love
you were there
when i lost love
you were there
i took pills for awhile
to bring back the light
you wouldn't go away
stopped taking them
i can't get rid of you
you are all i have

i am AMO
the little robot from adventure time
i am self destructive
i am ******* absolutely out of my mind
as i grew in my mothers womb
i was created to recieve love

i surround myself with art
i smother myself in it's love
because i have to realize
i am a manifestation of existence
so stuck on the walls
are parts of me

my dad might not rule the nightosphere
he may not be an eternal entity of chaos
he may not even have ate my fries
but when marceline sees him
i can feel everything

hair on the bathroom sink
a lit cigerette not far from it
the smell of stolen cologne
cool dye resting on my scalp
the only thing in my system is a can of monster
ive never felt more connected to the world i want to escape to

it's nasty
but i love it
the way i associate with the beauty of all the colors
the way my brush goes side to side
as i create my happiness on cheap paper

someday when we're both old brother
we'll forget everything
all the walks to sonic
all the late night trips to walmart
dying our hair together
eating candy that made us feel silly
cooking supper together
inhaling until the world around us began to morphe
picking up dog **** so I could stay the night
all the music you made me listen to
all the music i made you listen to
but it's ok
i don't think i'll ever forget how it all made me feel
like i discovered a part of me
you gave me access to
with your love
and the person i got to see you grow into
you put the life back into me

The technician says
And he's right
My hands and mind
start on the same road
but my mind wonders to field beside my vessel
and my hands follow soon
leaving my responsiblities
unfinished.
"It's who I am" I respond
The fields are beautiful
They give me instant happiness
Until the dirt road East
Calls my name too
"It is you
but what you don't realize is sooner or later
you're going to be lost
you're going to be on empty
you're going to crash."
I didn't hear him.
Guilt brought my attention back to the road
Stealing all beauty
Of what distracted me.
"You just need correction."
But
I don't want that.

Back in November
I shaved my head
You told me
"Do whatever you want"
I asked if you'd still find me beautiful
"Yes" you lied
I shaved my hair because it was bound
Bound in a mess of self destruction
And self hatred
Looking back
My hair was a symbol of us
And like my hair
I loved you
but I shedded you too
-"November"