when I was a kid I could see life was hard
didn't know it would take me this far
when I was a kid , I didn't know crime
didn't know lies
didn't know who died
and I sure didn't know why mama cried
I was too young but I knew things deep inside

and the next morning she woke
with two black and blue eyes
funny how they looked like mine
but she hid them in disguise
and I didn't know why
not at the time
I thought things were fine

going to school just to come home
never had anything to rely on
never talked about where I was from
living in a hateful world but having so much love

& I grew up but nothing changed
everyone loves to treat life like a game
living day by day, always the same
but when you play the game you get played

I remember back when I was ten
never met my dad so figured he was dead
some days I'd even pretend
dying to just fit in

I got people bringing me down everyday
I tend towards speaking but have none to say
crying at night, I than pray
its not always black and white
sometimes I see grey
keeping my mind open to follow my dreams
that's me being me
searching for something meaningly deep

I guess that's just life.

**** the pain away

its been a long day coming...


ok. that's enough backsplash
for the day
can't believe I've handled that
its been a long, long day
far too much for the price we pay


all along'
but were hooked on drugs
all ****** up
can you believe
what they've done to me
it's so real

the price we pay
until the death
it declares our face
that we hand off to the world
let em' know I'm not your girl
depend on me
for your every need
like in the one who
planted this seed
of disappointment

free smoke
white coke
selling dope
stay in your lane it's a slippery *****
looking into a kaleidoscope
look for me i'm around the globe
shine so bright i bring a glow
headshots on my frontal lobe
she's always calling "pick up the phone"
**** girl like leave me alone
can't u see i'm tryna get blown
all she do is roll her eyes & moan
i'm just tryna stay in my zone
i swear she's too young like post malone
keep my drama light like keystone
you can work that *** but what you do with that nose
if i'm being honest i'm just tryna bone
play me like a saxophone
acts take play that i will condone
already forgot ya , ya shoulda known
didn't i tell ya my time was on loan
back in the studio , put on my headphones
tell a story but first i gotta break it down

you know,
I do
I miss you


first
love
touch
kiss
****
first, well..

you were everything to me
tell me why it went wrong
I stuck out till the end but it didn't last very long

sad, I know were over now
yet I cant stop thinking
about my first ...

love
memory
happiness
sadness
****.
feelings in general


ok, so I admit
you were everything
and?
where are you now??

“i can’t take this anymore” , she whispers.
With a kiss goodbye ,
gone with the wind
trickle on your neck
the next chapter begins..


“i’ve been waiting for you”...


alas , this isn’t her voice
yet so familiar
something that triggers
a part of your memory
alone within your thoughts
sitting pretty
hours seem like minutes
...

i know i push my luck
will i ever be enough?
it’s so hard to trust
i’m just tryna gain your love

baby it’s hard for me to expose myself
maybe it’s all the **** i’ve been dealt
i’m so afraid
this feeling just don’t go away

around my heart like a barricade
i know you see tham caution tape
it’s written all over my face
wanna be a hero?
let me see your cape
i’m so tired of hiding
but what are you providing?

i throw myself just to get hurt
i put in all my heart
but sometimes it’s never enough
and i get torn apart

i just want someone that i can love
but what if that’s too much to ask for?

it’s apparent that i ask too much
read up on newton’s 3rd law
but you don’t believe in such
much to my reaction
you show little to no action
& that’s a distraction
i won’t have
but i’ve had it up to here
some **** i will no longer bare
will no longer be your puppeteer

i put in all this work
twenty four / seven
just to get buried in the dirt
but if you do not appreciate my art
than you do not get my heart

i guess it was all the lies
so insert into my eyes
into my mind
what i have now visualized

to drop dead weight
that’s very outdated
to look back on how i was baited
now you’ve had a chance to see how i’ve been created

so i’ll push my luck
on to the next bet
i’m still on the search for love
but this time i won’t sweat

            love yours truly ,
                       no longer in debt

so i dont care
if you tear yourself apart
i cant be the only one
tell me whats fair

you beat me up
and tore me down
now i can't breathe
i loved you so much
but i looked into the little things
my heart can only think in love
the purest up above
and destroyed it all
into the crumbs

of despair

i just cant take it anymore

dreaming of a place
where the world doesn't hate
dreaming of a place
of no mistakes
where we all get together and just create

do you remember,
all the old times
good memories
when everything was fine

do you remember
when it was just me and you
deep in love
nothing ever was so true

do you remember
or reminisce
back on the playground
our first kiss

do you remember
when you loved me so
if i could go back
id never leave home

-----------------------------
oh, i stay broken
remembering
all of what used to be
between you and me

oh, so fragile
losing something so magical
no more breaths
cant feel a heartbeat
its all gone

death is a strange thing

i remember
back one day
you were by my side and we would pray
for better dreams

you were just a distraction
I needed you so I could look away
so I could be at peace
if just for awhile
because once your gone
you go with my smile

the world falls apart around me
im suffocating yet im still breathing
how is that possible
to feel broken and nothing at all

so yes, ill take my distraction
ill take it so gracefully
put you in my pocket and pick you out only when I need you the most


in the midst of it all, I turned my face away for just a second
and your gone
disappeared into thin air
I try to see but its vision is cloudy

and when I take a step back
I open my eyes
even my mind
and the distractions that once took over my life
have also disappeared
such like you

a night out
good company
high vibes
drunken thoughts
snazzy jams
living my best life

you can give your whole heart out to people.
and they destroy you.
walk all over it.
it's useless to them.
and walk away from the disaster that you are now. hurt. betrayed. alone.
hiding behind a mask but only for so long.
the tears come down bc you can't hold them in anymore.
you can't be strong.
can no longer hold on.
to anything but reality. & that's not really living
so many disgusting people in this world
so few i keep in my circle
well really just two
that's less than a few
karma comes around
& seeks the truth
so i'll worry about me
& i'll let things be
here's another poem
bc of a tradgedy.

spin me
like a record
playing me
until you get bored
the needle like words tear into my skin
such a plastic feel
the waves of my voice
drowned by your touch
at the end of the song
I've run out of luck
waiting to get played
once more..

you are the one bright light at the end of the road
i travel towards it ,
giving me hope
yet i never seem to reach it,
no matter how far i traveled
this distance between us
is everlasting

your the reason i drink
im too tired to think
don't wanna believe
this was all make believe
merely a dream
and i was blinded by love
just couldn't see
you were never the one for me

lately, ive been working on a deeper meaning
of my writing or maybe my life
actually, who am i to decide
because both of these subjects seem to intertwine
into one,
one that is me
evidently,
im trying to hard to force things

go with flow
go with what i know
what ive always been told
to do the right thing
follow the path of certainty

i forgot how to feel
my body is cold
my heart is of steel
as i remember love is unreal

a memory
a dream
a distant thought of you and me

drowning in my sorrows
im a lost soul searching for tomorrow

I've become numb
left defeated
damaged
a crumb at the end of your mind

love left me blind
and than it intertwined
with my heart deeply fried
into charcoal bits
left to wither into the dust
blended together

im anything but numb

chances
plans
aspirations
all leading to one goal

happiness
over a wingspan
finding a foundation over different situations

this is the future.

day dreaming
transformed into another world
my heads in the clouds
while I've landed in space
drifting away
thoughts form the images in my mind
vividly living in this wonder land

within a blink of an eye
im snapped back to reality
deep breaths
back into hiding
sitting in a corner
locking myself in a room
hoping no one finds me

if I could close my eyes once more..

is reality your nightmare or is your nightmare reality?

so you hurt me
and you want to bring the knife back
like you never knifed me in the back
oh ****,
I'm broken
i've spoken so
i don't feel this way anymore

will i ever be enough?
crying myself to sleep
tears fill the void just deep enough to drown in it
forced to swallow emotions
sometimes they get stuck like a big lump in your throat
anxiously waiting to be spit back out
whose perfect in this world?
dying to fit in so much that there's little to live for
I guess they were right when they said, "born alone, die alone"
but they forgot to add the part where you go through life alone
I wish there was an option for 'do not disturb', in real life
unless if you count ignoring someone

never felt so alone
stuck in my room
such a dark place
never felt so cold
chills run down my spine

to get into a car
is such a valuable suggestion
to go places
you've never suggested
to predict the future
of the path less taken
or rather known
in signs of an injunction


to reach a car
a moving vehicle, that is
to not experience the case of lethal injection
although not taken my body
nor forced
this type is called anxiety


this type is called
I wish you could see
personally struggling
what you caused in me.
to be never encountered, by you.

I'm ashamed that there is a power you hold over me
and within a few hundred miles
within a distance of no reciprocation

you have that power
the power I should not digest

stringing along with my mind
slowly waiting for it to die
not a horrible death but you along with it

you see, I'm terrified
of reaching the road
any of which are paved out
nor drunk or sober me
can handle this disease

unspoken for now...
although one day

I'll be free.
free from you
free from the road
anxiety in a diff level

what it takes
to be enough

picking hate or choosing love

bring me out of this dark hole
bring me out of this pain
bring me out of my memories
just do whatever it takes

lately
anxiety and depression just eat me alive
struggling to breathe
while they bury me

and i know you don't notice
not even the slightest thing

and that's okay
it's not your fault
i've been dealt this way

and you could never tell if you look me in the face
and i swear i'm doing
whatever it takes.

staying up late
i just can’t sleep
can’t resist the thought of me
staying out late
it’s predictable
it’s more than you should know

i’m dying
straight up i can’t breathe
if the world were to end
at least i’d be beneath

my life in ******* cycles

worlds apart
yet
souls never drifted too far
for the one she left behind
perhaps, for a moment in time
yet, if time was measured by love time would not exist.
love has no limit.
much like the universe, circle of life, depends on it.
when reconnected, gain was overruled by loss
reality was better than a dream, till the end of the universe
but that's just it, it never did..