i think
there is nothing
better than
agate blue
quiet stillness
earth is a
faraway thought
i am already empty
my volume
should be
water instead
of my blood

i love a man in a suit
midnight black or navy blue or stark white
i love a man with a beard
curly haired, brown-eyed angel face
i love a man with those hands
those fingers can fit in my mouth
i love a man in that timbre
honey sweet, silver stability
i love a man with that look
stern, slightly disapproving
i love a man who’s a protector
who would raze the world for me
i love a man who can cook
feed me all the wonderful things
i love a man who can cure me
of my boredom, my desolation
i love a man on screen
he never stays, he never leaves

it was nothing special
one in the afternoon
guts on the floor
i must have screamed
Clean by Taylor Swift so loud
my neighbor thought i was insane
the sun relentless
the sadness interminably long
three months sober
i take a look at the ruins of me
and smile

if you had died before me,
i would’ve found your family’s lot in the graveyard,
wear my summer dress
the one you didn’t know i put on
just for you
i would’ve put lilies on top your gravestone
baby’s breath, pink peonies
wild flowers in different sizes, pastel colors
tied them together with a white bow
just for you
i would’ve sat beside you
watch the giant clouds pass by
in our idyllic, rainless afternoon
the perfect kind of day when time stops
just for you
then when the sun said its goodbyes
i’d have blown the candle out
trace your name on the marble
trace your name and leave

i think of her
the same way people think of
hunger balanced on their tongue
or when the thunder
perfectly timed, cracks open the sky
the soft vowels and slight curve
as i dust her off the shelf
put her back, limbs attached
stare at her forlornly without a care
i think of her
when the thought in my mind becomes heavy
as heavy as a lie
but there is nothing here
but space and backspace
the death of another poem

you don’t need to go there
you don’t need to open
every door that your mind
takes you to
you don’t need to do this
the labyrinthian musings
you don’t need to be
a snake eating its own tail
you don’t have to seek
paths no one else
has been back from
lay your head on my lap
let your worries fall off
your shoulders
i will braid you a story
that has a ribboned end
and you will be able to sleep
at last

the door is unlocked
between the inky hours
of midnight to half past two
i even shook the window’s
rusted silver screen
just to push it all the way to the side
the moon reminds me
you are asleep and dreaming
you cannot climb into my terrace
but i tell the moon
you are resourceful
you only ever needed to ask

a tiny thing, a little cat
brings me little treasures
things she has caught
but i don't want them
i have already closed
the worn-out kitchen door

it leaves its little presents
by the doorframe
i watch her leave them
and wait for me
to arrive, to praise her
like i have done before

she sees me by the window
i see her confused little face
i turn away, close the shades
and she does not leave
and i do not leave
and i do not open the door

a stream is a river is a sea is an ocean
a cycle of water breaks free from the same waters
and if anger is the conditioned emotion
we follow same circles, same eldest daughters

i delete things
to forget
my mind is very fickle
yet it paces
interminably
so when i push
that reset button
my mind
stutters, sputters
stops
and i get
blessed silence
and you get
zero air time
in my mind

what i've noticed is
love usually simmers into a boil
the heat of it becomes
bubbly laughter, its warmth is the
evaporation of the senses
its result fogs up my lenses
until all i can see is the smoke
then if i want, i could either
bring it down and let it cool
or let it reach a fever pitch
and watch it overflow
and instead of filling in the shape
it breaks the container it was in
it takes a while for me to decide
whether i got burnt
or have become alive

the heat is a blanket
over my tiny body
i am waiting for your
cool touch, heaven eyes
the two of us from above
but do not care about them
i will make us a heaven here
i want to touch, to engulf
waters meeting shore
rain falling down
its water is enough to soothe,
to renew, breathe into the blue
until you are whole again
until then, heaven is just a thought

the moon is a friendly face
solitary as a cheshire cat
he travels into my bedroom
and tucks my hair behind my ear
with a mischievous grin
he never stays too long
too many dreams to see
but he tells me right before he leaves,
“you are made of starlight,
a periwinkle hue
if you close your eyes right now
you’ll see silver in your sleep.”

i have been drowning
slowly, surely
all the while living
i have never known
the difference
between the two

both make
my heart beat louder
my limbs akimbo
my entire soul
drenched, shivering
in the indigo blue

is it bad,
that i think
being alive
is being in pain?
i no longer know
what is true

life
is brutal, Ama
i can no longer breathe
full breaths.
the ocean of it
is vast, cruel

and the more i stay
in the depths
of the seas
and the cold
the more i long
to see you

come save me
my body is
in the coral reefs
white and still
a child waiting
to be told what to do

come on over, sit down
i prepared a feast for you
to be engorged on
here i have:
premium understanding
basic human decency
lower middle class manners
empathy, empathy, empathy
a college communication degree
(hey, that last one is magna *** laude!
i know, in the real world, it doesn’t matter
but it does mean i know a few things
about talking)
here i slice my emotions
dice them up for you to swallow
here i puree my heart
liquify it for you to digest better
i know i can be too much
but i can make it easier for you, see?
have a taste, i know you want to.
i know you want to.
….
you have to go? this is too much?
not to worry,
i have my empathy in takeout boxes
you can keep taking it from me
free of delivery charge!
just use the takeout code:
INDIHASNOSELFRESPECT
yes, it’s only available for the rest of my life
so go on, take it away!
please feed yourself
i have so much to give, see?
let me satisfy your cravings
let me make space for your ego
the world is too small to house it
but i can try to make you full

i think there is something
wrong with me
yes, i know you found nothing
in my results but
i am indigo pale in the sun
the river that flowed in between
the cracks of my spine
has ran its water out
and i carry
clouds heavy with depression
tar-like, and beating my chest
plummeting me
to the depths, the depths
of sorrow i felt five years back
and i’m telling you, doc
i don’t think i am meant
to feel this much

i want money to eat
money i can gorge on
money i’d have to puke
cause too much money
sit in my throat
**** being a poet
i want money so *****
i’d be a minor crime lord
or a senator
or a contractor
i want money so much
i think about it all the time
is it borderline avarice
to think of money all the time?
i want money as a lubricant
to make it easy to get out
slick me up, like a porcelain doll
yeah, just enough money
to get me out
the funny thing is,
if i was told every letter
every line i ever wrote
could be converted into
cold, hard cash?
**** it,
i wouldn’t take it
i couldn’t take it
**** my life, i guess

an orange skyline, ultra-thin and sleek
i take my mother’s scissors and hold it
in my hands. it weighs as heavy as her love.

a chrome red road, glittering and smooth
we run to familiar shadows, familiar monsters
after all, their footsteps sound like love.

an azure getaway car, rumbling and ready
i give you the scissors and you hold it
gently. it becomes water in your love.

a yellow streetlight, bent and rusted
under its pallid color, there’s no monster waiting
after all, could there be fear when there’s love?

an evergreen tree, still and quiet
the car has stopped in a field of wildflowers
sunrise has come and it looks like love.

let me row you out, darling girl
climb in, put your feet together
this is my father’s boat
and his father’s boat before him
these waves have rocked them
before cradling us, so do not worry
these waves will not bring us harm
tug on the ropes as i grab the oars
and sweep the gentle blue
and away we go
far away from the city
far away from our woes
past the past, before the daybreak
would you come away with me?

i want to press into you
until i cannot see
where i end and
where you begin
i want to know everything
from where you sleep
to where you dream
i don’t have a lot
but i can do this for you:
i will build us a heaven
where you can rest
and i can look at you
wouldn’t that be nice?

i feel the need to put
a sharp thing on the surface of my skin
i feel the need to make
every bad decision i can in my life
i want to blow up every bridge
i want to terrify the people who love me
i have been waiting for so long
i have been good for so long
and yet
my heart has given me nothing but misery
my heart is a stupid little girl
throwing tantrums, howling in pain
screaming at people to stay

sometimes it is better
to be slightly drunk
it makes my colors duller
it makes my heartbeat slower
it makes my world softer
it makes my mind quieter
and the words?
my god
they come to me
and i didn’t even have to beg
all i had to do was let myself
be led

they have taken my words
and minced them up
in front of me
this is a familiar hell
this oubliette, this hole
this ******* landfill
of words and words and
words have
lost meaning, lost color
as little by little
i am pulverized
to grain, to salt, to dust
over and over again
over and over again
over and over again

i would like to run away
far from the bogged down
existence i have made
sell my clothes, my hair
sell my words still
dipped in my blood
i’d use the money and
board a train, a ship, a plane
**** it, i’ll move to an island
everywhere’s an island
if i tell no one where i am

lines and lines
of rivulets of words
gushing, stemming from
the thin. soft skin
of my wrist.
I poke at it, examine it
fingers pushing in
just to check to see
if i am still a writer, after all
i wonder if i'm all used up
i wonder if the ink has dried
it's been six months
have i been pretending to be alive?

summer swipes its tongue
across its teeth,
i am undone in its heat
its air a humming thing
reaching out,
i am undone in its heat
melting, dripping
my fingers fit in
its soft mouth
i am undone in its heat

i am a narra tree
i want you to cut me down
with your sharp ax
slowly
measured breaths
your sweat
my branches
down
down
down
i go to the ground
we leave my roots behind
my body will be your house
and i will haunt you
you will want me
curved
straight
smooth
until i am in
the floor
the walls
the ceiling
my body will be your house
and i will haunt you
until you want me
out of everything
push me out
drag me out
curse me out
but remember, i was a narra tree
and i wanted you to cut me down

sometimes denying you
the thing you want
even when it kills me
brings me a singular joy -
i can say no to you
i can hurt you too
inflicting pain is something
both of us can do
isn’t it ****** up
that i am only at peace
if you are dying with me too?
this persistent voice
wanting to hurt you
as much as you did me
is louder than i thought
it should scare me
but i am tired of trying
to deny
that it does not hurt
that you did not hurt
you did, you did, you did
you can’t tell me this isn’t love
why else would it hurt this much?

when time sits with me comfortably
i forget i was ever thirteen - even twenty
she is someone i can barely hold
her laughter is made of stuff purer than precious gold

when time sits with me comfortably
i despair at the thought of being thirty
she is someone i can barely hold
her dreams are the dinner table food i left out and gotten cold

when time sits with me comfortably
i feel like i am choking from inside out, endlessly
but to think on it too much makes the suffering unending
and before i sleep, i think what i feel isn’t pain but understanding

i love being soft with you.
gravity is nothing compared
to how you ground me.
the earth shakes, the skies break
and yet
i’ll always know you and
you’ll always know me.
i think about the laughter,
and the next chapters
and usually
the thought, the changes
make me anxious
but you make it better
by existing, by staying.
mike, have i ever told you?
i love being soft with you.

imagine Manila in white
like a necklace of sampaguita hanging
on an ivory saint’s neck
sweet and innocent, children’s fingers
braiding every flower

imagine Manila in white
like the lines on the concrete
leading you home after work
the streetlight a beacon beckoning
never flickering once

imagine Manila in white
like thin bones of the milkfish
from a table laden with every meal
you could ever wish for
and you leave always full

imagine Manila in white
like the stately pillars of our Congress
bleached clean, after a bone deep cleanse
and every paper is lined with veracity,
all receipts are released

imagine Manila in white
like the summer full moon
when we dance and sing of the past
and our song is full of pain
but the melody doesn’t stay the same

imagine Manila in white
like an infant’s first taste of milk
we thirst for what was promised
we thirst for what is ours until
our wails are silenced at last

imagine Manila in white
like the pearl left in the oyster
pristine and untouched
the sea is calamitous and yet
the pearl shines in the dark

my god, can you imagine?
imagine Manila in white

i think you can dilute me
in the southwest monsoon
that buries the city in july
i let the gray rainfall
choke me, drown me
until all my colors have
bled through me

i think i can dilute me
and make me easier
tolerable for you
to drink up, to love
there is nothing more i want
consume me, renew me
make me water in your hands

i think there are other people
out there, waiting for me
but i don’t want to wait for them
when i have waited so long for you
so just dilute me, **** me
let me be a chasm
and fill me up, up, up

i think you can make me
into someone you will miss

you all ******* lied to me
i really am alone
there is no safety net
there is no structure
nothing
i am simply falling
with no one to catch me

we didn’t talk the entire time
from the hospital
to our house
just you and i
and our footsteps
falling in time
(i think i would know you
eyes closed, heart blinded)
you said i couldn’t take criticism
when you can’t take any blame
but i followed you home quietly
and you cooked my favorite meal
we go around in a circle
hand in hand, eurydice

im so
humgry
im so so
hungry
my stomach
hurts
im so
******* hungry

i return to the shore every night
the waves in indigo shades
i bury my feet in the sand
i am exhausted with my heart

the night makes a quiet friend
she is the cold fog and a starless sky
i swim past the ivory coral reefs
i am exhausted by my heart

the hurt settles on the ocean floor
it feeds the algae floating by
i drown to make sense everything
i am exhausted for my heart

if there is a world where
you and i can meet again
would you choose to
do it all over just to see me?
would you sink into
unfamiliar crowds
unfamiliar sounds
and somehow find your way
back to me?

i am standing on the ledge
the precipice presses
on the soles, in the soul
and chills me to the bone
i am standing on the ledge
and i am about to jump
into the unknown, evergreen
thoughts of mine flourish in
the inky, lonely midnight
i am standing on the ledge
if i look back, if i could turn
you and a hundred thousand people
stare at me, waiting
for me to flail, to fail, to fall
i am standing on the ledge
there is no safety net,
no wires connected to a pole
no helmet placed on my head
this is how i know it will be painful
i am standing on the ledge
there are no constraints,
no mistakes yet shackled to my belt
but the wide, glittering skyline before me
is how i know it will be glorious
i am standing on the ledge
my knees forward, my heart -
a clever, fragile thing - beats
strongly and reminds me i am alive
i jump -

in soft hours when your heart’s
awake dreaming
and you feel a soft whisper
gently tracing
your skin, your spine to your soul
that’s me loving
you

i open my mouth
to taste the rain
and pretend that is you
i am not cold, i am not wet
i am covered in you

i fall into it
right as i crawl myself out of it
compared to me, Sisyphus's struggle is nothing

the heavy love i carry?
well, it keeps tumbling back to me
like a rock out to crush and ****

i know, i know
i am a sentimental fool
but where should i put the weight of everything?

i can't give it to you
but i can't let it stay with me
so i guess i'll be pushing it up the hill

there is something soft
in the way pain heals
how a fresh wound
hardens like a shield
and in time
blooms into new skin
how a purple bruise
reminds in its familiarity
that it will be alright
like it has been alright
so many times before
there is something gentle
in the way pain heals
how the heart is a muscle
that can be fatigued
that can be broken
and in time
be renewed

have I ever told you?
you are the August moon, December rain
and I am summer year-round.
when we meet, the light catches
and from your rain and my sun
we make a burst of color -
fleeting,
beautiful,
and never real.

falling in love is
a little death
the chaos of its creation
revels in the
confusion which
bursts into brilliant white
then comes its
pseudo infinite life span
the way i think it will go
on and on and on
but really it ends
with a whimper and
a quietness
that marks its
last exhale

i hope you

- lick rust, get tetanus, and die
- forget your keys in the car
- step on glass, get a foot infection, and die
- get a mind-numbing toothache from 11 PM to 2 AM
- get stuck in space with your oxygen running out
- never find someone who matches your freak
- compute your GPA and realize you’re a few points away from getting Latin honors
- choke on boba
- get bitten by an unidentified venomous snake and you don’t have access to the antidote so you slowly die
- get CC’ed on a HR email before you clock off
- time travel, get stuck in the 1800s, and die from cholera
- trip on your shoelaces and land on dogshit
- never find the other sock
- are the last person alive in a zombie-filled apocalyptic wasteland
- miss me

you don’t have to ask
it’s one of those things
we learn in school
you know, fun facts?
a scorpion stings,
the sky is blue,
and i love you
and i love you

plant your sorrows into my earth
and i will bear the sweetest fruit
the summer sun marks our rebirth
teeth bared, feline-like in her pursuit

there is a pocket universe
in between our houses
as sturdy as a narra tree
there, girls get to be girls
and friends never go
there, a boyfriend isn’t
a death sentence
there, our garden is full
of begonias, chrysanthemums
there, we water them
and they grow

in our next life
come meet me
in a school
in a graveyard
in a planet
where there are three suns
hanging in the sky
do not worry,
i can tell it’s you
i cannot meet your eyes
and not know it is you

march is ending soon
and i admit, i still see you
in girls wearing silver bracelets
in lovelorn incomplete phrases
in lilac flowers hanging on vines
in a curious cat’s blinking eyes
i stare at them a second longer
and let myself softly linger
march is ending soon
and i admit, i still see you