there's a part you will never be able to touch
whether you shrink yourself down to the size
of a quarter and jump into her back pocket
whether you beg and plead and stomp
and cry and demand to understand what I
have that you don't, you never will

it isn't love or effort or commitment
it's responsibility and dependence and
the cruelty of saying you'll never leave.
and then there was me
trying to make the blood stop gushing
slapping her face with a force I'm not proud of
trying to get her to stay awake long
enough to regain consciousness
memories of somersaulting down stairways
and the look in her eye before I saw fists

it's the middle of the night
and I won't rest until I get
the chance to change everything
and jump into another body
I've got chlorine in my hair
I've got scars on my skin
I'm only trying to keep my
head above all this water
the end means I stop looking back
you know how skies look different
when you're at a ****** gas station?
I think that's kind of the same as how
your love always seemed sweeter
when it was nearly killing me

I don't know when enough is enough
giving up is something I never learned to do
and my expiration date was marked
for the minute she took her call
I knew that then and I still do now
I see clearer now than I ever have before
but I look around and I wonder
what it's like to be found
or at least ******* seen, pathetic

I almost got to touch her, once or twice
but I just laid in her sheets and wondered
if I did it now, if it'd hurt worse later
if I do this now, if I put it into words
will it still hurt me in the morning?
I'll never find an easier way to let you
in on what the inside of my body looks
like than by telling you that I still
cry for a girl I never even touched
I'm not sure you know what I mean by that

do you know what it's like
to always want more?
a blessing and a curse
my body is moving
but my soul is stuck
hidden behind my actions
that speak unfortunately
louder than these words
there's always something
blocking my view-
the sun waking me up
the drive taking too long
my love being too strong
do you know what it's like
to never have enough?
I'm scared I'll get to the top
and keep pushing for more
I'll be on top of the world
with no way to breathe
no people to see
nothing left to beat
I'll be on top of the world
screaming at the milky way
"come, take a ******* piece of me!"
the sun will burn my skin
I'll have five thousand freckles
and heat stroke year round
do you know what it's like to
want so much but have
no idea where to start?
at this point my words
have to start doing more
this thought can't just count
I'm trying to prove to myself
the only way up
is to bring myself down
do you know what it's like
to knock yourself off?
I want to be humbled
and then empowered
these days
can not
will not
last forever

I sit on top of my rooftop
eating honey and smelling flowers
wishing on the stars and the
cracks in the pavement
for a chance to become a bee
if you want to give up, go ahead
I'll try to pick up the
pieces as best I can
but just know I'll
always put myself first
besides of course
when I put you before everything else
which will happen fairly often
if not always
but other than that
it's about me
I know you are sick of my
indecisiveness and irritability
and I know nobody thinks that I
notice when I start to spin out
but I really can feel the difference
in the same way
I can tell what color a rose
is by the way it smells
and the gender of the
bee by the way it stings
on my pessimistic days
I can tell if a rose is dead
by how bad the thorns
make my fingers bleed
there are talents behind
this shaking knee
and inability to sleep
ones you will never see
If you are having a bad day
I can try to help it turn around
but just know once I start
I'll never stop
x