can't be who you want
though i wanna see you happy
convinced the answer to all your problems
is to have me
but you can't just have a person
i'm not a means to an end
i'm not a fool to mold
or rule to bend
can't cut me to perfection
to fit your narrative
think i don't notice your affections
but i'm awfully aware of them
and i'm trying to be respectful
though you don't think as much of me
benefit of the doubt
even if you don't deserve such niceties
i wont let you make me become hard
but you'd be dead wrong to think i'm soft
you tear into me for figuring out who i am
when at least i know what i am not
it's in my nature to be supportive
but i can no longer offer my services
i'm tired of being pulled apart
so you can figure out what your purpose is

im no1s number 1 n thats 2 bad
its 3 am n im dying 4 u 2 luv me back

how much longer
you can't expect me to be stronger
my arms are getting tired
and i'm intimidated by all these liars
my legs are shaking beneath the weight
can't focus can't think can't concentrate
stop telling me to get over it already
i'm barely holding on and i'm surprised i've stayed steady
don't tell me to push it off
i did that before but the nightmares didn't stop
i need you to listen for once in your life
stop trying to tell how to cope with this right
i've hurt so much that i no longer feel pain
just stuck in anxiety and guess i'm gonna have to wait

you proven i'm not enough
time and time again
by showing that not only you can't love me
you cant even be my friend
i dont even want to associate 
out of fear of being hurt
when i apologized you missed the sincerity
my submission was the only thing you heard
you don't miss me
you miss the attention that i gave you nonstop
you had someone love you so much
that them leaving wasnt a even thought
i loved you so much
you didn't even have to love me back
you don't miss me
you miss that
so stop reaching out
i'm done with your lying
none of this would've happened 
if you really were trying
to make things better
but you just want things better for you
you don't miss me
you miss having a person to use

easy come
easy goes
conceal the pain
before it shows
hide the marks
before he knows
for as easy as they come
they leave so slow

even when it hurts
and i've never felt more alone
the things that make me feel that way
are not things i go through alone

i will say i am sorry
when the words come
but frankly i don't even think
they have even begun
to figure themselves out
or informed me of their choice
so right now enjoy the silence
before i burden you with the sound of my voice

this is my moment in the sun
the light warm on my skin
dancing across my freckled shoulders
welcoming me to play like a child again
i spin around and lay in the grass
i remember how it felt to be free
it's been a while since the world felt this big
since i could not struggle to breathe
the apricity is dangerous
as it makes me forget who i am
but i will relish in the rays
and pretend to not understand

stage makeup smudged
but you're still shining
a natural talent
with your subtle gaslighting
felt true comraderie
or so i thought
my show of emotion
threw you off

my sympathy
just made you laugh
all my effort
simply trash
in your play
but unaware of the script
felt so real
didn't question it

and now it's time for the big reveal

brutus et tu
yes even you
disappointed
but what can i do
it was all just an act
all just for laughs
i'm the one walking away
with knives in my back

one misstep
and i fell through the floor
conspired for me
to spring the trap door
as i disappeared
they all clapped for you
frozen in realization
finally seeing the costume

the applause
left ringing in my ears
beneath the stage
was an ocean of tears
never knew i
was hated so much
party going upstairs
now that they think i'm dust

a celebration for the ages

soak myself up
and find my way out
ragged and dizzy
make my way into the crowd
the sound of joy crashes
into silence as they notice me
wineglasses shatter on marble floors
alas the undead king

this used to our kingdom
my beloved castle
overthrown by the ones
i rode beside in battle

the only communications i receive are spam and scams
nobody could tell you where i am
i'm lonely but i'm free

spent the day trying to feel something new but failed
i retraced my closing wounds and staled
like the dishes in my sink

every day it's something and every week just flies right through
every month every year every second without you
i'm starting to lose my steam

i used to move mountains and now i don't want to turn over
because my body hurts and somethings digging in my shoulder
and my arm just fell asleep

quite pitiful but i suppose i'm coming to a stop
somehow miraculously found my off
too young to feel this heavy

but my bones are tired and my eyes close themselves
why does dying sound easier than all of this hell
a girl can only dream

its just that
it's all wrong

everything i couldn't be
things i shouldn'tve done
disappointment swells in your eyes
as you hiss at what i've become
sorry for who i ended up being
for not being enough to make you love me
the guilt has eaten through my anger
away is where i'll keep running

icky sticky 
trying to trick me
caught in your web
nursing where you bit me
itsy bitsy
calling it quitsy
i threaten to leave
but i know you wont miss me
spider liar
dont try to hide her
she's already caught
in the crossfire
this fighter's expired
i'm way too tired
just hurt me again
heartbreak for hire

You tell me you’re suffering
But I took the pain away before
I don’t feel bad for you
Because you keep asking for more
Lies and Betrayals
Should’ve have stayed with me
You cry all these tears
Because you strayed from me
Don’t try to come back
It’s a little late for me
But, babe, don’t you want her?
But you been needin’ me lately
Some day I swear you’ll be
Regrettin’ all these choices
Wish you didn’t cave in
To those inner voices
But I’ve been through

Faded Nights
And empty days
To forget you
And your selfish ways

no no no
i always write
but i can't write no more
can't put myself out there
can't even walk through the door

no no no
i can't cry
i always cry because of what they say
they told me to be stronger
so i have to deal with the pain

no no no
i can't do this
i can't act like i am fine
but they need me to be presentable
so i guess i'm gonna have to make the time

hope you had a ****** day
know that's really ****** to say
but if i can't play an active role
and have to make sense of all this pain

then i think it's okay
to hope you have a ****** day
it's been dark a couple months now
and my sunshine through the rain

is hoping you're having an even ******* day
that my absence ruins your means of escape
thinking 'she should be here'
and remembering you pushed me away

that everytime things are looking up
you feel a bit ashamed
it didn't have to be this way
i already had enough on my plate

so yeah it's hateful of me
but what else can i say
i won't do anything to make it happen
but i hope you've been having some ******* days

it really should be so simple
to do the right things
remembering to eat
and going to sleep
but i stare at the ceiling
unless i take certain measures
and my tongue turns to cotton
my appetite has surely been better
so uninterested in what's left of life's pleasure
unbothered to set myself out to dry
sitting on shower floor
using my little alone time to cry
and life's actually never been this great
in many ways i'm growing
but i only see things i haven't achieved
and pain i'm not showing
its so weird to be in between
healed and healing
for the last couple weeks
i couldn't explain what i've been feeling
but maybe it will come back
the hunger for something more
until i'll just alternate
between being uncomfortable, suffering, or bored

memory lane is longer than i remember
every woe felt and then forgotten
so now that i choose to look back
every good moment has turned to something rotten

i knew not what i'd done
more concerned with little issues
that never mattered as much as you
and i know that now
but then i was stupid
led by and for amusement
tangled in pointless idiotic webs
instead of focusing on the real things
the people and memories that made me me

no no no
this isn't what i meant
this isn't what i wanted
this can't be how it ends
pulling away from a touch
that's no longer there
it's an ugly ugly feeling
but nobody cares
make it make it stop
and wash it away
hot water does no good
nor the tears on my face
it's so uncomfortable
to think about things that could've happened
i'm just tired and unsure
holding in my reaction
because i can't mourn
while i lie in the crime scene
just another ****** situation
they always find me

i know you don't like me
and that you think that you're better
and above my existence
and wanna forget we were together
and you think cause i smoke and drink
i'm a *** and a waste
but for all that it is
i ignore all your hate
because i know that you hate me
because of stuff that you did
you miss me don't you
and it makes you wanna *****
i can't absorb all the responsibility
for the issues we have
between us two
i have to have my own back
for once at least
and not let you just trample
over all of my feelings
or make an example
out of me and my willingness to die for you
love twisted and mistaken
i would have taken most anything
to prevent this devastation
but it would have never mattered what i did
or didn't do
i can do my part
but can't rely on you
to do yours
or treat me like a human
i'm **** now
and awful and stupid
at least in your eyes
that's what i've become
i'm flawed but i'm kind
and you're blind and young
just as i had to be to let you in
and how i have to be to let you go
you broke my ******* heart
but i won't let you have my soul

i did it before you
i'll do it without you
you meant something
but now you have to be nothing
i hate it
but its how it has to be
if i ever want to be happy
i know this isn't real
and i'm talking to myself
but now that you're gone
this is what i have to do
to feel just a little okay
and move on little by little each day
one day you will truly
truly be nothing
would you like that?
are you ready for that?

i hope not
(and i hope it stings
is that wrong of me?)

heart so pure
it's white as the snow
beneath your feet

fragile
yet towering
be gentle with me

the snowflakes
that land on your eyelashes
tickle and make you blink

and when your close you eyes
i wonder how beautiful
you are when you sleep

because it would be riveting
to just sit there
as you dream

i feel my eyes trace your silhouette
i watch your chest
fascinated by the way you breathe

by existing
you are enough
to make me happy

release those words into the environment
without consideration
of the situation
of their implications
testing my patience

it was 'nice' to hear my voice for a couple seconds
still sending mixed signals
said it was just as gentle
so sentimental
driving me mental

i think you mean what you say
but it doesn't even matter
can't just bust in after
you left me shattered
pieces too scattered

to even bother picking myself up
had to start fresh
which was really just a mess
youre so ridiculously blessed
you don't know what it's like being second best

cold air bites at me
if i stay out here i'm going to freeze
but i can't be sure of what i've seen
i tread to the center carefully

as i arrive
through the ice
i see those eyes
frozen in suprise

now i wanna head back
but its too late for that
the lake has set her trap
the ice begins to crack

i don't try to escape
too late to be saved
should've walked away
from a familiar face

when i turned eighteen
you didn't show up
the year before that too
you didn't come
said you were too busy
to swing by
work too much
didn't have time

but as soon as your baby
turns eight
you make the time
you save the date
we made plans to go out
but you shut them down
rescheduled so you
could be around

when i graduated
you said nothing to me
four years of your
constant degrading
i did my best
and you still raged
i was a burden
if i didn't obey

told me i was
tearing your family apart
spit in my face
and stomped on my heart
pressed down on me
if my head got too high
my happiness seemed
to be your demise

i wish i knew
what i could've done
i hate that i hate you
and have since i was young
hate that you forget me
and ignore my rights
feels like i've never had family
that i'm just a hiccup in your life

one day when you regret your choice and look back at how things were
the day that i'm actually moved on and shining without a care in the world
don't reach out and say you miss me and you shouldn'tve chosen that girl
over our friendship because i knew that from the second you turned
i knew the second you tasted her lips you were gonna burn
you did everything and anything to give the world to her
up to even lying to me and leaving me crying on a curb
i was broken without you and i was lonely and hurt
you were the one person i thought truly deserved
the trust i put in them though i've obviously learned
history means nothing when it comes to making it work
whoever gets you off will always have the last word
so no i would not like to pick things up or reminisce on how they were
it was good while it lasted but you left on bad terms
i have no need to reconnect or wait to reobserve
the same toxic behavior that led this to occur

well ****
**** **** **** ****
gotta be who i said i would be
who i've actually been
but i feel it building up
and i  struggle to reel it in
this is why i never try
to be anyone's friend

one day older
but years have passed
since the last time i tasted your skin

last night was a dream
but its not right now
when will we meet again

i want to be patient
but there is something about you
that i can't unsee

it has a hold on my body
changing my mind
and i'm not sure what it means

i just need you now
i need you fast
i need you like never before

one last touch
oh yes another and another
is it fine if i ask for just one more