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The best book that I read in my life








It is none other than my
DIARY
One way to get out of depression is to read your dairy entries back
etched on ecru
tooth or tusk
born of boredom
and bloodlust
sailors scrape
the ships at sea
fabulous frigates
fast and free
ever sailing
n'er to sink
pipe ash used
they had no ink
whales weren't wasted
their tooths a part
of this great
seafaring

art.
I have done skrimshaw.
I never used illegal ivory.
But if I did it today,
I'd use ivory nuts!
(A seed that is large
and has all the properties
of real ivory)
Whatever you do when you start to hurt.
Use this to dance around your suffering.
To use this time if possible to help others.
Use this time to Praise the Lord your God.
No matter what you are going through now.
Help others , love upon others and encourage them.
Allow God to use this time to Glorified him.
Thus allowing him to use you to draw many to him
Love each of you, and may Christ always bless you.
What I am about to say
Will save you
From a great sadness

1. Don't ever caress your broken heart in your hands
The blood will stain your finger tips scarlet
And be imprinted on the next person you hold.

2. Don't succumb
To the comforting grey side
Of Sadness
I know its warm. I know its safe.
But its only all those things
Because darling,
It will never leave.

3. Don't keep things hidden.
Who are you?
How can you even think of not being the main character of your story?

4. Don't read books about girls being left behind, and about boys dying
Or about people who are too afraid
Or too courageous
Or whose main characters are liars
Who come alive when you look into
Their eyes.

5. Don't let your heart pull away from him
Because you feel like
"You love him too much"
He won't understand why
You are holding his heart
And your own.

6. Don't start writing when you are sad.
The ink won't be able to run from your fingers when you are happy
And you will be left without the words you have
Become addicted to-

You will hold your heart in your hands
And you will pick at its stitches to feel
And your heart will bleed
And it will stain your fingertips red.

You will reach out to him,
And your will leave scarlet smears across his cheek
And his chest
And his wrist
And no matter how many times
You kiss
The stain will stay

And you will
Wrap yourself in the soft grey
And the Sadness will swear
To always stay
And you will feel loved
Because it will never leave.

And you will start to hide it-
The warm grey
The phone call
An opinion
The fight you had
The tears and words
That want to come out


And you will turn to books
Not to escape
But to learn
About other
I's and hers and hims
And their words will come out
Black and white
The next time
He whispers
'I love you' in your ear.

And then you will start to pull away
Because
god
You love him too much
And that means he is going to leave
And he will look at you and see
That you have his heart
And your heart
But it will be too late for him to
Have kept yours
And it will be too late for you to keep his.

And suddenly
It will be Saturday night
And he will still be yours
But it will feel like he's
Gone
And you will pull the thread

Of soft grey.
To 2016:
I'd love to say that I hated you, but to be honest, you made me grow.
You gave me direction. You pulled me out of a 4 month long rock bottom depression, showed me what I wanted to do in my life and sent me on my way.
You gave me two semesters of college, and a decision.
You gave me my first teaching experience, and you taught me the true value of patience.
You brought some new friends into my life and reunited me with old ones. You also got rid of a few, but I trust that's for the best.
You explained to me how easily I can be used.
You showed me that relationships don't define me, and that even if I think I am in love, life goes on and that I am an independent woman.
You blessed me with a baby, and then you took it away. But within that you gave me hope.
You sent me through hookups, drunken texts, hospital trips, gallons of tears and two D&Cs.;
You helped me on my wavering journey in my walk with God. You led me to being Baptized and you gave me the one chance in my life to feel that I was my family's priority.  
You taught me that it's okay to not always have the answer to everything, including the question of "who are you?".
You taught me to accept the word queer and make it my own. Like a beautiful pair of glasses, this is how I see the world.
You taught me the value of family after my dads accident, and then again after the baby.
And even after all the drama, fights, murders, and injustices, 2016, you taught me that a bad year isn't always a bad as we make it seem, and that even on our darkest days, there is a lesson to be learned.
And to 2016: Thank you.
no where
no way
it is antithesis
to what I set out
believing
that heart
and feelings
overcame
the rude
scholars
the intelligence
My Christmas has already been the best .
For each of you in my life is a present from Christ.'
Love you all.
I am stepping out into Faith in you Jesus.
I see all of my pain, hurt, struggles, and sorrows.
All I seek is for you to heal them within me.
So all shall see your Miracles within me daily.
I am so desperately seeking you to use me.
To reveal yourself to everyone within my path.
So many beautiful friends of mine struggling.
People that been there for me whom I love.
With your Love my Awesome Savior God.
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