I write for me, not for you.
You might not know it, but I have feelings too.
Thoughts go through my head.
They would scare you to death.
My words are a mess, because I don't know who I am.
They tell me to be one thing, when I'm really not.
So I write and stay hidden behind the words.

I hurt you, and for that I'm truly sorry. I lead you on when I knew I shouldn't have. I acted like I was better than you knowing that you and I are equals.
No, I am not better than you.
But yes, it is wrong to assume before hand that I was being like everyone else.
So, if you ever get the chance to read this, please forgive me for my faults. But, also, understand yours.
I am not perfect. Not even a bit close. But I was not the only one in the wring in the situation.
I'm sorry for my wrongs, and I hope, even if you don't say so, that you are sorry for yours.

sometimes I close my eyes and dream of a world where I made all the right decisions. a world where I was smart. and beautiful. and loved. where U wouldn't hate everybody because of the hate I have for myself. where my dad actually cared. where my mom didn't cry wishing she had more because I'll never be enough. a world where my family actually cared and didn't dislike me at all. where U wouldn't have to keep secrets from my friends. a place where I have someone who loves me and I love. a perfect little place, with a perfect little life, where I was perfect.
but then I open my eyes and the dream goes away and I am faced with reality. a reality where all my fantasies have become the opposite.

you knew
you always knew
when not a single soul knew, you did
i never had to tell you
you just knew
and now
no one knows
they don't know who i am
they don't know that i am not me
i am not venus
it's all just a facade
but there's something i'll always be
tu niña con pelos de muñeca

No, I don't want to "talk".
I want to be able to see you, face to face, and be able to see your real expressions when I speak instead of having to guess from the emoticons you send.
I want us to go out to be real and actually hang out, to have fun, to take pictures that have an amazing background story I can remember when I later look at.
I want to argue and cry and laugh and shout and read books and eat together.
I want a real relationship where not everyone in the world has to know that we're together.
Just us two.
Faithful and commited to something real where we're not just toying with each other's emotions.

You might be here,
but I don't feel it.
Try to make it feel better.
I need and want your presence near me.
And you might try.
But the feelings don't change.

"boys will be boys"
no.
"boys will be held accountable for their actions"
yes.
"girls wear pink"
no.
"girls can wear whatever color they feel like wearing"
yes.
"people should be taught to be true to themselves"
absolutely.

We used to play footsies back in the third grade under our desk while the teacher talked about division and words we would never use like "nonchalant" and "prosperity"
We would lay in the benches together during recess and look at the clouds move when we were supposed to be playing handball
We would run off to the library to help put away books to get away from everybody
You were there when I first developed my love for books and the beauty of poetry
I would help you with your homework because I was better at math than you even though I never paid attention, and you probably only pretended to need help
We would share my snacks because sometimes you didn't have any
You were there when I lost 30 pounds because my mom was so obsessed with me being the perfect little girl she dreamed of
You were there when I first started developing my bulimia, even though you didn't know it was even going on You sometimes hung out with your other friends and you would ask me to tag along because you didn't want me to be alone
You didn't come from a good family and you had many problems
You started to disappear bit by bit and I started making up excuses saying I was helping the nurse or reading in the library and didn't even notice your lack of absence
You weren't there on the last day of school and I'm sure I'm the only one that noticed your absence
But you came back a couple of months later and acted like you didn't know me
And soon again you were gone
But I still have the memory of you in my mind, and I think of you sometimes
And even though you wouldn't recognize me if you saw me again, I know for a fact that I could recognize you from a mile away

People don't think of it as a problem.
Because I never knew him.
But somehow this is one of the biggest.....the worst..problems.
I may have never met him.
Yet he has one of the greatest impacts in my life.
Since..before day 1, he declined me.
He never even accepted my existence.
And here I am.
Suffering through it.
Suffering from the pain brought into my life since before it was official.
And yet I can't....I won't...will never let anyone know what I feel.
And how is it that these obvious and painful feelings are so, so easy to hide behind a fake smile, fake laugh, and fake feelings.
Such bad acting that people can't notice how fake....stupid....idiotic...and just plain out hurt I feel.
And no.
This isn't a poem.
Nor is it a suicide letter.
This is me expressing my feelings to you...who I don't even know.
Because you don't know me.
And maybe you do.....
But you wouldn't even realize how I feel, and what really goes in in my head.

falling
down
a Hole
so
dEep
it
aLmost
feels
perPetual

is it too much to ask for one day?
i mean one, just one day.
a day where i can be happy and not have to worry about other things.
all i'm asking for is one day.
a day where i can truly be happy and celebrate and not have to listen to people's stupid comments about my choices in life.
where i don't have to live up to people's expectations and people will actually keep their promises.
******* it, is it that much?

Oh the love. The love I feel for you. It's unlike any love that you will ever come to know. It's as pure as a newborn. As vast as the unknown. For my love for you will never be worn out.
Yet. I don't know who you are. Why you only exist in my dreams. And when I wake up I search and cry. For the love of my life is not by my side.

listen to this loud silence
wipe my hidden tears
notice when my smile is fake
when I want to cry, but I can't because the tears will make it hurt even more
notice my reality and the abundance of tears that no one has ever realized I own
how I'm breaking inside
little by little it's just getting worse
and how I'm scared for the worst

I miss the old days when I was naive sand stupid and everything was much more simple
It was all up to my imagination and I didn't have to make decisions that would determine my future
And those stupid legos that I would spend hours playing
What I would give to have those days back

Love.
Such an intense feeling.
Such deep affection.
So deeply romantic.
The ****** attachment.
The pleasure.
But is it wrong to fear?
To hide from such feeling.
Have you noticed the pain it brings?
Oh, how it hurts.
How it breaks you.
But it is intriguing....
That I just might try to love something.

p l e a s e
l i f t
e v e r y  o u n c e  o f
a n g e r  a n d
s a l v a g e
e v e r y  f i b r e

Maybe this is not for you, but maybe it is. So, whether this is for you or not, just know, people are never what they seem. In paper I am who I really am. Venus. But if you saw me in person you wouldn't spare me a second glance. So, next time you meet someone, get to know them. For all you know, that is the person you will marry and spend the rest of your life with. Or maybe this person has suffered enough to suffice three lifetimes, and you will be the one to make a difference in their life.
So, please, don't be ******* and be nice to other human beings. After all, they are just humans trying to get by.

question your sanity
as often as you question your insanity
for everyone is sane
as well as insane
for all those who are sane are just a wee bit insane
and all those who are insane are also sane.
and this way
maybe
just
maybe
you wont go insane

have you ever wanted to shed off your own skin and start everything all over again?
or even start your whole life all over again with the memory of the choices you made and the consequences they brought so you could fix everything that would go wrong?
no? oh. well I have.

look at me
just do it
you see what you want to see
you hear what you want to hear
there is so much more that I never really hid
it's so obvious
but you don't see
you don't see what I want you to see
what I really want you to see
open your eyes
open your mind
and see me

the loud silence kept within someone will **** them from the inside out. it will devour their soul, and take away their sanity. they will go crazy.
so help someone. really pay attention and notice the loud silence that is kept within.
you will save a life and maybe even your conscience.

why did you lie?
you said you were fine. that you were getting better. you said you just needed time.
and now. all i have left are these memories. i'll never have actual closure.
i'll have to live with the painful reminder that we never actually said goodbye.
you got my hopes up. you got me thinking there would be a next time.
there was not. there will never be. there just can't be.
did you do it on purpose? or were you being optimistic?
it doesn't even matter anymore. it's too late. you're gone.
-a grieving daughter

i remember she used to always tell me, it's okay to cry.
she gave me that look that said everything. as if she was silently telling me than it was okay to not be okay, to be broken, to be absolutely destroyed.
i'll always remember that side hug and proud look. the hand squeeze and happy tone in her voice when she boasted about me.
i'll remember everything now that you're gone.

You wouldn't understand the struggle. Because as much as you try to hide it, you don't care. You don't know what I'm going through, and how stupidly hard it is to have all of this weight on my shoulders. And how all you do is add unnecessary weight. You wouldn't be capable of comprehending what goes through my mind. The suicidal thoughts, the obsessive compulsiveness of my actions, the need to harm myself, the hate for the skin I live in, the need to throw up after stuffing myself full, the incapability of just being normal. No. You wouldn't understand what it's like to have to deal with you. And as hard as I try to get away from you. You find me and destroy all the walls that I've built up and break me down even more. The words you say. Laced in hate and disappointment. Am I just not good enough? Mom? Just please tell why I can't do anything right. And why all I feel toward you is pity. Pity for the sad excuse of a mother you are. Because even when you're there, you are not. And honestly, J like it better when you casted me away and didn't give a ****.

I sometimes wonder who will be at my funeral, who really cares about me even after I die, who will be next to me when release my last breathe and my heart beats for the last time.
Will I find live by then? Will I have accomplished something important by then? Will I have changed somebody's life in a good way?

I have vices
Oh baby you know I do
But don’t judge
For I know you have vices too
And I don’t judge you