Sunflowers are nice for me
because I love bright yellow things

       But.

The center of a sunflower is always dark.
The deeper you go
the darkness will grow

And when you'll reach the dead center


             oh you will know.

you asked to read one of my poems tonight
and i watched you as your eyes floated over my words
i tried so hard to read your expression and failed
but no matter what
i was so proud of what i had written
and i was so proud that you wanted to read it at all
you asked me when i had written it and and you seemed shocked when i said
"this morning"
you put your hand in mine and kissed my shoulder
you were proud of me
you didn't have to say anything i could tell
i could tell
i let you read one of my poems tonight
and i know it's only a matter of time
until you are reading this one too

did you know that recently, i find it hard to pick up a pen and write about anything other than you. that i find your name sprinkled throughout every poem my mind creates. that i want to so badly read my poetry to you, but it's hard enough to put it on paper, it will be so hard to show it to you. so when you asked me if any of my poems are about you, i wanted to laugh. because every poem is about you.
every line
every comma
every space
because how could i write about anything else.
when i could write about you.

will you forgive me
for all the terrible things i've said
for all of the mistakes i have yet to correct
for all the times i thought i wasn't good enough
for every tear that has fallen for someone that has not deserved it
for every time i wrote a poem and didn't tell the whole truth
for every opportunity i've said no to
for every time i didn't respect myself as much as i should have
for every person i have disappointed

i will.

i will forgive myself
for all the terrible things i've said
for all of the mistakes i have yet to correct
for all the times i thought i wasn't good enough
i will forgive myself
for every tear that has fallen for someone that has not deserved it
for every time i wrote a poem and didn't tell the whole truth
for every opportunity i've said no to
for every time i didn't respect myself as much as i should have
for every person i have disappointed
i will forgive myself
and
i will forgive myself for ever even thinking that i would not

sometimes
I wish I wasn’t nice to him
even though
I know that was the best way to handle it
even though
he ended up apologizing
even though
it would have hurt so much more to be rude
I still sometimes wish
that I wasn’t nice to him
because i’m afraid that maybe he took my niceness as an invitation
maybe he took it as a welcome mat in front of a brand new house
and maybe because I was nice to him he thinks what he did was okay
and maybe because of me he will do this to someone else
because maybe I didn’t make his life hellish enough
but trust me when I say that if I made his life hell
it would only have made my life worse too
because every time I said his name
he would say mine twice
and I was tired of my name getting swarmed up in the monster that was his lips
because I had already had enough
but sometimes I still wish that I dragged him through the dirt
and made him feel how deep the imaginary scars in my chest stung
and let him know that he was so lucky that I was so nice to him
because I really did have the power to snap him in half
but I didn’t want anyone to feel the pain I was feeling
not even him
so I was nice to him

he told his mom about me
and it just made me appreciate him even more than i already did
to know that someone is proud to have me
is a feeling that i am not yet used to
to know that there is no fear in his mind
when he reaches for my hand in public
because he wants to hold it
and he doesn't care what people think
and i just feel good
because i feel lucky to be with someone
who wanted to tell their mom about me