what if i fall in love with you
i'm so scared that i might fall in love with you
and i've tried not to write this poem for so long
because i feel silly for even thinking about loving you
because it hasn't been that long
because what would people say
and maybe i will fall in love with you
and that thought is so beautiful and scary at the same time
because i really want you to fall in love with me
because if i'm being completely honest
it would be a pleasure to be loved by you

now that i have something good
will i still have something to write about
because it's easier to write about tragedy and pain
because you can't really push those things away
you can try
but sometimes hurt stays around a lot longer than happy does
but i want to be able to write about this
but sometimes it's hard
because i have to dig really deep to find the words
which scares me
because why do i need to look so hard for something
that makes me feel
so good
because it's so easy to write about being hurt
and i can't wait for the day that it becomes easier
to write about something happy

i've never been
and never want to be
the type of person
who doesn't want to get their hair wet
you'll find me diving head first into the water
not afraid of the damage my splash creates
just think about all the things i'd miss
if i sat beside the water
and watched
i won't experience anything
if my hair stays dry

i'm sorry that i keep talking about how lucky i feel
but if i am being completely honest
i'm just trying to soak it all in while i can
because i cannot control the fear in the back of my mind
that is telling me this has to be too good to be true
because it terrifies me everyday that i like you as much as i do
because i don't want to be hurt again
because losing you would probably hurt the most
because for once in my life i feel like i deserve this
and i feel like i deserve you
and because i do feel lucky
and i'm sorry that i feel like i have to apologize for that

someone asked me about you today
and for the first time
i didn't want to talk about you
not because it hurt
or because it brought up old feelings
or because i miss you
but because for the first time
i felt like i had better things to be talking about
and you were not one of those things

"i want to go slow"
is one of the first things i said to him
and he didn't hesitate when he responded with
"i do too"
and that made me smile
but it's when his actions matched his words that made me feel safe
when he just kissed me because he wanted to
not because he was reaching for something else instead
because i was what he wanted
and everything else was just a plus

i'm so scared
because he might treat me really well
i'm so scared because i think he might kiss me
and i think i might want him to
but i'm not supposed to want to kiss my friends
so what will happen if he kisses me
i don't want to be hurt again
and everyone says he won't hurt me
but what if he does
they don't know
they don't know how it feels
to be so scared that this might hurt me so bad
he makes me nervous and i've yet to recognize if that is a good thing or a bad thing
i'm not sure what i'm supposed to say to him
because i don't want to be another girl
i want something
and this would be a lot ******* easier if i knew what that something was
i think in the back of my mind i know what i want
but i am too terrified to say it out loud
because that makes it real
and real is scary
this is really scary, all of it
but
i still want him to kiss me