someone layed a blank book
in front of me, asking
What would the title be?

I looked as blank as those pages
I don't know the answer
I'm not a blank book
I have history, behind a story
but what are the chances
my story has already been told
in another's voice
What if there is another out there
that has made the same choice?
Stories are not unique
there is a chance we are already written
I'd take that blank book
and scribbled my name only
because I've read the stories
of my own life in the sound bites
of snatches of beleaguered songs
I'm not a blank book, looking
for a title
I'm where my blank pages
belong

stupid Smart phone
just deleted
one of my poems

ahhh ****

Did I have back up?

Nup

Just remember it titled

ahhh ****!

a popular wording
of how I was feeling
unable reproduce it
word for word

how absurd!
I wanted to read it
Hit delete
It said are you sure?
I said ok

and it went away :(

*ahhh ****!

did you realize on that night
in July, when the chill breeze
bit into the skin of my broken
feet, that I was standing alone
as you walked down the street
with no backward look, you took
my dignity, my pride, my heart
from my side and left me staring
down at bloodied feet, the ones
that chased you across broken glass
to crimson coat ice blades of grass
the cold, so cathartic to my feet took
a while to reach my soul but I didn't
die of frostbite, that night, but it did
take me a season to thaw out whole

She's mine to have
mine to hold,
mine to love
until I'm old
He held her hips
beneath his palms
grinning wickedly
with his charm
he pinned her down
with  a whispered
Be still
anticipating the thrill
of loving the ever after
out of the fiery flame
that set alight his body
**she who honoured his name

I once sewed into your pocket
all the hopes and dreams
I wanted one day, for you
inside of those seams
were wishes
for your happiness
hopes for a better future
and a line of text
that can only be read
as you put hand in pocket
and pull it inside out
and it said
remember this empty pocket
it was once full of hope
pulled from the warmth
of a jacket, it represents
the slippery *****
of coldness
that you once shivered beneath

inside the empty pocket
of the warmth of this coat
is all the love I hope you'll keep

sat alone, beside a lake
neither would ever mistake
each other, for their love
two sisters, bound by blood

They sat upon common ground
neither tried to make a sound
Two sisters by a lake
what a montumental mistake

Two sisters sat upon higher ground
Each knew, the other should drown
but they held hands, so tightly
Never taking their vows lightly

Two sisters turned their heads, as one
to glare indignantly at the Sun
because they were unhappy
that the darkest Night
crept away and left the fight

Two sisters sit upon the edge
of water, rushing beneath a ledge
and kissed each others frights and hurts
because just the thought of sitting alone
*Hurts

Ten thousand exhalations permeate
every corner of a room that is filled
with only thirteen people
an unlucky number for some

once upon a time the skirt was
looser
once upon a time the fangs were
shorter
once upon a time the prey was
easier
but no one ever gets younger...

I don't want to be Thirteen

I want to be one half of the dozen
that found their dream, and I've
been waiting
a really long time

So our conversation goes
breathy sigh
Would you like a drink?
a frown, what do you think
I like long walks on the beach
I really hate sand, and the heat...
I believe in fate and destiny
a scowl, what's in it for me?
I'm scared of the dark and of
being alone
I'm one half of nothing, do you
have a number I can phone?
I can go one better, I have a place
that I call my own
contemplating true facts such as
we are both on the wrong side of
ever being young again
Well, all the right words have been said,
*Shall we begin?

uncurling, a yawn
wandering back from the black
unfurled toward dawn

breeze is dependent
on just a single breath drawn
negating oaths sworn

to lie in darkness
yet not let light become us
dark death leaves us torn

Just a twinkle in the night sky
A yearning to be someone
A sparkle in the darkest night
Your journey has just begun

Peanut…
Longing to grow into your long held dream
but at just little more than heart and soul
your sudden appearance holds me in thrall

Tadpole…
Swimming in a safe haven
developing on the wings of dreams
you start to understand what it all means

Little Human…
Longing for the world of open spaces
waiting to arrive, you see, you hear, you feel
to bring a touch to a life you can heal

Miracle…
A breath, a cry, held tight against warm skin
bursting into life with little fanfare
all your senses become aware

A shock of hair, a cupid smile
a perfect name to suit
an amazing gift from the Tree of Life
my precious Belly Fruit

© Helen Doogan 09/09/2010

when Life gives us lemons
we make lemonade*  (1)
when Life shoots us with arrows
we bleed from the wounds
it made
when Life is just a rainstorm
and we discover
a Rainbow
It's like Life
is trying to tell us
which way we need to go...

you stood beside the closed door, hand outstretched, ready to turn it but, I'm the only one who noticed
her perfume that lingered, lipstick
stains upon your fingers and hair
that I once ran my fingers through
but true, you stood there silently
head bowed, eyes lowered,  
shoulders held so very proud
and you owned it! You owned
every second of the last dance
and as you pulled away from my
embrace you stopped, tilted you
head and said,
I never wanted
anything less more, than to walk
out this door
I laid my hand over your fingers that continued to grasp the door and kissed lips that I've kissed a thousand times or more
and tasted only your regret, wondered if what I had to say was topical or simply emotional and I asked you the most important question I had left inside, a dire need to be said
Don't forget... A ******* thing

I twisted the **** until the door opened wide, put my foot on your **** and kicked with everything I had left inside
I saw you tumble, I watched you fall,
I photographed into my memory
the instant you realised
*you had it all

Across all space and time
Left in silent suspension
From dawning age to endless night
And a never ending comprehension

Wrapped around entire emotions
Holding all in a soft embrace
There is no day there is no night
An entire life in a blank space

The smoldering look, the tiny smile
The gentle sigh upon the breeze
The lingering touch, a strong hand
That holds the world at ease

The yearning for a day in the past
To right all that should not be lost
It tightens to bind and remind, it is
A line that could not be crossed

A shield from the crushing weight
Of a pain that can not be shared
A safe haven in a stormy sea
A cocoon for the ill prepared

Of a burning love, or a missing life
Of a gentle word from a perfect friend
Of a millennium of worth that also found
Where it does begin, it shall also end

Death sits in
the front row
a smug smile
upon his face
He now wields
all the power
He’s comfortable
in this place
Regret is sitting
behind him
lamenting all things
left unsaid
Hurt is sitting right beside
lamenting the fact
you can’t ****
what is already
Dead
Love is shattering
in the middle
Hope gently touches
her shoulder
Fear is staring at her
bowed head
but Afterthought will
Shield her as she
grows older
Anger is radiating as
Fury comes in
a little slow
wondering about a future
as Despair basks
in her glow
Hate is standing
forlornly
just outside the door
now this one
is gone
He is needed
no more

but, in my defence
I'm thinking,
give me a 4 day weekend
and a fridge
full of Wine
and I'll forget
a lot of things :)

she's got a fistful of nothing
with a body full of tattoos

she's got plenty dreams
within empty smiles
and a life
that goes on an and on
for miles and miles

she's got pockets full of regret
in her threadbare veneer
a small smile of regret
beneath her trademark sneer
she's never forget
the tumultuous path
leaving her broken,
but at last
a new cobblestoned walkway
opened beneath her dainty feet
all sins remain unspoken

she's got glitter in her eyelashes
and diamonds on her cheeks
she's got ashes in her mouth
producing siren notes
as she speaks
she's got a lump of coal
in her stocking
and rocks in her shoes
she's got nothing you'd see
she's got nothing to lose

She sat with her back against the wall
    her legs curled to her chest, as tight
as a ball, with her head between her knees
     as she whispered Thank You and Please
She laid with her hand beneath her head
without a pillow and a knife under the bed
and a willingness to **** not just for her body
                                                   but for her soul.
                                   That's just how she rolled.
                 She kissed, just not on the lips.
                              She wanted to quench
                                       but took just sips
                                       and purged it all
              from her mind before she woke
                 so no memories had a chance
                                 to enhance or evoke.
She found that not everyone
                  wanted a piece of her
          that she wasn't willing to give.
Once she decided it was better
    to live, with the tiny part
of her that she couldn't let go.
It was found beneath the snow
that melted from her tattered mind
     buried beneath the weight
      of another life left behind
that tried to negate
most of her feelings
                         and all of her power.
She picked herself up from the alley
                 and stood out in a shower
                                  of rain
             that poured down her body
                      to reawaken her heart.
       She waited for clarity to depart
               but only an awareness
                     was left behind.
                She didn't see the rain,
          only teardrops from sunshine.

Some sit quietly
Some cry softly
Some unintelligently
scream their Whys?
Some lie
Some smile slightly
Some nod politely
Some even throw themselves
into the dark hole,
clutching the Rose
that wouldn't fall
from their fist
Some blow a kiss
give a wink
a smirk
Some just throw dirt

all but the question I asked

how does one say goodbye?

I left a letter on my bedside table
Sealed with just your name
a second draft in my journal
is basically the same
A hidden message in the stars
is waiting on a sigh
When I go, you'll know
but I've already said Goodbye

There was only silence and a gentle breeze that caressed my hair and the slightly insubstantial ghostly figure that followed me but never tried to talk to me but just followed and looked, with a stare...

It was cold, it was dark in the middle of the day as the sun beat down through the thick trees and chased the shadows away while I traveled down the cracked and broken path and passed old Mrs Wilson 1827 ~ 1868 (almost ancient in those days)
It was Mr Wilson's heartbreak in the words of How Do I Live Without You? carved in stone that told me I was almost there

There you were, under the weeping willow tree.
I wasn’t sure how prophetic it was and I could never be sure if it wept for you, or for me.
The ground was brittle beneath my leaden feet but it never disguised each and every heart beat. It grew green beneath my head as I lay down and slowly wept my daily tears that seemed to be fed straight into the ground.

I always noticed the gray of the stones, the black of the night, the brown of the leaves and it always felt right.
I scented the death mixed with the hope of the lives left behind and I always noted the inexplicable sorrow of words carved in stone that were written to remind...

But I never once before noticed the butterflies

Today I did because they were everywhere.
They sat upon stone monuments that breathed in with sorrow and the butterflies seemed to care. They flitted inside the darkness to light the path home and glittered in the dappled sunlight that spilled between the branches and sparked happiness while they did idyllically roam.

It was the one that landed on my cheek as I stared into nothing and got it’s tiny feet trapped in my river of sorrow and sat quietly, eyes focused on mine, it’s emerald wings beating slowly back and forth and reminded me of a churning tide that would undulate with all of my tomorrow then sat still and watched me with a calmness that took my breath away and whispered inside my head...

Why do you live in yesterday?

I’m sorry my memories of you keep me tied to the past
and I feel the need to want to hold onto you
to make you more real and make more of everything last
I get it now and I promise I will try...

*Thank you for the butterfly...

Many moons ago
In a simpler time
They danced in this ballroom
To music sublime
Stepping out in their finest
Dipping and swaying
Longing and touching to
The sweetest music playing
Lost in each others eyes
As they moved as one
Two halves of one soul
Since time had begun
But now the music is fading
And she’s turning to mist
Time is returning
This dance was on his list
Alone in the ballroom
Lost in the romance
The lonely old widower
Has his last dance

24/07/2010

I didn't see it there!

the kitchen chair

You hit me in the living room

where there was so much space

a solid lounge

a coffee table made from oak

a television cabinet

protecting life's assets

but you hurled me

into the kitchen

with just one stroke

and I rolled laughing

until I hit the chair

that splintered fine pieces

of rough hewn stakes

into the air

that fell around me

like a cage

I didn't want to escape

but when a spine is broken

the only sound to make

is

a

sigh

It was a nice day to die

Yesterday my sister visited me
and remarked on the dozen
blood red roses in a vase and said
how lucky I was to have someone to bring me flowers
I didn't dare tell her they were an apology, I didn't dare tell her they represented the blood I bleed,
I didn't dare tell her she could have them because if he came home and saw them missing...
He'd know someone came to visit
and the tones of the tune would be bass deep and in the end only I would weep to a song that would never end
and the roses would die inside the vase
while I quietly hid my face
Then the daisies would arrive
and once again my sister would visit
only to see fresh flowers in a vase
and sigh in heartfelt delight
but she'll never know, that the flowers
that continue to show up in the vase
represent my fear of the coming night.

You laughed at me
Just the other day
When I held you tight
And said I’m glad you stayed
You shook your head at me
And said with a smile
Where on earth would I want to be?
I’ll be here a while

But I never thought
It would be like this
As the waves rolled out
To a darkening mist
You promised me
You’d be here a while
Now all that I’m left with
Is the memory of a smile

I promised we would wed
There would be no other
You smiled at me and said
Why would we bother?
It’s a bond of Man
What we have is fate
Let’s seize it now
For we could be too late

But I never thought
It would be like this
As the waves rolled out
To a darkening mist
You promised me
You’d be here a while
Now all that I’m left with
Is the memory of a smile

We faced a lifetime
Hand in Hand
Our life was precious
But we didn’t understand
We lived forever
In a few heartbeats of time
I said goodbye to the waves
Knowing you’ll always be mine

*But I never thought
It would be like this
As the waves rolled out
To a darkening mist
You promised me
You’d  be here a while
Now all that I’m left with
Is the memory of a smile

The best we can do
is simply to remain true
To Ourselves, to Others
To our fathers and mothers

The best we can do

is to look into a mirror
reflections are hard to face
petty hatreds are like wrinkles
they have their own story place

the best we can do

and this last is so true
Is to be one person among so many
because if we try too hard to be another
then we truly are not any....