I could write
A whole ******* book
About how I feel
When you look at me

The want
The love
The utter admiration
It's just like something
Out of a story.

Our story.
Our beautiful little story
Of how we went from strangers
To flirting
To this beautiful relationship I call home.

I never get tired of hearing it.
I never get tired of being in it.
Because you're everything.
You're my laughter on the ******* of days
My comfort when the sky is turned to gray
My warm embrace and shelter from the rest of the world.
All the jokes, and smiles, and cuddles and kisses and beautiful words... all a great reminder that you are my home.

And when things are hard
I know they'll get better.
Because we communicate.
Because you talk to me.
Because above all else you want to be with me just as much as I want to be with you.
Because I love you
And you love me.

Sometimes I feel like this isn't real
Because it's too good to be true.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough
Because you're so great.
Sometimes I feel like I'll wake up and you will have been a dream.
A beautiful beautiful dream.

But you're my dream.
And even if I wake up tomorrow
And it was all in my head
At least I'll always know
That maybe you're out there
Somewhere
Waiting for me
As I have been dreaming of you.

Because you're my home.
And you're my boo.
And I don't want to be
With anyone else
But you.

My body is
Increasingly becoming sick
It's becoming disgusting
With all the harmful things
That I allow to
Pass through my lips.
I'm always tired
I do little exercise
I feel always out of breath
I almost never drink water
I am lousy with unhealthiness.
I hate food.
I hate what it does to me
I hate how it makes me feel.
But most of all
I hate that I am
So hopelessly addicted.
Even when I'm full
I seek snacks
To fill my emptiness.
To comfort my brokenness
To cease the pain.
My journey of the road to recovery
Will be long
And painful
And fraught with trying to make amends
For the horrible things I have done to my body.
To fix what is broken
To try and find something else
To fill the void.
To make the headaches
And the ****** feelings disappear.

Let me tell you
About the man I've been dating
He's gentle
He's sweet
He's kind
He learned exactly
How I like my blankets
For when he tucks me in
And he kisses my forehead
When he leaves.
The man
That I've been dating
Isn't afraid to touch me
When we're out in public
He has no problem
Holding my hand
Or locking me in an embrace
Or kissing me despite strangers
Being around.
The man
That I've been dating
Always gives me
The most understanding look
When I'm talking
About a bad day
Or when I'm telling him
About my traumatic past
Or even when
We're discussing random topics.
The man
That I've been dating
Went out of his way
To bring me syrup
When I ran out for my waffles.
The man
That I've been dating
Has cried
Trying to get me
To see how beautiful I am
Because he so strongly believes it.
The man
That I've been dating
Has the most amazing laugh
And my world gets a little brighter
When he's in it
And he makes me feel
Like I'm enough for him
He sometimes even
Makes me feel
Like I'm too good for him...
Something that
I'm not used to.

The man
That I've been dating
Gives me movie kisses
And the most perfect hugs
Like our bodies fit together
And were made for one another

I never knew
Any relationship
Could be like this
Until I met
The man
That I've been dating

My life is alot different now
Without you
I can go weeks and months
Without even thinking of you
And when I do
It's all pain
The horrible truth of what you did
Pain all the same
And even that
Is getting less and less
Because I have someone new
And because I'm better without you.
I never needed you
To be happy
I never needed you
To love my self
Of course there's plenty of blame
To go around
But I'm not the one that cheated
I'm not the one that didn't care
One day I'll wake up
With my Love's arms around me
And you'll be nothing
But a painful memory.
A time where I
Naive and gullible
Thought you loved me
Thought you cared
But I was just ensnared.
A prisoner to your whim
A slave to your needs
You got what you wanted
And I got to leave.

But now my boo
He holds my heart
He always makes me laugh
And says sorry when he farts
He loves to cuddle
And he loves to kiss
Being with him
Has been such bliss.
He listens to me
And helps me fix my problems
It's always an adventure with him
And no one can top him.

In a way
I'm glad you happened
I'm glad you came into my life
And I'm glad you left it
You helped me see
What a relationship shouldn't be
And my only regret
Is that it took me so long to realize it.
You couldn't have been
A more perfect teacher
And this is the last I'm writing about you
Because you aren't worth my time
Not worth my words
And not worth my energy.

He used to make me happy
On rainy days i still feel comfortable in his arms
I like waking up with his arms wrapped around me
And his breath at my ear
I still enjoy the sound of his voice
Mindlessly talking about stuff i don't care about.
But something has changed.
Maybe its our understanding that this is a dead end relationship
Maybe its that its too late for him to try and make things better.
He's just salting the wounds even more.
Making it worse.
But he's trying.
I'm just not happy.
I'm not happy with the guy that told me i wasn't good enough
I'm not happy with the guy that told me he was ashamed to be with me.
You never forget the first time that someone who looked at you like you were the most beautiful woman on earth told you you should lose weight to look better.
I wish i could forget that you left me before for someone else.
And i wish that you never told me that you didn't want to let yourself fall in love with me because you didn't want to be stuck because you felt like you could do better.
I wish i could start fresh.
With a new perspective of you.
I wish that you would stop ******* up.
And making me unhappy.
I really ******* wish i could walk away
But i need you.
I need you to do my taxes
I need you to take me to the dmv so i can get my license.
I need you to help me be an adult.
And i need you to make me feel like a woman when you make love to me.
I don't want to lose the home i have in your arms.
And the comfortable gaze i hold in your eyes.
I don't want to lose the breath in my ears
And i don't want to stop waking up in your arms.
I just don't know if i can walk away right now.

He drove me to his house
Kissed me on to his bed
And it was there
In the light of his computer
He looked into my eyes
The sincerest of smiles from the most content parts of his heart on his face
And he said it.
3 words... 8 letters...
"I love you"
Shocked by the turn of events
Because he had never said it first.
By general rule i always said it first
I kissed him.
Until i realized that this was exactly what i wanted.
Him.
His love.
Always.
So I broke the kiss to say it back.
"I love you too"
And we kissed.
But there was something new.
A wetness to it.
He broke the kiss and buried his face in my neck.
And he cried.
Because of so much stuff that i had yet to learn.
So much stuff that i wanted to learn but never wanted to push about.
And so much stuff that i could maybe never understand.
I didn't know.
I didn't know what to do.
Just hold him as he cried.
Until he looked up at me and said it again.
He said they weren't sad tears.
And it was from that moment that i knew it was something much deeper.
Something i wish on no one
Especially the love of my life.
Something I'm afraid to ask him
Because its one thing i want him never to relive...
Because I love him
Because without him i would not be here.
So we laid there for awhile
Till he got up and laid next to me instead of on me.
Tears streamed from his eyes
Till I blew on his neck, in what he calls elephant kisses, and started to laugh.
Because i will always be there to pick him up
When he can't pick himself up....

He's always there
I have no privacy.
My life is full of him
I'm never alone anymore
I cry from the headaches it gives me.
But losing him would be worse
I love him more then privacy.
I love him more than anything
What I don't get
Is why he loves me.
I look through his phone
I grab his ***
I always look ugly but he tells me I'm beautiful.
I'm a mess
And he loves me.
Maybe it's because I'm always there for him.
Maybe it's because when he's going through hard times
I always make sure he's taken care of.
I love him
And he loves me just the same.
And if we don't end up together
It'll be a waste of an amazing relationship
And years of my life
But i will never regret the effort
The love
The affection
The time
The money
And the care
That i gave him.
No...
That will never be a waste.