Every time I sit down
to maybe write a poem
it wears me down
I start the day off
full of last night's dreams
and draw them out
one by one
but each one
takes a little something with it
a little part of me
as I shrivel up
an emaciated shell
exhausted
there is nothing left
I crawl into bed
to be replenished
in my sleep

so you've graduated high school
you got into that university you wanted
or maybe the one you didn't
still,
you're going somewhere in the fall
then you'll live the easy life for four or so years
gain some weight
lose it
change your fashion sense
discover who you are
all the while
you'll be doing dumb ****
making friends
losing friends
and even learning a few things along the way
then you graduate again
hooray for you
what's next?
a job?
a year of looking?
you could always go back for your masters
you know with the dilution of a BA/BS degree today
you'll probably need it
if you don't want to flip burgers
so now it's been 6 or 7 years
just in higher education
more like a decade
if you pursue that pesky PHD
so you can make the big bucks
then what?
pick up a nice girl somewhere
you'll both grow together
fall in what you think is love
compromise after compromise
for some romantic ideal
which you chase but never catch fully
maybe the poor broad
will churn out a couple of kids for you
a son to carry on your name
a daughter to protect
and they become teenagers
and you're old now
you don't understand them
and they resent you
and all of those dollars
you worked so hard for
disappear
like there's a hole in your back pocket
and then the kids go to college
just like you did
and you and the missus have to fight
to act like you aren't dead in the water
and then one morning
you wake up
your skin hangs off of you
in all the wrong places
it looks like you are wearing a costume
which doesn't fit
and you get winded walking up the stairs
to your study
where you sit and drink the night away
before you crawl back in bed with the shack job
where even the slightest touch
is no longer tantalizing,
but irritating
you wake up and realize
you did everything expected of you
you wake up and realize
you did it all wrong

If you only ever get a glance at one shot at fiery heaven laughter
don't just sit there on your *** thinking now isn't the right time
time is relative so all you have is now
right now
so crack a naysayer in their pearly yellows
because walking around zombified through fields of green and seas of brown
is only one razor blade away from suicide
and I don't want to be insensitive
(yes I do)
but if you walk along the easy road you'll find only cowards
get the hell up
put some ******* pace in your step
drink a gallon of gasoline,
eat a match,
and explode
it's the only way they'll ever see you

She didn't know what
What she was working towards
A mad men situation
Drunk chicks with drunk feelings
And a wholly drunk
Situation
We all
Fall in
Love with
Everything extra

Take in a few more gulps
swallowing your pride
the only time this world makes any sense
is when the room is spinning
poor little baby bird
fell out of the nest all too soon
the ground is hard with tall grass
where predators lurk
listen up, kid
you need to learn to aim true
find ways to smile through pain
and yeah, it's okay to cry
just leave the door to your heart open a crack
do not forget to stand tall
the night sky is resting in your palms
each star a cosmic reflection
of every sleep laden dream
you've been smoking up all of my punchlines
that you didn't get
******* for the temptation
of somebody kind enough
to maybe love you for you
listen, little clubber
before this long winding road grows open
you need to make friends
with the man trapped in the mirror

That’s why they call it falling in love
because at best it’s going to hurt
and at its worst
you end up splattered all over the concrete

on the hook
dropped the book
a series of blank slates
with the memories of tomorrow's yesterday erased
running in place
always away from the sins of self
dusty bottles sit on the shelf
lungs too tired to ask for help
waiting
stating
obvious choices
made out in torn voices
circle the drain
until you can make your pain
the name of the game

dear son
how you doing
hopefully fine
I don't know you yet
but in case we never meet
I just wanted to say
whatever you do
in your life
just know
that you will be my proudest achievement
no matter what
I love you
from the past

Dear Tim
how you doing
I know we grew apart
you were the best
and only Dad I ever had
I never quite forgave you
for the whole Mum thing
but I know why you did it
and I understand
and I didn't turn out like you
I know I made you proud
maybe for that reason alone
but I love you
and we'll talk more
and soon
until then
love,
your son

Dear Harry
what's there to complain about today?
Me most likely
but listen up
for every **** up I gave you
that's another thing
which nobody cares about
it's your life
do what you want with it
and any failure
or any success
is on you
so stop hating yourself
and the rest of the world
and do what I know you can
forget making me proud
make you proud
Love,
your father

ever since he was born
it was hot on his heels
pheromones lining cosmic nostrils
the sick smell of fear
he keeps on running
because he isn't getting more
and ever since he was born
the candle has been burning
and the wax drips onto the bottle
sealing him in a sea of suffocation
and restless frenetic vibrations
time always just one step behind
and leaps and bounds ahead

We fear everything
that we don't know
a snake bite
paralysis
suffocation
we fear everything
we fear ourselves
because they don't impress
we fear others
because their eyes
are the color of denial
we fear communication
because we have nothing to communicate
we fear fear itself
because we know
what it is capable of

Make sure
I'm the first person
You drunk text this weekend
She said
He said
You always will be
So  the weekend came
Drinks drank
Thoughts thought
Feelings felt
I'm very drunk,
And drunk texting you,
To let you know,
I miss you
And she said
Dawww
Miss you too
With three w's
Three,
Which of course means
She likes me back

Duality in life
i live this life
but I don't know
whose life it is
hiding from mirrors
and reflective surfaces
afraid of my own face
face to face
with the fact
that I don't really like me
it's the worst phobia
looking
I mean actually seeing
the person you've become
as a kid
I was confident I'd be in the movies
then came puberty
the skin doesn't seem to fit right
and I don't remember building this wall
too high to scale
too thick to break
I found words
I took them in
stole them
shaped them
and spewed them back out
These poems aren't for you
they are mine
but if you like them
then great
it's just the first step
on looking myself in the face
and learning to like what I see

I know I did my thing
whatever the **** that is
but I have never
been more graced
than the moment I actually met you
you perfect ******* girl
who is so not perfect
our lives are intertwined with ****
I know it better than most
but baby listen here
it's a wild world
and we've always had fun
so i know the time is coming
where our fun
is less fun than actuallity
but I don't want that to happen
I cling to our time together
like a child
clings to his first memory of Christmas
because you have shaped me
to be good,
******,
mean,
loving,
caring,
desperate,
and as time goes on
My life shrinks away
like the time we have left
so please
ignore my flaws
and perfections
show me how
the world ends

I was a nerdy book loving
video game playing
weird music listening
awkward little short kid
in high school
the only difference
between now and then
is now I'm not in high school
and don't have the money
to buy video games
but throughout it all
since I was around 12 years old
I've been madly in love
like border line obsessed
with words,
they carry a mystique about them
capable of so much
yet objectively irrelevant
they are the conduit of humanity
and existence
and for every girl I've crushed on,
and a few time when it was more than a crush,
I would have picked the words over them every time
the same could go for my good friends
and even when I'm alone,
I'm never really alone
the words are everywhere I look
my first love
my only love

He was sitting at the bar,
not a nice bar at that,
when she walked in
uplifted by the draft
as she let the heavy door
close behind her
draped in a black dress
with black hair
like a shroud
and pale skin
like bones
she sat two stools down from him
and ordered an old fashioned
and necked it down
before ordering another
and another
and another
losing none of her poise
and no sign of flushed cheeks
she made eye contact with him
and for the first time in his life
he knew fear
and he knew he wanted to be scared

He ordered two old fashioned's
and slid a stool over
and told her his name
holding out his hand hopefully
she took it
with dainty fingers
her skin was colder than the creek
that he had been dared to swim in
during the winters of his childhood
"I think we've met before" she said
a voice like a funeral dirge
"so you must come here a lot" he replied
"you could say that,
or you could come back to my place"
he was more than happy to oblige
together they trudged off into the inky night
and he was never seen again,
and the next night
she was back at that bar
drinking old fashioned's
and waiting to be approached

flying high,
set sail for broader horizons
try not to die
or disturb my comfortable silence
don't even try
to spark up any violence
just sit back, unwind
and listen to the guitar strings

melt into that couch
and block out the world
wash away all the ouch
and money and girls
become a total slouch
and laugh as the room twirls
just sit in that pouch
of a world undisturbed

but don't fly too close to the sun
best not to end up like
Icarus, the fallen son
because we don't end up in an ocean of water
we just burn ourselves up like lambs to slaughter.
so remember, take it easy
when you are trying to take it easy

got my bags packed,
about to hit the road
looking for different pastures
the less green
the better
give me gray
and thrashing black
explosions of red
like heart attacks
not a quiet moment
for the man who never sleeps
we have the city nights
so walk down dreamer alley
and find the ***** kids
smoking funny stuff
and throwing back fire
you can buy any type of shot
down at the gun shop
and for five dollars
you can buy a kick in the head
in wine form
so let's get
even more lost than we already are
and wait to be judged

Oh you Americans,
how you have forgotten
the Queen's English
is a tragedy,
nothing describes formal beauty better
than the stiff upper lipped
Englishman in me
I mean seriously
you treasonous Yankees
did you forget *******
and ******
and **** hole
I mean
the English swear
better than anybody else
You should try your best
to remember
the forgotten
English words

Girls girls everywhere
But not a one to thank

too drunk to blog
allow me to send my inebriated thoughts
ton the temporal lobes which halo your ears
I spend seventeen seconds spending spent time
on times spent wallowing in the too many you're the bests
genesis is failing
genesis is falling upon us
like snowflakes spent forgetting the times we forgot
I forgot to tell you
no matter how drunk I get
I will remember you
so let's regret the forgotten reasons
of reasonable men reasoning the realist responses
of people who forgot to check their phones
for the second time todau

too drunk to blog
allow me to send my inebriated thoughts
ton the temporal lobes which halo your ears
I spend seventeen seconds spending spent time
on times spent wallowing in the too many you're the bests
genesis is failing
genesis is falling upon us
like snowflakes spent forgetting the times we forgot
I forgot to tell you
no matter how drunk I get
I will remember you
so let's regret the forgotten reasons
of reasonable men reasoning the realist responses
of people who forgot to check their phones
for the second time today

Like Lynyrd Skynyrd
I'm as free as a bird
and lord help me
I don't want to change

freedom is a ten year old boy
who just got out of school
for summer vacation
and has a long plan
of climbing trees
and skinning knees

Freedom is sitting on the beach
as the tide comes in
and the sun sets
because you have nothing better to do
than wait
for the sea to lick your feet

Freedom is propping up in a hammock
with your favorite
beaten up paper back
listening to crickets chirp,
and birds tweet,
and watching fireflies ,

Freedom is finding that one thing
which encompasses you
so completely
that you couldn't imagine
doing anything else
for the rest of your days

Freedom is letting go,
letting the small things slide

Friend zoned
dethroned
no more primrose
visions of a future untold
so you complain
she always goes for the ones with no brain
well it's a no brainer
you have to save her
right?
no wrong
this isn't some ******* love song
and you don't get to win the girl every time
by being the sensitive sort of guy
there has to be something in your *****
which give you courage to make the calls
the choices you've avoided
which would have let you down her halls,
but you never did
the friendship
was just too **** perfect
to try and evolve
so now you devolve
into beer whiskey and ****
oh aren't you such a knight
atop your noble steed?
you won't succeed
until you put the feeling
that your wheeling and dealing
will somehow strengthen some glass ceiling
but you complain
and ***** and moan
and say
"It's not fair, I'm in the friend zone."
when really it was you
who didn't own up to
all the things you were supposed to do

I was in a rush to grow up
look Mom no cuts
just a stomach of disgust
and the fear that I might go nuts this year
........
I've lost all faith in a world so full of hate
and I don't ******* love music
I just use it to escape
but wait,
I'm caught between wanting to punch someone in the face
and putting a bullet in my head to leave the human race
everything takes its toll
but no there's no toll I can take
I haven't yet found a good reason to be awake
Introducing my corroded bumps I hide behind my smile
I'm angry with the universe for the way she treats me now
and keeps me down
stealing all my energy
feeling like my enemy
concealing my identity

**** this,
**** that,
**** it all,
*******,
**** me,
**** living like this

attention problems you say?
well it's no wonder
our lives are dominated by screens
that keep appearing like pop-ups
and have you ever lived in a city?
it's hard not to be distracted
by thick framed pointless glasses
and whatever might be bobbing beneath those skirts
and we are the iced coffee frappamochalattechino generation
so it makes sense that we can't sit still
and when all of the information
in the known universe is just a google away
then why would we pay attention in school?
adderall
focalin
ritalin
*******
****
****
speed
what's the difference
it's all about medicating regulation to stop the second guessing
even when it rains we see the pitter patter
of each individual droplet
splashing
on each individual street
from west coast
to the orients
and when people can quote more commercials
than books
then where is the surprise?
let the adhd be
stop telling kids to stop day dreaming
it's the only thing that might save them
from later life mid-life crisis screaming

What am I feeling?
What is this
I've always been a sucker for women
Yet I've always played
Close to the chest
Cheating the chest organs
Out of any hope
Of a future life
But I could marry you
One of my best friends
One of my best victims
I've always felt attached to
Women who are afraid of attachment
It's my curse
It's my gift
It's my all too shiny
Genie lamp
Just a rub away from
Complete dominance

There was this girl,
she consumed him
so completely
that he loathed her
he loathed her
because he knew
he could never actually loathe her
even if she set fire to apartment
while he was sleeping in it
he want to an addict meeting
the circular discussion
fell on him
HI,
My name is blah blah
and I have a girl problem

so there's a girl
***** her name
that matters to me,
but not you
she's my best friend's girl
but she's great
we click just like how I can't snap
She's a good chick
and I never say chick
but she's cool
she makes him happier
but she makes me happier

Gross.

give me a smile
just for a while
I promise not
to take it for granted
but granted
not all of my wishes
have been granted
but I would take a smile
it's a simple thing
but at the same time
means so much
like a loving touch
If i could get in touch
with your feelings for me
maybe then I'd be free
free from this indecision
and worrying visions
free to be free
free to just be me
free from drinking too much
because I saw you talk to some butch guy
am I the apple of your eye?
if not, tell me why,
but if you don't really feel like doing that
like I said
sweet thing
I'd be perfectly happy
if you'd just
give me
a smile

I am a purveyor of sin
sins the things which define us
which mark our character
and make us human
give me your sins
your ***** little secrets
too overwhelming for many mortal ears
give me confessions of lust
and passion
and rage
and jealousy
and I will give you beautiful stories
of times when sin saved the day
gave life to the mundane
give me your lies
the whopping big ones
just know that I have built my house out of lies
and am no stranger to their seductive ways
give me your dreams which became nightmares
your shame
your darkness
give me the parts of you
most people would never see

there were always people staying with us
in that house
it was a real dump
too many transitory tourists
and drug induced lack of motivation
but there is Jake's girlfriend
frail and weak
like a *****
although she was mostly clean
she drank every now and then
but she was just sick
and she left
once Jake went to take the infinite sleep

And Martin never had trouble
bringing stray women back to the house
for days at a time
before he got bored
and went on to another
tossing the previous to the side
without a second thought
I stopped even trying to remember their names
those poor broken souls
like most girls who Martin coaxed into a world of loathing
frustrated self-destructive details
of a life headed no where

And Mia stayed for a while
a friend of mine
whose vices were klonopin, ***, and music
but she was far too smart
got out of there before the walls closed in
there was Sarah
just looking for truth
and love
but she never loved herself
and it was hard to love a pill head
who paraded her womanhood
to all of the drug dealers around town

There was Chris, smoking like a chimney
never sleeping
always running from his boyhood
we had to ask him to leave
when we found him
sailing the seas of golden brown

But these people
weren't built for this life
they are too easily destroyed by the ugliness
they haven't yet learned
how to shape them
into forms which are far more acceptable
so they flee in terror
from the glass house
their marks are marks of their impermanence

I used to pray a lot
knees to carpet
elbows on the edge of my bed
hands in the humble position
Dear God,
say hi to Granddad for me,
I hope he’s doing okay up there
waiting for us
I’ve been doing good
but I would really love it
if you could give me super powers -
I swear to use them right -
thanks God
-Harry

God never favorited any of my tweets
never liked any of my pictures
never poked me back
but that doesn’t mean much
in the ways of existence
I think He just doesn’t like to be bothered
and I never heard back about my Granddad
and I still have no super powers
but I am still here
and the weather outside
is ******* magical

The jester is weeping - locked in the bathroom, not coming out
the jester is weeping like a girl stag on prom night
each fetal rock accompanied by a jingle of bells
he painted a picture of perfect only to find the paint dry
the ugly makeup is running down his face
and his suit is tattered with grit
a clown is a last straw to clutch when the world is burning
“yeah, but at least it’s funny”
his drink spilling down his chin
watch as he makes a balloon noose
so the children can play hangman with his wavering decisions
his pants are full of candy
call it a painata
you can laugh and laugh and laugh
until it all sounds like wailing
the jester, weeping like the fool he plays
the crown’s court pleased with their pet
obnoxious explosions of ignorant, blissful cackles
the jester is tired
he has to go to sleep now
and the once they lose the laughter
they will see the brutal realities
they will be cannibalized by their fear
God, save the Jester
he’s all we’ve got

Warning:
To all involved
Tomorrow D-day comes
Move out from bunkers
Retreat to the family unit
Time has ran out of breath
And is panting on the sidelines
She wasn't a dime piece
Slightly better than a nickel
And my choices scar her thighs
My memories
Already miss her taste
That I never knew
She was always there
On inebriated nights
When the stars tried to call me home
And I
Will never forget her

I love the light
the way colors appear before us
varying hues and shades and textures
vibrant or dull
but always alive
the way light bends around us
to reveal a reality
an illusion
I love the light
for showing me that a dark bedroom
is nothing to be afraid of
I love the light
for filling me with strength
for healing me
that blazing ball of gas we circle
some cultures worship it
and I can see why
light gives life
light gives color
light gives darkness
and excitement
light…
the promise of something fresh
something new
“got a light?”

If my life is like a tightrope
and I'm toeing down the the line
then the world is my audience
they're all waiting for different things
to see me fall
fail
take the big nose dive of suspense
others are just curious
as to the nature of the whole spectacle
and an odd couple hundred of people
want to see me make to the other side
smiling and laughing
ecstatic in the ecstasy of my success
and the way I see it
that makes my Dad
a safety net made out of green backs
and my Mum
the harness I use to get back up
when i inevitably fall off

the grayness has a way
of coming from the sky
and seeping into the earth
the dark clouds which never produce rain
casting a shadow over the world
the city streets and buildings are overwhelming
the buildings reach up like fingers from the ground
trying to touch the face of God
it was gray today
but it won't be tomorrow

They say things like:
Who,
What,
Where,
Why,
How,
how they say these words
you just know they don't mean
anything by it
-Howya doin'?
-good.
-just good? not great?
-great is a big word
-beautiful.

I was just,
Covered in puke,
And toilet water,
You don't know gross
Until you have to clean that

Gone are the times
when we feared
the monster in the closet
no,
now we fear
the monster in the mirror
these forehead wrinkles
where did they come from?
(Probably from a pack a day)
The cynicism,
when did it infect the veins
the arteries which run through
the hallways of our body?
Overnight we made the leap
from boys to men
girls to women
growing up
can seem like
one big ******* nightmare
but for every nightmare
there are numerous dreams
beautiful dreams
and the mark of growing up
is being able to see the choice
between living a nightmare
or chasing a dream

My brain is jumping rope with my responsibilities
my heart is putting pins on my seat
and my words are thumbing their nose
high as a kite with a *** addiction
laughing like it’s all I have to go on
I just put my sunglasses on
so the drive thru cashier
doesn’t see the glassy red mischief
taking a selfie with the planet
keeping in touch with my unhealthy habits
I’m not chasing
***** that
I’m riding the rabbit
excuse me sir,
but could I trouble you for the time
all I’m asking for is a few more hours
to play hide and seek with my inner child
and tickle the monsters under my bed
the voice in my head is off on tour
so the mice are playing cat
prowling the alleys of recess city
to find that fine feline
who tells me she’s a dog person
TV made my couch a dime piece
music made me see things differently
and writing gave me a false sense of invulnerability
so I write another poem
pen another cry for validation
told my mamma I’m shooting for the moon
but he’s one crafty *******
and my water pistol is full of bourbon
not sure if I’m crazy or sane
not sure if I’m playing the game
or riding a train to arrested development
but let’s get a cup of coffee
and debate waking up before noon

it takes me in its hand
I don't know what it is
or if it even has hands
but I know it exists
in some ethereal realm
pushing along a corkscrew hallway
which switches it's polarity
with every hard to draw breath
It has a plan for me
or an idea
and all of my other aspects
are thrown out of the window of a moving car
they are useless to this guiding force which has me
and the road ahead is hazy from the heat
and oasis watering holes fill this desert
with signs which read
"happy hour 24 hours a day"
and I've never been religious
so it's strange to have to
put all of my faith in something

It was a funny night
the boys were out on the back porch
eating sandwiches
of nutella and magic mushrooms
the girls were all upstairs
snorting tiny white lines
crushed prescriptions
and it hit me
a wave of light
pouring over me
again and again
"look at all the directions
we could go tonight"
so we went on a walk
through a winter wonderland
a sky divided
northern lights green
mars red
streetlights carrying rainbow halos
and these streets are paved with stars
the bushes bloomed with clouds
"there is no God
but I believe in love"
******* that was deep
falling deeper and deeper
whatever the opposite of being
comfortably numb is
they took the cigarette out of my hand
entranced by steel blue spirals
making their way into the thick night
"It's burning me"
humans seemed a whole lot more
worthwhile
and that rug felt like magic
on my bare feet
everything being so perfect
it made me wonder
if life isn't the hallucinogen

Outside the cold strips air
from constricted throats
as the din of good company settles in
lost in a conversation
I have no interest in
My favorite place to get lost
only because I know so well
the nods and "mhm's" of good taste
surrounded by people
It's okay to let the mind wander
while we smoke ourselves
into a soporific stupor

I got drunk last night
Celebrating my birthday
One friend
Hospitalized
Another almost arrested
Another sick as a dog
Another hanging out the window

The next day
Apathy struck
The will to live
All but gone
Eating ******
College cafeteria food
And discussing
Our lives,
We came to two conclusions
Our lives were bad
And that didn't matter
Because nothing matters

Write a poem
To keep from
Throwing in the old towel
The towel of easy life
Not full of strife
Or exams, homework, and tests
You're not the best yet
Just on the way
Shrugging off layers of grey
And hopeless
Knock knock jokes
Drowning without a hope
In the fields of grain
Too numb to actually feel the pain
The pain of consistency
Complacency
Ad agencies
And bone shattering realizations
It's an odd sensation
Bouncing off the walls
Smoking water falls
Like we're sitting in the sin bin
This poem is ending
Henned in a caged pen
Traveling salesmen
Drop safety pins of fraternity logic
Don't get sick
We could be gone tomorrow
But hasn't that always been the case?

Have You Found God?

priestess you have found me shameful in my wanting
my sin, your stubbed toe
you curse me
in ways I have never heard -
but I found God -
I found God in the silence of quiet night time street
and the bathroom floor
God came into the restaurant once
he didn’t tip
but he did turn all the water into wine
God sleeps by the bus shelter
and asks for cigarettes
God is an old insane man in the halfway house
he sells me his piano CD’s for five bucks a pop
I read his libretto once, it was alright
God is a family man - a father
but every Friday night around 630 PM
you can find him at the bar, because a guy has to cut loose sometimes
God asked me for directions to the Garden of Eden
and sleeps with a night light
Oh priestess, I know you lament your long lost husband
in long forgotten altars to the old world
just know he’s out there
always in the last place you look