I sat alone another day.
The world was moving all around me,
but it seemed as if my life was in a standstill.
The doctors say its anxiety.
Everyone thinks anxiety means nervousness or fear,
but it is deeper than that.
Anxiety holds you prisoner.
You can't leave your house.

Ding
****
Ding
****

The doorbell rings but I can't answer.
There is too much fear inside.
You can't answer the phone.

Ring
Ring
Ring

"Telephone for you!" my family yells. I
tell them to say that I will call back, but I won't.
You can't eat.

Chomp
Bite
Chew

No, not me. The anxiety
even controls that. All the pain rushes back up with
every little thing I eat.
You can't go out.

Step
Step
Step

Everyone walking around me, but I can't move, the
apprehension paralyses me.
Everyone says, "Be brave. You can do it. You'll make it out of this."
But sometimes I wonder if I will.
I try to combat it all, but if I attempt to do anything,
it all starts over again.

Thump
Thump
Thump

My heart beats faster and faster.
I can feel it in my chest.

Beads of sweat
Racing
Falling
Running down my forehead.
All the thoughts swarm in my brain.
The fear picks up.
It is unbearable.
I'm so frightened, but I don't know what of.
The paranoia sweeps over my body like a giant wave.
Every day I have to fight what seems to be a losing battle.
But then . . . I look outside.
I see the colours.
I see the life.
I see spirit.
I know I can do this.
Hope.
Fight.
Win.

The darkness of where you sit
Ensures you get goosebumps
Until that one little light is lit,

The darkness of where you sit
Ensures your insides crawl in you then crumble,
Until that one little light is lit

The darkness of where you sit
Will wait until you embrace it's lack of color,
Until you embrace its untroubled silence,
Until you embrace its weakened will,
Its calm shroud of absence,
Its unexpected peace.

So restrain.
No light needs to be lit

I used to look at my walls,
thinking that was my writing.
But as time heals this heart
I see the words in your scrawl.

And when the monsters came
I thought it was my fault -
Like you said it was.
Me and my over-thinking, lingering.

But this darkness grows thin,
the truth seeps through,
like a weeping wound
from the folds of your heart.

All this time I was weak,
I tore myself apart.
Blind to the pieces
of your crumbling walls.

The monsters that come now,
Are from your Regrets
which haunt your soul,
staring through mirrored eyes.

Avoidance tears at our old wounds,
as you try to erase the intimacy shared.
Blanketing the memories in shadows,
so even the beauty twists into vulgarity.