look at all that pain

red hot tears flowing, damning any being in presence

daggers in the heart, eyes, mind

hatred
disappointment
disgust

HATRED
DISAPPOINTMENT
DISGUST

they say blood is thicker than water but since i stopped bleeding i've been able to stay afloat

the only blood left seeping from my fragile skin is a reminder of the damage that has been inflicted upon me from the beginning

of my existence, suffering consequences of choices of others,

my blood

oh mother, father,

it is time

glossy green eyes gaze out of the little yellow house

the sun gently kisses the snow-covered ground, the white glimmers brilliant as if this was death

the birds sing and dance in matrimony, and the little people in their little houses remain quaint and snug inside

the world is a beautiful place and i am not afraid to die

at the elapse of each hour, the green eyed girl chimes in to the stroke of the clock at the bell tower, and the bells sing one, two, three, four

but time tells her nothing

manic, she panics

the darkness enters her parted lips and takes to her brain, only to sabotage every last ounce of light remaining in the crevices of her brilliance

she drowns in a stagnant river of blood, further coagulated by happening wounds, painfully giving rise to the past, present, while she gasps for breath of the unknown

you feel like home with your comforting arms around me.
i long for your embrace,
but the distance between us leaves my arms outstretched,
grasping only the cold winter air that surrounds me.

they say home is where the heart is,
but where does one find familiarity in a life of inpermanence?

i realized there is no forever.
people promise eternity yet wish to not see the sun of tomorrow.
people run from everyone and everything
in search of happiness and a high.

i understand now.

we become accustomed to the brainwashed idea of what living is,
working more hours than time we spend with those we love,
to come home empty-handed with a sour face.
happiness is thought to be a piece of paper
that gets you places and things.
but is that illusion of materialism true to rid of desolation?
solace lies within
and contentment takes time.
let not our distraction of mortality wave us from seeing the good,
but our dualism let us see the meaningless of every day.
our moments are fleeting,
and will one day be forgotten.
what we smiled for, cried for, and died for,
will one day lose its meaning.
is this pessimism?
or is it truth?
is it objective thinking,
refusing to believe that
we are anything substantial?
one day they will laugh at our irrelevancy.
for people come and go,
and what is today,
will one day be in ruins.

i could never tell myself "this isn't real" during nightmares and ever since your side of the bed became empty i know why.

i lay awake in this empty room with
a miasma of dark thoughts that eat me away until im nothing but flesh and bone.

*how can i feel so tired
yet restless at the same time?

your incessant interrogating is useless
i don't know what's wrong with me either

it's the kind of darkness that not even the brightest star in the universe could illuminate.
it starts in my heart then proceeds to consume my mind until eventually i am a walking and talking mass of gray and black.
does the color of your soul mimic the piercing blue of your eyes?
i never wanted things to be this way.
you're a thousand miles away riding buses to places unknown
while i'm writing sad poems of how much i miss you
and sitting on this bench that once sat us both
with teary eyes
holding on to every ounce of hope
that this was all only a nightmare.
and my deliberations are like clockwork..

this isn't real
this isn't real
*this isn't real

you can have withdrawals from anything if you miss it hard enough..
what i found in you was unlike any drug around

despair is in my heart
i am displaced
faced with feelings i cannot control

our dreams are foreboding;
endless running through tunnels of black.
you forgot about me
and i slept alone in my bitterness.

you have a way with words
and by that i mean you only speak in apologies
im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry
it would be ok if you didnt apologize for all the wrong things.

the floor underneath me is shaking and
the walls surrounding me are crashing down.
my mind is madness like the chaos of a burning fire.
the fury is rising
hatred
loathing
disgust

in your eyes i am nothing but a disappointment.
you make me feel so small
under your scrutiny and rage.
do you want me to apologize for being sad?
i'm sorry
we all have our ways of coping.

i stand before the reflecting glass
and glower at the green lights looming at me
my thoughts scamper
and i reach for anything
to **** the pain

take me to your dark attic.  
show me your old photo albums;
the ones in black and white
in the box
next to your old toys.
bring your demons and your spirits
that sit atop your shoulder and
whisper evil into your ears.

nowadays it seems as if it's only the seasons that change

it was dangerous
yet delicious
the way you inserted the syringe into my arm.
my fear dissolved as you looked me in the eyes and
as the drugs began flowing through me.
at that moment i became dauntless.
euphoric.
i had then stepped into your world
full of needles and pure release.

i wish i was a person
that dreamed of being a child again.
i'm sure they have sweet memories of days at the park
or trips to the museum.
but the only place i remember visiting was
the liquor store.
after my father was sold his daily bottle of poison,
i was given a timid smile and a lollipop
oh how sweet memories can be.

if they're out of reach, just pretend you're sleeping next to them until the emptiness sitting in your arms begins to tire your muscles.

i feel empty.
every time my head fills with cynical thoughts
and my mouth opens to let out a cry,'
nothing comes out.
i am empty.
i emit no feelings.
no expressions.
i am a blank sheet of paper
and where are you to fill in these lines?
in this time i am alone in my horror
without you here as my cushion of distraction
and my happiness
i come to the realization
i am nothing without you.

sadness is overwhelming
sadness is a drop of black paint
in a sea of white
one little drip and the whole thing turns grey.

white lines of what is like sugar to me
my little puffs of happiness and ease
i lower my head into the clouds
and inhale the magic up to my head.
that familiar burning sensation
and lightness in my brain
i finally feel at ease.
i am ok.
for now.

mimicking his sarcasm and wit all her life
but her personality wasn't the only thing she got from her father.
her curiosity of endless pills and bottles and pipes
whatever she could find
to take her someplace nicer.
thats what she inherited most.

feeling melancholy
although somewhere inside me
lies the true reason for my sadness
inside me is the bitter awareness
consciousness of your depart
for a short while you are here
but i know soon you will leave
and i will remain
only with you
a memory

i sit in this empty bed and think to when it was full
of our tangled legs and bodies pressed together,
hands intertwined under the blankets.
i think to when i could turn my head
and look into the eyes of the person i love.
*why has this mattress spun on it's axis and left me alone again?

i've always rushed underneath the scalding water
in hopes of it melting me away
but the only thing it really does
is muffle my cries of confusion and fear
i wish i could vanish
like the vapors in the steaming room
silently and slowly
disappear

good luck trying to figure me out
i am a labyrinth of lies.
"yes i'm doing fine"and "everything is good"
as i stare into the eyes of every person
asking of my well-being
i lie; for reasons i wish i knew
in the back of my mind, i am screaming for help
for someone to aide me
to understand me
but the devil holds my tongue and i remain silent
maybe someday the words will come
maybe someday ill be okay.

you gave me flowers before you left.
they sit on my window sill,
and face towards our favorite place to sit
they are getting too dry, but i promise i'm
trying my best to keep them alive
just as i'm trying my best to keep us alive.
1,000 miles from you
all i can do is hope to see you soon
before you let us wilt
like the flowers you gave me before you left

like the night you come,
come to me like the sea comes
never to stay, yet
destined to return
dark and dangerous
i watch, i wait
always my love
the sea you are to me