Today I'm craving touch
I'm craving that the outside world will remind me I'm real
Or maybe I'm craving the absence of
The world
Maybe I'm craving the absence of myself
Maybe I'm craving to disappear

Today I'm craving knowledge
The knowledge of what I want

I wish I didn't feel so much
Because only now that I let you go
Does it truly feel like I'm falling

I thought some of my fears
Might disappear over the years
But it seems like they're here to stay
In fact over the years
More seemed to have clung on
I'm not a little girl anymore
I think I'm much to mature for that
You might say I am
And I'll just friendly smile back
It's just another judgment on your part
And I'm so used to getting judged
It seems like routine
Since elementary school
Getting judged by appearance
The voice you speak
But I didn't really have a voice
So you judged me because of that
I was always more scared of girls than guys
Girls would hurt me emotionally
Guys would hurt me physically
And that was okay
At least the pain told me I was alive

Have you heard the broken words?
Of a happy girl
On a sad day
Have you read the letters
Almost Illegible
And tear stained
Addressed to the past
And even though she could have a bright future she only looks back
Have you heard the cries too familiar you can't sleep
Have you realized where you put your energy?

I still dream of you sometimes
Press snooze
Just ten more minutes
With the idea of you
With the idea I'm not alone
That someone would look at me
With amazement in their eyes
Just ten minutes
Okay?

You don't find scars on my skin
So you think I'm just fine
You don't see in my eyes that I cried all night
But some of us don't wear our scars like clothing
Some show scars in poetry written in the dark
Where they feel the rawest emotion
And I'm one of them
I bleed my emotion into poetry
And hope you can make sense of it more than I can
So someone can you tell me
How am I feeling?

Looking up at the sky
Then back at you
You're sitting so close
But you're so distant
Different worlds
Different start
I'm reaching out
You're not reaching back
Just reaching further away
Targeting my pain
'Cause I let my emotion get away

I believe in you
I believe in this
Every life is worthwhile
And no ones life is worth more
As our value can’t be counted in dollars
Or any other types of currency
So know your life is worth more
Than mountains of gold
Or the rarest of ores
And it’s not worth any less
Than the lives of your favorite celebrities
Just cause your talents aren’t shared
And your story isn’t told
doesn’t mean they aren’t worth it
And if you have the time to share
I’d love to listen and see
Who’s the person
Behind the beautiful face we can see

She is always in a hurry
So happy when the snowflakes fall in a flurry
In the shops as soon as it becomes November
Wrapping gifts in early December
Giving what she bought away
Happy that it's Christmas day
And then only the next day
Sad to see the year was the same
So tired of the sorrow filled game
Hoping that next year she will change
Hopes for next year all the same
Hoping this on new years day
Hoping...
Hoping....
Doing everything the same

In the blue
I get lost
It's more than just a thought
I'm not lost in daydream
Happiness for the time we stay
Blue sky
Why do you have to go away?
I need you
But at this hour
You've gone away
Come blue sky
Put a smile on my face

We are stuck here
We are lost here
Wandering
Here
In this
Sick state of mind
Delusional
Just in time
For more lies
Forcing us
To stay alive
As the monsters
Creep inside

I swear my stomach
Doesn't know about Gravity
Because I can feel it
Trying to fly away
Leave the world behind
It jumps high
It even does flips
But it can't fly
However I understand why
It will continue to try

I'm me for my hours spent on poetry
And my love of tea
And dancing off my energy
I'm me for singing quietly
And walking off shyly
But maybe I'm me for more than you can see
Maybe there's more to the hours spent in bed on netflix and tumblr
Maybe there's a girl that you don't see
She seems to think hiding is the best way to handle stress
And telling everyone she's okay will make her less of a mess
She rates herself lower than everyone she meets
She tries to communicate the best she can
But everything in her tells her to panic
And maybe I smile as much as I can
But something inside is crying out
And maybe I don't know me
Maybe that's something I'm still figuring out
Maybe I have all the pieces but they're mixed around
And maybe I could be more put together
But there's no such thing as perfection
So a little broken beauty won't hurt
I'm just another human
That has some things to figure out

You're my nights
You're my light
My tea
And poetry
You're everything
That makes me feel me
Everything that makes me feel right
A sad goodnight
And a cheerful good morning
A warm hug
Holding tight  
You're what makes my days bright

It feels like I'm flying
Like I'm on top
I may not be the best
But I'm not trying to win
Music playing
Pulling me in
I might not be a dancer
But when I'm dancing
I don't want to stop

What's this feeling
Because it seems I've been torn apart

I don't know how you can look at me
And insist you've done nothing wrong
Like I should believe you
But by now I know you
I know how you turn it on me
Though I didn't do anything particularly wrong
Yet you blame me
You make me feel small
So you can act big
But you can stop the act
No need for a show
This isn't a game
So there's nothing to win
Though you'll keep your act till the end
You don't deserve a trophy for it
I wasn't pleased with your act
I won't stand back transfixed
I won't shed tears
Because this time
I didn't believe the performance

What does the color remind you of
The color red?
It reminds me of something
I miss
Something I can't have
and something I can't be
it's hard because the color is so pretty
Why must it remind me of you?
Why does everything
remind me of you

The things I don't tell you
When you ask what I've learned
My friends care
But sometimes they don't know how to care for me
I can be with my friends and still be lonely
People can love me
Even when I don't
I can love how people feel towards me
That doesn't mean I have feelings back
If I love someone
Don't
Relationships are a mess
I'm a mess
But I'm not always the problem
I'm not the answer either
Its good to help when I can
But sometimes I can't
Its okay to leave problems unsolved
I don't need to know everything
I'm still learning

I'm waiting for leaves to fall off trees
for art to fall at my feet
I'm waiting to wear baggy sweaters
to be wrapped in something cozy
I'm waiting for pumpkin pie
a delicious treat
I'm waiting for sipping on hot tea
my liquid warmth
I'm waiting for Autumn

I desire to be a bubble
All they do is float and pop
I desire to be something
Anything I'm not

I desire to be an age
Where I don't desire
I just play
Because it got taken away
Like a bubble wand
When you kept blowing on it
But the bubbles were gone

They show us what it means
To be perfect
How we need to look
Beautiful
That's what we need to be
Perfect
Smile
Hair
Face
Clothes
Weight
They teach us
Jealousy
Not to be yourself
Picture perfect

They show us what it means
To be perfect
What we need to achieve
Smart
That's what we need to be
Perfect
Scores
Grades
Memory
Student
Ideas
They teach us
To exceed every expectation
To set high expectations
Academically perfect

They show us what it means
To be perfect
What we need to build
Creative
That's what we need to be
Perfect
Ideas
Words
Art
Thought
Product
They teach us
To be spot on
We can't make mistakes
Imaginatively perfect

They show us what it means
To be perfect
When sadly
They don't even know

I always liked when it snowed
Because no matter how cold it was outside
I'd always have somewhere and someone
to keep me warm
And no matter how little I had
I'd always have something to give
And I'd wear a bow
Because the gift of family was enough
Why isn't it always like this

My travelers heart crosses maps with all of these words

You ask me if I'm okay
Then leave me
When I say
Yes
I am

I think I'm addicted
To this sad song
Because it reminds me of you
You're the touch of happiness
Surrounded by the sadness
Of knowing you'll never care about me

You're the melody
Everyone loves
I'm a lone note
No one would know was gone
You're loved
I'm not
So let the sad song play on

I love how I can transform words
into art
but I'm lost as to what I want
when the side of me
the one that hides in the dark
that holds hands with melancholy
grips onto anything
onto everything
that might make it worthwhile
is the one that writes so effortlessly
but the side of me that is most at peace
has trouble writing more than a line

Some people say true happiness exists
Some people say it doesn't
But what I say is I had the best night ever
Because it had you guys in it
So thanks for being the best friends
That could ever exist

In a hushed tone
All things sweet came and
Talked for hours and hours on
Fighting away all that's scary
Telling me it's okay
That nothing will harm me
I let them comfort me
I gave them my trust
When they relaxed me enough
I drifted into the land of sleep
There I rest peacefully
Till the sweet things came
As the monsters they really are
Then came the things that were scary
They picked me up
And healed the bruises
Patched up the wounds
And it disproved what I was taught
That the pretty ones
Were the ones that deserved trust

We crumble and fall
While trying to prove we're alright
We live behind a wall
Because we're scared of the outside
We breath in our tears
So we can smile
We name others as fake
To replace the name
We're taught to fight
And we forget to love
Only as we die
Do we learn to live
Because living is less accepted
Than to merely exist
And living is just the start
To defying this game
Because to live as we want
We have to rewrite the game

You're the kind of person
Who puts me at ease
You're the kind of person
Who makes me daydream
You're the kind of person
Who makes me feel right
You're the kind of person
Who smiles so nice
You're the kind of person
I want to be with

Roses are white
So are the violets
The walkway in the park is too
The only thing I can see clearly is you

I'm always in the way
It doesn't matter what I say
I have no power
I'm just a child
but I'm not as cute
I'm a teen
I'm in between
Always in between emotions
But the difficulties
They're constant

Midnight fights with myself
What's right?
What's wrong?
Moments of self doubt
'Cause I have yet to prove myself
Half asleep
Waiting to achieve
Something besides misery
Who could blame me
Just waiting for another day
Where I can fake me
Smiles so they can't see
Me breaking down

No one knew how I felt
I smiled till I was by myself
Didn't see the tears I cried

Bullied me
When I didn't talk
Never said a word to them

Scared of my own friends
The few that I actually had

  Run to bathrooms just to cry

And you say I wouldn't understand

I never let a friend
Help me stand
When I fall
I let myself fall again
You can't see me
Broken and bent
I'm not the one
You want to fix

Just let me cry
You shouldn't care
You never noticed
When I was there
Still you called me stupid
When I wouldn't work
Painfully playing my emotions
Because you're supposed to be my friend

I guess I'm awful
Because I can't talk in front of class
I'm not as stupid as you think
I had the answer in my head
I could have choked it out
Could have dealt with the panic
I'm sorry I didn't want the pain
So I couldn't earn our group stupid points
I mean I know they were more important
Than my mental heath

I never come to you with my problems
But whatever, come to me with yours
I'm sorry I'm not helpful
But your problems
Should obviously come before mine
It doesn't matter the tears are blurring my vision
Of course it's my fault
I can't be a better friend

I shut you out
You were only trying to help
But you can't
I'm not solvable
So stop acting like I am
You don't know what's wrong

She sat
Cross legged
Tea in her hands
And just begged
That today would be a good day

The music plays
And I listen to the words
To the lyrics
Lyrics
I find their meaning
Deep within
And it plays once again
And I know what it means
I'm not okay
I cry it out
Screaming loud
So maybe someone will hear me
I'm one of the broken
Not one of the beauty

Not all the poetry I've shared
is up to my current standards
some hurts to read
knowing I thought
that it was good enough to share
but I don't want to delete any of it
because if I delete who I used to be
how can I prove I've grown

So I go back to that day
With those weird conversations
With my Awesome friends
Having fun
Laughing too much
Choking on pop
Then we talk
And the rest of the world
Seems less important
No more worries
Just happiness
And fun
And it replays like that
Whenever we talk

You have to take care of yourself
Watch out
Don't go out alone at night
be afraid of every noise
but why are you so afraid
you don't need to be frightened
you're just weak
it's nothing

It's been about 8 years
8 years since you've been gone
I know too well now that everyone dies
Everyone goes
Everyone says their final goodbye
Everyone takes their last breath
And are out of our sights
But when you died I was 6
I was a foolish little kid
I thought goodbyes never lasted that long
I thought that goodbyes couldn't last 8 years
And on

I create
This amazing life
In my head
To escape
And in this life
The one in my head
I'm still imperfect
I'm still sad
And I have
No one to trust
And I thank reality for that

Please
Can I have a dark night
Or invisibility
I need to disappear right now

I've seemed to fallen
In love with your words
But you're not your words
I was deceived at first
Then I felt like a fool
Because I cried over you
When I only knew your words

Sometimes I'm sensitive
Sometimes I'm strong
Sometimes I break
Sometimes I break free
Today I feel strong
Though tomorrow I may not
And that's okay
Because that's what makes me human

You want to kiss my lips
Inhale my lightness
Caress my skin
But only at its softest
Hold my hands
When they're not icy cold
You are looking for someone to hold
Someone to be your cure
Without acknowledging you have problems
I want someone to show the world to
Not just sunsets over lakes
But also rigid rocks
That you can cut yourself on if you're not careful enough

What is up with this?
I do want to know
Madness it's all I've known
Crazy?
I probably am
Oh well
This again?
Stop please
I guess not
Why can't the thoughts go away?

There is a monster in my head
It's feeding off my troubles
but for some reason
I don't want to let it go

What do you do when madness contains you?
What do you do when silence breaks you?
Where do you go to get tomorrow?
Where do you go to lose your sorrows?
When will you see there is no light?
When will you see that you gave up the fight?
Who do you go to when you have no place?
Who do you go to when you lose the race?
Why do you find it so hard to believe?
Why do you find it so hard to leave?