The first time you hear
"Beauty is pain"
Is when your mother is brushing tangles
Out of your hair
You're too young to care

The next time
Is when you're getting your hair done
For an event
Bobby pins everywhere
And this time it sticks

Your legs sting
After you shave them
For the first time
But you remind yourself
Beauty is pain
And go on with your day

You remind yourself again
As you pluck hairs
From your eyebrows
It helps you somehow

Beauty is pain
Your stomach growls
You haven't eaten
Because you want to be skinny
You want to be pretty

Beauty is pain
Is all you hear
When you walk into surgery
To change your face

Beauty is pain
Lingers in the back of your mind
When your boyfriend hits you
For the first time

One day you look in the mirror
All you see is pain
You wonder how it ended up this way

I fear rejection
Yet I told you how I felt
And now I'm waiting here
With this nothingness
And that's one problem
With speaking through glass screens
But every time I speak to you
I find myself anxious
And I feel like I'll get rejected
But I usually
Reject myself
Before I get rejected by anyone else

And as I say goodnight I hope
Good nights with you
Will always mean I'll miss you

You say you're not good at art
but I've seen you create things
on your hardest days
and it's a masterpiece
knowing that the world is still so bright to you
Even at its darkest
And you are darling in the way
That you try to pick something
You love about yourself each day
Because you know great artworks
Aren't always beautiful as a whole

There are women against feminism
And I really don't get that
Feminism is about equal rights for men and women
And without that
I would spend my life suffering through the remark
"Get back to the kitchen"
Because it wouldn't be my place to deny that
And little girls would grow up
With their purpose in life to be
To look pretty
And have children
Without feminists
I would grow up and never get the chance to vote
Without feminism
It wouldn't matter if I had an education
As long as I looked good enough to get a husband
Isn't there something wrong with that
And feminism is around today
Because some men still look at women as objects
Because women can't dress nice
Without a male seeing it as an invitation
Because women who have *** are *****
But guys who have *** are praised
Because women get paid less than men
Feminism still exists because so does inequality
And men don't think I'm blaming you
I'm blaming the society
That uses a woman's body to sell anything from burgers
To perfumes
I'm blaming the society
That constantly photoshops women
I'm blaming the society
That blames the victim
I'm blaming the society  
That makes women believe feminism is wrong

My daughter when you were little
You called butterfly's flutterby's
Because they effortlessly flutter through the skies

As a child I was as carefree as a butterfly
I always wanted to fly through the sky
But my butterfly dreams were just dreams
And they fluttered by "bye"
Resisting gravity unlike I

My darling daughter the years
Have so quickly fluttered bye
But I always cherish any moment spent with you
You always give me wings
And a song that I can sing

Flutter bye
Goodbye
I love you like the sky
And through the moments
We'll both fly away

Broken and pretending
Lost in nothing
Winning by default
losing by rule
Can’t stop the patterns
Nothing is cool
Can’t stop pretending
Now who are you?

I'm not a doll
I don't belong in a box with a label
I'm not a puppet
Don't try to control me
I'm not anything but myself
I am an individual
I defy society's pressure
To be anything but myself
I won't be labeled
Or controlled
Or molded into somebody else
I'm proud to be myself
Don't insult me for it
Because to be someone I enjoy being
Is far from an insult

Conversations
Make me happy
Usually...
Conversations with you
Make me happier
Usually...
I am happy
Sometimes...
I am sad
A lot...
But I'm me
Like that matters...
Smile
Why not...

When your walls crumble
you build them taller
you build them stronger
so no one can break you
then when you do break
you have no one to blame
other than you
but when you reject yourself
it's rejection just the same
no one loves you
and no one can
because you build
the wall up again
but a reject is all you've been

I say I'm okay
but I'm not
I'll have my good days
and I'll have my worst
but until the day
I go to bed without
a feeling of dread
or tears on the bed
pounding in my head
the inability to catch my breath
I'm not okay

I won't truly be okay
Until the day
I can say hello
without having to rehearse it
or wonder if I said it
too quiet
or too loud
if it even came out
and worrying if
the conversation will go past that

If the most I say
about how I'm feeling
is okay
and you had to ask in the first place
I'm probably not

If I'm more worried
if you're okay
than I'm probably not
because until I unlearn
how to pick everybody but myself up
I'm not

I say I'm okay
so you don't have to worry about me
but I'll still cling to all the care
and love you give to me
because I'm still unsure
if its all I get
so until the day
I don't feel the need
for reassurance that you care for me
I'm not okay

Until the day
I can no longer relate to this
I'm not okay
but I'm working on it

I'm on a swing
Two chains
and a seat
I feel like I'm flying
or I could be dying
if I jumped
but the ground isn't too far from my feet
but the sky isn't too far out of reach
and I like to come back
to this swing set
when everything's too much
all my dreams
out of reach
grip the chains
and pump my legs
until my hands are blistered
from holding the chains
and my hips are in pain
from the force of the seat
because this is where I realize
if I push hard enough
nothing is too far from my reach

He tied an anchor to her
Threw her in the deep end
When she came out with a fear
Of drowning
All they did was ask her
Why she'd go under
If she knew
She wouldn't be able to breathe

I'm not here for small talk
I want to avoid the wave of
okays
and blank faces
I don't wish to drown in
meaningless conversations

How are you?
This isn't a surface level greeting
Dig deeper
How are you feeling?
Is your mind your enemy today?
Or your friend?
Or is there a disconnect, like an acquaintance?

How's the weather today?
I'm not talking outside
I can check that myself
but what is the weather in your head
Is it bland?
Is it nice?
Do you need protection?

Do you like this place?
This physical space
When you fully engage in the world
Do you like it?
What would you change?

What do you like to do?
How do you spend your time?
When the world is crashing down
What helps?

I'm not here for small talk
So don't get alarmed
When I try to get to know you

I'm a puzzle
But half of my pieces
were thrown away
So I keep adding pieces
From different puzzles
I guess I'd rather be whole
Than be right

I'm not easy to manage
I have a storm in my mind
Trying to find its way out
And I will grip unto you
Like I've never seen sunlight
But you don't need to calm the storm
I just like to know there's still light

You come to me in a memory
You come as something broken
Something lost
Something long gone
You come as a message in a bottle
However the bottle broke
And the message is soggy
You come like midnight
Dark
A little too quiet
Or a little too loud to be happy
You come as a barrier
You get in the way of me moving forward
You come like an ice cold winter morning
A little too frozen to fix with coffee
You come as a memory of who I was
You come to tell me what I'm not
You come to me when I think I might be alright
But I'm not
You come to me in a memory
To remind me that's all I've got
A memory of something I lost

You may not think that you are
But you are beautiful
You may not see that you are
But you are beautiful
People may not say that you are
But you are beautiful
You may reject it
But you are
And always will be
Beautiful

I found myself in a land free of troubles
Then came shaking
The world turned inside out
Now the falling
Panic rushing through me
What was that?
Faint whisper
I can't make it out
Then it comes louder
You
Need
To
Wake
Up
Then it all crumbles
I'm back
Good morning

The emotions become enough
I lay down for a moment and cry
Then shut my swollen eyes
The light is then gone
Darkness in that moment
And then to lay awake
Silent cries and soundless screams
A never fading nightmare

Gone and lost
Hopeless dreams
and memories
Fighting battles
Left unwon
Timeless moment
Timeless race

Smiling is no longer
An emotion
No longer
A friendly gesture
But only
Another mask

Now everyone's become
Emotionless dolls
Playing along
To mask the past
And the time to come

I say I'm done
with being treated like ****
because I'm a human
and I deserve respect
but I still get surprised
when I'm treated right
and I apologize
when I've done nothing wrong
but I do stand up for myself occasionally
so that's something
right?

Can I help you get back
Back to where you belong
You've been placed the happy ones
Mistaken with cheerful
Oh it's a shame
They can't even see your tears fall
You're not annoying
You're not mean
You just want some attention
They ignore you
They cut you off
This isn't where you belong
You don't belong here
You don't belong

The tears jolted me awake
Past
Present
Future
What will you take?
Sleep on it
Can't sleep
Fail to answer
Then it answers for me
Trick question
You have nothing

I'm the smell before rainfall
And you're thunder in a storm
And it's a strange kind of beautiful
When dark clouds come to play

I get envious
I get jealous
When people have poems with 40 some reactions
It's not even about attention
It's just I hope
Something about me
The words I put out for you to see
Are worthwhile

Mirror mirror on the wall
I know I'm not the prettiest of them all
Because I live in a judgmental society
That thinks peoples looks tell all
Mirror mirror on the wall
Stop pointing out our flaws
We already know them
And it tears people apart

I'm begging summer
Can you please stay?
I don't want to go back to that place
I feel so small
Even walking down the halls
Just get to class
You'll be okay
Hoping that the teacher doesn't call my name
Just a hello
And I panic and look away
When lunch comes I don't want to eat
So many people I can barely breathe
Help me summer
I wouldn't have to feel this way
If you would just stay

I want to write a poem
That will set you free from harm
I want to write a poem
That you can hold nicely in your arms
I want to write a poem
That has it's own personality
I want my poem to dance freely
On the edge of imagination and reality
I want it's softness to put you to sleep
I want it to hold you with it's warmth
I want it to entertain you with it's playfulness
I want it to be the readers friend

Enjoy the silence
She said in a whisper
As the room kept getting dimmer
Enjoy the silence
They said as they fought her
Enjoy the silence
She said when she got hurt
Enjoy the silence
She cried in her pillow
Enjoy the silence
She repeated as the silent noise
Consumed her

I like to forgive and forget
but if I forgive I can't forget
'Cause something still lingers
Because by forgiving
I let you back in
So forgive me for not forgiving you
But don't hold on to this forgiveness
Because I'll be forgetting you

I want to be creative
Correction
I want to have amazing streaks of imagination fill me
Until they flow out onto paper
And I want that everyday
I want the world to inspire me
I want to paint the world in a new perspective
To share it with you

We're a romance for how my heart beats for you
We're a sad story for how that statement isn't true for you
We're a comedy for the humorous irony of me and you
We're a a fiction because it will always be me space you
We're a fantasy because the concept of we're is all in my head

Why does thinking of love
Make me think of you?
I don't even get it

Why is love thought to be so strong
When you can love a pair of shoes

Why is love tied with loss
Was it asked to

How does love tie with you?

On this map
This representation of an area
I marked 2 spots
One was me and the other was you
I ran my finger along the route between us
Telling myself that there was nothing in the way
Only a little space
There's a way from point A to point B
Nothing could get between us
Except for you were unmoving
And I was stuck
We are 2 separate areas on a map
But I was foolish enough to see the routes between us
And feel connected

It's hard to write poetry
When I have no motivation to do so
I'm just looking for inspiration
Somewhere
Anywhere
But I can't find it in me
So maybe you could help me
If you would talk to me
'Cause right now
I'm having a one sided conversation
And it's not going well
Because my words to me
Demotivate me
So would you please join this conversation
With me
Maybe I could be happy
But I've gotten sidetracked
With envy
And displease
Sometimes looking for the words to describe me
Sometimes trying to find me
Using sad music and poetry
Staring at the mirror
Long enough to find every flaw that bugs me
Getting in to arguments just to see if I can win
Then the begging comes in
'Cause I still want them to be my friend
I'm sorry but it hurt me
Every conversation you cut me off in
But don't worry I'm used to it
That happens to me with friend or not friend
But I know you care about me
You do right?
Did these words come out right?
Did it somehow turn into an apology?
Because I am sorry
But for what?
Maybe for always being wrong
Because someone once said that I always am
I'm wrong
It's true that I am
So here's the poem I tried so hard to write
And I sincerely apologize for it
Because these words might eat you
Like they ate at me  
Gripping unto something
Maybe the guilt inside me
And as it comes flowing out it's making me shaky
Hitting my nerves
On the way to escape me
Because even it wishes to leave me
So I'll beg once more
Please will you save me

What would you highlight
In a book of your life
What's most important
Most exciting
Most inspiring
What reminds you everything's alright
And
Would you ever think to highlight my name?

I've stopped searching
for my missing pieces
Not because I'm whole
but because
I finally
feel
alive

The day we met
Will never be forgotten
The sun was shining through
Reflecting on the ocean oh so blue
Sparkling like diamonds
Like your eyes do too
With a smile that can be seen
From miles away
Gravitating me towards you
My heart skips a beat
When you call my name
My life will never be the same
You are my Romeo
I am your Juliet
The moments we spent together
I will never forget
You showered me with diamonds
And other fancy things
Taking me to dinner
And pulling out my seat
Treating me like royalty
But clearly it was never meant to be
Because it was only in a movie.

I want to ask
What reminds you of me?
But if you were to ask me back
I couldn't pick one thing
Because my mind likes to bring
Everything back to you
But then maybe my answer is
That I remind myself
Of you

Am I a hopeless romantic
Or a hopeless girl
I'm always dreaming for something more

Just a stupid morning
Of sticking to routine
Just a tired morning
Not getting any closer to my dream
Just a boring morning
Out of bed
Dressed
Breakfast
Out the door
Is this how it is to live
Or am I not living at all

I want to listen
I want to hear every word so clear
I want to talk to you
I want to feel close to you
Like I haven't before
I want to hear everything
In honesty so true

I wish to be trustworthy
I wish to be a good friend
I wish you will see me as I am
I wish you would like me
As I like you
I wish I would stop wishing
Because my wishes never come true
But then again
I wished for a friend
And I got you
I wished to experience heartbreak
I can see that coming too

Some wear
nooses as necklaces
And scars as bracelets
But the deeper the scars
the harder to erase them
But I on the other hand
Take all the pain in
Dying from this suffocation
But my pain is slowly erasing
mostly comes with the lack of sleeping
And if you see a smile on my face I mean it

They wanted the truth
So I told them
But I guess it didn't please them
Because they tossed me aside
As if I was a broken toy
But look at us we're all broken
And we look at each other like we're not human
Just because we're messed up
And our feelings are confusing
But they treat us like we don't have any
Because to them we're all toys sometimes
So again they leave us
But who wouldn't, look at us
Leave me
And I'll be
Broken
Empty
Lost
But who cares?
So treat me like a broken toy
And I'll be forever gone

Some of us are outgoing
Some of us are shy
Some of us prefer shadows
Some of us prefer light
some of us say we're okay
Some of us are okay
Some of us don't have an option
So panic filled we accept it
Accept being anxious and shy
Hide from the light
Say we're okay
Because maybe one day
The panic won't consume us
We'll say goodbye to the shadows
as we step into the light
Someday we may be okay
So for now we accept it

Here's a poem for my mother
My favorite teacher of all
She never stood in front of a whiteboard
She didn't have me raise my hand to ask a question
She was just always there when I needed her
She taught me how to be kind
And this needed no lecture
She was just the kindest person I knew
She taught me to fall in love with language
She never led me to believe that I had a reading level
She shared with me what she wrote
And she shared with me what she read
And even if I didn't fully understand
It still felt like magic
Knowing that words could create different worlds
And she taught me how to do just that
How to create a world with language
She never had to give me a grade
Because I passed creating something I was proud of
And she still teaches me
With everything she does
And this is why to me she's the best
Teacher
Poet
And of course mom

I used to be afraid of picking up broken pieces
For a fear of getting hurt
But now it's an obsession
I observe the sharp edges
Run my fingers across jagged points
If I bleed I hope it might act like glue
I want to mend the broken pieces
Because I'm broken too
And maybe if I fix this
I can be fixed too

I thought some of my fears
Might disappear over the years
But it seems like they're here to stay
In fact over the years
More seemed to have clung on
I'm not a little girl anymore
I think I'm much to mature for that
You might say I am
And I'll just friendly smile back
It's just another judgment on your part
And I'm so used to getting judged
It seems like routine
Since elementary school
Getting judged by appearance
The voice you speak
But I didn't really have a voice
So you judged me because of that
I was always more scared of girls than guys
Girls would hurt me emotionally
Guys would hurt me physically
And that was okay
At least the pain told me I was alive

It should mean a lot
Just to be able to call you a friend
But it hurts
It hurts more than just standing back
Because from the back
I could pretend
I could pretend that it was me
The one you wanted by your side
The one you wanted to hold
The one you wanted in your life
But really it's her
It's always been her
And I can see why
I can see why it's not me
You call me your friend
I call you mine
I'm happy enough with that
That it only stings some