Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
 Jan 2017 Got Guanxi
Peartini
I am sober and my mind wanders to a place that I have tried to close off permanently...still.

I have been in love before... About 15 years ago...
I realise I am still in love with him and he is in love with me.
We have accepted and confessed to each other the bare truth.
And when we did...
When I felt my love rise out of me and land on him in Total honesty...
I felt freed and was able to say I am still in love with him, but not harnessed by it.
It does not hold me back.
Rather it pushes me forward to love again.
It also allowed me to be honest in another aspect...
I am not submissive.
I played that role for you to please you.
I enjoyed it more than I thought was possible and I truly thought that was the only way you'd like me.
This is not about you.
This is about me being a certain way for people to like me...
When I am most likeable being myself.
I am in love with you still...
But, it's tainted by the darkness of the fetish.
That first date...
The fear
My conditioning in abuse.
I learned to love throughout the summer
But it's cold now
I can't breathe
I can't remember
It just hurts
I can't get air
My lungs burn
Let me crash
Pretty please
I just want to close my eyes
Peaceful in death
Chaos in life
It's not a hard choice
Bleeding doesn't help anymore
It just reminds me of the scars summer left
My razor doesn't work
I just want to float
To the Summerland
 Jan 2017 Got Guanxi
Peartini
Finally , I realise you do not feel love for me, nor will you ever.
We speak the type of words that are cordial, fake to each other.
Difficult for me, forced for you.
We had lunch and you were hardly present with me.
I have never felt more removed from your equation than sitting across from you at that table.
You refused to share a meal with me... And the most difficult thing for me, is when you attack me from a side that is not relevant between us, politics.
I have never judged your wealth, your ethics or your politics. I have never loved you less for your arrogance or for your wandering eyes and tedious political platitudes.

I am suffering. Deeply wounded.
I take consolation that this too shall pass into memory eventually.
I think you suffer as well.
I don't think you intended to not love me.
I think your ideals were set long ago and I just didn't fit into them.
But you received love from me in way that was unconditional.
A way you haven't felt maybe ever.
So, I don't  blame you for keeping me around.
Although you may think you were selfish... I think you were thirsty for love, and I, having so much love and devotion to give...I was irresistible even to a perfect person such as you.

It will never be my fault that you were desperately seeking anything when you met me.
I was not desperate.
I looked for you, liked, wanted and decided on you.
I stopped seeing others because I chose you.
I take it as a personal insult that you think I chose you in desperation.
I found you incredibly stimulating then.
I thought you were, still think you are, exceptional.

I even believe your relationship concepts are possible, but it would have to be eyes wide shut on her part.
I don't know how to close my eyes.
I am flawed for you.

Still-
You made me happy.
You woke me up and gave me thoughts and pleasures I haven't known before.
You also gave me doubts and shame so deep I can not reconcile them.
To be with you, I resigned to the idea that I should do as you say... Not do as I please.
I have never done that before. I never put someone before me that high up, on the priority scale.
For all that I did, it was not enough.
You still left me... As I knew you eventually would.
I realised you did not love me and never will, for the second time, the day you told me I was so dark and you were white and you asked "what are we doing here?!" You were drinking and your filters were down.

My heart was drowning in sorrow so deep, I knew you couldn't see yourself with me for the long term.
I'm not your ideal.
I don't fit into your white-knight-saves-single-white-mother-submissive box.
I would give anything to fit into your ideal...
-To change myself
-To be in you good graces.
-To be loved by you.

I have given so much of me... So much I'm confused as to how I should continue...
I don't want to continue this way.
I feel a deep, volcanic anger.
I am reckless in it and there are no brakes in this frenzied state for me.
I act Tyrannic, Impulsive and Trite.
I am dangerous now.

So why do you let me be around you?
Have *** with me?
Provide for me when I need it?
Your sense of duty maybe?
You have no duty to me.
You owe me nothing.

I gave you my love in total surrender... trust and love is steeply priced.
I pushed people away, I prioritised you and me...
I moved closer to feel your protection.
I believed you when you said you loved me. That one time... Forever engrained in my head... The day you had me show my body to another for his pleasure and to prove to you I would do your bidding even against my better judgement.
I did not like it.
You lost part of me on that day.
I began to fear you.
I never said it.  
A mistake on my part.
Still I love you and thought I could get passed the humiliation with this love.
I was wrong.
I can not love enough for the two of us.
So I have made sure this road slowly, surely, comes to a fork and I choose right and put you left.
I choose to never see you again.
I choose to end all communication.
I choose to cut off all ties and when the time comes I will move and forget this mountain ridge outside my door ever existed and I will forget you.
But worse, I shall never forgive you.
Because you told me you created the bedroom and the apartment for "us"... And I naively believed you.
Because "Chip would never mislead me."
I yelled this to my mother and father once...
They told me it was not real.
That I should not be with you. And I went against their wishes.
I hurt them.
That's why I can not forgive you.

It seems all who deal with you emotionally get burned or they flee your company.
I did not understand why they would leave you if you're in love with "them".
I don't know who they are... But I should've learned from them.
Get away. Far away. Oceans away and never return.

The fork in the road is here.
I stand on the right and to my left, you become smaller and smaller. As I move forward...
You become smaller and the fissure in my heart widens.
 Jan 2017 Got Guanxi
Lia Frenae
Chocolate is great
It's really neat
But, to be the color, it's bittersweet
This is the experience of a lifetime that Hersheys must undergo
To read, to be told, to hear
That it's almost good enough
Almost pretty enough, almost smart enough
Too reserved and mannered to be this and that
Tears down almost all confidence that Hershey has
It takes away it's natural state
Like a Hershey left in the heat
It takes a while for that Hershey to find beauty again within itself, to find a true acceptance to who it really is, and the discover it's identity
To understand that it won't always make ends meet
But that Hershey will overcome this phase
That made it's life a living maze
The Hershey will wake up
Look in the mirror and see they are somebody
with a cocked up head
will forget what everyone said
and the microaggression that became so macro will soon be irrelevant
That Hershey will see it's real identity to see a girl named Aliah
Hales it was too good to be true
I don't want to wait anymore
I'm tired of going through the motions
Trying to find a way to breathe
The air is cold and harsh
I just want to be in your arms again
I want to come to you
Leave this world behind
Hales will you hate me
If I give up
Don't judge me for wanting to slip into the darkness
I know I'll find you there
I can't stand the light
I miss you Hales
I just want to be with you again....
 Jan 2017 Got Guanxi
Seher Seven
I write at night,
mostly.
once the dark sets in my line clears.
and I start to hear, on some nights,
voices within trying to get out.
so I write.
I remember the advice
that each project should be
delighted in as my first.
each new moment must be given its due.
so few seem to feel this depth.
so few of us have yet to see whats possible.

each one is just as meaningful as the next
and the last.
10 years prior or lifetimes passed.
each capture of time is best spent in it.
just in that moment.
I want to live each one out loud.
there exists a burn to devour it.
to force it down.
hunger in the belly of the beast.
passion for the minutes relief,
for the next moment that comes.

each one is a part of the song.
the song plays long and slow
spanning strings of time.
each strum follows the cords
they shift from one way to the other.
they constantly move. we are
riders on the waves
bubbling from atop. and the waves just
never stop.
they move with the clouds and air
and the water.
they keep the song playing.
listen closely to the tune.
hear her play...
she moves silently. quietly.
shifting space with her tones.

she knows those low dark tones,
she creates in these scales.
the spark is seen for only a moment,
the next ones are ruptures of more.
more new moments, being birthed in the dark.
where the true courage starts.
the fire that makes this stage go.
we forget what it takes to grow,
the light always pierces through.
it moves and shifts, reflects its gifts,
etches out vibrations previously thought gone.
coaxing itself through patterns of dark.
pressing against the sides, making its presence known.

you see I write in the dark because
the dark knows me.
I pierce through its womb with an intensity.
I am buried deep within its core.
my sound is low and it is absorbed by the ground,
by her body. she likes my sound.
she begs for it, late at night.
desiring a full cup.
I must admit there is an intense lust,
a want to feel this ****** of the light.
I wish to be the dark,
the trust, the part of us that receives
unconditionally. the receptor of things.
I have wondered if such moments were
thought for me.
to be open to receive continuously,
I think I would then experience free fully,
try I must.

and the trees are the ones who
gave it up.
helped me step my game up.
before I was walking with my head down.
it was time to grow up,
heal some family wounds,
toughen up. each time my foot touched
down I knew the alignment was perfect.
some felt like a tight squeeze,
a slow death. some I would sing
temptations breaths, I would imagine
I was somewhere else.
I didn't have the trees then.
they had to let me live.
I found them. and now we
are friends and Ill tell you it begins with just
noticing them.
really noticing them, the divine being within.
they record the memories of here.
they capture times stories, leaving air
for my womb to birth anew.
how magical do we have to get
to finally allow the truth through?

this thing we do,
this dancing celebrate,
its the dance that matters.
the movement.
the sway from one side of the planet
to the other. how the waves shift back
and forth. never pausing for a rest.
energy is in constant movement.
changing from moment to moment.
definitions always change.
things must always be redefined.
we define time.
this,
this manifestation of it,
time awaits its direction.
it awaits between the ticks,
faithful for the next moment.

and if this is the last poem I read I
could release my grip and merge
knowing that my hearts voice was left
on the page.
the truth of my soul.
everything is as it is.
designed, either for this way or the next.
everything is ok.
remember we are the head of the quartet.
we are the sound that travels from the core,
the dark steps,
we are the actual steps of the one.
our path is clearly set. and the dark awaits
the intrusion, with great angst.
creation begins again.

when I am writing I feel this within,
this darkness being enlightened
by sharp colors and bright light.
it forces my mind to cleanse.
breaks through the deep caverns
created back then, before the trees
started talking and way before now.
now I just allow it all in.
I just put my head back and open.
I receive the light and
my hunger lessens.
my core tingles and listens.
she calls the light deep within,
she calls it to the darkest of corners
and she sets me free,
confident now to say
I am no longer scared of the dark.
 Jan 2017 Got Guanxi
Alex Tolley
he left
a whirlwind of a romance in 11 months
 Jan 2017 Got Guanxi
Nerina C
Pray for her
Pray with me
Best yet pray for the better days to come
Pray for yourself
Pray for your soul
But don't forget
Pray for the sick
But most importantly
Pray for the dead who can't pray for themselves
Next page