quietly my heart sits
and waits until
a little nudge
gives me hope
because things don't
just happen for no reason
we didn't wait for so long
to meet again
only for things to fall apart
we will be okay

sometimes it breaks me
one word or phrase
a song
sends me right back to where i was
3 months ago
6 months ago
a year
and i find myself breaking
all over again

i long to feel something
some outward pain
instead of what you’ve caused
instead of my heart
being ripped in two
with your betrayal and lies

there’s a painful numbness in reliving
the words you breathed
between lying lips
and the scalding touch
you left on my heart and my body

when i bandage my bleeding wounds
it’s simple
and gives me relief
because i can see those scars
i can trace them and remember
to stop letting you in

the ones on my heart aren’t so easy to bear

have i become addicted
to feeling nothing
or feeling everything
there is no in between

it has made my skin
into paper
my cheeks dry and hollow
my skeleton visible for all
who dare look
my lips are chapped and raw
i ache in every joint
every bone
every cell
each nerve ending is raw and sensitive
it has made my head ache
and my womb become barren
my skin is velvety soft with the hair
it has grown to protect it from the cold
and i shiver
constantly i shiver
until my teeth and jaw ache
and i feel i will never be warm again

i have a deep hunger
rooted in my chest like a tangle of thorns
i need to feed it
i do not want meat
nor milk
i do not want those in my body
i hunger for less
less of me
a smaller space to occupy
how dare i take up more than my fair share
i will shrink myself
to fit the space i have deemed appropriate
and beautiful
these legs are too big
these arms are too large
my cheeks too round
these curves
cut them off
these soft spots
make them firm
shrink me
shrink me
make me disappear

that isn't me
the mirror isn't me
it's showing a shadow of a girl
a wisp of a thing
someone who is broken
whose body cannot support her heart
whose brain is hardwired for self-loathing
and hatred
this body is weak
and fragile
the spirit it houses is relegated to its corner
do not come loose
do not come near me
the desires i have are killing me
slowly
killing me
these arms these legs
these hands
beg for what i will not give it
i have become a slave
of my own mind
break these chains
and let me free

Sometimes I feel

I’m past the worst

My heart is healing 

Mended 

Scarred but still mine

Then I wake from an

Afternoon nap

And my head is full of you

My heart cracks open 

Like a glass jar

Shattered from the drop

Of remembering

And it’s starting anew

Repairing and

Replacing 

The chipped away portions 

Of my soul

I.
AT 10 YEARS OLD
I WAS ALL ENERGY AND KNOBBY KNEES
RED CHEEKS WITH BLUNT BANGS
I WAS TRYING TO GROW OUT
HEADBANDS WERE MY STAPLE
AND I ADORED MY BIG SISTER
BUT I NEVER NOTICED MY FLAWS
I RAN AROUND THAT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND
AS IF IT WERE MY OWN KINGDOM
IMAGINING THE ADVENTURES I WAS ON AND DREAMING
OF GROWING UP TO BE A VETERINARIAN
OR MAYBE A DOCTOR OR A NURSE
UNTIL YOU TOOK ME ASIDE AND TOLD ME
HOW UGLY I WAS
FAT AND RED FACED
WHAT WAS FAT?
THIS WORD DIDN’T OCCUR NATURALLY IN MY VOCABULARY
BUT SUDDENLY
I WASN’T BLIND TO WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME
THOSE RED CHEEKS
AND ROUNDNESS
BECAME MY FOCUS FOR YEARS TO COME

II.
YOU WERE SO THIN
I WAS SO FAT
OR SO I THOUGHT
BARELY 100 POUNDS OF MEAT ON MY
FIVE FOOT THREE FRAME
WE ALL WANTED TO BE SKINNY
SO WE DIDN’T EAT
OR WE DRANK NOTHING BUT DIET PEPSI
AND GOSSIPED ABOUT ALL OF THE
FAT GIRLS
I KNEW I WAS ONE OF THEM
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU POINTED OUT HOW
MY LOWER BELLY POKED OUT
AND MY HIPS WERE SO MUCH WIDER THAN YOURS
THEN SUDDENLY
I HATED THE WOMANLY PARTS OF MY BODY
THE PARTS THAT WOULD MAKE ME
ONE DAY
ABLE TO CARRY A BABY AND CREATE A LIFE INSIDE OF MYSELF
THE MAGAZINES SHOWED ME A BODY
I COULD NEVER HAVE
FOR THE STRUCTURE I WAS COULDN’T LOOK THAT WAY
NO MATTER HOW I TRIED
I AM ME

III.
I WANTED YOU TO LOVE ME
I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO ENSURE YOU DID
SO WHEN YOU SAID
I COULD STAND TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS
OR GO TO THE GYM
WHEN YOU ASKED ME IF I REALLY
NEEDED TO EAT THAT SECOND TORTILLA
OR SERVING OF EGGS
WHEN YOU POKED MY CHEEK AND TOLD ME
I HAD SIDEBURNS
I FELT ASHAMED OF THE BODY I’D GROWN
THIS FLESH AND BONE THAT HOUSED MY SOUL
WAS STILL HAUNTING ME
I HATED IT
I WANTED TO DIE
I WANTED TO PROVE MY WORTH
BECAUSE HOW MUCH WOULD THAT BE
IF THE FLESH AND BONE WRAPPED AROUND ME
WAS UGLY AND
UNPLEASING TO THE EYE
*** WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD TO OFFER YOU
AND YOU TOOK IT WILLINGLY
THANKFULLY I LEARNED QUICK
THAT YOU WEREN'T THE ONE FOR ME
AND BROKE THAT HATEFUL CYCLE

IV.
YOU COMPARED OUR BODIES
THOUGH WE WERE VERY DIFFERENT IN BUILD
AND STRUCTURE
HOW OUR BODIES GREW COULDN’T HAVE BEEN MORE DIFFERENT
IN YOUR COMPARISON
THOUGHT YOU CLAIMED IT WAS COMPLIMENTARY
I BEGAN TO DESPISE MY BODY
I KNEW I’D GROWN
I KNEW I’D GAINED WEIGHT
I LOOKED DIFFERENT THAN I USED TO
NO LONGER ABLE TO FIT INTO CLOTHES I’D ONCE LOVED
SO VERY ROUND
SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED OVER THE COURSE OF YEARS
THAT MADE ME LOVE FOOD AND ENJOY MY LIFE MORE THAN
BE CONCERNED ABOUT MY LOOKS
UNTIL YOU STARTED TO COMPARE US
THEN I OBSESSED
I WANTED TO LOOK GOOD
AND BE BETTER
THEN WHEN I DID
YOU COMPLAINED THAT
I WAS JUST SKIN AND BONES
AND THAT HURT WORSE THAN THE COMMENTS
ON MY ROUNDNESS
BECAUSE I SOMEHOW KNEW
YOU WERE RIGHT

V.
THERE WAS A VOICE THAT TOLD ME
SINCE I WAS 10
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH
YOU ARE NOT LOVABLE
THIS BODY
THE FLESH AND BONE THAT HOUSES YOUR SOUL
IT IS ALL YOU ARE WORTH
IT SOUNDED LIKE ALL OF YOU
EACH WHO HAD RUNG SUCH DOUBTS IN MY EARS
SO WHEN I PLACED FOOD INSIDE MY MOUTH
IT MADE ME CRINGE
AND MY STOMACH TURN
BECAUSE EVERY BITE WAS CALORIES
I NO LONGER CRAVED THE FOODS I ONE LOVED
SLOWLY I MELTED
I BEGAN TO SHRINK
MY SKIN BECAME DRY AND MY LIPS CRACKED
I BEGAN TO GROW VELVETY SOFT HAIR
ON EVERY BIT OF MY BODY
MY *******
ONCE FULL AND LOVELY
BECAME SMALL
MY HIPS WERE SLIGHT
AND THE BONES THAT HELD ME UPRIGHT BEGAN TO PEEK OUT
AND THEN I FELT WORTHY
AND LOVABLE
THOUGH I STILL DIDN’T LOVE MYSELF
ANYMORE THAN I HAD BEFORE

VI.
AT THIRTY I ADMITTED
I HAVE THIS DEMON
THIS VOICE
IT HAUNTS ME
EVERY SINGLE DAY
I WANT TO BURY IT
SOME DAYS I CAN
OTHER DAYS
I’M NOT THAT LUCKY
SOME DAYS I CAN ENJOY MY LIFE
FOOD IS NOT A BURDEN
OTHER DAYS
I WANT TO CRY WITH EVERY BITE I EAT
I WANT TO KEEP SHRINKING
TO MAKE MYSELF SMALLER
BUT I REALIZED
THAT I’M BIGGER THAN THIS VOICE
I AM BIGGER THAN THIS BODY EVEN
MY SOUL IS LIKE THE STARS IN THE SKY
INFINITE
AND LOVELY
AND BURSTING WITH ENERGY
LIGHTING UP THOSE AROUND ME
AND THE BODY THAT KEEPS THAT ENERGY INSIDE
IS TEMPORARY
SO WHY NOT LOVE IT NOW
WHILE I STILL HAVE THE CHANCE
BECAUSE ONE DAY
WE WILL ALL BE DUST AND
MY BODY WILL NO LONGER MATTER
BUT MY SOUL WILL FOREVER BEAR THE SCARS
THAT ARE SELF INFLICTED FROM YEARS
OF TORTURE AND SELF LOATHING
AND FROM THE HURTFUL WORDS THAT WERE SAID
OUT OF SPITE
AND OUT OF MEANNESS
AND OUT OF MISUNDERSTANDING

you promise you won't
leave me
and i believe you

Quiet and reserved,
They assume that I'm made of
Ice and rain.
Little do they know
There is fire inside of me.

Flames rushing from my heart,
Nearly bursting from my fingertips.
It's quick and searing; a wolf,
Made of smoke and white hot ash.
I see everything.
I feel too much, too deeply.

Emotions are amplified.
Pain. Joy. Sorrow. Anger. Fear.
They linger, feeding the ardent creature,
Filling him with what he needs to
Protect me.
Each one is distinct in the impact
They have on the beast inside.

The wolf howls, cries out,
Longing to be shown to the world.
I keep him hidden only in the
Desire to protect that part of myself.
Because should something happen
To that wolf, that fiery beast,
I would be lost.

So I will silently rage,
Burning, smoldering in my chest.
My mask will be calm
While my eyes show the fire,
The snarling wolf,
Only to those who take the
Time to notice

I was scared

Terrified really
To let you see the real me

I had made so many mistakes

And my soul was bruised

Battered

Full of anger 

And world weary

But you held your hand out

Encouraging me to speak

To bare my soul

And so I did

Letting each piece of my armor

Chip away until I stood

Raw and naked 

My heart exposed and

My soul uncovered

You watched and listened

Examining each corner of me

While I waited 

With shaking hands 

And knots in my stomach

Then you smiled

And laughed 

And told me it wasn’t all that bad

Your sun reached 

The very depths of my soul

Lighting those dark parts

I thought were long gone

And warming the coldness that

I had let consume me

Until I was shining 

And light

Happiness personified

And that’s when I found myself

In your brown eyes

And your goofy smile

In your gasping laugh and

Your perfect hugs

And I never once looked back.

i know that heaviness
the kind that keeps you from moving
freely and without thought
the kind that roots you to your fears
your worry
and the little nagging voice that
tells you you're not enough

i know that sadness
the kind that feels like a deep deep ache
in your bones
and in your heart
it hurts you
your body is sore
and your mind is raw

i know that knot in your stomach
the one that comes and goes
but comes more than goes
frequent and hard
ice cold and crippling
it makes it hard to move
and hard to sleep
hard to do anything

i know that hunger
the way your heart
and mind
and very soul craves someone to
tell you that you're okay
that you're just fine the way you are
that there is nothing wrong with you

i know that anger
how it makes you feel like you're
going crazy
losing your grasp on reality
but everything sets you off
because it's so hot
and fresh
even when it's old

i know
i know

trust me,
i know.

there's anticipation in the air
a hint of something to come
my soul can't see if it's good or bad
and it's unnerving

all i know is that my stomach is
knotted in this waiting
for something that i don't know
will come or when
maybe it's just the threat of the unknown
the lingering anxiety that comes with time

all i know is that i want it to stop
and let me rest
let my mind and heart be at peace
and let me feel that comfort that comes
with familiarity

Loving you is
An acute sort of pain
One that has left me
Raw and empty
Or too full to process
There is no in between
And as a result
I no longer trust myself
And I'm afraid
That I'll be forever changed
Now that you have
Shown me what it is like
To love
And lose
You

i want too much or
nothing at all
there is no in between
and i shatter my bones
trying to find
balance
it swings back at me
like a rubber band
sharp
and painful
and reminds me of
all the selfish desires
i have
bruised heart and dark needs
i ask too much
i ask too much
i cannot stop
leaving a trail of damaged souls
and bloodied bodies in my wake
someone stop me
anyone

anxiety
is an ocean inside of me
swelling and pulling
away away away
from sanity
then crashing against my ribs
and crushing my heart with
the force of it
it is making my bones brittle
my teeth grind together
my skin dry and papery
and i am suddenly
not enough
the relentless blackness is
drowning me
my fingers are scrambling
to find a handhold
so i won't be swept away
in the oppressive
knot that is building in my chest
where my heart used to be
it has doused the flame
you call cassidy
and left a quiet shadow
in its place

stupid
blind
thoughtless
selfish
impatient
and hard to love
toxic
tattoo them on my skin
across my eyelids
and underneath my fingernails
so i won't forget
what a monster i am

a buzzing
numbness
rolls through
my veins
and up my spine
into my brain
softening the blow
of life
and love
and all the *******
in between
sweet softness
that makes me smile
through the pain
and forgive quickly
even to those who
do not deserve
my kindness

i do miss this

waiting waiting waiting
time is rushing past me
as i stand
perfectly still
and wait
i'm scared
no
i'm terrified
my fear has become a knotted
tangled mess
deep in my chest
just there
between my ribs
i want to believe it
i want to
but the waiting
time is marching on
the endless string of events
has left me breathless
and doubtful
no longer able to see the light

i'm afraid
i have kept it inside
strangled it
choked it
so it wouldn't escape
but it fell out through
my words
i'm sorry
i don't want to be a burden
my fears threaten to
take me over
if i am not careful
so i will tie them down
bind their mouths
and keep them in the
darkest parts of me
so they will not color
the space between
you and i

when i felt weak
encouragement spilled from your lips
never did i fear
the darkness of my future
for you taught me well

a quilt over these mountains
covering everything while they sleep
so deeply
tree and flowers and animals
resting their tired bodies
and weary heads
i'll rest too
for a while
my body is tired
my head is weary
i am not so different from these beasts
we have struggled this year
to protect ourselves
to provide
to grow and change in preparation for
our futures
these few weeks we're given
at the close of every year
to renew ourselves are a precious gift
appropriately timed
a gift from a father who is very far
and yet very close
all at once
rest now
with me
prepare for the changes ahead
the growing pains we will feel
the twists and turns in our hearts
and the ways our souls will stretch
to accommodate the new encounters
and new love
we face
this is the time for rest
and quiet growth
reflection and love
as we come together with friends and family
while the world is white
and the mountains are silent
all flora and fauna preparing for
the renewal of spring

i wish
i never met you
that i left it at hello
that when you confessed how you felt
i had ignored it

i wish
i hadn't kissed your soft lips
or learned the ways you melt
felt your skin slide against mine
or felt your fingers touch me so intimately

i wish
i didn't know how you sounded when
i made you moan
that you didn't know how to
turn me into a puddle of desire

i wish
you hadn't lied to me
that you hadn't betrayed my trust
that i had been enough
i didn't make you so sad for so long

i wish
you still wanted me
that i didn't want you anymore
that i didn't crave you
we could relive our last moments together

i wish
your name didn't sting
our memories weren't tainted by lies
i didn't overthink everything
or could forget you

i miss you i miss you i miss you
the words are bitter on my lips
they taste like anguish
heartbreak deception betrayal
so easy for you
careless as you were with my heart
(it's not enough)
i can't help that there's a canyon
at least five hundred miles wide
where your name used to be
i can't rid myself of you
or what i thought was love
it is the shadow beneath my eyes
and the hollow at my throat
the quickening pulse at my wrist
and the blade along my thigh
(laughable)
looking back now
i want to laugh
but it catches in my throat
because i remember the sweet ache
i felt when
i held you kissed you touched you
my fingers curl and flex
itching to wrap around something
anything
(a knife a bottle a throat)
that could possibly dull this sharpness
it's pushing between my ribs
like a slow knife to the heart
every time i think i am
done with you
i fall into that canyon again
and am lost to myself

in the war
between dark and light
i am lost
in no man's land
my skin aches
i am collateral damage
just leave my body
resting in the mud
rain will soothe these wounds
as i allow memories
to pass across my eyelids
every man for himself
so i won't fault you
for leaving me behind
i am crippled
broken and ******
but i do not fear
i know that i will be
at peace
when i finally close my eyes

pain in my chest
no not that kind
i hurt
physically
yes
but deeper
and more to the right
yes there
feel it?
my heart beats a little slower
the cracks are slowing it down
i thought they were sealed up
didn't you?
i thought they were mended
i suppose i was wrong
this pain is self inflicted
a deeper sting
i could take a slap in the face
a bullet to the back
or a knife across my throat
but this?
not this
not this
when the pain is of my own doing
it causes jagged scars
and deep deep wounds
wounds that take ages to heal
if they heal at all
but i will take it
i'll hold onto this pain
as a reminder of all the ways
i have hurt myself
and you
and everyone i love

you think your actions have no effect on me;
well you have never been more wrong
you may not want to be a part of my life
but you are toying with my heart
and my feelings
and i cannot forgive that

at what point will i stop being hurt
by people
who have no place in my life?

a rose
by any other name
wouldn't

but wouldn't it?
thorns that left me bleeding
pricked and raw
wounds that won't heal
no matter how i care for them
a dangerous garden
which had no posted warning sign
i went in blindly
no
not blindly
just stubbornly lustful
for what i would find within
eyes closed willingly to the
hurt
that i would surely endure
well now i'm sorry
regretful as my tears fall
like blood
from so many wounds
no
i will accept my fate
i will live with my choice
and linger no more
in the darkness of this garden

the nakedness of your
body
and your
soul
haunt me
they are the ghost that
follows me around
in my sleep
in my daydreams
i wish i could erase it
but in that same breath
i don't want to
i want to burn you into
my brain
and live this quiet torture
forever