sometimes, in highly inappropriate moments,
like when i am at church or driving or watching a movie with my sisters,
your hands ghost over me and my blood turns to fire again.
i can feel the little circles rubbed on my arm with a surprising tenderness,
i can feel legs twisted up with mine,
i can feel soft lips against my neck and a voracious appetite at my jawline.
goosebumps spread up my body as my toes curl and my face flushes,
and i remember all too well.

my mind is nothing but quick sand
a thought gripping me
pulling me down
until I am consumed
thoughts that I do not own
tug and pull
I have never been enough
my hair is unruly
my smile is crooked
my heart is no longer whole
I am not as strong or stable
as I once was
but I will do my best to love you
and seep through your wounds
to be your antidote for any poison
that pains you
I will do my best to be
your button down coat
that keeps you comfy and warm
I will do my best for you
this sand will not swallow me
and I will dig myself out
I will be myself again
I cannot move forward
without you
when I am me, my mind
will dance with yours
the way my body does
when you move, I move with you

maybe then I will be enough

i keep telling myself to stop using you to self medicate

but the sound of your name is enough to close my wounds

remember the night I told you that you're my home and that

i wrote my poems on my skin because i wanted to place them somewhere you would notice

i asked you to take me to the mountains so we could fall in love at the highest peak

you said you wanted to reach into the sky and pull down a star for me

i don't even know who i am anymore. i'm stuck between the person i was before you and the person i am with you.

and now you're gone

sincerely, a girl who could never apologize for loving you