one day
the clear, endless water
will no longer remind me of you
because you do not deserve that
you are more raging seas
than calm ocean
when i look at you
i should feel the danger
of rough surf
rather than enticement
and the pull of the tides
i will break away
because i know
what a storm like you causes
a destruction
i am still recovering from

s.s

i do not understand
i     do    not     understand

how can someone brighten all your darkness
yet strip away your light
how can someone fix all your broken pieces
yet break them more than ever
how can someone promise to stay by your side
yet abandon you at the first opportunity
how can someone leave you when they said they wouldn't
yet expect you to be there when they crawl back
how can someone tell you that you don't care about them
yet you have told them countless times you care more than ever
how can someone tell you they will just forget about you
yet you could never erase them from your memory

i just do not understand
how can love be such a contradiction

s.s

it was the color of your eyes, the ones i first fell for
the color that would turn electric when you smiled
or soften when you looked my way
it was the color of the shirt you left at my house
the one that resided by my side at night
the same color you wore when things went south
it was the color of the clear, endless sky
on those days we walked hand in hand
with me believing the sky would never turn dark
it was the color of the lake when i sat at the dock
staring into the deep murky shade
wishing it was lighter to mimic your eyes
it is the color i create
to dance with blacks and purples
across my skin at night
still wishing you were here by my side

s.s

how many dead kids will it take
before our system realises it’s corrupted

how many slit wrist will it take
before our system sees that peace has been disrupted

how many meds have to be prescribed
before our system notices hate has erupted

how many hurting people will it take
before our system admits
the way it raises its children is destructive

s.s

Let me love you
You should love me
Either way do it or not
Because I'm not waiting
any longer
I'm alone sitting here
Alone because nobody is with me
and again my mind kills me
with thoughts about the world
how it could be
without me?

i truly do love you
that’s the hardest part of this
i feel guilty for what i'm thinking
for the blood stains on my wrist

you say you care about me
i don't know why i don’t believe it
you ask me how i'm doing
i’m doing worse, but won't admit it

i want better things for you
than the chaos in my mind
i’ve put you through too much
but for some reason, you've stayed all this time

my head is spinning
things are getting worse
i contemplate leaving
and this isn't a first

i don't tell you enough
how appreciated you are
life is tough
but you make it worth it by far

i’m doing my best to fight it
as my skin turns black and blue
but there’s one thing i can admit
i truly do love you

s.s

i could tell you stories
of sweet little girls
holding the hands of boys
who make their hearts twirl
of boys bringing roses
to girls with sweet smiles
of couples that last
and walk down the aisle
or i could tell you the truth
the brutal reality
where love is cruel
and far from a fantasy

s.s

i could write books about you
novels solely of your existence
stories surrounding your being
but i wouldn’t dare
for the second i write it down
it becomes real
in black and white
right in front of me
staring back at me
and i can no longer pretend
that what i feel
isn’t real

s.s

someone once told me
the person you think of
when you stand in front of the ocean
is the person you're in love with
and now
i'm staring out over the endless blue
that mimics your eyes perfectly
and you're the only thought
running through my mind
but my insides are crashing
like the waves on the shore
and i want to take our memories
and drown them
beneath these hungry waves
where they can no longer
run through my mind
because why should i drown
in these thoughts
these distant memories
when i could drown them
in the chaos of this restless sea
where maybe then
i can finally be at peace

s.s

i can feel the weight of the world
cracking my bones
as it rest upon my shoulders
causing floorboards to moan
pressing down on my being
suffocating as so
as i struggle to stand
but the weight just won't go

s.s