katalin: Poems

314 · Dec 2020

in my head

katalin Dec 2020

i like to dream about my life. in my head
i visit old places, i replay painful memories,
i watch myself grow, i try to grasp about my future self,
i paint the sights i've come across once,
i imagine my first apartment - maybe even a garden,
i dream about all of the possibilities,
i wander through every direction.

i like to read my old self
through pages, through smells, through songs.
i like to visit my childhood
through pretty words, through the right angle of light, through films;
i dream about my life; i dream about the universe itself.

#life #growing #learning #peaceful #universe

271 · Feb 2021

i wish you knew

katalin Feb 2021

i wish you knew

i think of you every day;
when i look at the sunset i wonder if you're looking at it too
only you can make me smile so easily
your presence erases all the times i felt blue.

#love

155 · Jul 2020

the scenery that carved itself in my memory

katalin Jul 2020

the scenery that carved itself in my memory

and as the shadows lenghtened
my cat and i
we settled down on an unused staircase
leading to a door that isn’t going anywhere
sun poured its gold all over us
as we bathed in momentary bliss
my tummy served as a cushion for his paws
caressed him as he was slowly fell asleep
showering him with delicate kisses on his forehead

and i wondered
how many evenings like these
have i missed
hidden in my room
with this heaven at my fingertips

scared by how okay i would be
with dying in that moment

#peaceful

113 · Mar 2020

it's hard to leave out the sad stuff

katalin Mar 2020

it's hard to leave out the sad stuff

soft hazel hair dancing in the wind
time doesn't exist; never-ending bliss
flowers bending, hypnotic rhythm
with no urge to resist you completely submiss.
this is heaven.
this is it.
destination reached.
you look up to the sky; as you close your eyes
you feel the warmth
of the sun
kissing your face.
you finally found your place.

112 · Mar 2020

one of those evenings

katalin Mar 2020

one of those evenings

last string of sunlight reaches through the branches before it disappears,
my sheets tinted orange,
lingering headache, heavy eyelids,
chopin slowly fading out in my head
the window's open; cold air-kissed skin,
these moment, these fragments i cherish,
saving them for the times they'll be gone.

#fragments

110 · Jan 2021

him

katalin Jan 2021

him

i keep coming back to you
in the same manner i come back to a poem i can't figure out

103 · Mar 2021

-

katalin Mar 2021

-

i like to stain the paper
i like to see the bruises
burns and cuts.

100 · Feb 2021

Untitled

katalin Feb 2021

Untitled

everything was in its place
yet something felt unfamiliar
known faces changed beyond recognition
time flew lazily like a melted caramel
i could see other people' lips moving fast, forming words, creating sentences,
but everything was almost muted, like i was in a bubble
perhaps i visited parallel universe
perhaps i slept too little
or perhaps none of this was real and i noticed some glitch
day passed like a fog, i went to bed and lay my head down
and hopefully shook of this day

81 · Sep 2020

youdonthavetohide

katalin Sep 2020

youdonthavetohide

you don't have to hide it under long sleeves when you are with me
it hurts so much to see you go through the hell i just got out of
i know, you are a complicated person, you don't like to open up
i know, i saw it, i saw your scars, i feel you getting distant.
you're here and yet you're not
you are slowly dissolving, falling apart, dying
when i hug you it feels like i'm not hugging anyone
when we talk your mind does not come back
instead, it travels in the darkness, drowning in loops and tunnel-visions.

is my worst nightmare coming true?
are you leaving?
please come back
we miss you.

don't leave me here.

im scared.

73 · Sep 2020

everything hurts

katalin Sep 2020

everything hurts

only if you saw yourself
the way i see you.
only if you knew
how much i care about you.

71 · Sep 2020

thoughts

katalin Sep 2020

thoughts

over the times i created so many versions of myself
sometimes it's difficult to keep up

but now i can tell i'm getting better
although the many obstacles and up and downs
in spite of everything i've done to myself
i somehow manage to keep myself up

still, i get scared of the thought of going where people are
still, unkind words about me hurt
still, i often regret what i say and how i act

but i grow stronger every time

found this in my drafts. it made me smile.

69 · Sep 2020

ups and downs

katalin Sep 2020

ups and downs

we keep getting overwhelmed
we keep falling down
we keep making mistakes

yet we got through
the hardest times
with our knees bruised
and our vision blurred

but still

we made it

looking back, staying alive was the best decision i could've possibly make at that time.

— The End —