I don't know the last time
I saw your house.

I guess I always thought
I could go back one more time.
It never occurred to me
That one day it would cease to be
My home.
Your home?
Home.

Your kitchen replays
In my head -
Your happy place,
Where you were busy,
Doting and loving,
Decorating the home
In curry smells and
Forgetting to sit,
Forgetting to eat.

Busy has always been
Your coping strength
And I know you busy yourself
In your new kitchen,
Living with family,
But not being needed
The same way he needed you.

I wonder if you will find
peace in solitude
Or comfort in family
Or if you will find yourself so busy
That you don't even have to think
About losing your home.

Before you,
I always assumed
Falling in love felt like skydiving;
Those butterflies,
Nervous flutters,
That only subsided
When your feet touched the ground
And you were still alive.

I never knew
That falling in love
Was really the moment before
You fall asleep;
When you are cuddled up
Beside your favourite person
And you realize
Nothing could feel as peaceful
As you do, right then.

Falling for you
Feels like coming home;
Like security;
Like friendship;
Like falling in love
Is supposed to feel.

Miss Holly,
You would have had
Just the most beautiful smile
And the brightest eyes.
I am sure your laugh
Would have lit up my world
And I know our souls would sing
When we saw each other.

But I also know
We would have hard times,
Maybe more hard times,
And I don’t want to bring you into the world
To struggle, beside me.
Maybe we might have had
Good days and weeks, even months,
But I am coming out of
The hardest chapter in my life
And you are not the closure
This chapter needs.

I don’t know
If I will ever have children
Who live on this side of my mind,
But you will always live
Inside my heart.

I don’t know if you realize
Your strength,
Your kindness,
Your love
Or how you changed my life
Before you could talk
And how you still make it better
Every day.

I would not be
Who I am today
If not for watching you grow
And loving every moment of it

Life has hit you
With chaos,
With harsh winds,
With disregard
And you still stand,
Even with tears in your eyes,
To fight again.

I know you are
My baby sister
And I lived into my teens
Before you were even imagined,
But I still gain inspiration
From knowing you
And I am a better person
For having you
In my world.

It has been two months
Since you left me,
Since I moved out of our home,
Since I refused to go back,
Even after you begged me to stay,
Two months
Since I told you I loved you,
Or laid in your arms,
Or cried all alone
Or felt you walk away.

Two months
And I started growing stronger
Investing in myself
Instead of someone who only wants me
When it is convenient
or easy
or useful.

Two months
And here I stand
Knowing I am so much better off
And I know life will have
Such better days for me,
Filled with love
Or beauty,
Or myself.

You shattered me into a million pieces
and I couldn't help but pick the scabs.
I didn't even know who I was when I finally left,
but I deadbolted the door and I walked away.

I walk on, with no destination in mind
but there is a treasure map with a glowing X
that says "healing."

When I call out to you,
I know what I really need
is to be validated,
understood, loved.

I now recognize
that no matter what I do,
you are not capable of giving me
what I need.

Tonight I will give myself
the compassion I tried to give to you.
Tonight I will give myself
the love I desire,
the love I deserve.

It is hard to watch
As you stumble through,
Not knowing
Who you are

I know you need
Space and time
To figure out this world
But I am standing nearby,
To catch you
If you fall

I’m right here
I’ve been there

You are never alone