my sister thought my mother
had died on her lap;
she walked to the bathroom
inside that depthless hospital hotel.

the putrid smell of life and death
all through-out this concrete heaven
and hell.

at the age of fifty-four
my mother's bones would
carry no more weight.

her gentle heart
her forgiving mind
her words so strong

but mine,
they are forced out
by constricted wind-pipes
and angry words

i glanced down at the cot, where my mother died
as I made contact with my mother's pale-blue eyes
she looked at me with the most helpless,
childish face I've ever seen.
as if to say:
"he isn't here.. where is he...
where could he be?"

she lived thirty more minutes.

he arrived a few hours later, asking:
"how's she doin'?"

never take for granted,
someone's borrowed time.

When Morgan died,
you sat on the floor with me
and strummed your guitar.
We just sang the words,
"you give and take away
still I will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name"
for what seemed like an eternity.

That was the most broken eternity
I have ever lived.
But never in my life
have I felt so cared about.

Thank you for not trying to give me advice.
It meant so much more when you sat and sang
while I sobbed and wept.

That night would have been a darker hell
ending in the deepest regrets
if it weren't for you.

from time to time, I still think of you.

how we used to get by...

how I fell beneath one-thousand shades;
sunrise orange, and dainty red.            
learning we were both
capable of the          
                         tilt,
                               turn,
                                       twist,
                                                 and
                                                             ­    verge.                           

I used to thank you
for spending the nights
in the living-room.
Instead of his room.

You would say,
"I like falling asleep with you,
but waking up next to him."

Yes, the bitterness is
mostly gone.
                                                           ­    
                                                            ­        
I still think of you
every now and then

today,
I awoke
as if we were
still the past.
constantly, and
ineffectually
hounding after
the future.
only to be forever
preserved in the present.
we are the
exact moment
when you have forgotten
a fading dream.
an entire world,
lost in your sleep.

I didn't mind stepping on
Grass, dirt, differences,
And broken promises
the whole night
If it meant I could see the faces
That have become all too unfamiliar.

It was like looking at the night sky
For the billionth time
Except the stars that you knew had their places,
No longer did.
But the sky was still beautiful

Your voice
Pierced through me the way it always has
But with words that no longer made sense,
Words that forced it's way
Through a crowd of people you called
"Cool".

There was no problem with that, I tell you
But
My heart sank to the soles of my feet
In uncertainty
Because
You never liked that word,
"Cool".
You once told me that we were better off
Different

I grasped your hand for the first time
Since the last awkward silence,
And shook it.
Except you returned it with a grip
That felt like it belonged to someone else.
You smiled a smile that wasn't yours
Your teeth shone a light more strobe than candle

You told stories of laughter
But they were no longer about our adventures of fighting dragons and saving the helpless.
They were about jumping into the lakes
Not to enjoy the water
But to show off that new tan and flaunt that new body

And I could have sworn
Amidst the chaos you presence caused
And the enthusiasm of your story telling,
I heard you introduce yourself to me again.
But it sounded like you were saying:
"this my name but this is no longer my personality"

As my heart sank, my hopes followed
Because I was certainly standing before
A person with a piercing personality
A person with the same hands and the same feet
A person who lit up the whole room
A person who was, undoubtedly, beautiful

But that person was no longer
You

sometimes I get the urge
to talk to you
somedays I want more than anything
to see your face
every single day I long
to feel your eyes piercing mine

I want to remember
the gentleness of your voice
I'm uncontrollably craving
to be captivated by your love

I need to be lost
in the warmth of your smile
I really just want
to be with you again

but I can't
because you're dead.


*m.w.