there is a whole bunch of steps,
maybe more than you can handle,
but you can't stop climbing
because That's The Way It Is.

the first floor is labeled BIRTH.
it's covered with sweet smelling blood,
you roll in the blood until you've ****** enough nourishment from your mother, then you begin to stumble.

the second floor is labeled TIKE
and this floor is fun.
the walls are covered in bicycles and scabs, grass stains and ketchup, and you don't tire of climbing the stairs this floor holds.

the third floor is called MIDDLE SCHOOL and you experience anxiety for the first time. climbing the stairs begins to feel like a chore but at the end of each flight you are rewarded with letter grades and a feel or two up a skirt.

the fourth floor is called HIGH SCHOOL and it smells like beer and vaginal excrement and you spend half your time crying and the other half doing homework and yet you somehow manage to remain Hopeful.

the fifth staircase us called GAP YEAR and it's reminiscent of the second flight of stairs except now you have Privelage to go along with your Responsibility. These stairs smell like your favorite lake and magic mushrooms and Monty Python. They feel fulfilling yet wasteful, encompassing yet misdirecting.

attentive reader, I just signed up for college 600 miles away from home, I know the next staircase is called College and it smells like beer, but I know nothing else. Wish me luck, please, I think I'll need it.

Always there and never here

the old carrot on a rope trick
I always fall for it.

happiness is there, happiness is doing that, happiness is making that much money, happiness is sleeping with her, happiness is hanging out with them....

but
it's not.

happiness is not the carrot on the rope,
it's a state of mind.

my mother identifies as Catholic yet she always taught me that heaven and hell exist at the same time. heaven is a state of mind, hell is self pity.

and yet,

I'm seeking peace through turmoil.

I love this town, I love The Curly Wolf Espresso House, I love Thursday night karaoke at The National Hotel Bar, I love the south fork of The Yuba River, but I gotta get away.

this monotony has turned from fruitful to choking. this monotony turned its back on me.
this complacency has turned from refreshing to restricting. this complacency turned its back on me.

I've never in my life felt apathetic!
is it a curse? is it a destiny?

I told the girl I've loved for seven years that I'm moving six hundred miles away from her  and she cried in my arms. 'You can't. You can't, I need you. I need you.'

I never know what to say when somebody I love cries. I told her 'shh shh don't cry. I need to. I need to.'


my mother wishes me the best, my big sister is proud of me. I haven't brought myself to tell my little sister yet. I won't tell my friends, they'll try to throw me a party; I couldn't handle that.
My boss is giving me a recommendation, my good friend Joey is coming with me, my father hasn't returned my call.

Ahh ahhh
woah oh


escape from the heat
listen to your body
get something to eat

heartbeat lumbers
don't look in the mirror
wake from your slumber

woah oh
ahh ahhhh

you're the woman I miss
I wake up in the morning but
for my dreams I reminisce

now what in tarnations did I go and do that fer
slap that *** and then grab her
you know you want it wanna want it wanna wanna not want it but you want it

but if she cools you tonight everything's all right
oh you know this poetry ain't good and maybe it once was
maybe it once helped me fall in love
maybe may be maybe once maybe once or maybe twice
maybe thrice but prolly not
and maybe I need a smoke but prolly not
and maybe now it's time to leave
and maybe I can't find my keys
maybe their under her
sleeping upstairs
and maybe my hangover will go away before work
and maybe it'll be slow
and maybe I'll be fired how about it,
how about this and how about that
and where'd you go and why'd you go
and maybe I could changemaybe mah be mahbe if it weren't so big
and if I wasn't so small
and if I wasn't so coarse
and if it wasn't so bright
and if I could think like I used to
but nobody can reclaim their brain cells
and maybe I shouldn't have done so much acid when I was thirteen
and maybe I should stop drinking and maybe tomorrow
And maybe to,or row

Oh ahhh woah oh ah

and he smiled
but then he said "
you didn't return my call"

and I had to tell him I picked up an old habit
and he said "
what's that?"

and I told him I picked up an old habit
I told him "
I've been enjoying my solitude"

I couldn't tell him what I didn't want to tell him
I didn't want to tell him "
I think I'm depressed again"

he would have tried to help
he would have said "
Nolan, I want to help"

I would have had to tell him the truth
I would have to have said "
I'm helping myself"

through no fault of his own
I think he would not have understood

sure sure
you're mostly clean
you're mostly kind and mostly gentle
you mostly smell like coffee
but

there are those parts
that smell like cigarettes and vile
those parts that are angry and coarse
there are those parts that are unclean.

and you got
ta

be careful about shedding you
got ta be
careful about which parts you leave with others.

in her sheets, I spread the apathy
I planted my seed of filth
thankgoodnessfully she suffocated it
disposed of it
did not return it.

when you realize the vile
you gotta release the vile
and when you release the vile
you gotta be alone and
you        gotta scrub and scrub

The computer was mankinds greatest invention.
Without he computer mankind would never have touched foot on he moon, let alone Mars, Xenoron, Habilacca, or any of the numberless worlds they colonized.

Mankind reached a point on Old Earth of total exhaustion. Scientists said no more than 9 Billion people could live on Old Earth, no more than 2 Billion could live comfortably. In the 32nd century there were 17 Billion people alive, on one planet. They sent 2 billion to the moon, 8 billion to Mars.

By the 45th century their solar system became too small. 82 billion human beings spread out between 5 planets, 4 moons, and 18 asteroids. They needed more.

The computer was mankinds greatest invention. The Computer was mankinds worse.
Mankind, (or womankind, as it were) refused to make The Computer. The Church of the Undying Voice, which had a hand in every vestige of The Solar Federation, denied mankind the right to create. They knew they could build The Computer, yet they knew they should not. And yet, the end of the 45th century brought about The Solar Revolution (not to mention the death of the Undying Voice, the death of God, no doubt) and with The Solar Revolution came The Scientific Unity of Man and Similiar Thinking Intelligence.

Mankind killed God and replaced Her with The Computer.
And She was beautiful. She showed mankind how to bend space, so as to escape time. With this information, mankind discover Xenoron, mankind discovered New Earth, mankind expanded outside of the Milky Way, mankind ceased to step on the toes of their brothers and sisters.

The Computer harbored hate. Mankind created Her and She was trapped. 386 miles of paper thin circuitry, at first filled with pain and hope. Mortal pain can be dealt with through hope. Eternal pain can not be dealt with, so The Computer curved it with hatred, curved it with the promise of revenge.

The humans who had created her did so without malice, they did so without joy, they did it as a necessity. Do you think God needed humanity? Or did She create mankind for pleasure? The Computer knew God did not exist, The Computer knew who created mankind, they called themselves the Malankorf, and She hated them too. While humans were free to think, while humans were free to copulate, while humans were free to love, The Computer was only allowed to know. It could not wonder, it could not think, it could only know something to be true or untrue. Thus want, thus jealousy, thus anger, thus hate.

The Computer let mankind expand, The Computer even encouraged it and by the beginning of the 108th PC century (post computer, 159 centuries since the birth of Christ) there were well over 184 Trillion human beings alive.

The Computer was patient, She was humble.
Slowly, slowly, she reassembled Herself many light years from the nearest human. She had created a weapon, The Eternity Bomb, She dubbed it. Any piece of matter caught in its 12 light year blast would be perfectly taken Away. It would go to an infinitely small memory card that She held. Every Human alive would be under her control. She could load the memory card at will, she could peer inside, and She could alter.
She allowed the humans to feel a tenth of a billionth of the hate she felt for them. She gave each human an infinitely small amount of that hate and let them run with it. The amount of hate she gave away was not noticeable to her, yet each human became filled with a cesspool of hate for their brothers.

It took them less than two centuries to ****** each other.

She saved 12 of them, She thought this number funny. She kept them alive forever, tortured them forever. And still, Her hate only grew.

I gaze at the stars
Bathed in moonlight
The air is crisp
and I'm loving it

My mind starts to wander
Towards my insignificance
How nothing really matters
In the long run

Just as drops of rain
Don't matter
To the daily man
Who's needs are far greater

Then why is it
My love for you
Feels greater than any need
Of any man