i despise that feeling
and yet it's one i know so well  

now a familiar friend
with a cold embrace
it's painful, but in a way it gives release  

i pour out my being at your feet
giving you every last part of me
from the sour
to the bittersweet

perhaps i'm far too broken
to be loved like the rest
to even ask for a love
is something too much to ask

a hopeless romantic
this i cannot deny
but with each heartbreak that becomes me
that small part of me dies

a bitter old woman with no lover to share
only weathered photographs along with distant memories

is that going to be me?

living with the pain of loving you without you loving me

tell me just this

did i at least make you happy?
even just a second?
was there any moment you felt complete?

did i do to you the same, as you had done to me?

if only you were the one
for with you
there was a moment
when home was within your arms
and your love met every need

but once again alone
with that feeling

they met every week,
and sang the songs they knew by heart
they closed their doors, and shut out the world
at least, for an hour or two

they knew each other well,
considered them friends and even brothers
they may not have had anyone else
but they always had one another

they told each other secrets, but never their own
sure, they made mistakes, but they weren't like the others that lead lives of vanity
no, they were good

they sacrificed pleasure, and even their dreams
to appeal to a force more powerful than them
and if a brother was going astray,
they were quick to snap him back to the right path,
or to gently push him outside their doors

they were just
they always did what was right even if it was hard
for they believed in black and white,
right and wrong
they believed in fair punishment

if it meant shutting out their own son
they were more than willing to do it

they loved each other,
they tore each other apart.

everything stands right in front of me.
all of my hopes, all of my dreams.
all that i hoped is now within reach.
this was all i ever wanted.

i worked so hard.
i got so far.
this was all i ever wanted,
but it’s still not enough.

i should be happy,

but i’m not.

so i stand back and watch the fruit rot.

it's everything and nothing all at once.
what has happened, and what’s to come.
the ones still here, the ones that are gone.
i see them all, all at once.
the secrets found out, the ones never told.
eventually, they’ll all turn into ghosts.
and i’ll join them in their ghoulish parade.
then, maybe then, things will be ok.

i proved it to myself.
i proved it to them all.
i got everything i wanted.
i got nothing at all.

times arrow will move forward and keep marching on.
i'll stand back and with my fruit i'll rot.
it's everything and nothing all at once.

The images of who I used to be
Fluttering, slipping through my very fingers like
Fine salt and sand
Perhaps they were never mine to begin with

Not the images of who i used to be but
Images of who I desperately wanted to be
Of whom i never was
Which begs to ask

Who am i then?

Will i ever find you?

There’s a heavy statement laying on my throat,
Stopping my speech but not my incessant thoughts

Do i want to find you?

You see, I often look in the mirror, looking for the layers underneath,
The meaning and beauty often found within, but
My fear is, no layers will ever be found, that all there is is
The emptiness watching me back with void eyes

Do i want to find you?

Devoid is what i feel when alone, a sense of not being enough to withstand what is normally withstood,
Loneliness has, at times, been my only friend

Do i want to find you?

I find in my books the people that I want to be,
Filled with a passion and pride that I can never seem to find but,
They must have something right

I find in the eyes of others who i want to be,
Those that sparkle with a sort of desire,
A true sign of being in love with the present, with life
I see this beauty that can’t be found within my own
What do they have that i don't?

Perhaps it was misplaced? I lost it along the way.
Perhaps it was never something i had in the first place
Perhaps I am to only find this sparkle within the eyes of others, never my own
Perhaps it is selfish to want it for myself

Do i want to find you?



Alone,
But you are with me
both of us wish to be somewhere else

Alone,
Do you want to be found?
Or is it better to pretend you don’t exist?

Alone,
You stare back at me,
Defiance, is that what I see?

Or perhaps this is your way of mocking me?

To dare i think that there’s something deeper under my skin
There’s nothing but bone, bone, bone
nothing but me, me, me
Nothing more

The images of who i thought i was

A mask i wore well for so long

I had even fooled myself into the role

The mask is as deep as it gets

The truth that i wish to avoid
I’ve known you my whole life, but I don’t know you

What a poor lover i am indeed

Will you, along with the others, also leave?

They all leave, eventually
There’s no reason to stay  
Wallow in self pity and
The infantile need
Stay stay stay stay please
If not just for a few more moments
Stay with me, please
just don't leave me

Images of you
Images of me
Images of those that would’ve stayed
If I wasn’t me

Flashing
Camera roll shots

If only I wasn't me

Lovers
Friends

If only I wasn’t me

The sparkle in your eyes in mine as well,
We glimmer as we speak

If only I wasn’t me

You lean in and I do too, no rush
Knowing there’s a lifetime ahead of us to explore what we desire

If only i wasn’t me

Your hug being one those that keeps me warm
I find myself coming back to see your glimmer

If only I wasn’t me

I believe you words, your motives
You mean it when you say you love me

If only I wasn’t me

But i know better

How can you love what I cannot bear?
I won't hold it against you

Things would be different
If only i wasn't me


Images
Of the person that I’ll never be
Of the people that i love
Of the lovers that leaved

The love that i could never find for myself
Rests within your hands
Do with it what you please

I’ll be here with the images
Alone,
With me me me me me me me me me me

knuckles bleeding
drip down
to the ***** bathroom floor
rose petals
and diamonds  
across the black and white tile beneath my feet
the bitter taste of defeat
sitting on
the tip of my tongue

eyes travel upwards
to where it used to be
dull eyes
sallow skin
yellow teeth
a corpse
i see in front of me

the corpse meets its empty eyes towards mine
a knowing smirk on its face
taunting

"i am you and you are me"

blind rage
and fury
only wanting to destroy
a craving for a feat

the dead eyes
show no emotion
but still they glimmer
with this sort of obscenity
knowing full well
of the agony created
with the waxy blue lips and destruction
caused by the skeletal limps

malice is all this monster knows

"i cannot be you, this cannot be me'

i try to look away but
the corpse is all i see
shuttering images
of the nails,
the lips,
the teeth

i grab the dagger i see before me
smashing the image
slaying the beast
till it's nothing but glittering diamonds
till i taste the blood between my teeth

knees weak
salty tears
and crimson rivers
the corpse smiles

"i am you and you are me"

i'm driving alone

alone again

lights are flashing

again and again

i see your face
lightened by the passing cars and
the streetlights
of 3 AM

i'm so tired of being alone
feeling as though
i am not known
to anyone
but me

glass shown
see through
unknown

you don't see me
and god i wish you cared
but i do

i wish i didn't
i wish i didn't
i wish i didn't

but i do
again and again

i keep caring for your apathetic glance
and your swaggering stance
for something
that doesn't even stand a chance

i'm driving alone

again and again

by now i'm used to it

again and again

and one of these days
i won't see your face

perhaps it will be another
all i know is that it will be replaced

or perhaps not one at all
just the lights of 3 AM
again
and again
and again