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Feeling Real Nov 2015
See you walk in instead of leave
Like my mind says you could go
I don't hold my peace
I don't know if I should show
These things are rare but if they appear, you know
It gets hard to see - it gets hard to be, alone

That's how the fantasy goes, unclothed
We're barely speaking words
I've learned that's not how the real world goes
I wake up and pray that it's time for sleeping, though
It's easier to get high than get to thinking so
I spend all I have, the stars seem glad for me

Thanks for being there at night
Internet is faster than my heart sometimes
Ask me something, I'm feeling like
Nothing is significant
Think I want something different
Life is stark, I'm feeling innocence
Like it's me, but it must be some inner fit

My clothes are always wrinkled, too
My head's got it's own interview
I'm always speculating, someone new
They're my brand new crush, new lover
but it's not true, she's game
I'm losing time, no change
I'd rather sit and be chained
Than lose myself in that way

She's starting her dancing, nice
I join in, dim lights
She ask me to go - I can't say no
No crying in the real world
No lying if you seem hurt
I don't ask what's up
I just came to **** she
Always speculating about my life
I gave her a gift and now she's texting all night
I can't do this, I shut out the lights
I never talk back, don't ever hit send
If that's the moral I guess I'm awful interested
It's fun to lose yourself if you're not second guessing it
if you wanna rap this send me a link!
Feeling Real Nov 2015
I am 13 when I decide for the first time my skin isn't satisfying
And the only way to remedy that is to break inside
To pull out something unpleasant, fill it instead with boxed wine
Fill it with soft-core **** alone in my basement while I text
The oldest man who's interested in me, and it's pleasant
Until I'm rejected for the 50th time

These people are so nice about it, they exchange me
My nothings are as sweet as the first metal bite against my wrist
and, this, I promise myself, is the reminder of what it feels like
To be damp with the must of underground, amongst the spiders,
Afraid to get up or touch myself or feel anything new

When I am 15, I finally realize all of the words cascading around me
Are meant to be the knives upon which I impale
I dye my hair again and let my future fall away
I was always convinced I didn't deserve to succeed, that it
Was always out of my grasp and I cry for the first time
For a solitary hour in my grandmother's bed
Because even the next room over, she can't hear me
And I spend the whole summer rationing my food supplies
And running myself to exhaustion every morning I can rise
Nothing was as tragic as that, because it wasn't a beginning
It was 3 solid years of losing every second
And distancing myself so far from every morsel of life
I eat but I've never recovered

I haven't had a friend since I was 15, and life is starting to
Become the tedium upon which I stay teasing
Would it be better to approach or defend
The heart
Feeling Real Nov 2015
I sometimes forget to pitch my voice up
and I lose track of my expressions and my body
And I stretch so high that my head never comes back down

Nobody talks about me anymore, and there is no relief
The way I walk still turns heads, my perfectly adept
Hair and makeup leave quite the impression
But silence follows in my wake

I am fine, not searching for attention my careful adage
I just want to make the best first impression
Heels and dresses and eyes and stomach and ***
I drink coffee for 2 out of every 4 meals
And gorge myself on all the emotions I miss out on, living
Solely out of the pocket I feel safe in, my home
A house that sits just next to a neighbor
But we never meet
Feeling Real Nov 2015
I have carefully tailored my gaps
To be visible in only morning light
When I shrug off blankets and
Switch off the lamps, I find the
Air seems much more inviting
Much less frightening
Feeling Real Nov 2015
He was criminally insane
Wringing hands, wild brain
Holding out on what he was
He was watching, grabbing paws
Treating me like a dog he trains
I'm so lucky, glad he came

It's fine, I swear, I like the light to leave his eyes
It's fine, so rare, a love like his just can't compare

When he fists a grasp about my arm
It's a child's hand-holding charm
I'm blushing under the crushing weight
He holds me back but it's too late
I'm fallen and he doesn't want me
My desperation is an ugly trait
Feeling Real Nov 2015
Father said immortality was a wave upon which I came and crashed
And to embrace the ephemeral like the claws of the cat, a scar on my knee
That vanquished all of my fears of living safely, blood, and who knew
It would outlast the skin, down to the bone, down, past the soul, the cut
I would make many more as the years left me

Father said my willingness to learn was a godsend, that too many folks
Waste their whole lives pretending they have all the answers, and I said,
"And, Daddy? What about you?" And he told me that he knew everything, and
Somehow that didn't grate unexpectedly then, as it does now
He lied to me and I lie to the whole world to right that wrong

Father said that how fickle it was, how time was, how time goes, how he just
He knows, and he let me in on the secret, the magnetics, electricity
The undeniable, insatiable grasp when the whole world is in your hands
We traversed all of the United States in a semi-truck, only breaking to sleep
Only pausing to look out of the windows at an Arizona desert where, maybe
The Totem Poles were the spirits of the dead calling out to us to stay, just once

Father said I was supposed to eat and am entitled to growth, how delightful
Change is, and I embraced that philosophy with enough barbituates poisoning
Me I could finally feel the infinity that he talked about, and how he shied away
From the word God, and still talked about his childhood and his destruction
As if they were tangible things, he said he's forgotten so many details already
jusso you guys know half of this is made up and i would never in my whole life call my father daddy because my daddy kink would really **** me up like tbh i can't even think about calling my father daddy without wanting to **** lol
Feeling Real Nov 2015
I want tendrilic night to descend around me
And wrap itself, drape itself, like a curtain
Velvet and thick, choke and be sick
***** all over the carpets

When the blood slows to more manageable
Clotting, destroying everything it soaks
Tarnish the mainstream, the day dreamer
Wrapped thick inside of winter coats

Baby blue mist making it's way through land
The liquid just beginning to drop
Ivy vines, they wither and shed from sunlight
And grow back into the ground

Medicine is made from the dead flowers
That grow from the pits of Hades realm
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