i've been making changes
hard truths are what i'm facing
line are drawn, correcting previous wrongs
truth is, i might be the one that breaks them
i've been holding my breath
hoping these patterns reset
truth be told, only partially sold
on the decisions that i've been making

how do you re-tether a soul to a body?
mine once weighed so heavy
i grew desperate to breeze by and cut ties
i pushed it aside with words
drowned it out with drinks
suffocated it with smoke
until one day
it didn't come back
i convinced myself
we mutually parted ways
but that wasn't really the case
i lost it
—my tender companion
the one whose weight kept me grounded
whose voice filled my mind
whose presence made me feel

feels impossible to separate the old me from the healed me
and equally so to disentangle the imprints of you from her
and if she is me, and i am she, then you will forever be ******* in we
and i'm not entirely sure that isn't what i want
the aches of caring soothe the sores your unavailability brought
and i can see the growth but can't let us go
cause there's always new lessons to be taught
so we coexist, and it tests my wits
—least our tangles are becoming less fraught

i think i know her, their spark seems familiar
it burned so bright at five, nine, thirteen
then shielded so, their twenties but a small glow
almost forgot how it felt to be lit from within
but here she is, tending the embers that grew thin
coaxing once more, their flames kicking up with brazen lore

you laugh with my friends and I am delighted
my worlds are colliding and no one is blighted
to share my favorite people is a gift I now happily give and receive
so come into my world and stay as long as you please
for life is not meant to be lived divided

as the waves never fully
embrace the land; nothing has changed

talking, talking, talking— radio silence
the space that nothingness fills is almost violent
yelling, yelling, yelling— something's working
uncovering ugly truths that have been lurking
crying, crying, crying— because it's broken
there is just too much that we let go unspoken

hey, hi, hello
—this is your life,
the view is vaguely familiar
out of the passenger seat window,
two years of autopilot
isn't generally recommended—
the mind can time travel or so it thinks
unannounced comings and goings,
quiet reintroductions occur daily
as to alarm no one of your departure

I make room
I make time
I make nothing but connection

You make reason
You make rhyme
I make nothing but exceptions

We make a fool out of me
and a hero out of you
So you are nothing but perfection

We make excuses
We make lies
But they are nothing but deceptions

Cold begins to numb your limbs
Frozen thoughts begin to infiltrate good days
"Are you warm?" ignites your lungs
But you learn to layer, the fluffy answers, expected sweaters

A foreign warmth flushes your face and it's game over
Preparation for the frost left you vulnerable to comfort
Shaking in your boots, reflect during the inhale
Because one you let it out, your last spark
Hangs in your face

I’m afraid we must move on
And I think you fear the same
Reality is piling on
And our happiness is starting to wane

You were my guilty pleasure
And I your sweet addiction
But differences we once treasured
Are morphing into friction

So let me go tonight
We have nothing left to gain
With different futures in our sights
No sense trying to stop the rain

I never finish what I start
Because I always quit once it gets too hard
Which never fails to leave me unsatisfied
So I'm constantly scrambling to restore my pride
By starting new projects that'll never get done
So disappointment can add another tally to those won
Motivating me to try harder the next time
But this time was last times next time
And I haven't come very far
Because I'm already ready to drop the bar
I guess this is another one that just isn't gonna get done

Hoping to pick up right before it went bad
You stick around like a hanging chad
But either way that I decide
I come out being the bad guy
Holding grudges is a petty thing
But constant let down also stings
I want to trust you and let you in
But we always seem to start the cycle again
I forgive and you forget
But slowly my days turn to regret
Because I know I was not the one that was wrong
I just got tired of being so **** strong
Old problems begin to resurface
And you seem like you could really care less
Because they are in the past
And you see no reason for my feelings of animosity to last
But they do
How I feel I want transferred to you
Because you’ve hurt me deep
And dug yourself into a hole with walls so steep
That thinking about it fills me with doubt
Because I don’t know if you can ever get out
And I’m sure as hell not gonna be the one to kneel
So you can use me and guilt me with your ******* spiel
So you better straighten the **** up
Because this is the last time I'm dealing with your misconduct

Loving, loyal, forgiving,
Like a dog
And that's how she was treated
       Ignored but expected to heed
       Shut out but expected to return
       Kicked but expected not to bite
And that's what she accepted
Until today
        Today she's gonna stand up
        Today she's gonna speak out
        Today she's gonna fight
Today she's done being someone's *****

The 400 is the worst
if you’ve never done it
you’re lucky
you never want to
you start out optimistic or maybe
oblivious of what's to come
but when you reach the second curve
the bear is there
he’s always there
and he’s always ready to get you
and he always does
but you cant slow down
because you’re half way done
the last 100 meters you’re running on empty
nothing but heart
and your acceptance of pain
you have seconds lose
and meters to gain
and once you cross that line
you breath relief
            -for a second
and then it hits
            head pounding
                                       lungs gasping
                     legs crying
             face pale
                             vision spotty
             don’t listen to your body
walk it off
              it’ll pass
                            it always does
then feel it
its creeping
seeping through your veins
                                            energy
        ­                                    endorphins
                  ­                          ecstasy
             mind clear
             body alive
                             thoughts racing
                             mouth just as fast
its for this feeling
that you’d do it all again
and you do
because the 400 hurts so good
if you’ve ever done it
you’re lucky

I am the judge, jury, and executioner 
but I am terrified of  you
your being, your face, your name
I fear that you are better then me
and I think you fear the same
I find that you are innocent of 
envy, wrath and greed
yet punish you to a sentence
best fit to the likes of me
in my head I know you show
only traits of humility
but in my court I protect my heart
so you were guilty from the start

Throw it under the scope
see how well it copes
Let’s start with some embarrassment

eyes watching
hands writing

Hm not quite what were looking for
amp up the embarrassment to shame
and throw in some...misdirection

eyes rolling
hands clenching

This one is putting up a good fight
We’ll see if it can handle this
Bring on the judgment

eyes smiling
hands twitching

Yes, yes that is much better
How I love to see the self loathing
hiding in their eyes

I know this wont work
Because it never does
But let's just pretend.
Tell me I’m beautiful
And I’ll tell you I love you
Only I won't be lying
Because in some weird
And probably unhealthy way,
I do.
But I wont ruin our fake romance
So I’ll keep my thoughts to myself.

I slipped unexpectedly,
and slowly,
and reluctantly,

I fell clumsily,
and painfully,
and incredulously,

I tried to deny
that I was falling
            nothings changed
            I still feel the same
but I was quickly
losing ground

I tried in vain
to catch myself
but I already knew

that it was too late
that the gravity
of reality had got me

and that I was falling
hard, too hard,
out of love with you

-Dad's dish-

Permeates through the house

ungluing
worms from books
potatoes from couches
zombies from computers

uniting
curious noses
hungry bellies
ready mouths

nourishing
wife
daughter
son

-his work here is done-

I trust you, if I don’t think about the betrayal; I curse you when I do
I want you, if I ignore the times you didn’t listen; I avoid you when I
      remember
I need you, if I don’t recall the pain and embarrassment; I hate you
      when I relive it
I love you, if I over look when you threw me under the bus; I loathe
      you when I count the times

I forgive you, when I forget; but miss you when I don’t

They buttoned their coats
and strapped on their smiles
but their red runny noses
betrayed them, unmasking the pain
that their balloons had been
                                 l                
                                     a            
                                         s          
                                             h      
                                                 e  
       by the people they trusted the most

The end of the world.
But only as we know it,
for humans aren't
humble and often forget-
it's only the end of us.

i guess we’ve picked up on each others bad habits
dysfunctional sadness that drives us to madness
blissful chaos —who could blame us
happy is a thing we no longer know how to be
only wounds and scars for each other to treat
when at our best we’re an organized mess
neither brave enough to leave this inhabitable nest
and though leaving each other might be the right thing to do
it gives us nothing familiar to fall back to
and to that i say
          —lets plan leave some other day

The night was incredible.
The dress looked perfect.
The smiles were radiant.
The laughter was booming.

And the memories would be forever.

The incredible night wasn’t so if you looked too closely.
The perfect dress had sequins coming loose at the threads.
The radiant smiles couldn’t hide pained eyes.
The booming laughter was forced.

And the memories would be forever.

Stretch tall, breath in, grow strong.
To live like a tree is hard
when my heart feels to weak.
My trunk does not straighten,
my leaves do not open,
I starve myself of the nourishing light.
I wither, shrink, and die

We’ve grown and changed
and there are only shadows
of what once was.
When life gets too heavy I return
to those familiar shadows.
Not fitting perfectly, but
comfortable enough;
reminded of the good.
If I stay too long
the seasons change
and the once relaxing shade
turns to biting cold.
Embittering me
with each icy memory. It is then
I know my time is up,
I must return to the present,
until the next too heavy day.

They each hid the truth
Thinking letting it out would bring endless consequence
When the real pain came from holing it in
It weighed on their hearts, ate at and their conscious, crushed their spirits
A house of broken cowards
Each slowly suffocating
Dying from their self contained flames

It rang through my chest
And settled deep in my heart
My shields weren't up to numb me from the start
I was unprepared for your choice of her over me
A pain deep down I couldn't let you see

As they lie there, she waits.
For something, for anything,
but not for anything, for affection,
acknowledgement at least.
The sheets ruffle as he turns,
away form her. She storms out, pierced
by fact that tonight will be viewed
as nothing more, than a mistake.

There were hundreds on that ship
He watched her and thought she's beautiful
She saw him and thought better look out
He was cordial and she was cold
But in the two dates that they had on that ship
They found something to hold
And carry to opposites sides of the country
She visited that summer and he that fall
Every ticket expense was worth it all
On the 19th of April the two from hundreds became one

I’m lying on the floor
My stomach is twisting and screaming
I behaved in a way my parents would deplore
But the hands...’n drinks--
Lights blaring, music beaming
The walls are moving and I might be drooling
But I don’t have the ca-ca-cognitive function to help my condition
The laughter sounds like...
Ughhh...
I’m lying on the floor
Wishing I was one-hundred percent sober

I’m sorry my brother gave you lice
After this you will have had it thrice
Although icky and gross
The lice certainly know
That a girl like you will entice
I’m sorry my brother gave you lice

The
  ants
    came
       today
          Through
              the always
                  hiding crack
                    Lurking unknown till
                      already on her back
                         Marching steady towards her heart
                        their regular attempt to tear her apart
                       The unannounced guest
                      Here to steal leftover happiness
                    Happiness that would hold her over
                  Turned to crumbs eaten away till she was numb
               She could list them off by name
               Knowing exactly who to blame for the excruciating pain
               There was Rejection, Frustration, Unmet Expectations,
                Helplessness, Worthlessness, and her favorite Loneliness
                        They’re never quick to leave
                                  hiding underneath
                                           her sleeve
                                                For one last go
                                                        at her heart
                                                             before they
                                                                          truly
                                                           ­                    did
                                         ­                                            d e   p     a       r         t

Telling in a skill I have yet to master
However sharing is one that I can do faster
In order to convey my thoughts to you
I will create poems that you may relate to
Or perhaps change your views

I have decided to accept the poetry challenge
A task that at times may be hard to manage
Although I am late
July 23 is the date
That will start my 30 day fate

You walked away from me
Stabbed me once and let me bleed

Proved that all you said were lies
Then ran away with no goodbye

"My head says I don't need you"
Really hon? Well ***** you too--
                                Who needs you?

In the silent hours of the night
The monsters of the world come out to play

In the security of the silence they are free
Free to be the silent terrors that they are known to be
Free to be the silent terrors they own to be
Free to be the silent terrors they only know to be

In the darkest hours of the night
The beautiful creatures come out to play

In the security of the dark they are free
Free to dip their toes in waters unknown
Free to follow the example the monsters have shown
Free to return their personalities they have on loan

In the latest hours of the night
The beautiful monsters come out to play

From the world
the list of things
                                                          ­                                I
want is endless
from our friendship
it is just as long
from both I learned the need to
                                                              ­                         love
from the world
the simple things
and from
                                                            ­                           you
all the complexities
both taught me
the list of things
                                                                ­                     I want
is much longer
than what I need
from the world
I learned I need
    water
    food
    shelter
and from
                                                            ­                          you
    patience
    kindness
    under­standing
I have come
                                                                ­                   to love
both for their simple ways
and complexities,
for their lessons taught,
and those I have yet to learn
I hope that both
can learn from
                                                            ­                      me too

Silence fills the air
Questions fill my mind
Times up

(Apr 6, 2012)

In the darkness I am brave
But shine a light and I'll return to my cave
For if you see me you can judge me
And make the choice of not to love me

In the darkness I am brave
I seek the adventure that I crave
But shine a light and I'll slip away
Leaving that life to another day

In the shadows I can breath
Between the light and dark I can weave
Fast enough that eyes don't adjust
They miss me in the morning rush

In the shadows I can grow
Seeds of a new me I will sow
One that needs no covers and no veils
One that will grow from previous fails

In the shadows I can be
A better me for you to see

(Apr 3, 2012)

We each have loose strings we'd like to mend
But we don't have the right touch to make them bend
The thread I have doesn't match up to you
After all the strain we've both been through
The chance we had for us to learn
Was a missed opportunity for which I yearn
Our thread has unwound and become tired and tattered
And I can no longer recall a time when this wasn't that matter
After tying us in countless knots
Don't you feel it's time to stop?
From our choices it's too hard to choose
Try again, or cut and lose.

(Feb 13, 2012)