you haven't exercised in a week
you haven't exercised and you've been eating a lot - ice cream and candy and not entirely healthy things
you haven't exercised and you've been eating a lot and you've developed a slight pudge around your tummy where previously you wanted rock hard abs because you wanted to be strong
but you're finding that strong isn't what you've made it to be
maybe strong is more than slim bodies and powerful arms...maybe
and the strangest part of this journey of self-discovery is that, as your stomach starts to make itself a delicate padding and as you roll over in bed instead of going for a run, you are curiously the most happy you've been in weeks
and you love your body and it makes sense and you are *happy

another year by herself
convincing her own heart that it thrives when its alone, that somehow watching her friends flip-fall in love is a good thing even though she's nowhere near it
it's okay to be alone
she knows that
everyone is single at one time or another
maybe what hurts is that she has nothing to compare it to
no relationship to look back on with longing
because she understands she isn't entirely desirable
her voice is loud and grating, her mood swings wild and high
she's small and she packs a punch and she opens her fat mouth too much for her own good
boys don't like girls that don't shut up
she feels like such a hypocrite!
she knows she shouldn't aim to please boys and she doesn't, she really doesn't
she just wishes there was a boy who was pleased by her the way she was

Does anything that anyone does even matter
Sure I've got religion but it feels like it doesn't apply because on some level I have a knowledge that I'll be alright but then there's this other level that likes throwing very speedy and illegal curve ***** from around the corner of existence and I'll be fine one minute and crying the next and I've been called childish for that (I resent that alex keene) but I am
We all are
Humans are too fragile to be allowed emotion to be allowed relationships with other people
Like I can't take care of someone else's stability, do I look like I have my life together?
That's why trusting is so difficult because to me real trust is knowing you can complain to someone without feeling annoying and knowing they'll listen and not judge you and actually care what you say
But all of this is going into the void anyway and no one will read it so does it matter
Does anything matter, we're back here again
nothing matters nothing matters nothing
My brain quite legitimately reminds me of this and that's not pretentious poetry BS

I wish my head would turn off and go to sleep and then maybe I wouldn't have racoon eyes and my mom would stop complaining about my sour disposition