i know that this wasn’t just a thing.
i know that i didn’t believe in love at first sight until i laid eyes on you, and your messy hair, and your perfect crooked teeth
and i didn’t know that a sound could bring such pure, unadulterated joy until the moment you parted your lips and introduced yourself to me
and i didn’t know the feeling of my heart being ripped out of my ribcage until you plunged your hand inside of my chest and held it, still pulsing, in your palm.
i didn’t know that my heart had a voice louder than the one inside of my mouth until i heard it shout your name with every beat, 80 times a minute, every minute we were apart.
i didn’t know that a person could have such control over another human being until i found myself wasting hours, losing sleep, waiting for you to text, or call, or to even think about me enough to care.
see, when you told me you loved me it was like a garden was in full bloom at my feet every step i took. for ten months all the weeds in the cracks of the pavement were daisies.
i would have stopped myself if i knew they were going to turn into poison ivy.
i didn't know you stopped loving me until you touched every part of my body and decided that you'd had enough. i didn't know you stopped loving me until i found myself waiting for days for as much as a message from you, at least saying you still gave a **** about how i was doing.
i didn't know you stopped loving me until i started praying to a god that i'd stopped believing in, begging for at least the slightest glimmer of hope that you hadn't given up on us, you hadn't given up on me.
i guess now that i've realised all this, i know that this was just a 'thing' to you. and i guess i have to be okay with that.

The world is a massive and untouchable beast, its rolling hills and sharp jutting mountains expand ever tauntingly against the vision of our eyes. Knowing full well we cannot truly explore the vastness and strange diversity of this blue pearl. So when compared to the unfathomably Godlike terrain of the universe we all stare in awe wondering what beauty and destructive natures it holds. Comparable our own gem twinkles in the sky ever fleeting next to millions upon millions of dancing stones and raging suns, even our own Sol is dwarfed, even made insect like to that of greater gasses throwing tendrils of blood red flames in all directions. We are but a speck, a stranger curiosity to the universe than the universe is as strange a curiosity to us. And beyond all this, all these dancing stones and despite our size our pirouettes and twirling lines of silk send the vast nothingness into a daze. For the universe is great and unfathomable and impossible we too are impossible. For we carry…
Life.

And that in itself is special enough to warrant wonder and amazement, but just like the ever expanding size of the universe the earth digs even deeper to the unthinkable. Seven billion men and women walk on these paths of man made concrete and Earth’s dazzling dirt and harsh ruddy mud and sand, all spread across the four corners of our home. We have made beautiful concepts such as honour, curiosity, family and love, we have raised buildings and amazing structures to honour these concepts and their brilliance. We harnessed the beauty of earth and shaped it into something even the universe cannot hope to recreate without our help.

But…
I still can’t understand something. I can grasp what many cannot - which I should think of as a illuminative and enriching gift - but i still cannot understand one thing; a strange being born from the universe somehow more amazing and diverse than our mother Earth.

And that's you. You are something that I absolutely cannot grasp, you in my eyes overshadow the infinite universe, and I am mad because I cannot for the life of me figure it out. Maybe it's because of your personality; your swings from happy to sad and everything in between, not unlike the diversity of earth, your beauty mimicking the glistening diamond seas, meadow fields and sunlit jungles that blaze with heat. The way you speak is like chirping birds and the wind rolling against fluttering bronze whistles. When you walk into a room it seems in a couth way everything seems to revolve around you, as if - and pardon my pun you were the Sol of the room and only i could see it. Maybe it's because just like Earth you have the potential to carry life and create something that just like Earth can never be replicated, your individuality and that of your possible child sends me into a crazed wonder of whether that's even fair to other women. Maybe it's because despite all the dancers in the world when you dance to me you are the most elegant even if it's not objectively true. But maybe it’s because you just seem too impossible, too great to be true. The physical embodiment of all the qualities that make Earth - Earth.

But maybe it's not even that. I think after assessing it I may know why I can’t understand the most amazing thing that floats around you taunting my vision and heart.

It’s that in defiance of the fact that you are an ungraspable demigod I still managed to steal you from seven billion people. From the earth, even from the universe itself. Against the wishes of millions it is I - a lowly man - that claimed your heart. I think it dazzles me so that I could grasp you from when I thought of you as ungraspable, I think it dazzles me how a being as small as you can still stand fast against floating entities of amazement like the Earth. I think it dazzles me how you laugh and sing, how you’ve mastered your own voice and the four stringed instrument that in my opinion should be named string full sound pan, but instead is dubbed ukulele. I think it dazzles me anytime you say you love me and just accept that my manhood can sometimes be too fragile to say it back. I think it dazzles me how you laugh at all my jokes - even the ones that in all respect don't even deserve a reaction. I think it dazzles me how you always listen and always remember when compared to me i'm always distracted and have the memory of an elegant goldfish. I think it dazzles me that in this world that is so cold and so unforgiving in which I sometimes find hard to grasp and instead turn apathetic too you still manage to dazzle me.

You dazzle me and it's the most annoying and frustrating thing in the world. You confuse me and make me question absolutely everything, there is no peace when you're around. You always have me on my feet and you always challenge me with your love. So please…

Never stop dazzling me.

i'm not good enough.
and you'll never hear me say that
i'm worth living for.

tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her tell her
you can't

mirror, mirror, on the wall
who is the fairest of them all?
the one whose lips are painted red
the one who lives forever in dread?
mirror, mirror, on the wall
burning sunrise, hear my call
fall upon those who wish to be dead
keep them safe and watch where they tread.
mirror, mirror, on the wall
read my poem, see my scrawl
tell me how it feels to bleed,
red as a rose, this is our creed.

a hurricane in her mind,
hurtling through and
destroying all that she loved
body trembling
she picked up the pieces and promised:
**never again will i trust myself

*******. You've ruined my relationships with people. You make me overthink everything. I'm even overthinking submitting this letter. You treat my mind like a room and you're shoving my positive thoughts in the corner when I need them most. I'm sick of you butting in whenever I'm having a good day. It makes me feel terrible and guilty for ignoring my friends, when I'm not really ignoring them, I'm just too afraid to talk. I've been wanting to apply for a job since I turned old enough but I'm too afraid to speak up and ask my teachers to be my reference. And you know what? That's ******* bullying. Stop ruining opportunities for me. I'm so sick of it.
Some day, you will leave. I will be sure of that. I will get better. I will come out of this stronger. You can't stop me.
You do not define me.