Ace of diamonds
Ace of spades
Ace of hearts
But their value fades

Lowest or highest
Which will you choose
To rule the world
Or to always lose

He laughs with his friends
Just joking around
I can't take my eyes off him
Occationally our eyes meet
But I quickly lower my eyes
Afraid he will see my longing
I wonder if he really sees me
I wonder if he would care.
At night I imagine
What it would be like to hold him
What do his lips feel like
But of course just like since 8th grade
My dreams are just dreams
Across the room is farther
Than across the world
And thats the closest I will be to him

When I am cold I seek warmth
When I am sad I seek comfort
When I am tired I seek rest
They say I can find these with God.
So why do I keep searching?

When I am cold I seek warmth
The warmth of God's love
Is suppose to cover me
So why do I keep freezing?

When I am sad I seek comfort
The comfort of God's presence
Is suppose to surround me
So why do I keep crying?

When I am tired I seek rest
I am tired of crying
I am tired of freezing
I am tired of searching
So I give myself to God
And rest

Glancing in the mirror
At her broken reflection
She says to herself
One size smaller...
Just one size smaller

But you can see the ribs through her shirt
But not how much she hurts
There aren't scars on her arms
Just scars on her heart
From endless days wondering
When will life start

She says to herself
Just dress in black
And I'll pretend to be a shadow
Or fly to the sky
And become the storm cloud
That unleashes rains like my tears
And my voice will thunder too loud

Still she is silent somehow
She whispers to the mirror
Just a bit more makeup
And I'll fit in with the crowd

But you only see dark rings
Around blood shot eyes
Only blood red lips
That once knew how to sing
There aren't scars on her arms
Just scars on her heart
From endless days wandering
Crowded streets alone
Endless days with no home

She says to herself
Just dress in yellow
And I'll pretend I'm happy
Or fly to the sky
And become the sun
Bright and full of life

Just one size smaller
Stand a bit taller
But no, she's gone too far
All thats left is a scar
On her wrist bright as stars
Except stars are seen
When they first come into being
And this child will never know
Anything but being
Alone

A picture is worth a thousand words
All captured in her smile
Words whispered in love
And the words shouted when she left

Your picture is still on my wall
The one of our first kiss
Everything was so perfect
How could I forget

Your words in the letters you gave me
Are safely hidden away
But even if they were lost
Your words would still be here

A picture's worth a thousand words
A thousand broken hearts
A thousand lost dreams
A thousand words I wish I had said before you left

Red, pink, gold or blue
I know not what to do
I just think of you
And your roses too

They comfort me when I'm alone
A wonderful colorful home.
A hope for happiness never known
Till I called you my own

I had wandered through the night
Never daring to fight
But your roses filled with light
Scare away my fright

Ask me who I  am.
Ask me of my story
Pretend you care about my life
But ignore the scars on my body

I am but a shadow in the field
Haunted by those ****** whips I fear
Taunted by those freedom songs
Broken by tear stained years

I am a shadow of a human
No, not even human, an animal
I'm a number
A price, a nobody, expendable

Look me in the face
And know that only we slaves
Will die alone with endless scars
And empty eyes in our last days

You asked me who I am
You thought you knew my story
You see the broken child inside
Only now it's too late to say I'm sorry

The first sight was breath taking
The second, a sigh
The wind whipped through the air
As I watched an eagle fly

The first breath was halting
The second beautiful
The sun was beating down
Strong as the hand that made me whole

The first dance was intriguing
The second caught my heart
The music  sped through me
With my heart's rhythm beating its part

The first sight was breathtaking
The last a sigh
A thanks in her direction
A kiss goodbye

The chips are down
There's no turning back
We take what we are given
Unsure how to act
A bible in one hand
Whiskey in the other
We follow our hearts
No worse than down under
Our life is too short
To worry bout the next
Your fate is your own
Your life no mortal test
In innocent assurance
You'll do the right thing
And finally walk down
That deserted, waiting street

You look into my eyes
Saying so much more than words
I wrap my arms around you
Feeling your curves and your warmth

You twine your fingers with mine
Somehow a perfect match
But you still hold the hand of another
Of a man you love so much

I gaze at you when you're not looking
And smile when laughter lights your eyes
I wish you could always be mine
I wish I could be the one who makes you smile.

Are you ever going
To give me a chance?
Or should I try
To forget you
Like a dream that's
Too good to be true

Breath deeply
Close eyes
Touch the keys
Write what's in me*

Step back in time
Open my Eyes to the light

I see the glint of amber light
Flit from string to string
Warming the bow and arm

My Eyes cloud, blurring the memory

But I remember the sound
Not every note or line
But the beauty
From every breath and mind

My Eyes drift, begin to close
I sigh, I do not wish to open my eyes
To the typing keys, and reality

Although I cry, I am not sad
Tis merely rain falling
From a twisted tormented tempest

Although I laugh, I am not happy
Tis merely the sound
Of fate's endless humor

Although I try, I fail to succeed
Life is a chaos of questions
With the answers unseen

Although I live, my heart doesn't beat
Tis merel the sound
Of the bird's rat-ti-tat-tat

Although I sing, my voice makes not a whisper
Tis merely the wind
Singing to nature

Although I speak, I do not say
But my tears are uttering
The words dark as night

My hat over my head
When they picked the first notes
A dancing little melody
Strung over two guitars
Just a simple jig I guess

I lifted my head a little
When the first voice sang
A young country cowboy
Made my heart twitter
Just a skip I guess

I sat up in my seat
When that second voice sang
A dark country twang
I said for him,
I'd move out west

I just want to be invisible
To not have to stand
In front of the world
That criticizes everything

To not have to stand
Against a father
That tells me to just work harder
To not have to stand
At attention
As I receive every insult

But mostly,
I don't want to stand
In front of the mirror
And see my biggest critic of all

I refuse to cry
But I'm breaking inside
Wish I didn't have to say
That heart wrenching good bye

I wish time paused
With her in my arms
Wish I truly had her
Before she was lost

Stting in class
Avoiding the past
Telling myself I haven't
Shattered like glass

Tears pool in my eyes
But I push them aside
I want to be alone
I don't want them to see me
                    Cryin'

The days go slow and fast
At the same time
College looms at the end
Of the tunnel
Though I'm still not sure if
I'm terrified or excited for the change

I have a girl
I wish I could fall in love with
But I can't forget the fact
That I'm leaving.

I want the summer
To disappear
so I can get to the parties
The adventure
The college girls
The college boys.

I want to leave behind
My bad reputation
My bad relationships
My bad memories...

I want to learn
I want to grow
I want to be wild and crazy
I want to break through
All of my walls I've built

But the days drag by
The more I think about it
And my heart breaks
The more I think of leaving my sister
And I can't decide if I'm terrified
Or excited for the next day to come

I'm not afraid of growing old.
No, I fear not remembering and dying alone
I'm not afraid of the dark.  
No, I fear the empty silence and the unknown.

I'm not afraid of the end of life.
No, I fear I will leave nothing behind
I'm not afraid of death.  
No, I only fear dying with too much life left.

White weather falling
To glisten below
The sunlight reflecting
Crystalline rainbows

Tears flow softly
To freeze in an instant
Chilling my mind
Past so many walls, resistant

Sorrow hidden  
Carefully behind my smile
Not many have noticed
The pain in my eyes

White weather falling
To glisten below
But I'm all alone
In the beautiful December snow

Nathaniel Aleczander Gasc-Lewis
Adopted 2/23/2017
March/30/1994-
July/16/2017

I know you’ll never read this
But I was thinking of you today
I wanted to write a letter
Of everything I wish I could say

I wish I could say I love you
And hear you say it too
I wish I could tell you everything
All the dreams I want to come true

I wish I could see you smiling
Just one more time at me
I wish I could hear your laughter
Contagious to all you meet

I wish I could hold you one more time
Just one more is all I ask
I wish to hold your hand in mine
A memory that would always last

But wishes went up in smoke
When firemen were too late to your door
My heart, my brother, my friend-gone
My heart shattered on the hospital floor

The endless twilight skies
Studded with diamond stars
No sound to disturb peace
No echoing of day
The darkness is velvet
Though satin touch on my mind
A clear crisp smell
Of a cold winter day
The midnight shadow of time

The endless twilight sky
Studded with diamond stars
No sound to disturb peace
No echoes of my scars

The darkness is velvet
Though satin touch on my mind
Deep and strong and hidden
As the midnight shadow of time

Do you still think of me?
When the world seems
To have left me behind.
Do you think of me
When you smile and laugh
In the distance.

All I can think of is your eyes
How they use to look at me
With love and passion
Now they barely glance
For a moment in my direction

Do you love me as you did
When you wiped away my tears
When you held me
When I wanted to die
Do you love me still
Are you even still mine?

The twilight sky is silent
The world for once at peace
Though only the brush of an angel's wings
Could give me final release

Then the dawn is slowly waking
With a breath of cold clear air
But the sun will warm me quickly
Knowing my angel might be there

Sun shining bright above me
But my heart has turned to ice
Too slow it beats so weakly
For now I know I have lost her twice

The tears fall from my heart
For I wish she was here with me
In all of my dreams, I dream of her
And forever with her I wish I could be.

Lonely isle in a deep blue sea
Like the lonely child
Deep inside of me

Searing stars in the midnight sky
Like the searing scars, white,
Where the blood has dried

Lingering presense in the darkened night
Like the linging essence
Of the forboding fright

Sinister whispers burn in the cold crisp air
Like the sinister embers
In my empty stare

Haunting screams in the abysmal deep
Like the haunting dreams
That terrorize my sleep

Fire burns and sears
Though it never hurts me
Just burns away pained memories

Water heals and cleanses
Both body and mind
Even still my heart is broken

Spirit sings in me
Taking me past my sorrows
To a place I can heal

Air all around me
Winds through my hair
I feel alive

When I'm with him
Everything else goes away.
The loneliness,
The insecurity,
The never ending feeling of
Loss.

Everything goes away
The drama,
The world,
The never ending feeling of
Worthlessness

Everything goes away
The crowds,
The noise,
The never ending feeling of
Confusion.

When he's holding me
I feel safe
I feel warm
I feel like life
Is finally beautiful

He makes my dreams
Into reality
He makes my life
Full of wonder
He makes me
*Whole

A silent shadow
Across a midnight sky
Beauty and danger
Within him, he flies
Moonlight hints
At peace and wonder
Through a snowy scene
This hunter wanders
Freezing winds
Lift high his cry
Piercing fear
Where comfort would lie

Roses fallen
Petals strewn
Destruction yet beauty
Red stark
Against the white tile
Like blood
Fallen from my heart
Falen from my wrist
Fallen from my mind
Like tears
Fallen from my eyes
Fallen from my pain

A body fallen
Limbs strewn
Destruction yet beauty
Red stark against the snow
                    Fallin’

Through darkened streets I wander
Through midnight shadows of fear
Only just to wonder
What I am doing here

Running through the woods so deep
Hitting the ground with my cold hard feet
Feeling the air rush through my lungs
Slowing only to find the sun

The day is following my endless plight
The sun my only return to life
Creeping upon me on silent wings
The night approaches, the insects sing

I stop in a clearing of green mossy trees
The moon in the distance the only light I see
Unmarred by the city, a beautiful sight
Darkness around me welcomes no fright

Sleep a relief from the hard pressing day
Heartbeat pulsing, nothing to say
As the sun rises in the bright morning sky
I start my running on feet that seem to fly

It's weird
How the one
That made me laugh
Made me cry.
The beauty
That made my true self
Come out
Made me hide
Even deeper.
The wonder
That made me feel loved
Made me feel
Hated.

It's weird
How painful it is
That the one I loved
Left me forever

The waves call me softly
Like the echoes of a song I heard
The sun falls in fire
Flaming my whispered words
Goodbye is spoken slowly
To the quickly fading light
Her face is softly showing
In the shadows of the night

My eyes fill with unshed tears
As I watch the stars appear
My heart says goodbye
Yet I still wish that she was here
A scar made in an instant
As a star shoots across the sky
The blood flowing, sickening
As my mind says its last goodbye

I left her with a broken heart in tow
I said to her "no longer
Are you mine to call my own."

As I am writing this
I wish these words weren't true
But I must say
I can not love you

You have broken my heart
And thrown it in the dirt
Thank you for showing me
How much love can hurt

I gave you my heart,
My love, my trust
But as soon as I was out of sight
Your love has turned to dust

The promises of waiting
And always loving me
Have seemed to disappear
To leave me in agony

I told you I would love you
Until the day I die
I have kept my promise
Even when you lied

No longer do I keep silent
You have caused me too much pain
I feel you have betrayed me
When I was only beginning to love again

I'm not sorry for loving you
Though I feel I shouldn't have
It seems my perfect angel
Is still waiting for me above

No more tears will fall from my heart
For the mistake of loving you
This much so far I say my dear
That from this day is true

I can't forget about you
But remembering is killing me
Goodbye my use to be angel
You don't have to worry about me

"Hey let's take a walk."
He's hesitant..
He won't hold my hand
But I guess I will just go along

"I'm not sure how to say this,"
Oh no.. not this...
"I don't think we should be together.
"I found out about him"

How...
I swear my heart has stopped
I grow cold, as if ice had stabbed me
A lump sticks in my throat,
Making it hard to breathe
But I refuse to let the tears out
I refuse to let him see the heart ache

"Erin?"

Right, I have to respond
"Yeah.. I guess we just..
Weren't meant to be together"
But we could have been
"I'm sorry"

One last hug
One last look
Then he just walked away
Leaving me with a feeling
I've felt too often

Alone.

What happened to that
Good ole fashion love story
We wrote so long ago
In tears and fears
And long blue jeans
And "babe, I love you so"

So what if you love me
I returned to you
For much to long ago
I brought a bucket for tears
A bunny for fears
And "babe, I love you too"

Lets go back
And write our story again
Ole fashion and beautiful
With smiles and laughs
And long blue jeans
And "babe, won't you marry me."

No sleep for the weary
No rest for my soul
For the nightmares come to haunt

Everything known and unknown
The love that I lost
The shadows of her past
All the fears she was hiding
I took on as my own
Now they plague my dreams

No sleep for the dreamers
No rest for the broken
For the nightmares come to haunt.

If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain.
For the heart asks pleasure first
And then excuse from pain.

I like a look of agony because I know its true.
It says I am nobody, who are you?
Its says I am a poor torn heart,
A tattered heart.

Poor little heart! Did they forget thee?
Proud little heart! Did they forsake thee?
Frail little heart! I will not break thee.

Not with a club the heart is broken,
Nor with a stone-
Its love that deals one imperial thunderbolt
That scalps your naked soul

The fires burning bright
In the devil's haunted halls
The souls too weak to fight
His clever deadly calls

His leering smile is waiting
At the gates of hell for you
Your resolve is slowly fading
You believed the lie was true

You see the death too late
No time to run away
Turn around and face your fate
There is nothing left to say

You have become the fatal slave
Of the midnight shadow dance
The fire burns you in your grave
You gave up your final chance

I can't talk to you in person
Can't talk face to face
It's too much of a risk
That you would see
Unshed tears and longing
Hidden in my eyes

Beautiful yet deadly
Though you would never know
You're high above reality
The colors seem to glow

The beauty of the rose
Disguises the harming thorns
Don't tempt the fatal cost
For a moment away from scorn

Your life will fade away
No future left for you
You followed a crooked path
Now only death is in veiw

No light to return to
No breath will pass your lips
You are standing above nothing
To die, you only have to slip

His arms wrap around me
As tears wrack my body
The unshielded pain
Revealed in my face
The hurt of hidden feelings
Revived with force
The seed of loneliness
Had grown in my heart

But through this I am comforted
By a presence I can't conceive
A forgiving force
That releases my guilt
A loving wonder
To fill the gap
An amazing hope
That cleanses my face
And soul of stains

Why are you going to Nashville?
"Business,
That's all I can tell you."

I hug tighter to his chest.
I know what ever it is
I shouldn't know.
I can pretend I don't.
But I know he won't be safe tonight

I look into his eyes
Endless blue skies filled with love
Gaze back at me

"Be careful, love"
I can barely whisper
"I always am, my angel.
This won't be the last time you see me"

I attempt a laugh
"It better not, I'd **** you"
I hesitate
"or rekill you."

One last kiss.
Before he leaves
"Be good" I tell him
"I know you can't keep that promise,
But I can at least tell myself I told you"

"I love you, angel."

I love you too my Hunter..

A clear blue sky
A mountain stream
The sunlight on the water
Beauty

A mother and a child
A golden ring of promise
An angel's touch
Love

A whispering wind
A bird cooing softly
The voice of nature
Peace

A baby's laugh
A brilliant smile
Joy

A comforting light
A rainbow overhead
Hope

They ask me who I am
But I can't answer in words
For I am the one to

Give you hope
When you are lost
Give you joy
When your world is dark

Give you love
When you need it most
Give you beauty
When your eyes are closed

Give you peace
When chaos reigns

I am more than words
I am life
I am music.

I am a song of the centuries
I whisper the worries wound within
I spin stories of unspoken secrets
I tell tales of truth and treachery

I am a woman of words