I've had people say that I'm generally a good person
They tell me I'm sweet and thoughtful
And I know they mean it.

But I honestly don't see it.
Every time I look in the mirror
I just feel so utterly disgusted
I'm so cringeworthy
So awkward
So untalented
So average
So annoying
So.... Disappointing

I've never truly hated anyone
But **** I despise myself.

When I really think about it
I realize that there is no point in doing anything.
None of my actions really matter.
Death is inevitable.
And once you're dead, it's not like time stops...
The world keeps moving & goes on without you.
We are all just insignificant beings made of flesh and blood.
And we like to distract ourselves from that thought.
We like to think that there's more to it and life is worth so much but really
you're born, you live, you die.

You say this is wrong.
You taught me that this is a sin.
"This isn't what He wants." You say.
Well why is that?
What is so despicable?
I need answers because this, in my eyes, is absolutely amazing and beautiful.
My days are filled with joy.
My life has become so much brighter.
My future is not as terrifying.

So you answer me...

How is love so wrong?

Every Tuesday I take a trip to the train station.
I pack all that I have, as heavy as it may be
       set it upon my back
                           then begin my journey.
I stop at times when it all seems like it is too much
                     and try to adjust my cargo
But I realize that I am only slowing myself down
              when I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
    I fake a smile, for undergoing such a weight is pain
    I breathe in deep and count my steps, fearing that I will only drown and what I have been holding back.
     I have a choice between going nowhere and going somewhere

So I choose.

And instead of hiding or quitting
                I let my burdened baggage go
I open my suitcase, like an old wound
     Lift out what has been tattered and torn
     And set my burdened cargo free to the wind
     I face what I must, and find strength in what I am tossed and thrown aside
     I noticed the stares as overlookers pass
  But I give them a smile and stand up a little taller
     For when that is done, I have reached the station