I have way too much time on my hands and not enough things to do
To keep my mind off all the things I can’t control, including all the memories of you.

My body is a bridge
connecting me to this world.
My mind is an anchor
it keeps me sinking lower
& lower.
My heart is a person
jumping out of my chest.
All the anxiety jumping
over the bridge leaving
a hole in my body.
I am undone.
My mind is sinking
pulling me further.
The bridge is crashing
against the surface of the water,
the ocean built by all my salty tears.
All the pieces coming undone,
I’m no longer here.
I’m in pieces
I’ve been torn apart again
& again
every single day
every single moment
every second
I think about you
I fall apart.

In a couple of years
I will have nothing
to hold on to.

My roots will keep on reaching
and I will keep on hoping.
I’ll extend my arms towards the light.

The ground beneath me will
give way as I fall victim to
Mother’s hands. I shall rest

until I rot away
and Mother births another
in my place. I mustn’t cry

for I know that this
is my fate. I’ll return to
the Earth that gave me life.

have you ever felt like ripping yourself open
with your own two hands
and staring at the floor
while your guts fall out

and then you move to your lungs
and tear them out
one by one
and throw them on the ground

and then you move to your heart
and you hold it in your hand
slowly squeezing
until it no longer beats

and then you smile
because it no longer hurts
while your body grows cold
and your eyes glaze over

I keep trying to hold my head high
and forget about you. Forget about
the past. Forget about
everything. But I can’t forget,

and I can’t forgive. All I have left are these
memories of you. I don’t think
I’m doing it right. I don’t think
I’m supposed to smoke this much

or drink this much but it gets me high
and that’s where I want to be
right now. In a way, I guess
I am keeping my head held high.

With drugs. I could float
away in a sea
of cheap bubbly.
I could fly through the sky

with every inhale taking me
further into the exosphere.
My hands are searching for
someone else’s to hold but for now

this bottle will do. My lips are searching for
someone to kiss but for now
this cigarette will do. I keep trying to hold
my head high and forget

about you but all I can do is
remember you in the morning.

you stayed the night once
slept in my bed with me
but i dont think you know
that i was too nervous to sleep
and i stayed up most of the night
because you made me so anxious
now you're gone
and nobody makes me anxious anymore

in your last text you told me
that you thought I didn't care about you.
well, that's not true.
i cared too much about you
and it hurt
so much.

i didn't want you to know how much i cared
for you. for only you.
i had eyes just for you.
my heart stopped around you.
my lungs were heavier around you.

i miss you.
i still think about you almost every day.
people say you're supposed to think of someone less
as time passes
but i don't think it's true.
i think about you all the time.
i could never forget you.
you're burned into my brain.

the way you smiled.
the way your eyelashes curled.
i still know every single freckle.
the way your nose is shaped.
your laugh still rings inside my brain.

i'm so sorry that i hurt you.
i'll never forgive myself for losing you.
i should've told you how i had felt
instead of locking it away.
i miss you.