The itch
Was meant to be taken care of.
I scratch until I bleed,
But he ****** my blood out already.

Ringing

Pick up... pick up...
Hello?
Go to the hospital.
I'm good. Don't worry about me. I'm good.
Allen, go to the hospital.
I'll get better. Stop nagging me.
You won't get better if you don't go to the hospital and get looked at.
I'm not going. I can't afford that.
You have insurance. They want to help you. I promise.
I don't have money for that. Hospitals are only for rich, white people.
Allen, go to the hospital. You are worrying me! Please just go.
No. I will get better on my own.
You need help, Allen.
No I don't. I'm good.
Allen, you don't even want help, do you? You don't even want to get better at all..
Emma, I'm fine. It will all be okay in time.
That was your point wasn't it? To make it all okay? But for who, Allen? Just okay for you? Because if you leave, I won't be okay. Please get help..
I don't want help and I don't need it anyways. I will be gone soon and everything will be better. You'll move on. Everyone will. No one cares about me anyways.
... You think no one cares about you? Allen, I love you. And you want to leave? Because you think no one cares? I care. I care about you so much. I always see those cuts on your wrists even when you always wear longsleeves because I think you are a little more comfortable around me than everyone else. I see those cuts and think *Why does he do that to himself? Is it my fault? Is there anything I can do to make him realize that he doesn't have to do that? I really try to be there for him, but maybe I am not enough for him to be happy But I still try. Even though I think that, I try to help. And I don't do that because I pity you. I do that because I love you. I love you, Allen.
... Emma, please stop.
No, Allen. I won't stop. You need to get help. I can't lose you. What about your mom? She needs you. And your little sister? She needs you. Do you want to leave your family?
EMMA STOP! I HAVE TO GO!
NO YOU DON'T ALLEN! YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO!
Emma.. you are the best person I know.
Allen what's happening are you okay?
Yea... Emmmmma It'ss aaall okayyy
Allen, please get help, your words are slurring.
...
Allen can you hear me?
I loooove youu Emmmmaa. My prettyyyy Emmmma.
ALLEN STAY WITH ME! PLEASE DON'T GO!
...
ALLEN
...

*Dial-tone

I regret the fact that I showed you all these
Places that you can happily go to now
I'm stuck outside looking in the windows
Making sure you aren't there
Before I can even muster the courage
To step into my favorite places.
Specific streets remind me of
Where you would take me.
I would never dare step foot in a place
That you took me,
But you feel perfectly content
Bringing the new people in your life there.
Overwriting our memories and moving
On with your life.
It is time to move on.
I am tired of living like this and I won't
Let you control me anymore.
I'll go wherever I want and who knows?
Maybe someday I'll be able to
Step into these places and never even
Think of you.

I think
There is just a
Huge part of me
That needs you
To just
Hold my face in your hands,
Look me in the eyes,
And tell me that it's
All going to be okay.
Is it going
To be okay?

People come and go all the time
Like you did over and over.
Every time you promised to stay
All you would do is roll onto your other side,
Sit up on the edge of the bed.
Ending the magic so soon.
Deliberately you broke it,
Or was it an accident?
Nonetheless, you ended it.
One night of peace is all I wanted.
Together we are a mess.
Love me or let me go.
Every time I see you I feel strange.
All of my body wants to shut down.
Vicious waves make me cringe
Everything begs to stop working.
Must you be the reason
Every time I cry?

You asked me what's on my mind
And I said nothing
Which isn't a bad thing
Because to me "nothing" is an open possibility.

The emptiness,
It filled the void.

The silence,
It filled my mind.

I feel that nothingness
Can be something too.

It is a catalyst to
Creation.

A development in the mind
That extracts the most inner inkling
And transforms it into your grandest idea.

Maybe silence seems like a handicap to you,
But to me it is a

The inconsistencies were nothing to her
The slips
The ice that was freezing her
Had started to melt
Into his eyes like summer
The beautiful thing is that it moves-
Rather, it's moving
Slowly at a pace compatible to
His breath as he is almost asleep
He rarely ever does, which adds to the beauty
She moves too fast
Frantically until she tires herself
And falls asleep on his shoulder on the way home--
Don't be silly:

I have always loved you,
Just not this dearly.

Sometimes, I mistake hate for love.
Both feelings are so strong
And can grow and shrink the same.
That's why I thought I still loved you.
I'd loved you for years,
And I thought that any feelings I had
Would be love for you.
I was confused because I'd only ever loved you
So this new feeling I mistook for love.
It grew and shrank.
That's the reason why
I felt nothing when you last kissed me.
I'll come to terms with that someday.
For the past few months,
I thought what I felt was love,
And I thought I would have to forget about it,
But now I know I already did.
I've been living my life
Trying to forget that I love you,
But what I really need to do
Is learn how to live hating you.

I hit the crosswalk
And I know how you feel.
Your overcoat is trembling,
But your lips are steel.

But sooner or later, you will come around.
And I will find your favor as you're falling down.

I hide in your sweatshirt
With my knees drawn in tight.
I sit in the corner
With the company of moonlight.

You say you walk the road less traveled- how does that make you feel?
But with your words like gravel, how can I finally heal?

Well I'm pretty gone
You always leave when I need you most
What a charming coincidence
It's not strange it's every time now
That I go out
I'll stay in and make sure that you get back safe

Holding on
You drag me down I can't stay afloat anymore
To a false-hope cherry right on top
Your lies weigh like rocks and pierce holes like knives
Of this sundae
*A bitter reminder of your true devotion

We may not be finishing each other's sentences, but we are saying the same things, and completing each other's thoughts.

You are more than enough for me and you do not need to try to do anything to be good enough for me because you are more than perfect for me.

I don't like having to leave sometimes.

I guess you should do some jaw exercises or something because-- yes we kiss quite a bit, but it's not excessive. You shouldn't be in pain from kissing me, and if you are, I'll kiss it and make it better.

It's okay to pull away from a kiss because then I get to see your perfect face.

Well you aren't alone in feeling dumb. I thought I had a decent grasp on the human language but then I met you. I can't put my feelings for you into words. Nothing makes sense-- it isn't right, it isn't enough.

I wish I met you so much earlier in my life, but honestly I think that things would be so different if that were the case. What happened in our pasts is what makes us who we are. And we love each other as we are now.

Time flies when I'm with you. I can spend an entire day with you and feel like only minutes went by. It is never enough time. I will always want more.

I always say I need more time in my life, but I would rather feel like days are minutes with you than minutes are days when I'm alone.

When you want revenge
But you choose not to exact it,
You take it out on yourself
Because you shouldn't have let
Bad things happen in the first place.

There may be a thorn
In my side, but you have such
Beautiful petals.

A letter arrives
With the stamp
Tilted to the left.

The contents of the letter:
I'm sorry to do this
But we can never see each other again
I can't do this anymore

I had never been happier.

The hardest thing about this is
You believe it is your fault.

I should have known better.
I should have not been in that situation.

There is no telling when this would ever happen.
There is just you and them.

Fight or freeze?
More times than most, people freeze.

Why didn't I scream?
Why didn't I fight it?

Everyone's body processes things differently.
It is alright if you froze.

Know it is not your fault.
You are a victim.

But he was my boyfriend.
He said he loved me.

Everyone has their own problems.
He just chose to let his out in a ****** mode.

*Why would he do this to me?

It was love at first sight
For me.
You still haven't quite
Caught on.
But we'll keep seeing
Each other
And maybe someday it
Will be
Love at sixty-seventh sight
For you.

Don't you think that it is a little strange?
Everything I do is just a waste of time.
Possibly a never ending cycle of nothingness.
Restlessness stays with me in my sleep.
Every night I am in unrest. 
Speak to me with words of encouragement.
Sing sweet melodies to me while you hold me.
I will sleep then.
Only to be awoken by terror.
Netherworlds do exist.

I can still feel myself
Pressed up against that wall.
I hope you know I really
Needed to study.

Gnashing the words in my mouth before I say them.
Tick-tock why can't you speak?
pause



"Hello?
Sorry I uh..... I
"Are you drunk?"
No.
"Are you sure?"
...
Repeat five more times.

Form sentences quickly.
you are a pathetic idiot
Who said that?

Don't babble.
Babble=stutter.
Don't stutter.

Form sentences.
Don't take too long to think.

I usually hate being called "baby."
Like who do you think you are?
I am not a child, nor am I a baby.

But when you called me baby,
I didn't mind at all.
I guess it just worked coming from you.

And now you're gone.
And now he is calling me baby,
But it works coming from him
Because it reminds me of you...

I'm happy I met
                          & loved
                                      & lost you.

You know it's real love
When it haunts you
For weeks
                & months
                                & years.

But I'm happy
To feel this pain
Because it lets me know
I'm alive
             & can feel
                             & can love again.

Darling** (I)
You are a dreamer.
All you do is reach and reach for the stars.
You said you wanted to give them to me
To prove your love.
But the trick here is.
You aren't a dreamer.
You're just high.
All the time.
And I can't get through to you.
You are tearing down the stars.
But the stars are my eyes.

Sweetheart (II)
"Your eyes..."
Is one of the first things you said to me.
I still want to know what you meant.

Honeybee (III)
An angel came to me the other night.
And then I realized it was just you.

I sit behind a girl who smells of vanilla
And envy her honey-kissed hair.
I could always get a new perfume
And dye my hair,
But one day I hope my plain mediocrity
Catches your attention.

I cannot stop my
Fantasizing about you
Killing me- slowly.

Typically I don't do this
I'm afraid this isn't going to be good
And all I want, is to impress you.

It isn't so easy to just let go
to let the memories, happiness, and love just wash away...
Maybe I don't want to let go
because I love the love and the happiness and the memories
because they were with you

we weren't healthy enough to continue
but when people are sick they don't just give up on life
they get better and keep going
I don't want to let you go
because you make me happy

I know we didn't work well together in a relationship
but we work well in keeping each other afloat
I may have lost you as my other half
but I'm not giving up my best friend

Maybe it's easy to let go
to let the pain, sorrow, and even the love drift away...
But maybe you shouldn't let go
because the love was strong and the memories were fond
because they were ours

we may not have been healthy
but you don't just abandon the sick
didn't you want to see us get better?
I don't want to let you go
You made me happy

I know you think we didn't work well together
but even you know that we kept each other alive
I have lost you as my other half
but I'm not giving up on feeling whole again.

It was a lazy
Day to watch television
And just lay with you.

I wait for the night
I long for your touch.
I wait for your heart,
But my pain is too much.

I live for your words.
I beg for your kiss.
I live for your love,
But it's too hard to miss.

I'm young
But I am not reckless.
Everything must be
Strategically
Thought
Out.

The monster between you and me
Is beautiful
(And lovely)
There is already a long distance
Between us.
Why must you insist on leaving?

We may never know what will happen
Even in just the distant future,
So let us just move on from this
Torment and get on with this life
Or finally face what we may be.
Now or never.

There is something about you that
Happens to attract me to you.
Everything you do is so appealing
Or maybe I am mistaken.

Just let me in, I promise I won't hurt you
Or do you not believe me?
So I take this time to apologize for
Everything that I have done to you.
Please believe that what I say is true.
Have you truly never believed me?

Getting over you was not a hard task.
Everyone thought it would be the end of my world
Or send me down a dark path.
Regretfully, I didn't find this to be a challenge.
Getting over you was easy and
Easier it is to move on.

Just seeing you walking
On the folds in my mind is enough to make
Every voice go quiet

Just the thought of you
Annoys me to no end.
Relentlessly you sought me-
One day I said it was enough.
Never speak to me again.

All I wanted was a good time
Until it was prolonged
So I try to make sure it ends.
Together, we make no sense
In time you will recognize this,
Now let me go.

I have a wish:
I wish to be with you,
And lie under the stars with you.
Gazing at the constellations
To interpret what we see in them.

I seem to be opposite most people.
I see the past in the sun,
In the light.
I see the future in the stars,
In the dark.

For me,
It is easier to make it through the night
Than through the day.

I never knew of
A person who would threaten
Me behind tulips.

No audible dialogue,
       but I still hear
       your voice in my
       head.

No tangible embrace,
       but I still feel
       your arms wrapped
       around me.

No sincere promise,
      so you still let
      me down all the
      time.

Breath
Skin
Lips
Sin
Melt
Eyes
Touch
Lies
Heat
Stain
Bury
Pain
Guilt
Fa­me
Torture
Shame

The aesthetic of leave-taking
Despises a self-satisfied kiss.

Right now it is pouring rain. A thunderstorm with lightning and all. It made me think of him.

I saw him on Thursday and the skies didn't look so pretty. "If the weather goes bad we can just dance in the rain, or kiss in the rain. Or whatever." I laughed a nervous laugh and we continued walking around downtown.

It was late- around 9 is when we were going to meet, but he had car trouble. I waited for him to get there outside on a bench. I was reading to pass the time. People started making me feel uncomfortable though. Some people slowed down when walking or driving past me; one person even felt the need to shout across the street at me, so when he said he finally made it, I immediately got up and started looking for him.

He were on the other side of the street. I was going to meet him over there, but he laughed at me before I could.

"What are you doing?" he asked. He had to shout so I could hear him from across the street.

"Going to the crosswalk to cross the street," I replied, but he was already running across the street- jaywalking, but he got to me faster so I didn't mind.

We made it back to the frozen yogurt place where I was waiting for him. While getting his yogurt, he and an older man in the store struck up a conversation. The older man asked, "Is this your wife?" and he immediately said, "Oh, no. Just a friend." No other conversation could be as  awkward while perfectly describing our relationship.

After he paid, we started walking around. I confessed to him that I avoid going places because I don't want to see my ex-boyfriend, and he understood. We went down another path to go where I would most likely not run into him.

We were cutting through a parking lot and his motto for me came up again. He always says I think to much- "You need to turn off your brain," he says. I try to listen, but it's much more difficult than I thought it would be.

After a while I started realizing that I was just a spastic, paranoid mess, and he noticed too. I decided that I needed tea to calm myself down so we walked back down to an ice cream shop that also sold tea and coffee.

We originally started out in chairs, but then we moved to one of the couches because it was more comfortable (and maybe we both just wanted an excuse to sit closer to each other). For some reason, my overly active mind seems to cease when he kisses me. Maybe I'm just feeling too much to process it or think of anything else, but my thoughts go silent. I never feel more alert. I may not hear things as well, but I never feel things more intensely.

By this point it was time for him to take me home. I didn't want to go home, but I had to. He started driving and I was just sitting quietly next to him. We had been listening to "Local Natives" the few times we were together, so it was fitting to play it then.

He kept telling me how attractive he finds me, and I know he means well, but after being demeaned by people who say they love you, it is hard to accept compliments or even just the truth. I tried not to be hard headed about it so I would just say thank you.

He wanted to drive the long route home so he would have more time with me. I wasn't going to complain or argue against him because I just wanted to be with him too. He parked at a stop sign so we could talk, and it was so nice to have someone who actually listened to me and didn't push me to do things that I didn't want to do.

We continued driving towards my house, but then he realized something was wrong with his truck, so he pulled over and assessed the situation. He asked me to use a phone as a flashlight, so I grabbed his and brought it out so he could see. Somethings make me want to assess certain situations, but I didn't want to do or say anything to ruin what was going on. I don't even know what was going on. All I know is:  our timing always *****.

The way he hugged me and held me before we got back in the truck made me never want to leave, but it was already past my curfew so I really needed to go. I wouldn't mind getting in trouble for being late because I was with him, but my parents thought I was out with other friends. That would have ended very poorly if they found out.

We got to my house and said our goodbyes. He is already back up in North Carolina now and I don't really know when I will see him again. I'm hoping soon.

I know that you don't want
Anything long term
Or serious right now
And I am completely fine
With being the smoke that
Fills your lungs
Even if just for a moment
And then as you exhale
And let me go
I'll be fine as I watch you
Extinguish the remaining glow
From the short cigarette
Of our relationship.

I sit. A pleasant
Chill arouses me into
An old trance-like state.

After all this time,
You better not let me down
Again. Not again.

But you always do
Again and again, but I
Won't let you this time.

I will not think twice
To protect myself from you
Because you hurt me.

With the constant doom of letting people down, I think it's best to fall short of solely my expectations, and no one else's.

I don't believe you when you
Tell me that it's better for
You to let go and walk away.

All I hear from you is
Leave me be and I can't stay
And you should run the other way.

But what your eyes say is you
Want me to be by your side
Forever and to stay right here.

Your body says to
Press on up against you and to
Never ever let you go.

Once you said you'd never leave me
But now I'm not so sure
Because every time that I can see you
You walk right out my door.

I don't believe you when you're
Haunting me and telling me
To let you in or let you go.

All I hear is that you're
Begging me to set you free
Cause you know this time it's meant to be.
Why just let go of me?

I am scared

C O N S T A N T L Y
I feel uncomfortable.

DON'T TOUCH ME!! please...

My skin is crawling all the time.
I can't take this anymore.

I feel strange

what is inside of me?

help me

HELP ME

Help Me

help me..

I think I'm dying.
I'm sorry I gave up.
I'm giving up.
Just make it go away.
Please make it

GO AWAY

...

I'm sorry for yelling..
I just can't take it anymore.
Goodbye.

I am infatuated with you
Not the idea of you.
Ever since we met
I never thought we could work
But we do
Well we did
You've been gone for a while
And I don't really know
If you are coming back
Will you make it home to me?
Or will you fall
And vanish forever?
Just let me know
When I lose you
Because I've lost you before
But this time I know it's for good.
Before we met,
Everything scared me.
Now I feel safe in your arms.
More secure than I ever did
Anywhere else.
Like safe as in I never had to worry.
Letting you take all my trust
Even when I thought it was too much.
Never did you fall, nor will you ever.

walk left.
  miss Washington DC to down rainy night
sadness cries
a monster is still at peace

die if I cry

somebody happy
about you.

The guests are leaving
The shoes are off
The mascara remains
Only because it is waterproof.

The room is empty
The music is off
The food remains
Only because it is already paid for.

The door is open
The lights are off
The flame remains
Only because there was no energy to extinguish it.

The veil is torn
The dress is off
The girl remains
Only because she does not believe you're gone.

I'll be the first to say
That i hate it.
It's so pointless to fight this.
Our defenses are on such a high intensity that we are stiff.
Nothing is comfortable anymore.
Even laying next to you is foreign
I feel as if something is pulling you away from within
We both say that we want to be together and don't want to lose each other,
But when we look back,
We see that we already resent the place we are in.
Always sneaking around
Meeting at parking garages just to get a kiss.
But it isn't just a quick one
We could kiss for hours if we had the time.
And we did one day
When we were together for ten hours.
But now we don't even have the time.
Different lives,
Different friends,
Different obligations.
We drink different coffee in the morning
And complain about how I can't just lay in your arms all day
Because we are running and
Hiding, lying,
Trying just to get a few moments alone with each other
But it is so hard
Because I am stuck in my superficial tower without a door
And no matter how many times you beg me to let down my hair
I can't.
They donated it to someone who actually deserved it.
I ask why you don't just go and find someone who deserves your love,
But you say, 
'Where's the fun in that, my dear?" 
You said,
"Love isn't supposed to be easy.
The harder you work for it, the more meaningful it is."
I just sit there and wonder how hard i have to work
Because I feel everything is starting to callus
Including my heart.
It's slowly turning into rock
And I don't mean for it to,
It's just every time I try I just can't be with you. 
You ask for all the reasons why and for your sake I make a list
But for my sake I take it and tear it apart so you don't worry
I don't want anything else affecting your life.
Especially me.
I'm just a girl that you'll think about in a couple of years and say,
"Oh her? I just knew her in high school.. I guess she was kinda cool."
But you
When I describe you, I'll be fighting back emotions
I'll say something along the lines of a boy who made a dent in my life
But in reality it wasn't a dent,
You took a lot from me, but in return you put stuff back. 
The void that was left empty before you
Was finally filled again with your kindness
But slowly it started to drain again
And when you tried to cover the holes it just made it worse.
You tried to be my nurse, but in reality you were my curse.
That savory poison that flows slowly through my veins
Sugar coating all the pain just to gain some recognition.
You just wanted me to need you.
And believe me.. oh I do

The world seems to be growing darker
That's what happens in winter.
The days get shorter and the nights get longer,
But my nights were already long to begin with.
My days are long too.
Everything seems so difficult.
Lifting my arm is hard labor.
I wonder when these hard times will end.

I feel like the room is spinning.
There is so much pressure in my brain
And it needs to go away.
Let it drain out of my mouth as beautiful words
That are carried on zephyr.
The wind will carry the words to you.
I hope you are flattered
Because normally you flatter me, but I wanted to do something different today.
I wanted you to say that you loved me, 
But it is all still pressed inside my head.