I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

I expect it to be like I see in films,
that I would be able
to call you
tell you I am so alone,
and within minutes
hear you knocking at my door,
only to press me against a wall,
your lips tracing patterns
along my neck,
and down my chest.
Have our bodies
create words,
apologies,
our mouths were unable to evoke.

I listened to the soft roll
of the gears in the elevator,
the girl we had just met
baring a smile,
"So you're the boy I hear
all the stories about?"

He replied with a smile and nod
as if it had not bothered him,
his reputation
the source of his pride
rather than a subject of disgust.

Now she turns to me
as I can feel my chest
grow tight,
"And you're still with him?"
she asks
with a bat of her eyelids.

I give out a fake laugh
and that was all,
for the girl we had just met
had said to me
what I had been avoiding,
the one fault
in the boy that I had loved.

She held his palms,
rough against the cool air
passing through small gaps of skin.
She breathed the frost
through her rasping throat,
curling it with her tongue
as it left her lips.
He watched her with intent,
his eyes unable to leave her.
They moved with each other
under the dim street lamps,
their mitten covered hands
bound tightly to one another.
Finally,
she managed to mumble those words,
so soft and sweet
as they wafted into the night sky,
filling the stars with a drunken glow
in their deepened atmosphere.
Finally,
he was able to receive them,
take them in
and feel his bones rattle,
his heart race,
and his mind pulse.
They were in love,
wandering on a bitter December,
unable to comprehend the enormity
of what they had tumbled to.

I recoiled
from under the sheets,
turned to your face
so lulled in sleep,
the man that I had committed
the deepest sin to,
now showing such innocence.

I reached for a cigarette,
cloth falling away
exposed goosebumps to bare skin,
and I listen to the silence
of the empty room.

How I had longed
for that innocence you possess
while you slept.

Although four years above me
you contained the mind
of a child,
and I
the mind of a woman.

Some came in chains
Unrepentant but tired.
Too tired but to stumble.
Thinking and hating were finished
Thinking and fighting were finished
Retreating and hoping were finished.
Cures thus a long campaign,
Making death easy.

I keep on dying again.
Veins collapse, opening like the
Small fists of sleeping
Children.
Memory of old tombs,
Rotting flesh and worms do
Not convince me against
The challenge. The years
And cold defeat live deep in
Lines along my face.
They dull my eyes, yet
I keep on dying,
Because I love to live.

Every time I kiss you
After a long separation
I feel
I am putting a hurried love letter
In a red mailbox.

and not in that pathetic delusional fat girl kind of way, and not in the fact that he is corny. No, my boyfriend is like a corn-dog because there is a big layer of nutritionless fried spongey batter that covers his insides. That batter is made up of three level cups of nice. Which is not to be substituted with "honest" or "real". No, nice is the only ingredient that can produce such a meaningless spongey layer to cover up the "love" "sincerity" and "caring" that makes up the center. That golden brown skin enticed me. But, it is what is inside that gives me substance.