I had a girlfriend in kindergarten but she had a cleft pallet.

Today I drove the Lexus to my job that pays minimum wage.

I'm not ***** I'm just making macaroni and cheese.

Your fake words carry more carcinogens than my pack of cigarettes and I only smoke on the weekends.

Yesterday I was about to eat a cookie but I said to myself, "diabetes, diabetes, diabetes."

I have decided that I am sad.

Sometimes I want to look like a *****.

the first time you told me you loved me was in a tiny hotel room by the river in limerick and i remember your ankles hooked around mine, our bones clanking together under the starch of the sheets. the second time your voice was warm from several pints of guinness and you were playing me fairytale of new york on your old piano that will be forever just a step out of tune. i could only laugh in response because i suddenly forgot how to use the words that i’ve spent years trying to comprehend. the third time you were out on your back patio, smoking a cigarette before heading to bed and the fourth on a freezing night out on a busy street in galway. i know you can hear the hesitation in my voice, the mild fear that shakes at the end of every exhale. you never mention it but you still keep using the words i love you as if you’re attempting to teach me a phrase in a foreign language in the hopes that one day i’ll pick up on what you’ve been trying to say to me all this time.

28 nov, 2012

there are some nights i find myself caught by my own reflection in a stranger’s mirror and i stand there scrutinizing every dip and curve trying to understand how this all came to be. the years of pain and disappointment have found a stable home in the lines of my face and it has altered the shape of it into a person i fail to see. i don’t recognize myself and these endless thoughts tumbling around are so foreign i fear they belong to someone else entirely. i don’t want them and need to give them back right now, take them back. i stare into the dark blue of my father’s hooded eyes and tighten my grip around my mother’s hipbones and understand that, with my grandmother’s hands, i will bury all that was left unsaid so deep until it becomes the very foundations for which i will build on.

28 oct, 2011

on late nights like these when i’m in this place all alone i can hear the trains periodically roll by like rhythmic thunder and it’s sometimes the only sound i’ll hear for several minutes, not even my own heartbeat loud enough to break the heavy silence. i am thankful for these moments and bury myself deep under the covers embracing the solitude like a casual lover. sometimes though it can be so paralyzing and everything from the past creeps up into my chest resurfacing old pains i hide in the deepest, darkest corners within myself that when the train comes thundering by it’s as if my past is charging through the night into my lungs all the way down to my curled toes.

30 may, 2011

holding each other
we kissed away our friendship
I mourn for it now

I know a girl with golden hair and a face so beautiful that it turns heads,
She has the oldest soul I've ever seen and she doesn't belong here with you and me.
But she stays and she loves and she'll hold your hand,
Because she knows your struggle and wants to help in any way she can.
Watch the way she moves,
Look at the way she smiles,
She shouldn't be here and knows it,
Yet she stays. Craving to give everyone true happiness,
I know a girl with golden hair so beautiful that that sun would be jealous.
She has the oldest soul I've ever seen and she doesn't belong here with you and me.

You are the salt I crave
That scalds my skin & brands my mind

I hunger for the oblivion of your lips
The famine of your naked skin

Imprisoned by the trance of your eyes
And swallowed by the gentle abyss of your voice

The cruel perfume of your forbidden skin
And taboo of your musk

Your warm thighs wrapped, butter soft, around me
I ache for the drowsy tangle of our joyful limbs

The sculpture of your arching back beneath my trembling touch
Your drifting hand, lazy traced across my cheek

I hunt at night for the dream of you, to feed my soul
I hunger for the moments when the universe dissolves & we float untethered, alone, together
Consumed in our feast

© Alfa Fido 2013

Sometimes I feel as though,
I am the only one who walks
silently in the midst of a civil war
between my body,
my mind,
and myself.

I poured out my heart and soul to you
In the corner of the first floor bedroom
Spilled the secrets

You smiled, wary,
Of broken hearts and broken bones
Of broken souls on the mend
An easy life is a hard one, but, you
hadn't quite figured that out yet.

You took me in your arms,
A confident man, with good posture
Convinced me that your care was all I needed
And, oh, I believed you until you broke my soul anew