incompetent.
the music in front of me blurred slightly
and my fingers curled above the piano keys.
the room filled with sounds like a rainbow after the rain.
i became that rain in the room,
and wondered what kind of light
should shine through my clouds,
if any.

I'm 15.
I'm 15 and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm 15 and I've been smoking cigarettes for
a year.
I'm 15 and I've been with more boys then I can count on one hand.
I'm 15 and my preexisting anxiety and depression are becoming too much for me.
I'm 15 and I don't know if I can do this anymore.
I'm 15 and I don't want to be 15.
I'm 15 and I want to be 6.
I want to be 6 when I swore I'd never touch a cigarette in my life.
I want to be 6 when I didn't even know what anxiety was.
I want to be 6 but I'm not.
I'm 15.
I'm 15 and I want to be 28.
I want to be 28 with a man who appreciates my flaws and loves me no matter what.
I want to be 28 drinking a glass of wine or two at dinner, but no more.
I want to be 28 but I'm not.
I'm 15.
I'm 15 and I'm scared.
I'm 15 and I'm scared because I'll never be 6 again, and I'm scared that I might not make it 28.
I'm 15 and I don't want to be 15.
I'm 15 and I want to be.

Once had a very good close caring friend
I thought the great times would never end

My boyfriend and I visited him habitually everyday
For many movies we watched, and games we’d play

One night my boyfriend left his gray jacket, I went to retrieve it so he wouldn’t worry
I returned to our friends to pick it up, have a short visit so I could leave in a hurry

When I arrived my good friend was acting very odd, very strange
I gave him a big hug and I could feel in him, there was a change

This wasn’t like him, and I felt in my mind I should leave
He seemed out of character , and I felt of doom and grief

We visited in his garage, which was also not normal
It was just an unannounced trip, it wasn’t to be formal

I noticed when I stepped in all this red paint he had spilled on the floor and ceiling
My thoughts of dread and darkness, I had stumbled in on was quite a scary feeling

As we were talking, he started slowly pulling down each blind.
I felt like I was a trapped animal, but I kept quiet in my mind

Soon, I heard a noise like a crying cat behind boxes, and I heard something fall
He said it was his cat that was playing nothing to worry about, wasn’t anything at all.

I cleared my voice  then said all of a sudden, well I must go soon
That my boyfriend was waiting for me, and it was almost noon.

He said you’re right, I know how he gets when you’re not on time  
Gave him a hug, quickly left, didn’t want to impose on his chime.

I left quickly without the gray jacket, and I really didn’t care
Just wanted to leave, there no more words for me to share

Two days later we read in the paper with fear
Our friend was arrested, that had been so dear

He was arrested for  first degree ****** and ****
The fear of reading this we could not ever escape

Fearing we’d soon be contacted by the authorities
We didn’t talk about this to anyone, it was a priority

No one ever contacted us, and we were quite relieved
This is the story that my grand-kids will never believe.

I always wondered if I had disturbed him that day
And if I could have been next, if I decided to stay

Many years later, I will never tell exactly
Just glad that it’s over and I feel quite lucky

Copyright 2015
All rights reserved.

At first I did love you,
but then the rain caught up.
Always thinking of you,
laying dormant on your crest.
To drink until you blurred,
until as velvet as the mist.

When I grow up, I'll be cool.
Smoke until my lungs float.
Drink until my body's a pool.
Think of people with three felonies,
singing the same penitiary melodies.
Think of girls that said no,
love that diminishes
while a fetus grows.

I'll think of my dad growing up
under a different circumstance.
Think if my mom could hear,
she'd probably like to dance.
Think of my grandpa and my brother,
one isolating, one with too much love--
I wish it'd smother
me, under a Christmas tree,
whispering, 'I wish I could give more,
but all I have is me.'

At first I did love you,
but the frame spills metal guts.
Always thinking of you,
the way your eyes, wide shut.
To think of a turn,
I watched it blur,
the glass shattered.
The paramedics mimicked me,
lifting me up,
'What's the matter?'

When I grow up, I'll be dope.
Find a nice blond and maybe elope.
Shake into her what was stirred into me,
and tell her not to mistake it for chemistry.
And bleed no more, so she doesn't believe,
that there used to be a weaker me,
but it's hard to control a certain circumstance--
like, what if my mom wished to dance?