i love you in places i hate myself the most

I wrote my suicide note when I was 13 and the only reason I didn't **** myself was because I was seeing one direction that summer and I didn't want the tickets to go to waste.

2. in 7th grade I got sick and couldn't eat anything for 3 days. I felt better after a few days but it left me with a habit of having to eat the least in a group of people.

3. in 8th grade I had a panic attack at 3am cause I thought about kissing girls. I cried until I almost threw up and I still don't know if I'm okay with it.

4. the summer before high school I had a crush on my best friend. then again sophomore year.

5.  I know I have a great life with great people but I want more.

6. I loved him. I couldn't tell him that because I'm petrified of someone knowing everything about me.

7. starting in 7th grade I cut my wrist every day for a year. and then my thigh for another two.

8. I'm extremely jealous of every single one of my friends.

9. I've thought to myself "yeah but I'm skinnier than her" more times than I'd like to admit.

10. I wish I killed myself when I was 13

pretty.
that's the only way I can describe him.
pretty.
he's not beautiful. he's too soft to be beautiful.
he's made up of sugar scrubs and peach lotion.
he's pretty.
such a simple word but it describes him so well.
his lips are pretty. his hair is pretty. his eyes, oh my god, his eyes are so pretty.
he's delicate. he's caring. he's loving.
he's pretty.

We were both just hands, lips, and too loud music.                
The kind that takes your breath away and changes the rhythm of your heart.                              
Needy whispers and sad eyes.  
Where we would just pretend to be okay.                                      
It was a Sunday spent doing nothing but trying not to think.
Trying not to think about how alike we are and how much you mean to me.                      
How much I need you.

how can people say our love is wrong when they haven't seen the way I look at you
and when we kiss I feel like everything is okay
and your hand fits so perfectly in mine.
how can they call us sinners when they haven't seen you laughing with your head thrown back
until your cheeks are red and there's tears stinging your eyes
and the look on your face when you say you love me but ******* you're so scared.
how can they do that when they don't know what it's like to be so deeply in love
they've never felt something this strong and I try to think they just don't understand
but how can they miss the way my eyes light up when I think about you
and the way your cheeks turn pink at the mention of my name.
and they can't say it's not God's will when the only thing I'm so certain about is loving you
and because there's no way in hell he brought you into my life and expected me not to fall in love with you.