I let different boys touch me
Because I wanted to know
Even for a second
What it felt like to be loved
Even if the love was cheap
And it tasted like ***
Like the punchline to a joke
I never got because it was me

I let different boys have different parts of me
Parts they didn't deserve
But I offered up willingly because I couldn't give anything else
after you broke me
I was looking for different fingers
to place different pieces and hoping  the outcome
would be a masterpiece
Maybe one of them would find a way
to cover up the handprints you left all over me

I let different boys touch me because I had to prove to myself
you wouldn't be the only one
that these scars marking my body wouldn't define
my worth to be loved
I am not entirely sure  
you aren't the only one who could ever touch me without slightly  flinching

I let different boys touch me because that is all I have been taught
To be a joke
To be silent
To be ready to give until you have nothing left
- they keep leaving me and I am to scared to offer up anything more than my body to get them to stay

Sometimes I think
I don't quite understand
I haven't quite comprehended
The extent
To which you hurt me
The wounds and the scars
That bash inside me
Being lied to
Realising you watched me
Cry in pain
Watched scars form in my heart
You merely listened quietly
as "damaged"
Was ripped across my heart
You let it happen
You let me scream out
"I'm not good enough, am I?"
"He left me because I refused to have *** with him. That's all I was to him, wasn't I? I'm just an object of *** and that's all I'll ever be, right?"
"He left me for her. He cheated on me. He never loved me, did he?"
And you merely nodded and agreed
And let me believe
Lies that you told me
Lies that you fed me
You watched anger and betrayal fill my heart
You watched me ache for a year
And you took advantage of the need in me to be pure again
You took advantage of my aching heart
You took advantage of my giving nature
You took advantage of my drunken lust
You took advantage of my lips
You took advantage of my opened shirt
You took advantage of my loosened bra
You took advantage of my unbuttoned pants
You took advantage of my hands and placed them somewhere I didn't want them
You
You disgusting man
You took advantage of me
And you enjoyed every second of it

Liar
Liar
Liar

That's all you'll ever be

But I... I...

I forgive you.

My haemotologist told me today
That I'm pretty interesting
I'm quite cheeky
And I should write a book someday

As he was doing the bone marrow test
I told him my stories
Ridiculous stories from my life
The hilarious one of how I crushed my toes when I was seventeen
(don't worry, I do have toes today, but that's a story for another day)
The enchanting, exciting tale of how I broke my arm
As he was injecting into my bone
I wanted to scream
I merely told my story
"I was jumping on the trampoline and i nearly jumped on this little boy's face-"
"you jump on people's faces? Now I'm scared, girl!"
"No, no. To avoid that I... I... I jumped back..."
And then he started injecting
And needles scare the hell out of me
And I screamed
"back and back and back and back...AND BACK! OH GOD, IS IT OVER YET?"
I've dealt with so much pain, but I still can't handle needles. Cancer tries to set that fear alight, but I'm still afraid.

"No, not yet."
I guess that's what my life is
This endless amount of pain
This constant betrayal from life
"okay okay okay, I'll tell another story. Do you know I had a disease only 1% of the world gets when I was 5 and I nearly died."

He then told me some of his stories
I didn't quite listen
Because pain is unbearable
He told me a story about bananas and orthopedic surgery...
Then something about him wanting to be a singer, but him also miming in the choir like I used to
I told him I could sing
Then they wanted me to sing in the middle of that procedure
No no I am not a girl of mediocrity
If I sing, it has to be perfect
No pain making me off key
Then he said something about Neil Diamond


And then it was over
And I didn't quite complete all my stories
And he told me
"You're a smart girl
And interesting
Write a book someday
And don't give up your studies."

Six months of my life on hold
Let's see how this goes
Let's see how many stories I have to tell at the end of this
I promise you now though
My story isn't over
And one day I will write something
Something Inspiring
And something good
A classic
Well, I'm hoping


Haha, a physicist writing a book?
Let's see how this one pans out for me

Sometimes I think
I don't quite understand
I haven't quite comprehended
The extent
To which you hurt me
The wounds and the scars
That bash inside me
Being lied to
Realising you watched me
Cry in pain
Watched scars form in my heart
You merely listened quietly
as "damaged"
Was ripped across my heart
You let it happen
You let me scream out
"I'm not good enough, am I?"
"He left me because I refused to have *** with him. That's all I was to him, wasn't I? I'm just an object of *** and that's all I'll ever be, right?"
"He left me for her. He cheated on me. He never loved me, did he?"
And you merely nodded and agreed
And let me believe
Lies that you told me
Lies that you fed me
You watched anger and betrayal fill my heart
You watched me ache for a year
And you took advantage of the need in me to be pure again
You took advantage of my aching heart
You took advantage of my giving nature
You took advantage of my drunken lust
You took advantage of my lips
You took advantage of my opened shirt
You took advantage of my loosened bra
You took advantage of my unbuttoned pants
You took advantage of my hands and placed them somewhere I didn't want them
You
You disgusting man
You took advantage of me
And you enjoyed every second of it

Liar
Liar
Liar

That's all you'll ever be

But I... I...

I forgive you.

I never thought I'd appreciate home so much... The last time I was home I was packing up for res and had long hair and life was normal. The saddest, most dramatic thing that happened thus far was a stupid heartbreak and I thought the was the end of the world. Then I got back to res and I felt strange. My diagnosis happenened and life changed complete after a man uttered three words into my life that changed my life into a series of hurdles and challenges and life completely changed. Nothing was normal. Life's focus completely changes and home is a far, distant concepts unknown to you. Home became a bubble. Home becomes a hospital room. I never knew I missed my own bedroom so much. God, you never appreciate something until it's gone do you. You don't appreciate anything until you year "you have cancer" and your greatest Fears come to life. You see your parents beg to God you'll live. You don't want to see them because you don't want reality to hit you. Then, you get home and you have to come out of this daze. This is real. This is happening. Cancer is so real and in your face. You can't avoid it anymore. This happened and you can't stay in this little positive bubble for too much longer. The bubble has burst and reality has hit you right in the face.
This happened.
But, you're surviving.

How crazy...
Tomorrow
I would've written my first exam
of second year...
Now, tomorrow
I go home after
a whole month in hospital
Crazy how life can change
in one moment...
From one man's voice...
From three words...
From one diagnosis.

It's crazy how life
Can be one thing for so long
And one moment life
Everything changes
Everything is different
And suddenly you're on a different path
Life is predictable
Don't you dare think
You can control
This whirlwind temptress
We call life