You only love me when I let you pull apart my peices

my mouth burns



since i was young i was taught to please,
taught to hold the flames in my gums
and let them burn my flesh
for the sake of others

the words i have eaten rise like flames in my throat,
scorching every bite i take
like it was my fault

the charred teeth make it hard to eat
so i stopped
(it did wonders for my figure)
(at least, that's what they said)

the root of my teeth turns green with rot,
until it's indistinguishable from the bile in the sink
their opinions served to me on a silver platter,
red and pulsing organs matching the scarlet scars
on my wrist and in my mouth

this life was given to me,
this heirloom passed down,
so everyone gets to feel the weight
of wanting to be needed
and needing to be wanted

when the opinions go uneaten
(i'm full on my own)
the heart goes unbeaten
(why should i help you)
the response unsweetened
(you're not helping)
and the meat reacts
(violently)

so the scars are ignored,
the burning mouth and charred teeth unnoticed.


their rotting flesh is painted red

why did you leave
why is it always me
why am i the sick one
why are you always perfect
why should i have known
why didn't you tell me before
i didn't understand
i didn't know what i was doing wrong
and now it's going to happen all over again

why did you leave me
and why didn't i deserve to be okay?

i've always wondered what it would feel like to stitch my skin open
to have control over myself
finally

to reshape my body
by cutting away at parts
and stitching in others

will the silk thread
and red-hot needle
bear the weight of my troubles

or will it snap

and my stitches come undone

i'm the oldest daughter
that means getting love and validation from my family is transactional

my mother is proud of me
she thinks i'm an amazingly talented person
until my grades drop
now i'm sad

my father loves me
he calls me his twin
until i start acting my age
now im weird

my sister looks up to me
she wants to be just like me
until i try to be myself
now im embarrassing her

my other sister likes to be around me
i'm her best friend
until i stand up to her
now im a bully

i'm the oldest daughter
i'm the greatest person in the world
until i'm not

hi

beware of getting close to me.

we can be friends for a while,

and then i’ll get attached.

that’s when things get sour

i fall apart thinking about what you think about.

growing close to you is terrifying..

and i can’t quite go with it.

I’m sorry

i’m scared

i’m not good at this.

Can we forget that this existed?