I’m sorry I haven’t written you a poem.
You would think almost four years would have been enough time.
It’s ironic because there is nothing to profess
No profound feelings to be had
Just coming to a realization.

My mind is oddly at ease.
The turmoil that previously resided there seems to have moved on
Like a storm passing over a ship.

I am no longer in love with you.

It’s hard for me to pinpoint if it was the long distance that did it for me
or maybe it was the lack of communication in the end
Maybe there’s a hint of jealousy and despair seeing you thrive in a place that was so toxic to me.
But, I would never ask you to leave your happiness and success
And I hope you will do the same for me.
I’m thankful for the relationship we had.
I could not have become the woman I am today without you.
You have given me the independence I’ve always craved
For you were the crutch I needed to get walking
But now it’s time for me to run
For me to start my life
Without you.
You may never forgive me.
And that’s okay.
but I can’t live my life tied down to such a volatile place
and I can’t love where my voice isn’t remembered.

As I lay in bed after a long day
My thoughts still wonder to you
Months have gone by like seconds
But like a picture in a frame
I’m trapped in the past
Lingering in what used to be

I wonder if you feel the same
But subconsciously know the truth
Your sweetheart warms your bed at night
A dream you never thought could be true

I am happy for you
But there is still a sting of pain
Wishing I were her too

At the end of the day
it was her you were searching for...
To be your everything
Not me.

When I stare at my screen to write
or have a spare moment to myself
All I can think of is you.
It’d be foolish to call you my muse
But your presence in my life has struck a cord I can’t seem to shake
Try as I might to forget you
our memories flow into my mind so effortlessly

A part of me wonders if your thoughts wander to me too
like the nights of pulling me closer to your chest,
but another part doesn’t want to know
in fear that you no longer feel the same.
It’s ironic, really
that I used to feel so open with you
and would tell you everything.
Now I’m scared to know what you’re thinking,
so I live in this fantasy of unawareness
to keep my feelings from shattering further

I hate to admit my weaknesses
and try to hide my emotions when I can
but you see through me so easily
So I think it’s safe to say my biggest weakness has become you.

I love you
and it has taken me too long to say this.
I held off knowing my words would sound more selfish than endearing,
but it was so hard not to fall for you.
You made everything feel so right.
So, my skydive began
As felt myself plummet to the Earth’s surface but with you at my side I felt invincible.

So, when I think of you
my mind flutters not only for everything we were
but everything we could’ve been.
I think of the misfortune of our situation
but maybe that’s what made me grasp a little tighter
hold a little longer
and be a little more carefree with my feelings.

Maybe it would’ve been different if we could’ve  truly been together.
We could’ve fallen out of love as so many couples do
or turned too comfortable in each others company.
I like to fantasize a different reality
where our futures collided and never strayed;
they stay entangled like our legs under the sheets...

But, I'm torturing my mind at this point
waving what could be in my face
beating a dream until every last drop has seeped from its corpse,
but like the undead it seems to always rise at night and haunt my thoughts as I try to fall asleep.

I honestly didn’t know a heart could hurt this much.
This constant sinking feeling in my chest that has anchored itself within me.
Try as I might I can’t shake it
it physically hurts knowing you can’t be mine
not because of lack of passion but rather our lives taking different directions.

The worst part about this is not only watching you slip away
but knowing it’d be selfish to try to stop you.

I have never felt so hollow.
This feeling is so deafening in the silence of my room

I never thought one person could have such a hold on my heart
But here it lays in a thousand pieces
as it once was before

It’s a little different this time, though
We both let go at the same moment
After we came to the realization that Destiny and Life do not always see eye to eye
Despite not wanting to release the grasp of this feeling we called love

We entertained ideas of what could be
To lessen the blow of what we are now
And what we can never become
I’m not one for fairy tales
But I would read a thousand stories if it meant the ending always was me with you.

I pray that one day I look up and see you standing before me
and that I’ll never have to let you go
Despite knowing that our paths will never cross again

A new path has started to etch itself before me
and I find myself reflecting on my journey and how it used to be
I’ve committed my whole life to this dream
but looking back it’s the only path I’ve stayed true to it seems
I’ve sacrificed so much to be here
But what is a dream without conquering some fears?
Or suffering through pain and shedding some tears?

I don’t know if the aching of my heart is a requirement to fulfill dreams or if it’s just the aftermath of it all
But I won’t let anyone see and I’ll keep standing tall

Because I know looking back that the turmoil endured has helped be grow
and has taught me not only to go with the flow
But to forgive those who tried to shatter my passion that clearly shows

So, thank you to everyone that I’ve met along the way
There is so much you’ve done for me every day
and despite the pain some of you have caused
It did not cause me to hesitate or pause
but rather push forward even harder
toward this dream of mine

So, here’s to my next adventure.
I know it’ll be so much to endure
But if i’ve spent my whole life chasing you
I’ve got nothing to lose.

It’s quite sad really
That every moment I’ve had to myself
I try to figure out what I have done wrong
Like there is absolutely no way
That all this pain could have been caused by you.

Angry screams bounce effortlessly
                      around my head;
they're too loud to dismiss.
         shoving me forward
attempting to push me

                                                 off.


                                     I attempt to hold my ground,
                                       but the yelling mutates into wails
                                                           ­                           shrieks
                              ­                                                in distress
                                                        ­                 pain
                                                            ­       anger
                                                           ­ suffering
                                     guiding me backward
                             towards the edge.
         Did I really cause this much


                                                         ­                                                pain?

                                                        ­                              It would be so easy to jump
                                                            ­                   accidentally 'slip'
                                                          ­             give up
                                                              ­    let go
                                                            fa­ll

and never look back.