Sitting next to you in class
After everything went down the way it did
Is scalding water on my skin
burning away any of my healing flesh
that I had grown since I last saw you

I knew you were raw
I would be too
5 years is an infinity to me
I cant imagine
but I feel so raw
without you now
I understand as much as I dont want to

You disappeared as quickly as you came
And I mean that in a ***** way
But I never told anyone that
Quick comer and faster goer

I get by on pretending that you look at me when I look away
I have no way to prove that you do
I like to think that you would
Even though you have her to look at

There are not enough words in the world
not enough hours of sleep
not enough alcohol or drugs
to remove your face from my brain

Watching you treat her was supposed to make me forget you
It makes me want you more
It makes me want to be her
Not her, but in her place I mean because I could treat you better

(I couldn't treat you better)

My hair is black, my eyes are black
Genetics did that
Which is strange because my parents features aren't dark

It's been so nice out lately
The sun shines so brightly through my blinds
Turning my room into a gray and yellow striped abyss

I wish you were in my bed with me when the sun shines brightly
Running your hands through my black hair
Staring into my black eyes
And intertwining your fingers with mine
Of course with painted black nails

I wake up a lot during the night
My eyes betray me
I see your figure curved against mine

It isn't you but a shadow, illusion of my mind
It is darkness
Black

Big, strong hands over my hands
Which aren't very small
And that's why I liked your hands
Made me feel small

I don't do much with my hands
I think about what you might do with yours
Perhaps you play guitar
Or lift weights or make things
Like bird houses or fix cars

I have chipped nail polish
Black like the night as it is
I should fix it
But I don't do much with my hands
Except for when it comes to you

Hands upon hands
Grasping clasping wishing wanting
Desperate for more

As I hypothesize what you do with your hands

There was nothing poetic
About the way you couldn't really kiss that well
Or how I didn't know if you liked me, you made it hard to tell

But you probably did that on purpose
You made me feel like I had no purpose
That was easy to tell
And I knew it all too well

There was nothing poetic about the way you held my arms above my head
And straddled me in my own bed

There was nothing poetic about your lack of eye contact
And for that manner, lack of any tact

But there's something poetic about knowing what you were
A blue eyed monster in my bed
Trapped inside my head

5 showers
192 hours
And I'm still under your power

Your touch on my skin
As I let you creep in
Original sin
But it felt like my first blessing
While we were *******

One week later
To your desires I no longer cater

What I would do to feel your arms around me once more
The last time will always be in my room at 5 minutes to four
I walked you to the door
You wanted nothing more

my nothing, my no one
I will only know you like the moon knows the sun
Bonded by a night
But feelings change in the morning light

Someone tricked you into believing the beautiful lies that sparked a fire in your eyes
Allowed your expectations to soar through the skies
Because you believed them, not very wise
Until they are brought back down to earn and shot and you're forced to watch them die

Kind smile and a presence that didn't seem so definite
You put me in a frenzy and then left me in it
A smirk and a goodbye that was final unbeknownst to me
When you left me in my room for the last time 57 minutes after 3

With a mouth that only spewed ******* and manipulation
Pushing me away from my barely there logic into manic infatuation

An infatuation that blinded me from seeing the truth
Locking me in my own insane room and you were the irremovable roof

So while I wasted my time waiting for a stupid text message notification
And you pulled my heart strings and bended my limbs like I was your personal creation
A million other ******* things happened across the nation
Yet all I cared about was what ended up being a meaningless love vs. lust altercation

I can still hear the stress in my voice when I desperately tried to get you to express some
EMOTION
You were more concerned with our body's state of motion

An electric charged woolen sweater taken out of the dryer
I'd rather be clingy then with a cold heart heated strictly by ****** desire

When I applied to this school I was warned of the cold days ahead
But never of the boys that will say anything to get into bed
Or the way all of this ends up destroying my head

I keep saying I won't fall for this because I learned my lesson
But as a final confession
I will fall for version two of you once again maybe this time with different colored eyes
But the same animal in a nice guy disguise

I'd rather be clingy like a static electric t-shirt
Then cold and alien like a pile of dirt

1) He doesn't make eye contact
2) He makes eye contact
3) If he touches you on the waist right after you meet
4) If he doesn't touch you at all
5) If he laughs at all your jokes
6) If he makes you think you're special
7) If he makes you feel hopeful
8) If his texts make your day
9) If the only way you know you'll be happy is if you have *** with him
10) If he leaves you after you tell him about 6 through 8

On the last day of school when I was younger
We would be brought to our next years teachers class room
Even then I was looking for cute boys
Why

How could I trick you into loving me
When I can't even trick myself into liking me

I sit in lecture
I think of your eyes
I wonder if you sit in lecture
And think of my eyes
But most likely you are taking notes
I should be too but my conscious has deemed you more important
I wouldnt change it
Failing for you as I fall for you

If these texts had a scent
It would be liquor
If anyone knew how broken I felt
They'd say to fix her

Liquid courage served in a red cup
Just to work up the nerve to text you and ask what's up

In the hopes of reminding you I exist
Combined with the sick hopeless idea that it's me you may miss

Little miss independent don't need no man is distraught that she doesn't fit in your ****** up game plan

Here I sat writing your last name after my first
I am manipulated by your game, you have me under your cruel curse

So I'll shoot you a lovesick text
Even though you just wanted ***
While you're onto casting a spell on the next
And I'm still under your vex

No strings attatched? He asked
I laughed at that

As I watched my skin break into threads
Intertwined and braided all the way to your place in my head

Visualizing these strings leaving my body and landing around your throat
While I agree in the hopes of you saying just kidding to the words you just wrote

You see I am made of strings
And other types of attatchments that lead to things

Like getting hurt when a boy asks to be no strings attached
When it was coincidentally to him that I was latched

Not to mention, this boy in question never prior showed these intentions

A flirty smile here or there to me meant he might want to date
The Hopeless romantic in me says he might be fate
When in reality he was waiting until it got late to ask me to hook up like an animal looking for a mate

Prince Charming with no charm
All you did was cause me harm

So when you ask a girl to be friends with benefits
And in her heart she has made you a resident,
Use some of the tact that this boy lacked
Knowing that once you're involved
There is no going back

Friday night
The time is right?

Suddenly you must see me, you insist
When Sunday through Thursday I do not exist

The week end is where I'm weak
Because it is you that I seek

But while you crave flesh on flesh connection
I crave adoration and affection

Which cannot be found in your arms or seemingly anyone's around here
So the main source of our meeting is my fear that you will be the only one to come near

Drunken nights become hung over morning regret
Moon light makes me yearn for you while the sun tells me we should have never met

Advil may take away my aching head
But you have created a permanent spot in my heart when all you wanted to do was be in my bed

4 shots of ***** in and I feel the buzz
Drunk enough to think that there will be more to us

So here comes Whiskey breath and empty words spewing from in between your teeth
Ode to my 48 hour romance at the end of the week