I am broken
I've seen things
No one should ever see

I've had pain
Unbearable pain
That takes a lifetime to heal

I am broken

But just for a minute
The past disappears
And life resumes

A glimpse of what could be
The unattainable
The normal

I am able to forget

You've arrived
And shown your cards
I want to play the game

In that minute
Of a worldly bliss
There is hope

Concealed in a kiss.

recovery is not pretty.
it is not painless or simple or instant.
it is a road littered with backsliding and obstacles and doubt.
a path marred with reopened scars and sleepless nights and feigned smiles.

recovery is rubberbands and ice cubes and pacing and cigarettes.
it is phone calls at 3am when you can barely breathe and all the walls are closing in.
it is screaming at the ones you love because they love you too much to let you break your skin.

it is long sleeves and overly-cautious internet browsing and lots of movies.
it is eating way too much ice cream and taking walks in the middle of the night.
it is hard. recovery is hard. it is messy. it is painful and chaotic. but it is not impossible.

I took a pickaxe to my heart
and chipped away the poison
clogging my arteries and
slowing my pulse to a whisper;
after years of build up
I finally curbed the beast within
but things were too good to be true.

Now my pulse beats a different tune
to what I've grown so used to
and I no longer crave the poison
that built walls around my heart
leaving me helplessly trying
to figure out what I want
and who I am
without the monster who controlled me

Recovery is a long and painful process.
Its a lengthy, twisting, one way road.
It is not fair, life never is.
You need to accept that that is just the way it goes.
Broken hearts, they will never shatter even.
We were so close until the day she said she was leaving.
It was so easy for her to let us go.
She left me here alone and why I still don't know.
She thought I would be broken, as soon as she was gone.
Now it's time for me to prove that she had thought wrong.
Yes I cared about her; she had said she cared about me.
Those were empty words, burdened with all the lies that I now see.
It was far too perfect that I should have known it could never be true.
It hurts even after so much time; my recovery is beyond overdue.
I was blindsided; she always knew exactly the right words to say.
She made my heart race and I had never considered the chance that she would just walk away.
I wish I had known what she had planned to do.
Because she only proved why trusting people is not what I should do.
Now there are no more lies and I’m no longer waiting.
No more time of mine is she taking.
I am so done; I wasted so much of my time.
All on a girl who couldn’t even consider mine.
My heart still stands, as if it was never broken.
It is as strong as her lies, so easily spoken.
But the time I had with her I will never regret.
She taught me a few lessons that I will not soon forget.
The first thing I learned is to not trust someone with your heart,
Because in the end, it will likely end up ripped apart.
Then there’s lesson two, and this comes from a different part;
Do not be with someone if you already know you’re going to break their heart.
I’m done lying to myself and not completely accepting me.
It only took a broken heart and then the recovery.

and all of a sudden
i can breathe again

why
does it have to be
so
****
hard?
I miss it
I miss the fire in my veins
the adrenaline
I miss the feel of steel kisses
grazing my arm
and touching my veins
I miss the darkness, so romantic
begging me to give in
pleading with me,
"just one more"
I miss the thrill,
and the rush of feeling
something that isn't emptiness
for once.
I miss it.
but I can't return to my cold lover
because if they found out
they'd take me away from you
and then,
my soul would truly become black.
why is it so hard?

I told myself
Reinforced and believed
That I was not enough
To suit anyones needs

Outside the battle
Not one could recognize
That I was any different
When it came to my insides

Raging, the war fought on
And my mind almost won
At least a good 20 times
Before any break in the fight

Restrained by cement
At the bottom of seas
I struggled to break chains
And find strength
To resurface as me

Few are the ways, to weaken chains
But razors seem enough
Dealing with incurable pain
At least until one day

Sparks flew down
Under this sea
Brittling constraints
And I broke free