I’m doing just fine. I go out on the weekends and I dance with strangers like it doesn’t remind me of you. I laugh with new friends and the smell of jasmine no longer makes me think of your perfume. I no longer remember how the lights from those tungsten stars reflected in your eyes. And guess what, I can smile brighter now and I’ve even forgotten the way your hand fit seamlessly into mine. I can go home alone, turn up the TV and drown out every single memory of you.

Don’t get lost in yourself
Get lost in me
I can take the troubles you carry
I can take it if you let me.

Hey you,
Here’s a map
a path that leads
from my heart
straight to yours
if you look closely
you’ll see that although apart
mine’s cradled in your hands
and head to head
cheek to cheek
I wish I could kiss
all your demons away.

Nothing beats a heartbreak
clenched fists and sweaty palms
gasping for air
on the bedroom floor
we cling to caricatures drawn with shaky hands
but who expects an honest portrait
laughing and yelling
under those conditions, you internalise them
no one said you had to be a superhero
when as you gaze out that train window
just remember
it’s the reflection that’s blurry
and not you.

C r e a t e    t  s  u  n  a  m  i  s
u n d e r        m y             s k i n
b y   g h o s t i n g   f i n g e r t i p s
o n                m y             h i p s.

Life has its small moments
commonplace beliefs that have become significant
But your heart aches with wonderlust
to escape reality for a moment
and embark on countless journeys,
cathartic and empowering.

So what happens when someone falls for you?
I am no longer able to be who I used to be
See, I’m fixated on the next step
I’m that someone who’s into you
And I’ll linger on the small moments
and reminisce the fleeting glances
in the hopes that there is something bigger
something much better
waiting in the hazy lazy days of the future.

In that crowded restaurant, the air was thick with smoke my head was lost in a gentle buzz. The din of the dinner crowd was matched only by the music blaring on the loudspeakers. It was so loud I could not even hear myself think. A good excuse to lean in close whenever you spoke. I pretended not to hear you the first two or three times just so that you would remain inches from my face. You were so close that I could feel your hot breath on my cheek. I watched your lips move and tried to focus on what you wee saying. Every instinct told me I should lean a few inches forward and close that gap between us. But there were too many people watching. That restaurant was too **** well lit for even the briefest of encounters between waiting lips. I’m sure people were watching us. I’m sure people were watching you. Could they tell what was on both our minds? The elderly couple behind you kept looking at us. Maybe they thought we were siblings. How funny that would be because just then, you grabbed my hand from off the table and placed it on your thigh. You could’ve been a little drunk but I didn’t mind at all. Maybe I was a little bit intoxicated as well. Intoxicated on your perfume, your smile, your eyes and your thigh under my hand. You didn’t care that now you’d caught everyone’s attention. The bar manager saw and I guess he was smiling. Because given half a chance I bet he would have loved to be me at that moment. But you were with me and I was getting lost in the way your lips moved when you spoke. You kept drinking and I wished I could be the libation that would quench your thirst forever. I wished that I could be everything you ever needed. And I kept wishing we weren’t in that busy restaurant and I cursed that table for being so small. Maybe it was the smoke, or that look in your eyes, but if you would have asked me, even in a hesitant whisper, I would have taken you home with me immediately. But instead we sat there and our mouths spoke of the mundane whilst our eyes communicated the profane. I kept drawing circles on your thigh. Hoping the signal I was sending out was loud and clear. Why’d you have to be so close yet so far away?

Sitting in a bright sunny place
you feel the dark collapsing around you
it settles in your heart
oppressive like a dark cloud
but Love,
that’s just your shadow
turn around
and look at me.

I love speaking with you
but I’m afraid
nervous and unsure
of these sentences
I string together
and how you’ll receive them
(they’re yours).

A kiss
but a brief encounter
of souls, through lips,
but how does a moment
contain such enormity
when falling in love
could taste like centuries.

You came in like a tornado
and intoxicated me
suffocated me
with words and thoughts and ideas
you are a single incident
an organised whole
perceived as more than the sum of your parts
your voice, your gestures, your smile
you’ve stained me
you are my Gestalt.

The wind howls
and torrents of rain batter
crashing relentlessly
against the stained glass windows of my heart
pouring down in rivulets
as the ghosts of what we were
still haunt me.

After their diaspora
all that remained
was no longer a home.

I rose early to greet my lover
and when it was time for her to rise
I blew a kiss towards the heavens
and the skies blushed as the world awoke.

Liquid darkness dissipates into luminescence
as first light bathes the bowered pathways through a tangle of roses
it settles in the valley of your back
and on the delicate slopes of your shoulders
spreading within seconds
ink bleeding on paper
like the blissful unfurling of seraph wings that fill the horizon.

I can feel the earth pulsing with energy
outside the measured cadences of birds hum and sing and ring
I said to my soul, “be still and be quiet”
just remain enveloped in this consensual hallucination
within the seconds of light that shimmer between two dimensions
as specters of dust dance around your sleeping form
they catch the light and I am bewitched.

I would usually drive home but it was the sort of night that you just had to experience. It was one of those humid nights but chilly enough that I had to turn my collar up. So I walked back and let the pulse of the city engulf me. I felt rather cool and fancied that I struck a very Dean-esque figure walking about as adrenalin pumped through the streets and flowed into me, energising me. You suddenly grabbed my hand and I felt electricity flow through your fingers and jolt me. I think you felt it too because you smiled when I winced from the touch. Tomorrow morning the city would return to normal buzzing with business folk rushing about with cups of coffee in one hand and cellphones in the other but tonight it bristles with magik. And just like us, tomorrow we would morph into our old boring selves again but for now we could pretend to be anyone we wanted to be.

This emotional crutch
needs an emotional crutch
someone is always waiting
hopelessly
I am always waiting
crying out
take me with you when you go
as you disappear into the tide
that pulls you under.

I’ve tried
but I’ve taken all I can
when my tongue tries to fight
a piece of me dies trying to conceal it
there is nothing left of this heart
but a lump of meat turned to coal.

So when I’m gone
(please) don’t preserve my memory
I’m not your insect immortalised in amber
or your corpse waiting frozen in ice
don’t romanticise what this is
it was what it was till it was no more
just scatter what remains
and forget me.

Let the tears and the clouds explode
scorching you
as rain falls heavy like molten lava
it fills the void of what was once real
an imagined illusion
like dark shadows dancing on walls
and now a rumble like rolling thunder
edges closer
stifling you with its presence
breathe in deep
whilst the deluge fills your lungs
drowning your screams
and everything that once was
the current whips you and it tosses you like a banshee in the night
breaking the silence with a smile and a fright
till left becomes right and up becomes down
till nothing but a broken shell remains
bloodied, dismembered
and disfigured.

If you would just lift the fog that sits heavily upon your eyes you’ll see an azure sky. The birds swim in delight above you and they’re calling your name. And look how the sun kisses your pale skin. Can you feel it’s gentle bite teasing you? Doesn’t that warmth feel wonderful? Just breathe and let the knot that resides in your chest melt away. No one can be sad on a day like today. Open your sweet eyes to a new beginning. I can assure you the dark damp night has finally left your heart.

If you would just lift the fog that sits heavily upon your eyes you’ll see an azure sky. The birds swim in delight above you and they’re calling your name. And look how the sun kisses your pale skin. Can you feel it’s gentle bite teasing you? Doesn’t that warmth feel wonderful? Just breathe and let the knot that resides in your chest melt away. No one can be sad on a day like today. Open your sweet eyes to a new beginning. I can assure you the dark damp night has finally left your heart.

It must be nice
the feeling
to be wanted
to be needed
to inspire such beauty
to inspire such chaos
I just hope that one day
someone will want me
the way that he clearly wants you.

You find each other
like driftwood
floating in an endless ocean
towards a horizon too far out of reach
and you cling
desperately,
to one another
until inevitably,
you drift apart.

After a Summer of loving
your heart does shatter
and you can feel
each jagged edge
moving
slowly
stabbing you
shredding your insides
traveling through your veins.

So please
no matter what
do not love me for my skin
it’s just a soft shell
easily shed,
cut,
and burnt
love me for how I make you feel.

It’s better not to look
at the heartache
the nameless, faceless pain
but I see you everywhere
a sight to behold
in funny coincidences
as I think of beauty,
I only see you.

You break me into pieces
yet I cry, “hold me now”
now that I’m bare and vulnerable
without the sparkling
sunset hue
that youth bestows
I need you to see me now
as you saw me then.

So as you wrap your coat around you to leave
I will be
the taste that remains
of a bittersweet story
the vessel to pour yourself into
when hope becomes dim
and you need a place to hide.

What the body has remembered
words cannot form into language
muscle memory is touching your side of the bed
heartache is finding it cold and empty.

Alone outside
standing on the dying embers of what is left of a perfect day
a gentle breeze blows through my thoughts
clearing the haze
amplifying the silence and doubts inside my head
distraction forces the emptiness away
there’s nothing more to say
as I watch the storm approach
clouds as heavy as drapes roll in
and soon rain blankets the earth
lightning cracks
I’ll flinch in the semi darkness
as the grass turns electric under my feet
the leaves dance orange and red
encircling me like confetti on fire
igniting an old memory
soft and bittersweet it rises to the surface
I hope you understand why I shiver
with a mix of awe and fear
at its impending power and threat
but I remain as still as possible
ignoring the danger
because nothing compares to the burning in my head.

You,
are the dark circles beneath my eyes
from spending too many nights
wishing you were here
instead of there.

          You,
          are the hitch in my breath
          when someone mentions your name
          and the smile that invades my face
          when I think of the things you do.

                    You,
                    are the shiver down my spine
                    as I recall those magic moments
                    when being close to you
                    was never quite close enough.

                              You,
                              are the regret I will always have
                              a wound that just won’t heal
                              as permanent as a tattoo
                              the ghost that remains
                              you,
                              are everywhere.

And it hits you
like a cold hard slap
or a pang of guilt
like the memory of an old lover you discarded
and it echoes in the void of your chest.

You’ll feel the warmth spread
slowly outwards
and it will scald
and it will burn
consuming you inch by inch
until you find new life growing
like wildflowers
from the soot
and the ashes left behind.

And yet you still wish
upon the stars
hoping they’ll give you some absolution
but don’t you see they don’t exist
the only stars are the ones in your eyes.

And those knots in your heart
they are weighing you down
but that’s just ice
waiting to thaw.

So sit in the sun
and soak it all in
but before you do
I must tell you this
forget your heart
forget your skin
forget your love
forget every thing
forget your dreams
they will lead you astray
but sweet child do remember
if I come knocking
please let me in.

There is a cave
where the broken hearted mourn
the love they gave away
and like a beam of light
from a solitary lighthouse
as it pierces the darkness of an endless night
their cries are carried on the wind
shattering the silence with howls of pain and woeful songs
tempting young hearts to try in vain
as poison vines wrap around their souls.

As the sun dips
behind the hills
open your windows
open your heart
and listen to the breeze
as it kisses the pines
because here in the night
in the comfort of the dark
under a blanket of stars
I’ll sing to you
a lullaby.

When the night is as dark as the thoughts that I keep
unable to sleep
I find salvation in the white knuckles on my steering wheel
and the lights that flash by scorch my eyes like fires from falling down satellites
as forgiveness teeters at the edge but then slowly winds away
a deer waits silently on the border of the black.

Staring at the passing headlights
time is torn apart
shattered and broken
like memories rudely awoken in a canyon of wakeful dreams
and a vision on a mountain of crystalline salt
burns in an open wound
here lies the nuance of a heartbeat
pulled from a field like a handful of daisies.

So I sleep outside by the side of a giant tree
and a voice it speaks to me from the marrow of my soul
it is the vaudeville of my heart
filling the fractured, starless night with a burlesque song and dance
with hopes that the subtle hints sent through the Heavens above
from a hollow soul with open veins
will find you tripping and falling back into my arms.

The darkness
is illuminated
by the
moonlight,
star lights,
headlights,
tail lights.
Look how
everything
is just so
b  e  a  u  t  i  f  u  l
tonight.

You settle for less than fascination with anyone who looks like they possess a heartbeat. As those tungsten stars reflect in your eyes, you dance with strangers and you give them hope they might be the one. The strange new flesh you hold onto is interesting but it isn’t the one you want to be holding. You teach your heart to ignore this. And it does as you paint on your best smile onto cherry coloured lips. But it fails to disguise the true hurt you feel inside. And when they dim the lights at closing time, stripping shadows of any hiding place, you agitate and search for the blackness and temporary comfort of blankets. Your shelter is an empty bed where you lay down an impression of loneliness. Where you curl into a tiny little ball hoping you won’t inconvenience anyone by taking up too much space. But you wake up in the middle of the night and realise that you are indeed alone. And there’s noone there to steal the blankets from. There’s noone to snuggle up to. There’s noone to share the darkness with. Flip open your phone and let the light of that small display burn your face while your eyes adjust to the offensive light. Look for that particular number, the one that’s tattooed onto your brain and ghost your fingertips over the call button. Think awhile, “Should I call? Shouldn’t I call?”

Letting it all sink in
dragging my shadow behind me
and existing between probable and possible
I don’t mind stepping into the great unknown
but an almost hello doesn’t count for much
and you know I hate living in the gray areas of maybe
wishing and hoping that in those moments of painful hesitation
something that looks like love might fall through
but this living in limbo is like living in hell
caught between a rock and a could’ve, would’ve, and should’ve
at least in hell you know you’re dead
here in the waiting room there’s no consolation for the living
every second feels like a lifetime
I swear that I’m betting on the real thing
but why do I always walk away with nothing
and like a fool I place my hopes in one basket
hoping a memory might save me
from going insane.

We don’t speak anymore
but I still hear every word you said
those stinging nettles they hurt like hell
I sit in these dreams
and I know you’re not listening
but right now I wish you would save me
on days when my thoughts
feel like a stranger I’d rather not know
and when my last flicker of hope
dies out like the cigarette I stub
so I turn up the TV to drown out your voice
but nothing helps
I’m too tired to resist
the pull of the waves and I’m drifting off course
without a compass, without a sail
into the unknown where everything takes me back,
to you.

Swirls in the wind
do nothing to hide
my raging within
and a flower that blooms
is a flower that dies
all the fragile
vivid blooms
that live for just a few hours,
I can’t help but think
what a waste of beauty
living its life
on the same old lies.

Digging through the rubble
searching for hope
even though hope
seems like a blurred emotion
better left off
to the somnambulists
who often live their lives
in a haze of damp regrets.

Carrying on
like we don’t see
we’re both staring
at the end of a story
a fait accompli,
and I’m not certain
I like how this story ends.

Sunrise,
steady me
so I can move through this world.
Sunrise,
inspire me
******* away
by what you unfurl.

You’re staring at me
but all I see is a battlefield
of conflicted emotions
and your lips they move to speak
but your words cut deeper than knives
and it feels like I’m freezing in a house set on fire.

And those roses you gave me
have all turned black
clouded by your lies
I hold them close
but they crumble at my touch
as the visions were foretold
but my stubborn heart was never good at listening
and I waited,
as you floated somewhere between hope and despair
while the flames grow higher and consume me entirely.

Now all that remains
are the littered memories
your twisted words
like an echo
a train through a canyon
causing a landslide
tangling me within
whirring like a hurricane
blurring the skies
and turning green fields black
all I can do,
is turn away
as those bridges quietly burn.

A dip into healing meditation
warm water cascades over me
and my skin glitters like silver scales
flashing bright like diamonds
washing me anew
breathing new life into aching flesh
dancing over me
gentle like reeds along the shore
I submerge like a pearl in sea of liquid gold
refreshed I rise
a crystal swan in a sky of suns.

Elegantly she floats
into my atmosphere
lace like blown in
a curtain riding the cool night wind
she’s nebulous and naked
and I wonder where she’s been.

I have declared myself unsafe
unsound
unknown
unwanted
unnecessary
I’ve been condemmed
I am unsafe.

Tossing and turning
in sheets you quiver
sodden under heavy blankets
the darkness it lingers and consumes,
but the morning is yet to dawn
with everything that it implies.

Alone
  and scattered
    and scared
      broken and bound by the world
        you finally find a friend
          someone not of the chaos,
        but tender moments they pass too soon
      and hope is but a flicker
    but you never even tried.

Wandering through your mind
sifting through precious memories
I am the intrepid traveller,
indulging in an **** of sightseeing.

On a starless night
step out into the cold

grasp the secrets held tightly in your heart
and kiss the wild blowing sands

with a deep breath open your hands
let me flow free into the winds of regret.

You’ve scorched the sky
and now you sit
listening to the pulsing beats
while searching for my voice
between your satin sheets.

Everyday I ask myself what I can do about this nightmare
before it turns into a giant mushroom cloud exploding in my horizon.
I shudder as I feel the rapture building within, and in the stifling heat
I find myself constantly having to shake myself out of the thought of your lips
as they dance to a heavenly rhythm just before you smile. But these crashing waves are relentless,
dragging me down, robbing me of my escape, as a jealous ocean won’t let me leave,
I am captive in its dark depths …
… staring into the beautiful abyss, I breathe out a prayer,
[consign me
under your gaze
into eternity
with a single
chaste,
but lingering kiss].

One day
( hoping )
the wind will give wings
to my words
so they may touch you
until then they mark the
d   i   s   t   a   n   c   e
between you and my captive heart.