innocence
swinging back and forth
low and slow
singing a song under your breath

eyelashes thick and dark
fluttering as you blink
a calming hum fills my ears
I step forward
noise leaving my mouth
you jump

your eyes meet mine
your lips part briefly
breath pushing past them
your mouth lifts in a smile
my heart lifts

hey

you say you're fine
you say your good
you stare into their eyes
"I'm fine"
"I'm good"
You probably smile through your lies
fake happiness and safety
I know your pain
I see it in the mirror
I see it when you tell jokes
I know

you need to talk about it
you try to talk about it
you can't hold it in
it's not good for you
its what I did
think of me now
how I hate myself
bottling it all down

don't push it down
don't pretend
I know how hard it is
pretending your okay
keeping a blank or happy face
avoiding eyes
faking smiles

sometimes I still pretend
that I'm still who everyone thinks I am
that i am like everyone else
a whole girl
unbroken
unscarred

then I think how scared you were
when you told me
how you tried to pretend it was fine
like I did then
I can't pretend to be 'normal'
when your words came out broken and shaky
one step from breaking

I remember the day I told you
that I was 'different'
how my heart raced
how my hands tremored
my words barely slipping through my lips
you barely reacted

that's how you were
shaking and almost crying and almost backing out
and you told me that sometimes you feel like it isn't real
like you are lying to yourself
I still do that sometimes

a lot

The ground splinters under her feet
The weight on her shoulders pushing her further into the ground
The ground drops from under her
Falling, her skin flakes
Flaking away with the force of the air
She falls.

She is in her room
Facing her mirror
Eyes brimming with tears
Cracks trailing around her face and body
She turns away
She covers the cracks with hooded jackets and perfect smiles.

She lands.

In the darkness
She feels the cracks covering her
Like a cloak
She crumbles.

She stands.

She's in her room.
Looking in the mirror
The cracks cover her now
The perfect cracks
She smiles and the cracks glow.

She flies.

Sometimes time stands still
in the most excruciating way
and I can't bring my self to take a deep breath
TO let myself be fixed
To admit I can be fixed
Can I be fixed?
AM I broken?
Am I scared?

I am scared that when time stands still
the air becomes stale, harder to swallow
My eyes sting with tears

Deep painful breath
shut eyes
stop tears
don't cry
not here
not now
later
when I'm safer

when my breath doesn't hurt so much
when time is moving a little faster

I am her
with shoulder-length hair
and sinking eyes

I am him
with shoulder-length hair
and terrible posture
and tired, sinking eyes

I am them
with shoulder-length hair
and splitting headaches
and warm blankets
and shaking hands
and fear

and empty, tired sinking eyes

Tomorrow is when we try
So I don’t have to pretend I’m okay today
A shadow guards me
Encasing me in this glass prison
Shallowed out breath
Teardrop filled eyes
But they won’t leak

I have to be careful when I escape this prison
The scars on my arms paled but not yet gone
Memories of blood and tears
empty promises and doubt

A meticulous escape plan must be created
One to let me escape unscathed

Let me leave this prison unbroken

last week,
that's the last i saw him, sir
that's the last time he climbed through my window

he hugged me goodbye, sir
like normal
maybe a little tighter

i don't know where he went after, sir
home, i assume

where was he found?

Et que faites-vous dans le noir?

Your name was on my lips before I knew why
or what you truly meant to me

J'entends ta voix et sens ton contact dans mes rêves

I pretend what we could have been
What we could have had
I miss you smiling at me
and your hand brushing mine

Tu me manques au clair de lune

The sunset reveals all.
The shadows on his face,
leaching away the pain,
the lies,
the anger,
the hate.

The sunset lights up his face
Bringing forth his smile
His eyes turn to honey
Warm and loving

The sunset warms his hands
His touch becomes softer,
lighter,
sparking and skimming my skin

The sunset sharpens his tongue
Spitting venom from his mouth
Bitter and callous
Words become hits,
punches,
cuts,
burns.

She looks at me

Smiling

I return it

We bump arms

My heart skips

Hers does not

I’m her friend

She is mine too

But not

She cares

I care more

Differently

She hugs me

Excited

I return it

I ask why

She smiles even more

BEAUTIFUL

She tells me

My heart drops

A boy

That’s why she hugged me

Because of HIM

HIM

HIM

HIM

Not me

No, not me

HIM

I fake my smile

Pain in my head

I wait for her to leave

GONE
GONE
GONE

TEARS
TEARS
TEARS

I breathe and keep going

KEEP GOING
KEEP GOING
KEEP GOI---

No more

She is my friend

Nothing more

Nothing will ever happen



I walk up to her excited

Not really

I hug her

Sad

The boy

He asked me out

But he wasn’t her

Not even close

She is so happy for me

I’m not

A breath
Eyelids closed
a racing pulse
vibrations felt in your chest
yet, I feel the same
as always
sad and happy
scared and fearless
careful and careless
brave and cowardly
confident and anxious
lost and found

broken and whole

and I take another breath
eyes slowing blinking away the sleep and the nightmares
another year

everything the same

I. The first of the many to be taken by him

II. The first one who was intoxicated by his touch and the venomous words tumbling out of his mouth

III. The first one. The first one.
___________________

i­. A poor girl. Small and quiet. Shy eyes. Innocent. A dead girl. Small and calculating. Empty eyes. Hypnotising.

ii. A strong boy. Tall and loud. Joyful eyes. Perfect. A sad boy. Tall and hurt. Dark eyes. Broken.
____________________

­1. The blood spilled

I'm waiting for him to leave
Do I want him to go?
He's gone

I'm walking down the rocky street
Sun flaring and blinding me
The trees are thick with dull green leaves
I find a place to sit

I feel the wooden crevices under my hand
The other hand resting on a page
I hear a sigh of frustation

Blonde Hair
Brown Eyes
Tall
They huff again

"Excuse me? Are you lost"
I ask, trying to help
They turn, eyes meeting mine
I take an intake of breath
They smile, eyes shining with thanks
They move towards me

Am I lost?

I knew you before I knew myself.
Before I had truly become myself.
You were always there,
a mere thought in the back of my mind.
I never noticed how much I relied
on seeing your trusting eyes to keep me going,
I still think of you sometimes,
how I clung onto you like a lifeline.
How I never should have done that,
I wasn’t yours to fix
I'm no ones to fix but myself

I have to STOP relying so much
On the breathing of others to save me
I know now that's why you left
Its the only thing I can think of

I think I'm better now
Not completely
But more aware of who I was before
Less selfish maybe
Trying
Hoping
More scared though
Maybe freer
My words still get stuck in my throat
A locking door, deadbolted
But s o  m  e   t   i    m    e     s,
Sometimes I can pick the lock

Its never unlocked for long though

I miss you
I don’t know if I’ve ever missed anyone more
I miss you so much sometimes
I know I shouldn’t
But I thought I could have loved you
And I can’t let that go yet

I don’t hear your name anymore
Unless I’m the one to say it
It doesn’t hurt to say anymore
More of an empty ache
One day I know I won’t need to mention
Want to mention you
One day it won’t still hurt that you left me
Because you did
You left
Without explanation
Refusing to explain
Why didn’t you just tell me
I would have tried to be better

I am better
It took longer than it should of
But no one was telling me what I was doing wrong
Instead, people just left
Again
Why do people always leave

I don’t think I can handle someone else leaving
I need to be perfect
I want to be perfect
I’m not perfect
In any way
I’ll never be perfect

And that’s why people leave
And I just have to deal with it
I have to learn to read the minds of the ones I lost
The ones who left without even a goodbye

Is it because I’m too sad?
Someone said that to me once
That I was too sad
and that it was my fault that they left
That I made them leave
How did I make them leave?
All I wanted was them to stay
I wanted to better for them
Why didn’t they tell me I was wrong?

It's hard to fix your brain when you don’t know what's broken
When you can feel something wrong
but you can’t find the issue

The virus that poisons me
Reaching into my head
My heart
Blackening it
Filling it with hatred
I don’t want to hate
I want to love
And be loved
And I want people to STop leaving
But they never do
People never stop leaving

Some days I want to be left behind
Maybe if I fold into myself
If I leave people first
Then it won’t hurt as bad
But I don’t want to
I want to be happy
Not happy like
A pill that lasts only a few hours
I want my happiness to replaced my sadness
My sadness to replace my happiness let them switch out
Live each other's lives for a while

Maybe then I can learn to be myself
___________

Yesterday everything was fine
But it wasn't,
it just that you forget how you felt yesterday
because it was fine
and today the pain is back
and you don't remember if it is better or worse
because you started to get numb
and it helped you forget
the pain from yesterday

and sometimes you remember the pain from yesterday
and sometimes it isn't as bad
and sometimes it's worse

and I just need to escape
I need to leave
and stop and breathe
and stop shaking
and why can't I stop
why can't I breathe
why can I never breathe
why is my heart jumping in my chest
why
why
why
NO

my therapist always tells me that when I'm panicking
its because I'm worried about something and I just don't know what
but what if I think and think about what I'm worried about and there's just nothing there
I just can't stop panicking

cre·scen·do
/krəˈSHenˌdō/

noun

1. the loudest point reached in a gradually increasing sound.
"the music rose into a crescendo"

the music swells around us, in this room where our eyes first met. the room i first saw you, i first saw myself.
my breath exits my mouth in short breaths, mesmerised by your soul and the way it greets mine

2. the highest point reached in a progressive increase of intensity.
"the hysteria reached a crescendo around the parade"

the tears block my vision, my voice hoarse with anger. i hear your voice heighten, the temperature in the room rising. your voice is piercing. spitting venom. my breath exits my chest in quick, gasping breaths, fighting to stay together.
your soul stands before me rotting and splintering, hateful words directed at mine. your arm raises in an unfamiliar motion. ready to strike but your soul strikes before your hand can, venom seeping into the wound on my cheek



c.h.h.b end.

A girl sits in a room
A laptop in front of her
Her fingers hover over the keys
The light shines through her glasses
Which are smudged from the long day
The tears brim at her eyes
Blinking them away
Trying not to crumble
Trying to stay on track

A girl is touched on the arm by her grandmother
She flinches away
Her arm tingles where she is touched
"What is wrong with you?"
Lingers in the air
"You are crazy,
you are not normal,
there is something wrong with your head"
She stands and walks away
She walks to the stairs and cries

What is wrong with the ******* the stairs
With the bleeding mind
And the stuttering heart
And the twisting stomach

I still love you
I still need you
Do you love her?
Do you need her?
Why did you stop loving, stop needing me?
The morning comes
Head pounding
The light of my phone distracts me
I open it
My messages are open
To her
What the hell did I say?
I scroll up
Knives stabbing at my heart
My fingertips start to tingle
The tingling starts to spread
My mind slows
No no no no no no no no no
I eventually calm

My phone vibrates

Her: Please stop messaging me,
Delete my number

Look away. Don't meet their eyes, don't stare at their face. Just don't.
2. Don't think about them. Rid them from your mind, think of other 'better' things
3. Don't look at them when they are happy. When their eyes are shining and their smile is large. Don't let it make your heart sped up. Refuse.
4. When they are nice, remember that they are not doing it for you. They are polite. That is all.
5. When they talk to people like they talk to you, or they flirt with them. Don't be jealous. They are not yours.
6. You are not right for them. Remember that. Above everything else, you do not deserve such a imperfect masterpiece.
7. Give yourself space. No matter how much you want to be with them. You can't. You need to stop. Make sure you aren't attached. (You are though, you know that. Ignore it)
8. Distract yourself. Whenever you start thinking about doing something. Read a book. Get lost in the pages. (Realise the thought come back after the book is done. Accept that. Start another book. Drink lots of tea.)
9. Convince yourself that you don't care. They aren't that important. Only a friend. Only a peer. Nothing more.
10. You don't care, you can't. There is absolutely nothing that can make you care about them. (But then they smile)
11. Know that it will pass. (It won't)
12. Make sure to never be in same room alone. Your mind will wander, hopes will grow.
13. Make a list. Why are you not compatible what do you hate about them. (The answer: not a lot. Everything you don't like is manageable)
14: Quit. It's hopeless

WINTER is holding hands
and warm breaths mixed together
Pink noses and cheeks

WINTER is muffled voices
sharing the same space

WINTER is brown eyes
that set alight with the fire at their feet
sparks travelling through their eyes,
across their skin, warming them to their bones

WINTER is light blue eyes
fading into the pale sky
soft pale skin icy to the touch
lips chapped and bright pink

Sometimes I feel alone
No matter how many people are around
Like no one really understands
Like a real connection can never be made
Even though I know that I should think that way

It builds in brain
threatening to spill out my lips
I have no one
I'm alone
A catastrophe of panic and paranoia fills my head
fills my chest
why am I trapped
in this world
with these people

in myself

there words everywhere
in front of my eyes
when there are no pages present
I read the words of the air
of the wind
of the sky

let me leave this place

{no}

[yes]

^dont^

:run:

"live"