I’ve started and restarted so many times,

It’s hard to place the words the way I used to,

Writing now feels like putting on a retainer I haven’t worn in years.

I can get it to work,

But I can tell things aren’t lining up the way they used to,

I used writing as a way to step back from the flow of my thoughts, to examine them for what they are.

I’m out of practice, because my thoughts don’t need stepping away from these days.

Because where one muscle has grown weak I’ve spent the last 2 years strengthening a different set, maybe.

Might just be rust, might just be a new era.

Walking through the Houston Airport, my mind couldn't rest, my heart ached for something that it couldn't quite place, and I felt like my insides couldn't sit still.
    The morning we did our last hike together, we got in the car and I realized how little we had really seen of each other on the trip. The morning was perfect, and the view of the island was incredible. I think we left a piece of us there at the top. Whether  The piece of us that was together, or the pieces of ourselves we had given to each other, im not certain.
      As we discussed forever feeling changed by the trip I never imagined you had changed away from me. I understand now, some of the things I didn't then, so I hope in due time I'll understand what I don't now.
     There's a still image of you and your friend smiling so wide, both out of fear and exhilaration, as waves threatened to sweep you away. I hope you fill your life with moments that make you smile that way.

an ant,

Lured into a pitcher plant by the sweetest scent,

Drowning in the unexpected excess,

Bathed and enveloped by bliss.

I still remember days as sweet as sunset snowballs,

warm summer air on our skin,

A Vance Joy CD on the radio.

Those days feel like a dream now.

A story someone told me,

or a book I read in middle school,

Enlist a draft,

Reinforce the gates,

On your mark,

Get set,

Kick rocks,

Best yet,

Worst ever,

Self absorbed,

Self destruction,

Twinkle twinkle,

Row your boat,

**** is not a dream,

Fire up the presses,

Alert the media,

Step back step back,

Gather round gather round,

Pull the pin,

Blow out the candles,

Drop the mic,

Pick up the pieces,

Ride the wave,

Crash and burn,

Pop the top,

Live and learn,

On and on,

Rest In ****.

It pains me to say so honest,

You've come to the same sudden and shocking conclusion as the rest,

No matter the amount of love you have for me,

I am ****.

A lump forms in my throat at the thought of placing words in their places like shoveling dirt on a casket.

Like every living day I swim further from the shore while my mind remains landlocked,


Picnicking with my emotions,
Enjoying it as much as two rivals could.

In the end the mashup seems harmonious,
Like the dance of two blades,
Each with a wielder who finds drive and desperation in each blocked blow,

Hope and solace in each hollow swing,

A thousand whind chimes choking each others sound into oblivion,

Or otherwise sounding shrill and panicked on their own,

Theres a duality to it all,
Lose some and find some,

Let some live and let some die,

Keep some safe and ship others far and wide,

I've forgotten where my mind was,
I suppose I've pushed it off somewhere if that's how it works,

I suppose that's not how it works,
And it will  come floating back.

I'm doing well,  I'm still moving forward.

Only slower now,
More cautious of who's caught in the wake of my journey.
The thoughts of victims passed surface here and there, but they dont float for long before they gurgle back below the surface.
Where they belong.
Our odyssey has seen us lose many moons time caught in storms and whirlpools,
There is none left to dawdle with,
Only enough to finish the journey.

I rest easy,
With no time for troubled dreams.
I keep my eyes forward,  
Set on finding the truths obscured by the mystery of life, and the beauty therein.

I'm never alone on my journey,
I'm thankful for that always,
It makes the days breeze bye
When they feel the nastiest.

I'm mapping the coast as I go along,
Making note of the fauna and flora I can see,
I'll keep it close,
And stay the course as long as fate allows.

I used to feel the words flow from my fingertips like water waiting eagerly to drool from the open mouth of a faucet,
now I feel them shoot directly from my fingertips with an ultimate intention of their destination, or at least the summation of the amalgamation of each sensation they could evoke ,
i wrote, to find some clarity in my thoughts or emotions, finding it easier to pick apart and choose rights and wrongs in a literary format.
Now I write because at times I simply must or my soul my burst from the hot air my ego pumps into it, writing is like turning a pressure valve, like applying a healing salve, like blowing your nose and clearing the debris,
writing is like waffles with butter and maple syrup
writing is fuckkkkkk
writing is something I love but have been neglecting my passion for as of late,
I think I shall once more seek its embrace.

OK,
my shine bright, but my mood chill,
got my mind right, its time to build,

Looking bsck its like a dream,
So many sunsets,
So many blunt wraps,
So many moments taken for granted I could write 5 books with the memories that slipped through the cracks.
All I think I want is to read that book

Leo virgo mess,
Creative driveless TAG kid,
Living ******* prince.

The location has changed,
Ive seen it before,
There no mirrors here,
The suns Glare in my eyes every direction I turn is stirring panic in my heels.

I feel as though im finally feeling.
Days pass and I hold onto them,
Like this chapter of my life is being read as its written,
As opposed to after its been penned.
As though our rivers have merged and river sides are being worn by shiver tides that come hither faster ever than before;
Is this unity?
I feel it so,  I have no frets that are not thee
And no trees that are not to thou tastes.
A onesie or a true expression of self?
You pollinate all you comtsct and if ever you sting it mereley damages yourself.
Truest though you are a flower,
A lotus,
One that grew its most beautiful and tresured petals from its hardest earned nutrients,
I hope to make ones as beautiful from pleasant nutrients infinitely more plentiful than those before.

I feel as though im finally feeling.
Days pass and I hold onto them,
Like this chapter of my life is being read as its written,
As opposed to after its been penned.

It's like a cold,
Or a sinus drip.

An ever present itch in the back of your brain that somethings off.

A quiet droning from somewhere too far to be loud but too close to be silent.

Burning Parchment screams the kindled words as each letter sparks to life,
Leaving their meanings lost somewhere in the wind, is it the same online?

Each day new cracks appear,
My image though distorted,
Reminds me were both still here.

These days I value alone time more highly than my friends and I think they hate me for it, but I think I also dont care? How hard it would be for me to force myself to fake it with with those people,
Whom once I placed nearly highest in my life, But now some Id rather have as memories. All it is not but few and particular flavors that no longer suit my tastes, one such being beef.
Lately its been nice out, but not the kind where u go swimming or fishing,
The kind where you fly a kite or take a mid day walk alone to hear the leaves fall.
Long periods without rain had left a nice even crispness to the air which was a rejoiceful contrast the usual sticky humidity of Louisiana. As I fill my days searching for toys the child inside me can entertain himself with, he gives me advice and keeps me in line and away from meat.
Sometimes it's harder than other times,
Like everything. Sometimes I wish I could actually mute the sounds of the world and replace them with wordless instrumentals,
I think id be alot less scatterbrained. Obviously the election isnt the biggest problem in the world, its just the freshest wound in my earth loving mind. People go about every day as if nothing is off but I think were all playing a charade, I think weve all felt like theres been something weird for years, hours will go bye and well have not progressed or done a single worthwhile thing because twitter. Is there really nothing we can do anymore? Like nobody wants to care about the future of earth and humanity and life for a second to reduce their individual quality of life a smidge for the greater good? Every thing might just be ******. **** me if this trump thing lasts more than a year. Destroy this country if he gets re elected after 4.

What a drop,
To fall from this height what a drop indeed,
To fall from up here would be foolish.
Mortal, perhaps.
As just before u splat u remember exists those imaginary boot straps,
And that knot you learned in 1st grade way after everyone else,

And those wings you grew yourself.

You flapped those little wings in formation with your mother and brothers goose by your side till one day by some miracle you stood on one foot per day and danced a Macarena around a cage of crawfish.

The way our world is constructed full of false belief systems and things we make more substantial than they really are can kind of cast a shadow over the unlimited human potential. All of the societal and personal phallacies and traditions we have created are blinders to the fact that each of us is merely a shard of the same stone, a jolt of the same shock, all the same essence inserted into many different vessels.
We carry a light brighter than the sun we grew from but the smog we produce can start to choke it out. I understand fully the point behind religions creation,
We had questions we couldnt answer,
Where does rain come from?
What is an earthquake?
Who put us here?
But these questions have been answered and the only reason still running with religion is that people need faith in something; people need to know that after this ends its not over and all of the fake ******* they work towards to in their day to day to overload their dopamine receptors wont not ******* matter,
People need a scary red man who lives in a pit of fire to scare them into doing what someone else told them was morally correct.
But the part that makes me the saddest is that they cant just look in the mirror and recognize that the infinite grace and capability within each of us mirrors their god,
God is we

I cant articulate my thoughts the way I used to be able to.
My brains connections have swapped from word obsessions to ambience and aesthetic obsession,
Certain patterns and flowers and shades and tiny parts of really large scale beautiful things.
My brain is no longer the same wordsmith,
Forge raging night and day as with each disruptive bang he straightens red hot words into sentences with which to turn to blades to rend his foes and cut his binds,
Now he is a word weaver,
One who sits silently at times, piddling with the different threads in frustration,
And at times feeling the path the words would like to be drawn down and around each other, forming pictures from the fragments with the dreamlike ease similar that of a stingray gliding across a glittering moonlit seabed in search of treasure he dropped while chasing the moon.
But words,
No matter the arrangement arranger or arrangement process,
Can fall short of the pure raw power to make someone feel the way a sunset can or the glistening blur of running water.

A door I slammed and sent accross the sea,
I told it,
"Lock yourself I never want to open you again"
Now I fumble around in the dark corner where it used to be for the doorknob.
A flower I found and picked, not thinking far enough ahead to realize that if I truly appreciated its beauty I wouldnt pick it but let it blossom. Even wilted and withered ive never found another like it.
A bump in the road on someones ride home from work that they didnt even notice as they sang their favorite radio songs.

The total futility of life and its end  is unfightable,
The only perfect form is fluid,
Proper posture to avoid catastrophe is complete relaxation,
Be the corpse before rigormortis.

The total futility of life and its end  is unfightable,
The only perfect form is fluid,
Proper posture to avoid catastrophe is complete relaxation,
Be the corpse before rigormortis.

Im still stuck inside the two way mirror,
Still staring at myself,
Still seeing nothing.

As each grain slips through my fingers, carrying with it a frame of my life,
The sound of each one joining its already rained and unretrievable brethren forces an epiphany to the front of my mind.
Open your hands, let them fall, let each one be where it will and know that it is the perfect spot for it.
The stresses of our day to days seem dwarfed by these grains of chronology,
When in essence they are the same and quite the opposite.
Life has come to a bottleneck,
Thick and thin has gone past analogy into religious symbolism for me.
The things we do in the next months, will decide our immediate future.
The things we do during our immediate future will decide everything.
But that could be a blessing, we were never very decisive people.

U ever feel the pieces of ur puzzle falling apart as the picture changes?
U ever feel the timelines cross and snap when things come full circle?
Nothing is or ever was coincidence and if something happens in your life u ride the wave and wait for the judges score, and tear wont turn back time or Christmas would still be at my grandparents house and high school wouldn't be an ever swirling blur flushed down the toilet of time to be lost in the sewers of nostalgia.
I don't know why I never end up making people as happy as I wish I could.
I wish the opossum scratching much ceiling would share some wisdom with a young and stupid human who has no idea what to do with the gift of sentience, every intention to make his gift of time worthwhile but he's not sure which direction to start throwing Spears when on every side there is a demon of his doing he must come to terms with
His house of cards came to be built of jokers, and the land he built his fortune on became plagued with mold and greed, his fortune flew away in search of richer soil and warmer sunlight, and birds with softer voices and bees with sweeter honey.
AND once it's spent it will settle gently Into the cradling arms of earth once and for all.
The ocean has always been the only thing I felt really accepted me, nothing to say but hello, and off my back with the ease it got on it. I feel that I need it's breath aND it's touch or else I'm part of myself.
I think If ever I lose hope I'll lose myself in the ocean, aND hopefully with something to look for I'll know which direction to head.

Im sorry you unknowingly traded in your heaven for a cheap moscato,
Im sorry I don't give you the adoration you so rightly deserve and need,
But lately how little progress I've made scares me to the point where I cant sleep,
And it finally scared me to the point of progression,
I can feel my mind unfurling as I write like a budded up flower or a balled up fist but the point is  im over all the ******* at this point, im about to start devoting time to something and I don't want you to leave but if you feel like you have to then ill be ok, if a better offer arises and yiu feel like you should take it please do,
I can feel the winds of change beginning to stir in the cosmos,
The time to come will be one of growth, struggle and work but I cant let myself say that and do nothing
I can't sleep and this doesn't help anymore.

These,  cats are cadavers,
I discard em like candy wrappers,
For tryna come at me backwards,
Everybodies got a dream and I'm saddened that most of em never happen,
I really, want success but you can't see it in my actions,
Im about to take some steps get off my *** and stop relaxing, bowl packing and bein stagnant,
Become a man, grow some nuts and get to crackin,
Its time to make something happen
Stop talking about the rappin and start being about the rapping,
I wanna embrace my destiny
Change the game wit my team next to me,
As long as I got the music pain will never get the best of me,
put myself inside the work until there's nothing physically left of me,
Spend money on my momma till there's nothing in the bank thats left for me,

Bricks break and time disposes of the dust,
Death to death the traces of life are visible in the rust, the moon is where I hide by fears cause I only want to think about them at night, and the ocean is where I want to die because I don't like what mammals have come to stand for and coral seems more fitting of a casket than bedrock,( and my mom could never afford a waterbed.)
My favorite part of life is watching the pieces fall into place and people fall away, nobody notices themselves eroding and eroding each other till their weathered joints are crunchy with exhaustion and the only literary tools they use anymore are personification and repetition,
I wanna die before this moon Soul becomes new and before the smoke blows away in the wind and the ice drips into a pool of Zen and missed chances
But not because I'm sad or could never part because I'd like to see how they change and have no choice but observance.
I wanna be in the room when a star is born and I'm not talking Hollywood or a computerized version,
I wanna watch over millions of years as the universe picks every particle and places it perfectly as the swirling storm of beauty heats and expands into celestiality.

dont even try to retrace your footsteps theyre lost in the footnotes,
every turn of the little hand makes the atmosphere heavier, nothing gives.
you see the problems and the solutions but you feel like youre being asked the questions everyone knows the answers too, and being expected to prove them right,
there is not a time when im alone that i feel lonely because something deep inside me gives me comfort and gyroscopic stability that came as an adaptation to seismic unrest like the left side of my chest was strewn accross the san andreas fault, there is a ghost in my room that keeps me company when my grilfriend goes away,
when the sun has left because hes late for his shanghai appointment the moon beams down on me with a smile as wide as hers when that stupid cheerleader song that is too catchy to not sing along to comes on,
the grin on her face when shes wittier than me gives me the same comfort as the phantom of my mind.

Most nights I dont have to wish for her to keep me warm,
my blankets embrace me just as softly but they dont squeeze my ribs the same.
One time my grandfather told me when I was really young that a woman can never be  anything less than everything shes supposed to be, and that if its your woman your job is to see that through. I like to think if maybe I could rewind time about 3 years and somehow manipulate all 3 of our timelines enough that you would get to meet him and hear his laugh, or get a nickname from him and be able to tell me if my hugs feel like his cause ive never felt safer than those moments.
I never wanted to take you from your family and I feel each day they like me less and I like you more.
Marriage is a weird concept to me and ive never been sure if its what I want, its no fear of commitment or fear of missing out on anything but it just seems silly to me. non essential even.
I dont know but I know that standing in the doorway to my bathroom and looking her in the eyes as my breaths matched hers Ive never been more positive of who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with,
of who I want to watch our friends grow old with,
of who I want to argue over song lyrics with ( and lose ) forever,
of who I want to be the one I trust with the things im afraid of telling myself,
of the one whos poison I would drink if the last words I heard were
"I love you b"
Ive never been happier to be called disgusting by anyone than when they refer to the unreasonable amount of attachment and affection we have for each other,
I have NEVER cried more over anyone other than my grandfather and thats because ive never met anyone more monumentally important in my life I like to think my grandfather would be so proud of the woman you are, someone with a voice and soul, someone with  a warm heart filled with cold winters and the same unrestful home life he knew I had and tried to sing me through with songs and nicknames, I can never know the struggles you had, I can never feel your pain or rub away the scars, but I just want to make you smile and hear you sing, I just want to kick it in Australia with a blunt in my mouth while I watch you dip your toes in the sea and know your love is just as expansive, nobody gets to decide who they need in their life, as I dig this hole with each smiling shovel of dirt she pushes a little back in, sneakily slowing my progress and saving my soul there is nothing greedy about my love but encompassing is an all to applicable adjective
tell your father im sorry his little girl isnt home every night anymore, and tell your mom im sorry that im the reason you guys dont hang out,
tell your niece im sorry i keep randomly showing up and asking her weird questions,
tell your cat to keep your bed warm for me cause I know you tend to feel ghost chills in the absence of your best friends curls,
tell your baggage theres tons of room in my closet,
tell your Ex's that they are history, not to be forgotten and their impact is forever but their opinions are irrelevant,
I dont know why im so dependant on you, or ****, or the ******* sunsets in the sky but there hasnt been a day when death hasnt seemed easier, but there also hasnt been a day when I have felt ready to give any of this up and I want you to know that there is nothing on this god ****** planet I wont do to make sure youre safe,
do you remember when I walked to your house just to read words to you from a dictionary?
I think back to ten months ago and smile at the way things were,
the best parts of our memories shine the brightest and the stresses of our day to days stay hidden behind the rays of good memories, the stresses of today will soon be eclipsed by good memories,
dont let the whispers in your mind tear at your heart and Ill do my best to silence mine,
there will be doubts and there will be struggles but never doubt that my grandfather blessed me with the strength to help you become everything you are meant to be and ill be here till the day we figure out the afterlife,
and if you figure it out before me im not saying ill last a month or a week even but ill do my damndest to make sure people know about your curls and skin and voice and mind,
I never want to live a day i cant tell you about,
I never want to see the world without the sound of your laugh filling the wind in my ears,
I never want to take a breath you couldnt breathe and if I ever have to I might just break.
tonight I wish she was here to keep me warm,

Roots rip through dirt in search of water like fire burns through pages searching for morals, the ocean screams as it evaporates and raindrops never signed up for skydiving, there is nothing gentle about a breeze shoved forward in a scream of defeat.
There is no peace in a world with anger heating its core and no dividing lines between good and bad,
the world is a grey area where everything is relative,
good and bad,
wrong and right,
illumination can be a synonym to salvation and damnation,
to a bright new beginning or the end of observation,
there is no all seeing eye that can also cast judgements,
no figment story or drug is any more important than our mysteriously unbalanced brains allow it to be and there is no other human but yourself who you will love and hate so intensely as the one who hides behind the mirror. Keep your shoulders broad when your back is weak, accepting responsibility is a much easier thing to practice than carrying each load,
people will wander in and out of your life,
some will leave footsteps or trinkets as reminders,
some will leave and never be re-minded,
selective porousness is the path to the correct tribe and the proper feeders of your flame,
let people come and go from your life as their path demands but reserve the right to deny them that right when you feel your dignity questioned.

where the sun cant reach tehre are things light couldnt create the beauty of so darkness had its way with evolution,
those things know more than we about the warmth of frigid water and we more than they about the suns loving embrace, but I dont long to feel the sun lap at my closed eylids, nor do I long to taste the suns radiation like the oceans salt and nor do I prefer any sensation but her touch to that of the oceans and never will I find an embrace as widely accepting as the waters

do you ever notice it when youre getting sick?
the feeling of not quite rightness,
you never noticed how draglessly every part of your body was functioning prior and even now you cant quite pinpoint which wheel needs the oil but somewhere deep in your bones your body is saying,
"yo somethings fucky"
my brain tends to be a hypochondriac when theres no **** around,
I start to notice the frowns on her face,
I start to notice the wrinkles on my moms face that werent there a couple months ago.
I start to notice how tired my diaphragm is after 18 years of heaving my ribcage up and down and start to weigh the pros and cons of giving it a couple days off.
at least till theres more ***.
I sit in front of my computer and I learn what I can and slaughter minute after minute in your absence, trying to focus more on the chronological bloodlust than the fact that youre the only positive thing going for me.
the last few times I did acid the universe spoke to me and it was a tough pill to swallow but ive never been more confident in anyones advice.
#1 on my bucket list is to just get some money, and start walking. not really without a goal or anything,and I plan on walking back but, still id like to see what the world can throw at me.
my friends still make me warmer than most but lately friends seem so non essential.
everything seems so non essential

I just want the same thing as everybody my age,
I want out out of this place,
My hometown feels like a cage,
That my spirit is in
But I'm convinced the keys disguised as a pen,
I'm trynna make this music make this money carry my family and friends make these dummies see the light and make the movement begin
This our planet as earthlings
were aware of the damage but somehow we do worse things,
Power plants get hit by tsunamis and you think that won't hurt things,
On our coast?

Just so you know id never say a word that flew across my mind unless you asked. And even then I probably wont say it because I think a lot but I choose what I feel from the thoughts. Know that your voice Is sirenesque and your skin  a moon for moths. Every bit of you is there and wonderful, there are times when I wonder which one it shall be to be honest,
me or them who does it in.
a wound opened by mistake mends easier than any other,
I should know.

As the ocean sang me songs I watched the stars and felt the cool sand on my feet. I remember feeling like I was finally able to think. Like finally, I could just sit and ignore everything I ever had to stress about and the ocean didnt care, and neither did the stars. I felt time pass and it felt natural, I didnt notice every second I just felt the world spinning for once and became dizzy with excitement. the ocean painted pictures of war and peace and light and dark and loss and gain with each gently crashing wave. I remember being reminded of the subtle futilty that is our existence and I smiled and told myself id make myself more than a cosmic blink, but I wasnt even there yet. the ocean reminded me that there is something much bigger and more important than me and my problems. It calmed my brain and chased away any feelings of seclusion even though I was alone on the beach. previously my brain was warm with unrest and scattered anxiety danced all over my thought proccess but with the ocean kissing my ears it all seemed to stop except the grand clock that ticks long after nothingness is achieved and matter not longer matters.

Death wanders in every way but aimlessly with a bag of "welcome homes" for the souls who make it through life without getting trapped.
Wheels turnin on pure momentum can roll for miles piloted by a corpse,
whos to say one couldnt win a race?
Even if he finishes first what could a cold a corpse want with victory?
Souls cant be bought back with fortune and fame,
death doesnt want it and the devils got enough of it.
A corpse who earns the title "winner" will still sit and wither until the dust that brought him life finds the place of its donation,
till his soul has told itsself "it was worth it" enough times he believes it,
the thing is a corpse who crosses the finish line first wont be seen as a corpse, people will pump artificial life into their veins with their words of endearment. The corpse, Now piloted by some rogue fascination of himself will come to see the world as his himself,
dead,
but victorious,
pumped full of artificial life and tinged with good intentions,
blanketed with fear and wrapped in the cold embrace of purgatory.
The problem with artificial life is that its no less temporary or tangible than the proposed "real life",
in fact in many ways its much sweeter,
but also more ignorant,
after all ignorance is bliss.
Artificial life can be taken as easily as any other and death tends to follow up the first meeting to make sure things are ending smoothly.
Hes got a quota and hes not about to fall short because of somethin as petty as a second chance.
Death was a victor once too,
now he shambles here and there, or floats or appears,
who knows,
maybe one of the corpses piled near hollywood has seen his grand entrance, but they might be hard to pick out.
I dont know if talking to them would grant you much knowledge on something like that though
perhaps its better to stop and ask a tumbleweed what theyre running from,
or running to,
they might have a more accurate idea of where the finish line is.
All ive ever learned from a death is that life doesnt stop when you die and you wont die just once,
and when a corpse wins a race he cant wear the ribbon.

I try to see us working because I would love that but,
but,
every time I take a step I feel you recoil with second guesses,
I do my best to respect boundaries then you start blurring the lines,
I do my BEST to keep it cool and then you hit me with a heat wave that burns like chicago in 72'.
I wish youd make this **** clear cause im done sailing on the foggy friendship ship, even the scenic route *****.
please take your peace core dreams and sail out of my life,
you make me want a travel companion and I need to do this alone.

y

Every day theres a different thought of you that skips through my mind in a floral pattern sundress with a smile so big Im pretty sure it couldnt go through a drive thru and I slip slowly  away  piece by piece, dripping away from the sound of music in my headphones and my now always filthy room, and the smell of **** and incense,
I slip back to days spent in a high school gym when my only thoughts were of when I would get to see you that day, or how you were feeling or what you were thinking about. I slip back to the first valentines day I knew you and you made me a mixtape which I wasnt aware of then but is apparently your thing. I slip back to the time when as we were leaving that same gym I accidentally said "I love you" and you just giggled and replied
"I love you too."
I slip back to days spent feeling sick at the thought that I couldnt have you in my life, I remember it eating at my insides and my stomach goin on strike, I remember taking money from my moms purse to buy **** because I thought it might help me be happy but it didnt and it still doesnt.
I slip back to days in hardware stores spent checking out kitchen sets just to **** time, and going to waffle house and not wanting to eat my hashbrowns.
I slip back to sitting in jimmy johns for the first time eating a sandwich I didnt care to try to taste but it didnt matter because you were right next to me eating your favorite food and you you were so ******* cute it made my sandwich better anyway. I also remember when they started putting way too much mayo on the sandwiches for you so you stopped going.
I slip back to nights spent in my bed trying my best to not be too forward, finally taking your que and learning your neck and discovering the weird things about how you sleep, I slip back to the warm feeling of my chest against your back as you slept and the way your chest rose and fell in such a way I couldnt stop watching, the way your hair shone in the green Christmas lights around my computer and I remember being so happy, so indescribably happy.

I slip back to telling you everything that came to mind and you genuinely caring, which honestly ****** me up cause if I do it to other people it seems like everything I say has no substance and irrelevant relevance.
I slip back to when I first realized I wasnt enough to make you happy. I thought about you when we were together, and you any time we were with someone else.  I thought about how other people made you laugh differently and how much I agreed with you when you tweeted about how you were too cute for me anyway, I slip back to wishing I knew what was wrong with me and why I wasnt able to make you happy, I slip back to realizing I was holding myself back because  I didnt want to lose you but I also slip back to thinking, "what am I losing?"
I slip back to you never wanting to give me a title and thats not something I get to decide,
I slip back to all the "its complicated"s and "im not really sure"s
I slip back to watching you become such a product of your environment, and watching you flirt with each and every one of our friends and staying silent because its not my right to say **** about the way you interact with people, I remember not being able to express how much your relationship with my cousin stressed me out because it wasn't my place to say who you could and couldn't be friends with and my emotions shouldn't effect that at all.
I slip back to the first time we knew it wouldn't work when I was sitting outside in your car with you crying my eyes out because Id never be in your passenger seat with my hands in your hair again, and how every silver car I saw would only make me think of you and how any time I hear a good song Ill want to send it to you and every time the sunset kisses my eyes ill want to take a picture for you because you'll probably miss it,
but I cant anymore.
because now I made a decision that ill stand by,
I made a decision that I honestly think was a good one for the both of us as we find someone who makes us truly happy, I feel deep down you know I wasnt making you happy but you were just comfortable with me, and invested.
your response to it all was
"glad were on the same page"
but I know your favorite thing to gather and hide is spite so Ill avoid contact with you for a while I guess. Ill watch you grow and hopefully grow as well. Ill learn to hold my peace and come to grips with my destiny which as I said since we first started texting is not in "Nowhere Louisiana", I hope you continue to blossom and find a bearded motorcycle riding man who can play instruments and make your heart sing more beautifully than you do.
every day a little memory of you skips through my mind and I feel your eyelids flutter on my cheek as your showed me what a butterfly kiss was,
every day a little memory of you slips from my mind as well.

I dont remember the first time we spoke,
or the last but I remember all the times in between,
I remember my birthday in Pre K when you came to visit me for lunch because my mother couldnt,
I remember when you first taught me the "hambone song" and every easter egg hunt, every ripped open christmas gift, I remember every picture on the walls and the smell of your cologne,
I remember the first time I heard you had cancer,
I didnt know what it meant,
but I cried,
I cried because I also remembered my moms best friend being the first death I wtinessed because of whatever cancer was,
I remembered her skinny body getting thinner and thinner as the cancer weathered her away and I remember my mom crying at the funeral but I was too confused and scared to cry,
now hearing that this disease was inside the only respectable male figure in my life at the time was terrifying,
then I remember learning it was only in your finger and they simply removed it and that was that, I wasnt sure why it didnt work that way with Darlene.
I remember all the jokes you used to make and how everyone had a nickname,
I remember how you made the best breakfast anywhere ever,
I remember your cataract surgery, I remember every hopsital visit I was present for and i remember the pain you went through when your wife of 55 years died of a heart attack, the wife you fed cleaned and clothed because her mental capacity had been severly hindered by annurisms and strokes past, and who you loved till the very end.
I remember that funeral making more sense and the whole death thing being alot easier to grasp,
I cried at that one.
I remember the second time I heard you had cancer,
in the same finger,
and they removed it the same way.
I remember you driving an hour from new orleans just to bring us satsumas and make my mom laugh,
I remember the third time they said you had cancer and it was something worse,
in your lungs,
and it was some monster with a name I was familiar with from tv,
mesothelioma, I remember them saying you had no more than 6 months to live and I was only a freshman then with no respect for authority and no understanding of the importance of appreciating your time with people,
I remember the law suits,
I remember you paying off our house,
and our land note,
and I remember you being so sick at one point you couldnt leave your bed,
there was liquid pooling in your lungs and weighing them down on your spina nd I can only imagine that feels like having glass shoved throgh your back from the inside out,
you layed and bore it for days with the pain medication,
you took so much you couldnt really function, just to avoid the pain, and it want really working..
I remember my aunt walking in on you trying to load your revolver and having to wrestle it from your hands,
my aunt told me in tears that you asked her to let you **** yourself,
I remember you getting better when they put some talc in your lungs to absorb the liquid,
and you got better.
well for a couple months,
and things seemed to be looking up,
but then it came back in full force,
and I guess at this point you deserved the rest,
i remember looking at your body in the casket and thinking
"this is the last time ill see you?  thats not fair"
I remember looking around the room at family and friends I had never met and thinking of all the people you were leaving behind and sobbing because it was not ******* fair,
I remember your mother having to bury you in her 99th year on earth,
I remember your casket being closed and the poems my cousins read but I was too shy to write,
I remember riding in the limo on the way to bury you and how we all joked to keep our mind off it,
and I remember wanting to ***** as my stomach twisted watching your coffin be placed into your grave next to the wife you married as a ahandsome young man with your whole life ahead of you,
I thought in that moment if you knew all the lives youd effect or create,
I just wanted to say thankyou because I never did and now I couldnt ever.
like I said I dont remember the first time or last time we spoke but I remember everything in between and not even death can take those memories from me I will drag them to the bottom of hell with me if I have to.

I lay down at night in varying degrees of ****** up, and my brain starts to go over the day, and my brain starts to go over the past few days,
I knew there would be nights where I miss you but I didnt think there would be nights where I missed you so much I got the smell of my ***** and cranberry juice confused with your morning breath,
or a night where I smoked a cigarette just to know if it helps like you said it did,
it didnt, but I dont hate you for lying to me.
I didnt think id miss you so much someone elses thighs or the curves of someone elses soft back could only make me want to call you,
its a good thing I dont have a phone right  now.
I didnt think I would sit down to write and lose all inspiration because youre the inspiration,
you were the first person to make me remember how much writing can help you declutter my mind and now every time I think of my favorite traits in myself I think of how somewhere along the line I did what I did because of you,
and now I do what I do because of me,
I cant be here,
I cant be yours,
I cant be gods or americas or anyone but mine,
im on this earth for me and that might seem selfish but I urge everyone to live the same way,
we are not here to linger in each others presences and follow the rules that are thrown at us,
I dont know why were here though,
I only know why im here,
im here to be happy, and my happiness does not reside in law school or financial stability or any of that it comes from the raw fact that I do the things my own being would be happy about. im here to feed my essence so that when I die this shell can rot, but my effect will be benevolent or beneficial.

DANCE ON DADDYS ASHES CAUSE HE LEFT ME A *******,
THE ONLY LESSON HE TAUGHT ME
IS  THAT THERES MORE TO GO AFTER
THAN BEIN COOL WITH UR PASTOR AND LOVIN COLLEGE LIKE ASHER, YOU GOTTA TAKE CHARGE AND CHANGE THE WORLD CAUSE NOBODY GONE ASK YA,
AND DONT WASTE YOUR DAYS AWAY BECAUSE TIME WONT WAIT TO PASS YA,
DUMP YOUR PASSION INTO YOUR CRAFT AND SOON YOULL SEE THEM KIDS FROM YOUR CLASS RIDIN YOUR ***, HANGIN ON YOUR COATTAILS SAYIN "GET ME A GLASS"
in florida a girl woke up my soul and stirred the stagnant waters in my pools of consciousness, awakening my inner restlessness, reviving my ancient nomad and making me realize every second im on this earth I need to appreciate it and make the most of it, dance and be silly, be cute, be bold, be straightforward and mind your boundaries, hold your tongue until youre loooking her in the eyes and youre trying to telepathically ask her to kiss you and in that moment shell close her eyes and smile with no teeth just to show you shes down,
and then a laugh will echo in your head and the smell of a flea market mixes with the scent of **** on her breath,  and your heart will burn with the pain of what would come but youll smile and call her silly, turning over to change the song from pink floyd as your brain begins to weigh its options, hold your tongue till that moment then tell her shes amazing and gifted, then pick her up and dance with her or youll regret it on the ride home, DONT WASTE MOMENTS WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOESNT MATTER, THOSE PEOPLE ARE A NATURAL PART OF YOU, IF THEY CONCERN YOU MORE THAN YOUR SAFETY THATS NOT SAFE BUT ITS A SIGN, DONT IGNORE THAT FEELING BUT RATIONALLY APPRECIATE IT AND NURTURE IT. there are people out there that will step into your life like a hurricane and rain down new opportunities and emotions, embrace their strong winds and bask in their influence. After leaving Florida I was thinking Florida and her and Tennessee and I got my to my hometown, and on arrival I knew something was off. it felt as though the air was made of different things than before, signs were different colors or peoples accents seemed extreme, however slight I realized the world changes and doesnt stop, we change and only stop when we allow ourselves to, we should learn from the earth and follow our souls to happiness, our souls arent what gives in to greed and want our souls know what we need and learning to listen to mine is something im determined to do. because even though i preach it I often find myself making decisions based on mine and other peoples greed or negativity, I should make these decisions based on my own well being, and for the well being of the overall goal which is happiness and a home for my soul, this place has fed my roots for long enough and cassie and florida allowed me to realize everyone and everything is temporary and beautiful and easily changed by our own will.

I cam back from a vacation to the beach to find my hometown slightly different, it was as though we had entered a new dimension and tiny things were subject to change in my 5 day absence; such as the color of a sign or someones accent.
Most of all Id say my home makes me feel as though im not home, this place feels like a dream, like im stuck in the matrix or something. Nothing about the way this place makes me feel makes me want to stay, and nothing about it feels natural or right. It brings a rock to the bottom my stomach turning over the assumed reality I supposedly exist in. Every person seems hollower here, like they are not pilots of their own human vehicles, but in fact they are occupants of their human shell, with varying levels of control.
There is no person here that could make me stay at this point. I can only explain it like this, no matter what if the environment is wrong, it outweighs everything else in terms of efffecting your mood. for example, you couldnt have a climactic battle scene be fought in a boutique, it would be heard to look past the soldiers hiding behind dresses no? nobody here can really outshine this thought that this is not my destination. Im set on my course and its not changeable, the destination is happiness and nobody else is required for the voyage, company would be cool, but jump if you dont like how the boat rocks.

Some days my heart shines like its sure the sun is its closest rival and oldest teacher,
Other days my brain convinces it that it might as well just call in sick for the day to avoid the echoing pains of nights prior,
On most days though my heart is in a constant argument with my brain,
Maybe not an argument but more of a negotiation, my brain lets my heart wander on a longer leash and play its music a little louder, but once the storm clouds roll in my heart has no choice but to be locked away for the sake of my mental foundations integrity.
Somewhere in the compounds of my body there is a soul that cant get a word in on the dialougues of my heart and brain,
Then again he has no scientific bearing in the world so he holds no worthwile input?
But what if my brain and heart are tool my sould has yet to figure out? Or vice versa? Maybe souls are adaptations and sentience is is just us learning to use those adaptations to our advantage?
Souls cant be just tools or improvements though, they are too cemented and too complex,
Too  raw, unobservable, undescribable, and undeniable.
I just wish there was a way to get all 3 on the same page.
Nothings the same lately and its like my world flipped upside down, and this is me falling out of reality into infinity and watching everything Ive wanted or known pass me bye like lines on a road.
The other day I took some acid and found myself laughing at the fact that we discover medicines and we have politics and science and that we have this curiosity to explore and this hellbent obsession with expansion and growth.
I realized at that moment that there is a simple and absolutely gorgeous futility to everything humans do,
We might cure cancer,
The sun will still blow up eventually,
We may find world peace,
But overpopulation might bite us for that one,
The point is nothing we do can stop the end times, that doesnt mean stop what youre doing and lose all motivation, it just means at the end of the day, were in the can regardless, dont sweat the small stuff and make your moments gleam.

In this world I only seek growth,
Not in a greedy or consumerist way,
I also dont mean that as some form of my own twisted manifest destiny or any american dream. I just want to be able to wrap myself in my own embrace and say today was a good day, and learn from my days.
I want to be able to create art 24/7 and with you I was so focused on you I never did. Not that thats your fault or anyones it just means I need to focus.  If my growth isnt a reasonable explanation to you then thanks for the fertilizer.

The first time I really matched with a girl she was a girl that matched often,
Each of us charismatic with a bit of an awkward past and love for all things obnoxius.
That girl swept me up and loved me awkwardly,
That semester we were clicking,
I guess me more than her with my online game addiction, shed facetime me and sing her favorite songs while I played (including "video games" by Lana Del Rey and I loved that) which I always adored of her, among other things like her snort and her freckles.
We made a hallway our home and I have pictures to prove it,
If you ask her she might remember,
And if she does I hope she smiles.
I honestly cant deny her patch on my heart,
Its a taylor swift bandaid I used to cover the scar.

I kinda think my opinion on this changes every time I write but I feel as though you fall in love once, and once youre in love youre just in love with whoevers willing to be loved and thats just that,
I also think love is partially a chemical reaction and a natural fondness of certain people and our right brains running a little wild with subconscious ideas.

It worries me in a world with things so beautifully tragic that WE effect or neglect to advocate or notice.
However what we advocate is something as insignificant as someone calling themselves caitlyn and being who they want to be.
100% of tuna off the coast of california tested over the safe level of radiation (probably due to fukishema or whatever im not an expert and not claiming to be  I saw it on a documentary) but I doubt anyone cares. The oil in the gulf of mexico is still there on the bottom, they sunk it, they hid the mistake deep deep down where it could slowly **** the ocean some more but nobodt would know.
Although I guess from their point of view, whats a leak in the roof when theres been a leak in the bow for the past 9 months am I right?  There are literal trash islands and in probably every fish belly there are bits of plastic they think are food, those fish get consumed, they digest, the plastic doesnt, the predator that consumed the plastic either gets consumed and the plastic gets moved up the food chain,
( possibly to birds then to god knows where) or it collects in the predators stomach as it eats more plastic ridden fish.
Im sad.
People should know the earth is more than kanye west and ISIS,
I wish we could be humans.