You've caught me in a constellation. Stars surrounding us as the galaxies intertwine themselves in our hands and stardust settles in our hair. I don’t think we’re flying, no, we’re just kind of floating. Sustained in space without gravity to pull us down back to reality. Your skin is glowing as the pale moon illuminates you, your aurora embracing mine as we become one. Our hands are interlaced and our legs tangled up. I kiss your chest and I feel your heartbeat on my lips, insuring me that you are, in fact, here in this very moment with me. There is no time, nothing to pass us by. We simply exist in the now with no past to haunt us or future to worry about. Your breath leaves a chill to run up and down my spine, goosebumps rising and falling in time. Whispered words left in each others ears meant to flutter hearts and bring solace to souls once lost. At this moment, nothing has mattered more to me than your eyes and your hands and the way your lips move when they speak and you tell me the same thing, that right now I’m all that matters to you. It’s something I never completely believe but it’s so sweet to hear, making me feel as if I do matter, at least to you. We’re floating in space, no direction or objective. Our heads lost in each other as we fade away into the blackness that is not really as black as it seems. It’s more like a deep blue that is not found in the sea. Who knew something so dark could be so comforting. But it’s not really dark, because I’m here with you.

It hurts because I stumbled in on him
As if he were broken pieces of glass
It hurt
And I'm still trying to get shards of you out of my wound

My mind is racing with
A million thoughts that
Are blurring together in
An incomprehensible way that
Confuses everyone, including me

My heart is beating fast and
I can hear it in my ears with
Its loud thumping that
Seems too uneven to
Even be a heartbeat

My hands are shaking and
I can’t stop them, they
Tremble as if they
Were overcome with fear like
I am

My legs are numb as if
They were bathed in ice and
I can’t walk or
Run from this terror that
Consumes me

Tears stream down my face so
Rapidly that I can not seem to
Catch up, it’s like
There is and ocean draining inside me and
I don’t know how to stop

My breath is ragged like
A cliffs deadly edge that
You would jump from to
Forget the misery that
A life can hold

As I put my head in
My hands I feel a wretched
Sob rack through my body with
A terrifying intensity that
Shows my true emotions
As I lay on
The cold ground, I
Can feel the confusion and
Depression settling into
Completely eat me alive

So I lay down with
My sad music playing as
I try to calm the terror that
Is bound to destroy me but
I just give up

My skin is worn
My eyes lack luster
My heartbeat is soft
And dragging on slowly

My breath is ragged
And softer than a whisper
My lips are chapped
My cheeks are hollow

I’m numb
Suffocating
The life has gone from my body
I’m alive but I’m not living

Good girls are bad girls
Who haven’t been caught
Man, I’m telling you
Forget what you thought

She’s her mama's little girl
And her daddy’s princess
Her big brother loves her
With her they feel blessed

She got into Harvard
Future full of success
Modest and preppy
Is the way she will dress

She’s got straight A’s
4.0 G.P.A
But this goodies got a secret
That she’ll never say

She’s got a tattoo
She keeps covered up
She’s got some piercings
Make her look like a punk

She’ll sneak out of school
To be with her boyfriend
But she’s real good at lying
No one finds out in the end

She drives way too fast
It can’t be street legal
With loud music pumping
Her driving’s not dull

She’s got beer in one hand
A cigarette in the other
She looks pretty bad ***
As she lights up another

She’s the life of the party
Carpe diem is her motto
She refuses to slow down
Or live with legato

This girl is the prodigy
Who keeps up the image
But she still has her fun
She has double privilege

So yeah, to you
She’s might be a good girl
But good girls are bad girls
Who never get caught

Goodnight, goodnight
I will recall
Goodnight, goodnight
This was a hard fall

Goodnight, goodnight
You promised we’d fight
Goodnight, goodnight
But nothing’s alright

Goodnight. goodnight
I loved you for so long
Goodnight, Goodnight
But still you are gone

Goodnight, goodnight
I’m done with this war
Goodnight, goodnight
It’s my turn to soar

Goodnight, goodnight
I refuse to grieve
Goodnight, goodnight
It’s my turn to leave

Someone once asked me
To describe my hell to them
It really got me thinking
On what would causes me the most misery
Would it be being tortured
Or a place of constant war
Maybe its someone reminding me
Of all my failures and flaws
Finally I realized
What my hell really is
Hell is loving you
And waking up alone

Hey, brother
Does the fire still run through your veins?

Hey, sister
Do you still have a fighters soul?

Hey, lover
Is love still filling up your heart?

Because the days now seem to be getting longer
And grey is filling up the sky

It seems as though a battle is coming
And we have no choice but to fight

So, now gather up your arms
And prepare your armor, too

Because if it’s a war they want
Then a war is what they’ll get

(I)’m not too sure what to do anymore
But I know I (want) to do something
Everything seems so mono(to)nous
It’s (****)ing me inside to be here right now
(My) heart feels so heavy
With low (self)-esteem
I guess this is the end

I saw the universe
In his eyes
His hair held the galaxies
His fingers created melodies
That soothed all types of hearts
His arms could hold every piece
Of my broken soul together
And his legs walked miles around the Earth
Learning the stories
Of every life
His soul was made from stardust
And I made all my wishes on him
His very voice was soft and smooth
His lips always tasted like smoke
Always
He was something so
Different
He was too spectacular for this little old town
He was a violent explosion
Of colors and light
That burned out far too quick
And left me in the dark

See, I was kind of hoping
I could lay in your arms
You could lay in mine
We could listen to each others heart beat
And tell each other everything
From the past that might have scarred us
To the present we are facing
And what the future could hold
We could talk about our fears and hopes
And other serious things
Or we could tell each other jokes and stories
And just be really silly
Really, all I want
Is to lay my head on your chest
And talk
But I wouldn’t want to do
Any of this
If this is not with you

I’ve never been a cup of tea
I’m more like the tenth shot of Jack
I’m the surge of adrenaline
Before your senses come back

I’m not the first choice
Or the last resort
I’m the choice you make
When you need an adventure of sorts

I’m always the one
You look over or past
But I really don’t care
It’s your party I’ll crash

So just wait and see
Until the real me comes out
I’m reckless, I’m brave
And treacherous throughout

Sticks and stones will
Break my bones but
Words will scar me forever
Bullies come from
Here and there
Oh my God
They’re everywhere
I mean, I know
I don’t act the same
But am I really that different?
It seems to me I might just be
It’s just nothing I can see
“Oh my God
You cut yourself?”
Yeah, just like your words do
“******* emo
Go **** yourself”
You don’t know how much I want to
You don’t understand
My pain will someday **** me
Because I know for a fact
Life will never accept me

I am made of flaws
And bad decisions
Stitched together with recklessness
In such a way
That makes self destruction
Inevitable

I stitched my heart
Onto your sleeve
But you let my world crumbled
Around your fingertips

You whispered promises
You couldn’t keep
In my ear
In my sleep
But these dreams you sold to me
Have turned into nightmares and defeat

You left my life
Crumbling ‘round my feet
My anxiety rose
I spiraled out of control
I fell down this darkened hole
And so self destruction began

Have you ever choked on the smoke
That numbs your chest
And clouds your mind?
The bottle went up
And the fear went down
I stumbled back and forth
Between pain and numbness

I think I saw you in a dream
And I thought I heard the door open
But the door was just closing
And the dream was a drunken haze
I close my eyes
And I see yours
Staring back at me

I still remember the way
Your fingertips traced my skin
Your cool skin
Pressed against mine
I offered you my warmth
And you took it all away

I look at myself
And I understand
Why you left
****, I’m such a mess
But you made me like this

I’m not sad anymore
And the numbness has gone away
My emotion has turned a page
Now all I feel is rage

I won’t waste my unscarred knuckles
I have hands
So I can break things
I yell
Until my lungs seem empty
But the room is filled

I’m angry
But I don’t know at who
You
Or me

I’ve slipped back into numbness
I think I like this best
The nagging pain
Is easily taken away
With a stoge and a shot
I think I like this best

Did you know
That the sun still rises
Even though you’re not here?
The stars still shine
The moon waxes and wanes
Did you know?
Because I didn’t

I woke up
And your pillow didn’t smell like you anymore
All the pictures of us
Were broken
All the traces of you
Were gone

In biology
We learned that cells get replaced
Every 6.5 years
That means one day
I will have a body
That you have never touched

I put away the whiskey
I stopped buying stoges
And I picked up the pieces
Most of them, at least

“Worthless *******”
You yell at me
Time after time
Your words are bullets
And you act as if
I have a bulletproof vest on
But I don’t

“No wonder you’re a loser”
You taunt
Every **** day
Whenever I make
A simple mistake
And I seem to make those a lot

“You’re an ungrateful *****”
You shout at me
Just because I don’t do
Exactly as you say
You manipulative *******

“Go **** yourself”
You sneer
Fine
You win
I’m done
I’ll be gone before you know it

When I close my eyes
I see yours
Staring back at me
The spaces
In between my fingers
Feel so empty
The bed
Has never felt colder
The nights
Have never been longer
And my heart beat
Has never been slower

There are times my arms ache
To hold someone else
Because this heart break and loneliness
Is slowly killing me

I still feel your fingertips
Tracing my skin
The way your lips
Always tasted like smoke
Is imprinted in my brain
I memorized
Every line
On the palm of your hand
And I can't forget
I can't forget
You

Is there a cure
For the brokenhearted?
Some type of fuel for the long forgotten?
It seems I'm going down with this ship
I'm the only one whose fallen

I hope your breathing becomes complicated
I hope your heart starts to race
I hope your palms get sweaty
I hope you stumble over your words
I hope your eyes start to shine
I hope you can't hold back a smile
I hope your cheeks turn red
I hope your thoughts become a jumbled mess
I hope butterflies erupt in your tummy
I hope it's all because of me

I'm just so tired of this
Because it makes no ******* sense
I'll apologize
When you're the one who knocked me down
If I were to slash my throat
I would use my last dying breath
To apologizee
For getting blood on your shirt
All you do is victimize
You never seem to realize
That no one even likes you
You like to act like you're so great
And that everything you say goes
You are manipulative
Vindictive
You make everyone around you
Feel like absolute ****
And then guilty
For not doing as you say
You pompous ****
You're nothing but a *****
Upset
Because you've got a tiny ****
And you make up for it
By acting like one but
It doesn't make you desirable
Just liable
For all the stupid **** you say
I remember the first time you told me to go **** myself
I contemplated it
I held the blade in my hand and thought
"If it's what you want, it must be right"
But there has been no greater wrong
According to you
My mental illness is my own fault
A form of natural selection
And I agreed
I let every word
That tumbled from you lips
To cut me like knives
Because if you say it
It must be true

I’m made of hurt
And flesh and bone
And blood and sweat that seems to drip
I’m made of life
And death alike
I’m made of love and melancholy
There’s hate and fire running through my veins
There’s ice showing my eyes
My heartbeat is the beat of a song
And my breath is the melody
I am made of everything
Every emotion and element
Mixed into one soul
So tell me why
All my life
I have felt like nothing

I've written of you
So many times
You've become immortal
In between these lines

I know who you are
I know where you’ve been
Never again will I let someone in
You were a waste of my time
An unproductive love
You broke me at first
I was left feeling grey
But today, I’m ok
And it’s no thanks to you

I’m sorry
I’m not the brightest star in the universe
I’m sorry
I’m not the most beautiful rose in the garden
I’m sorry
My cheeks don’t blush rosy red
When you compliment me
I’m sorry
My attitude and personality is stronger than yours
I’m sorry
I curse like a sailor
I’m sorry
I’m not a prim and proper girly girl
I’m sorry
I’m not like most girls you fall in love with
I’m sorry
For being so independent
I’m sorry
For being so reckless
And stupidly fun
Most of all
I’m sorry
That you can’t see
All my faults and flaws
All my oddities and quirks
All my imperfections
Make my perfect
Just the way I am

I never really know what to say
But I can say you took my breath away
You blindsided me
And before a metaphor could tumble from my lips
My palms were sweaty
And heartbeat unsteady
You know, silence is violent
So I try to fill it with dialogue
Though it usually turns into an awkward monologue
Then you lose interest in what I'm saying
It's not important
I just really want to talk to you
But I never know what to say
And so I make a fool of myself
While you give me that look
That shows how weird you think I am
Which is not untrue
I am beyond abnormal
I just wish you thought of me as the good kind of weird
If there is such a thing
The worst part is
I'm below average
And I know exactly who has your attention
I know I can't compete with her
I know if I do, I'll only hurt myself
I guess it's best if I just stay quiet
And let you overlook me
I'll give up on you
Even though I really
Really don't want to
And I'll wait for someone
Who thinks of me as the good kind of weird
If there is such a person

Ink veins open
And start to pour
My heart and soul
Onto the page
If your read my writings
You know me
My deepest crevices
Of my twisted mind
The darkest chambers
Of my tattered heart
And the most intimate parts
Of my fighting soul
My writings are
Who I am
Judge them or don’t
I don’t care
But this is my life
Written in pen

After a particularly hard day
I found relief in a particularly sharp blade
As I lay in bed
With sobs racking through my body
I sought comfort in the pink blanket
I was swaddled in as a baby
And the tattered rag doll
I never let go as a child
As I clutched them for dear life
With tears streaming down my face
I fell into a restless sleep
But when I woke up
I saw blood staining my blanket and doll
The same blood from my ****** wrist
And I realized
At fifteen
I was no longer a child

She held cities in her hands
Whole gardens grew in her in her heart
Her eyes held the entire ocean
The sky held no equivalent to her smile
Her hair cascaded like waterfalls
Stars and moons, planets and galaxies were tangled in her mind
She had the world
Inside her
But no one knew
Because no one noticed
The quiet girl
Who read and wrote
While listening to music
In the corner
All alone

Your hands still have the right lines
And our hearts still beat the same
So why are we not together
Why are you so far away?

You left me with a letter
Saying that it’s too hard
But you never told me what
And I can’t read minds

You broke a jar
In our last fight
It’s still there
I can’t pick it up

The rooms in our house
My house
Are cold and empty
And grey

Do you remember that time
We went to King Park?
I still walk on that path
But the memories won’t come back

Sometimes I feel
Like the next time I trip
I won’t be able
To get back up again

I have such small hands
That couldn’t hold on to you
Not even the rain
Could wash this away

I still don’t understand
You left without explanation
No reason to break me
Just that **** letter

In vino veritas
They say that drunk lips
Speak sober thoughts
Maybe thats why every time you say you love me
You have a bottle of ***** in your hands
I'm always scared when you talk to me
Your lips are painted with lies
But I kiss them anyways
Hoping to wipe them clean with mine
But I know thats not how it works
I feel like I'm intoxicated by you
By your essence and aurora
Because my head feels fuzzy
I get giggly
And I feel kinda sick to my stomach
But its the good kind of sick
Ir there is such a thing
And I know that when I wake up
You'll leave me with this enormous hangover
And I'll just lay in bed
Longing for one more touch
Even though I won't get it
Until you tell me you love me
With that ****** bottle of ***** in your hands

I only cry in the shower
So you can’t tell
If it’s tears or water
Running down my cheeks
And I can blame the redness
In my eyes
On a mishap
With soap or shampoo
I only cry in the shower
Because that’s when no one sees
That I have other emotions other than strong
They are vulnerability

I am captivated by the way your skin is stretched over your bones and how

Every part of you curves perfectly into the next and

How your eyes lay sparkling in their sockets while

Your lips tug upwards and move into a melody as your

Heart creates a rhythm I want to live by and I

Wish the air you let trickle into your lungs was the air we shared while our faces where close but

Can I even complicate your breathing or

Maybe speed up your heart rate because

You make my body go into overdrive from

My racing heart to

My unsteady breathing and

My shaking palms but

You seem seem totally unaffected by my presence and

I should take it as a sign to just give up because

I can see the way you look at her and its the same way I look at you, I bet

That if you took your head out of her ***, you'd

Find the person more than willing to be with you i.e

Me, but

You won't so I guess its up to me to give up

Again

Because this seems to be the ever-repeating story of my life

I remember the first time I said hello
You nodded with a smile

I remember when I first said I liked you
You smiled and hugged me

I remember when I told you all my secrets
You held me as I cried

I remember the first time I said I loved you
You picked me up and kissed me

I remember the last time I said I loved you
You didn't say a word

I’m scared at how different I am
Because other kids my age
Are holding hands
And kissing in cars
Worrying about their grades
As they study and do their work
But all I do
Is stand here numbly
Drowning myself in alcohol
And choking myself with smoke

I can't seem to catch my breath
There's a ball of fire in my chest
My lungs feel like they're about to implode
My hands are shaking
My vision is blurring
I don't know why I feel like this
And I'm scared

I’m angry
Because it’s really late
But I’m wide awake
Thinking of how it would feel like
To be in your embrace

I wrote your name with a pen
Filled with the blood
I had spilled on the bathroom floor
Because it would only makes sense
For pain to describe pain

I turned out to be
Exactly what parents
Told their children to stay away from

I turned out to be
The exact opposite
Of what kids are told to be

I turned out to be
A failure and a let down
Wrapped all in one

I turned out to be
A ****** person
And I’m sorry for that

I constantly feel
Like I’m at war with myself
There’s a battle raging
Violently in my head

I have so many impulses
Contradicting feelings
This constant inconsistency
Has made me a walking paradox

I want to be heard, to be seen
I want everyone to know they can’t walk all over me
I want people to know who I am
I want to change the whole **** world

I want to disappear
I want everyone to disregard my mistakes
I want everyone to ignore my imperfections
I want people to think I don’t exist

Now, do you see my conundrum?
I want everything and nothing all at once
I want the world in the palm of my hand
I want to vanish into thin air

I tried drinking that cheap strawberry wine that you love but it was far too sweet just like the memories we made while drinking it.

You helped me stop smoking but when you left I started smoking a pack a day to get the taste of you off of my tongue.

I deleted your number two hours after the break up but a month later I picked up my phone and dialed it by memory without realizing it.

You wore the same cologne every day for the two years we were together and I swear it still lingers on your side of the bed even though I've bought new sheets.

I found an old record yours and started playing it and I finally found the melody you used to hum to me when I couldn't fall asleep.

You called me last night and I could practically smell the alcohol through the phone when you said that you still loved me.

I saw a picture of you on Facebook and I saw that you still have my initials tattooed on your arm which makes me feel not so bad for still having yours on my wrist

You used to run your fingers up and down my spine and I hate the fact that I can still feel your fingers tracing the bones on my back.

We broke up an even though it still hurts and I still miss you and I know you feel the same I also know that if we get back together we will just destroy ourselves and one another so it's best we forget about each other.

I'm sorry

I’m jealous of the people
Who are comfortable with who they are
And love themselves
Because it took me
So **** long
To get where I am now
And I don’t even like myself

Hey there fighter
Are you ok?
You’ve been knocked down
More times than I can say

Sometimes by others who don’t seem to care
Sometimes they care but their words are unfair
Sometimes the hate comes from your mind
Other times your blood is the one who’s unkind

It amazes us that you can’t see
How beautiful you really are
Your beauty isn’t just skin deep
It goes deeper than your soul, by far

Art flows from your fingertips
Imagination comes to life
Your mind shown in little clips
A pencil is you knife

As you move with gracefulness
There’s emotion in every move
Every jump and kick and twirl
Talent is there an proved

With music pouring in your ears
You seem to lose all your fears
We all know music numbs the pain
And it stops your pretty tears

You’ll never know just how loved
You are by every one of us
But we will try to let you know
You know, just because

One look at you and and they can’t tell
What this small-town girl is hiding
Secrets both good and bad
A wonderful girl just fighting

Hey pretty girl
Please come here
It’s ok to cry
To voice your fears

Now, I can tell
You’ve been strong for too long
I can tell you’re exhausted
To be vulnerable is not wrong

Your broken smile
Is one you seem to be faking
But it’s getting harder to lie
As your soul is aching

Let me tell you something right quick
Something I doubt you’ll believe
It’s actually pretty true
It’s just not something you can see

You are beautiful
Both inside and out
You are drop dead gorgeous
Without a single doubt

You’re oh so smart
In more than one way
Sometimes your brains
Leaves us all dazed

You have so much passion
For living your life
It’s quite beautiful
How you live without strife

You’re pretty hilarious
We love it when you’re silly
When you decide it’s time to laugh
It’s kind of odd, really

You have so much talent
It’s kind of mind blowing
Music and acting
It’s ability you’re showing

You’re known to be bossy
And kind of, sorta, pushy
But underneath your hard exterior
You’re actually very mushy

I have never known
A kinder soul
Your loving nature
Has left no one cold

But when it’s time to be tough
You’re the strongest I know
You keep your head up
And go with the flow

You are my bestest friend
Who made things not so bad
You’re the big sister
That I never had

You are so strong
Smart and able
Beautiful and wonderful
With your cards on the table

We don’t know why
You can’t see
That you’re absolutely wonderful
It’s time to believe

So pretty girl
Wipe your tears
It’s time to take on the world
And face your fears

Ten beers
Six shots
And a pack of smokes later
I’m still just sitting here
Staring at my lap
Trying to remember
How your hand felt
When I held it in mine

Let’s get drunk together
And say everything
We’re too scared to say sober
Because drunken lips
Speak sober thoughts
And I’m dying to see
What’s going on
Inside your wonderful little head

I’m ok
Isn’t that what I’m supposed to say?
I guess that’s what you want to hear
But you don’t know what’s real

Look at my dimpled smile
You could never tell my depressions mild
But this smile is getting harder to uphold
And this is something that will never be told

You don’t know I cry at night
You think I’m fine when in your sight
But when I’m alone, darkness settles in
I feel like nothing more that a worthless sin

Maybe that’s why my strenght is weakening
I see myself as disgusting, sickening
I’m not good enough to be alive
So I’ll wait for my end to arrive

I know for a fact that I’m hellbound
As I lay crying on the ground
I just want my pain to end
I just want my life to end

Your lips are like razor blades
So darling,
Kiss my lips
And my cheek
Kiss my wrist
Just as deep
Maybe then
I can sleep
In a never ending dream

Your lips tasted like peppermint
And cigarettes and pizza
It was intoxicating
Addictive
But I had to let go

There’s this pain
Inside of my heart
It’s this deep ache
The kind that you try to ignore
But it never goes away
It’s loneliness
A desolate anger
That starts inside my heart
And runs through my veins
It makes me want to scream and yell
It makes me want to punch the wall
It makes me want to run
And never, ever stop
But end the end of the day
All I can do
Is curl up in a ball
And cry
This pain, this anger
This loneliness
It’s tearing me apart
I don’t know how much longer
I can deal with this
Feeling
But I know
If I wait just a bit longer
I’m going to explode

Once
I heard that if you can’t sleep at night
You’re either in love
And you can’t stop thinking
Of your beloved
Long enough for sleep to come
Or you’re lonely
And the pain of being desolate
Is just too much
For you to fall asleep
Honestly
I've gone through both
And I couldn't tell you
Which one is worse

I’ll trace your veins
I’ll look for your heartbeat
I’ll reach for hands
To try to make you appear

But you’re not here
You’re with someone else
I should have already given up
But I’m still calling your name